JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Hello,

Question for you, My husband starting drinking again and or course has been hiding it and lieing about it. He got a DUI 2 years ago and I told him that was it, stop the drinking or we separate. He stopped for 6 months started for 6 months, stopped again for 6 months and now has started again.

I am done and something in me feels different this time. I told him this and says he will leave but then tries to act like everything is ok and we are together.

What is your take on this and has any of you acted this way when your other half was done with the drinking BS??

THANKS!!!

mynewway

I wouldnt assume to know all the dynamics of your relationship from the details you posted. Honestly, it is going to have to be a decision that you make... If you set a boundry in a relationship you should maintain it... Sorry your having problems

CarolD

When I was dealing with 2 of my childrens active addictions
Al anon was immnesley helpful.

I see you have been useing the F&F Forums...so I would
guess that has been suggested there too.

Hope the 2 of you can find peace ...

Soberween

Well the lying is part of the disease. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you did take a vow "in sickness and in health." Maybe you should try to educate yourself about the clinical side of alcoholism. Referring to it as "drinking bs" is understandable, but the problem is so much more than the actual drink. I'm sure he is full of shame and guilt hence the lying.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

The vow also had "Love, Honor and Cherish" in there too. Finding out that an A doesn't follow through with that. When someone is sick they get treatment. There is treament for alcoholism.

flutter

So you established a boundary (no drinking or we separate), he drank, and you didn't follow through. Of course he thinks he can still drink and try to make things ok, it's worked before, you taught him that your boundaries aren't serious.

Hope you're attending and participating in Alanon.. take care of you, hun.

And yes.. alcoholism is treatable. Unfortunately the majority of alcoholics don't seek treatment. Alcoholism is progressive, and fatal.

Anna

I also hope you check out AlAnon.

And, you set a boundary which you didn't stick with, so maybe it's time to set another boundary for yourself.

Soberween

That's a good point. I guess I did come across "too harsh." I'm sorry. If he is refusing treatment to get better, then I would definitely draw a line in the sand. He needs to show you that he is serious about getting some kind of treatment for his illness because what he is doing now is not working. I wish you the best in this situation. I know it has to be extremely difficult to be in your position.

Peter G

Sounds like you're pretty pi$$ed about the whole thing - which is completely understandable if looking wholly from your own perspective. We alcoholics do the most horrid things to those we love, we are guilty of the most egregious abuses and betrayals. But you can believe that it is no more harmful to you than it is to him, once he's sober and realizes what his antics and lack of control has caused his most cherished.

Before you equate his illness with "BS", or summarily decide that sick people should just naturally gravitate towards "treatment", you should know that alcoholism is - as has been said - progressive and fatal, and a large part of the reason it is so deadly and destructive is because the alcoholic rarely recognizes their destructive path until long after the fact, and left untreated, not at all.

Analytically what you're saying makes perfect sense. The problem is an alcoholic mind is completely devoid of analytical thought because it's wrapped in a cycle of self delusion and compulsion. This phenomenon is reinforced by proven genetic causation and empirical medical data.

I hope you can come to understand that "love, honor, and cherish" will not be of much import for the late stage alcoholic. Just as kids, work, health, wealth, security, and any other life affirming gift is truly no equal adversary for someone overtaken by the obsession/compulsion to drink. Plainly, we alcoholics come to a point where we are not in control of when or how much we drink, even given our best intentions, our strongest love, and our most skilled efforts. This is not selfishness any more than it is a character flaw on his part. It's just another documented hallmark of the disease itself.

This can be extremely hard for someone - not afflicted - to understand, especially those who are being hurt from proximity to an alcoholic or for someone who holds deep love for one; but none the less it is what it is, independent of anyone's judgment or disposition. It exists ONLY because he is sick with the drink, like millions of others before him. It really has nothing to do with you, nothing at all. If anything the sober time he has racked up in the recent past, this is because of you, as it shows he hasn't succumbed completely and still capable of trying to meet your demands. Most of us long ago wrote off people who stood in the way of our affair with the bottle. Some of us did truly lose everything, and yet still continued to drink, trying hard to destroy ourselves. This alone should show you that alcoholism is not logical. It's an illness.

