Change4life

I have to stop drinking, it is once again ruining my life. yet I just drink more and problems are getting worse. i looked into an outpatient program ,but Im already thinking I just cant or wont stop. I lost my job again, getting kicked out of apartment again, relationship close to an end... hanging on by a thread. I say I want help, but when its offered I not only retreat I get angry. I feel like I am dying and that scares me but I continue drinking anyway. I need help...why cant I get accept it? anyone have an answer?cres me but I continue anyway but in the meantime I fear I will kill myself

recoverywfaith

Takes courage to share...it scares me what you share about hurting yourself. You can have a life of sobriety with people that care about you. If you feel in to much despair and this online help is not currently enough please call a hot line to help you thru 1-800-273-8255 and keep posting here. Maybe an AA meeting and someone to talk to there can help you not drink one day at a time?

Change4life

I think I ended that harshly. i dont think I will kill myself as in suicide, I mean if I continue drinking I will slowly kill myself

Dee74

I think a lot of us are our own worst enemies.

I know fear and pride (and somehow, shame too) kept me for doing what I needed to do for a long time. I'm lucky to still be here really.

I hope you really can find it in you to seek out and accept help Beth - you really do deserve it - and it really was the way forward for me.

D

recoverywfaith

Have you ever been to AA to help you not drink one day at a time. The first AA meeting I attended i was drunk and someone very nice gave me a big book and gave me their number...I called them drunk and could not even believe that people could not drink one day at a time...but then I hit a bottom and went back and admitted i was an alkie and got numbers, which helped me in the beginning to stay sober one day at a time.

dairo

Been there. Lost everything, and I thought the answer was to drink more to numb the pain, I was literally losing my mind and I damn near had the shotty in my mouth, it's not the answer. The funny thing is, you know what to do don't you? You have to make changes in your life that you don't want to make, nobody who's an alcoholic WANTS to quit drinking, hell I loved drinking, you just have to finally make that absolute choice that you are done, don't let it get the best of you. I would really urge you to enter inpatient rehab, it helped me a lot, helped me restore some sanity and helped give me things to help with the obsession. Drinking isn't going to cure anything anymore... you have to realize this.

Impurrfect

(((Beth))) - I'm sorry you're still struggling. I felt like ((Dee))...didn't believe I deserved to even ASK for help, much less GET it. I hope you realize you DO deserve help and a better life, before you hit the ultimate bottom...death. You've been struggling for a long time, you deserve a life that's not revolving around a substance.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Zebra1275

There is a solution.

At least that's what the AA Big Book will tell you. Go to an AA meeting and tell people outloud what you wrote in your post.

Yeah, I know that might be difficult. But it sounds like you might be willing "to go to any length" to get sober.

Change4life

I dont know why I am so stubborn, but I am . at this time even with all thats going wrong I could never surrender and sign in to inpatient. I am such a jerk I figure if I go outpatient i can drink when I get home... So whats the point I say to myself. I dont go
and then i am back to square one.
AA OMG I have gone so many times and I sit there thinking whats wrong with these people, but deep down I know they are better cause they admit the demon and they are trying while I just keep floundering and cant even sit for an hour. have to sneak a beer in the middle of the meeting

mercurial me

I don't know how many times I fell asleep drunk and wished I'd just never wake up and that my alcoholism would just take my life in a massive stroke or heart failure or I just simply never would wake up. I never considered I might actually get my wish in the form of the symptoms that accompany liver failure and this is an absolutely nightmarish process to go through.

Please get help and reach out to others.

artsoul

It sounds like you want help, but not really......(?) Wouldn't it be better to wake up in inpatient than in a hospital? Not trying to sound harsh, but it seems like you've tried it all. You say you could never "surrender and sign in to inpatient" - but in so many ways we've already surrendered our lives to the bottle when we drink. Any clue why you're (as you say) so "stubborn?"
What about a psychiatrist or addiction counselor?

I just hurt for you - I know it's not easy and wish there was some great new idea I could conjure up. All I can say is that none of us deserves the kind of life alcohol and drugs gives us. Sending as many positive/hopeful thoughts as I can right now............hugs......