So if you summarily write off the alcohol issue as BS (again, a very understandable reaction) you are not allowing in the whole picture, and you're not granting that he may well be suffering his own betrayal(s) right along with you, all be it in silence.

You set a boundary that no true active alcoholic could really expect to honor, I'm afraid. A DUI is not enough consequence for an alcoholic, unless that DUI led him to his bottom. To be honest, any predetermined consequences - losing a wife, losing kids, losing a job, losing all the money, e.t.c... it's all of little use in stopping the active alcoholic, unless such an ultimatum brings him to exquisite desperation and a complete willingness to do whatever it takes to stop.

My point for this post is not to stick up for your husband, not by any stretch. It may seem like that on the surface, but it's not my intention. I know full well that he's wronged you in very real and harmful ways. I also know that you might have already decided you never signed up for this kind of a hassle or risk. It just seems important to me that someone here explain the gravity of what you're now dealing with, so that you can base your decisions on the reality it deserves. I'd only pray that you don't summarily categorize his illness as "BS", or deem unimportant something that is as life threatening as cancer. What you might think of as happy horse$h!t is the very thing that may lead him to a lonely and painful death, if left untreated. Active alcoholism is a very destructive and dangerous way to live a life, but it's by no means BS.

Your set boundaries are yours to make, my only suggestion is that you try to direct him towards a treatment plan in the process. Once you say "If you drink I'll <insert negative consequence here>" he already knows he's lost. He knows right then and there that it's only a matter of time before he disappoints you, loses you, and kills one more thing in his own life.

loveon2legs

I know I had to decide on my own when I was finished with drinking...sad but true...it's the beast...you won't be able to change your husband...but you can change yourself...

all the best..xo

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Thanks for the responses. I am trying to stick to my boundary but he is making it very difficult. He tries and act like everything is ok and I wish I did nto have to love with him. I hope this house sells very quickly.

Supercrew

Is your husband an admitted alcoholic? Or just because he got a DUI you tried to force him to quit drinking? When I got my DUI, (10 years ago), the courts forced me to quit drinking for a year, but at that point I wasn't an alcoholic. My wife tried to set similar boundries for me over our 16 year marriage, and I would try to live up to her expectations, but at the same time, for most of that time I didn't realize I really had an alcohol problem, I drank like everyone else as far as I was concerned, and I resented her for trying to make me choose her or drinking. I even told her, I don't make you stop shopping or eating chocolate, (two things that she enjoys), even when you spend to much $$, or start putting on weight, (I was drinking when I said that obviously). If he doesn't think he has a problem he will never quit until the pain of drinking outweighs the pain of quitting.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

One minute he says he is the next he isn't. His mother and brother have both been in AA for over 25 years and his father basically died from the disease.

Supercrew

It is genetically linked, so he probably has an issue with alcohol, that being said, until I realized what was going on in my head, basically the chemical reasons in my head why I reacted to alcohol the way I did, I honestly felt like it was a self control issue that I could fix. When I told my wife I would try and slow down on my habit I was completely honest, but once I would pick up 1 or 2 drinks all bets were off. I couldn't control it for any extended period of time. I truly thought I was crazy for letting it happen over and over. Then when I would quit for periods of time I would obsess about when I would be able to drink again.

I never looked at quitting drinking as something I would ever do permanently, because it was what I had always done to have fun and socialize for 27 years. I thought quitting for ever would never be an option. That is until I did, because drinking for me became a bigger pain than not drinking for me. Although the threats from my wife came into play, ultimately the pain had to be more than just a threat. It was a long and hard lesson to learn, and I feel for you and your husband. You should see if you could at least get him to read some of the posts on this board and see if anything strikes a key with him. Because being mad at him, and even leaving him probably won't help him in my opinion.

TheEnd

Sorry that things aren't working out. I was reading some of your old threads and it seems like your husband was this great guy for the majority of your relationship and has proven to you that he has the ability to become sober. I was just wondering what was it for you that actually made you say "Enough is Enough". I wouldn't waste my time taking this to the F&F forum, because WWIII would probably break out, but since your over here just thought I would pose the question.

Oh yeah, did your husband ever say why he started drinking again after 15+ years??

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

He said he thought the reason that he drank so much before he stopped was because we had 2 kids 2 years apart and the stress of all that. Since I was not aware of alcoholism at the time, I said, if you think you can have a few and stop, fine. It did not take long afterwards for the heavy drinking to start again (within months).