Change4life

Im assuming I am stubborn because my addiction is strong and I dont like change even if it is positive. i also have convinced myself that my entertaining personality lies in the bottle and refuse to admit that the other side is that I can also become a complete arse. I think I can never play in public or do anything on stage or life in general without having a buzz. I am awesome with a few, but I cant stop at a few= alcoholic.
so I drink and then cry as I ask myself Y

artsoul

wow - I can certainly relate to that...... I used alcohol to loosen me up as an artist (of course I got so loose that I lost days of studio time to hangovers). I think it was Depak Chopra that said he believe alcoholics are "seekers." I think it might be true, but for myself, I think alcohol seemed like a great short-cut to getting in the zone. Trouble is that the zone with alcohol is really just the feeling of anesthesia.

I will say that although it's scarier painting now, when I do get in the zone, it's real. It's definitely an ego-surrender (which I don't like to do either). Do you have any sober musician friends?

Change4life

I love deepak, and I agree I would definitely consider myself a seeker, what I am seeking I dont know, but I am never satisfied. I think i am more in th zone when I am sober but I am too petrified to play out that way, and once I have a few and then hit the bar... well its all over I couldnt tell you cause I usually dont remember. Its such a shame. I go out play for a few hours, the next day people tell me what they liked about the set and I cant remember a friggin thing. i just assume all went well when they pay me.
I think I will be attending an AA meeting tomarrow

artsoul

You sound so much like me...... I've been making a living at my art for over 20 years and the sight of a blank canvas terrifies me..... I still think I've just been "lucky" and the next painting will look like crap. Some days I feel like I have no ideas left.......nothing to "say."

Deepak has a book on addiction, by the way (it's not my favorite of his, but it had some of those light-bulb moments). I really enjoyed Eckhart Tolle's books (The Power of Now). I think I know what I'm seeking - just don't know if it's possible in this world.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread with my personal stuff. I'll be thinking about you the next few days. Hope you keep posting.....

Che

There is only so much others can do for you. At some point you have to start taking steps (AA or otherwise) to help yourself.

To put it another way, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can show an alcoholic the steps, but only he or she can walk them. When you've made the step for yourself it will feel like less of a shock to your pride than when other people are trying to take the step for you. Take initiative and I'm sure things will go much better.

I think you are making a lot of excuses. That is a normal part of alcoholism. We look for superficial reasons like 'I'm funnier when I'm drunk' or 'I'm more creative when I drink' and we pretend that's why we're still drinking. The truth is you're addicted to a drug. If any of it is psychological, it's the fact that it is such a recurring thought and it's become habit. I don't feel reasons like 'I am sad/stressed' or 'I need to loosen up to be social' are ever the real reasons. There are so many alternative solutions to those problems. The sooner you realise this, the sooner you get to the truth of why you drink so much, and you can stop rationalizing.

Change4life

of course I am making excuses, thats what we alkies do... well addicts cause I have other issues that have thank God been dormant. I have been fighting this disease for so long and I feel so beat up I know I make excuses because I am possesed. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy sometimes. More often than not. I know I shouldnt pick up but I do time and time again. i had 3 years of clean time and then I went back full force for the I dont know how many times. I a going to a meeting 2marrow

Dee74

I kept fighting battles for so long Beth...I never really stopped fightinh for 20 years.
The best day was when I just gave up.

Was I scared? yep
Was I resentful? that too

but I knew I couldn't live this life with booze anymore - whatever sobriety bought me it couldn't be worse than this life I was leading - and I surrendered.

I accepted I was an addict and an alcoholic and that I needed to change that, change myself....for good...not just for interludes.

I'm not any less musically talented, or any less social adept than I've always been.

It takes time to deal with both things sober, sure, but you'll get there.

For the first time in my adult life I like who I am, and I'm happy.

Whatever effort it takes, it's worth it, B.
D

CarolD

Beth....

At this point...seriously consider a de tox facilitiy.
The Salvation Army has free short term centers in many areas.

You were clean and sober for 3 years before.
Get back to basics....you know how.

I don't buy that "I can only play in bars then I drink"
Lot's of sober artist make a good living sober.
If my memory is correct..music was not your main income
but a sideline.

I just watched a Bio of David crosby today....
His addictions ruined his music ..got him jailed.
and later...he required
a liver transplant. These days he is doing super in all
areas of his life.

It does not matter how famous you are... or the cash you earn
addictions are deadly.

gravity

For me it was Pride that kept me from getting help sooner. Walking into my first AA meeting, getting a sponsor, going to my first counselling appointment, opening up to my doctor and uncles (spiritual mentors)...that was almost more than my huge Ego could handle!

I have been sober for over three years and am living an amazing life - completely free of obsession and cravings. I tell everyone who is struggling to GET HELP! No need to suffer anymore or to do this alone. You will be amazed!