I can not take the stop and start and the total unpredictable behavior. He got totally drunk a few weeks ago and left 18 NASTY voicemail messages. Totally embarrassed my daughter in front of her new boyfiend and was falling down the steet. He has a machine in his car (thank God) so he can no longer drive drunk. I fear what will happen when he gets to take it off. He is accusing me of things that I have and never would do. I am told that this is projecting. This is totally exhausting and no way to live.

He is trying to act like nothing happen and we will be fine. You guys helped because I realized I have to stick to my boundary. I told him if he started to drink again, we will have to separate. Now I have to follow through. I am prepared to do that but he is trying to manipulate me and is doing the good boy act right now.

Supercrew

It's not an act. He can't help himself. A boundry might wake him up, but unless he knows he can't drink ever again it will just be a bandaid.

artsoul

I'm sorry you've had to deal with alcoholism in your marriage. It's not an easy life. It sounds to me as though you're ready to move on (waiting for the house to sell) and that's certainly understandable.

Perhaps your husband is holding onto some hope for the marriage. He might be thinking that if he treats you well and acts as if things are OK, it might work out after all.

Are you planning to file for divorce or just for separation? If you're sure about what you want to do, in other words, is he fully aware of your intentions?

Again, I'm sorry things are hard right now. I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide to do.......

Supercrew

It's kind of funny, because I dropped by the Freinds and Family section to do some reading being I had never looked in there before, and if I didn't know any better I would guess my wife and a few of my friends wifes were posting there regularly. Wow, what a wake up call! Where we over here are trying to accept everyone for their alcoholic problems and trying to get people to find help, over on FF at least in a thread I was reading it was more of a "Get out save yourself, get away from the drunken SOB" type of feel. It sort of made me realize that although I never had any intention of screwing up my marriage or hurting my family, and I always felt I was trying to do my best, an alcoholics perception is far different than the reality for the people who have to live with him.

Just the tone of the thread brought me back to having feelings of resentment towards the people writing them, and at the same time made me realize that although I didn't feel as if I was hurting anyone besides myself I was sadly mistaken. I think I'm going to go up and apologize to my wife again.

Peter G

I completely agree Super. I've had to stop going to that side of the forum for exactly the reasons you outlined. I just hope the people who end up there looking for advice also stop by here, where the reality of being an alcoholic is represented, by those of us who suffer it's evil. Friends and family need to know what it is we have on our backs, what we carry every day, at least before writing us off as "losers" and unworthy. The pain and susequent vitriol is completely understandable, but IMO it should be tempered by having heard both sides of the story.

Having said that, there's been a few times when I read about a husband who sounded so familiar to me in my "bad times", and the advice the wife was receiving at F&F was uncalled for. Things like "leave the bum" and "he's just using you", "he'll never be any good acting like that" et all. This kind of summary judgment is not only irresponsible, it's absolutely NOT an accurate description of the suffering alcoholic. It's nothing more than a communal "hate" fest, geared to assassinate the character of someone who's only real flaw is being sick with disease. I find some of it reprehensible.

In my worst days with boozing, the things I did to others had me so close to suicide - just from the knowledge that I had hurt the people I most loved and was somehow incapable of stopping myself from the offenses. My heart was so broken when I looked into my wife's eyes that at one point I left on my own, just to spare her. All that action did was cause me to fall further into the breech, in fact it almost killed me. And it caused my wife months of constant worry over when the call would come that I was dead or in jail for life. Had my wife heeded some of the advice I occasionally read at the F&F section, she may never have taken the time to understand my illness, and by such misguided advice she may have left me to my own devices when I was at my sickest. She certainly would have never told me to come home and get help. It may have been my own realization of powerlessness which brought me to sobriety, but it was her support, love, and selfless understanding that helped me along the way, in immeasurable fashion.

While I understand how people become spiteful, angry, and hurt deeply from the actions we are capable of committing, it does no good for either party to be told summary "divorce" or "Separation" advice, and it's negligent to brutalize the alcoholics' character as shady or unworthy of respect. Sometimes that is exactly the wrong thing a couple embattled with an alcohol issue should hear.

Just sayin'.