My letter to Pinkfirefly..
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
My letter to Pinkfirefly..
Pink...
I read through some of your posts and threads. There's alot I wanna say and share w/ you.
First off, how are you doing? I hope this thread finds you feeling a little better than the last time I read from you. If not, hang in there and don't give up.
To start, let me tell you a little about myself.
I'm a 32 yr old stay at home mother of two children. 8 (9 in a cpl days) yr old boy and a 3 and a half yr old girl. I'm an alcoholic and have been for too long!
I started drinking heavily about 5 months after my daughter was born.
My heart breaks for you and your family.
I know exactly what you're going through. I read your posts, and I remember being where you are. Reading your posts brings back alot of awful memories of how severe my alcoholism was and what I put my family through.
I know for a fact, had I known about this thread while I was drinking, no doubt I would've been posting the same way you do.
I would've been you 3 yrs ago, 2 yrs ago...last yr. When you stayed sober for those 4 days then relapsed and said you were gonna try for 5 this time. I immediately knew that if you made it, you were gonna see a drink as a reward. And that's exactly what you posted. You gave yourself a "reward". Those were your exact words. I can almost feel exactly what you're feeling when you post.
The different emotions and thoughts racing through your mind.
The desperation in your words. I know how it bothers you that some people respond to your posts so blunt and cold (for lack of) when you post in your self-pity phase because you truly want to stop, and when posting, those feelings are exactly what you're feeling at that moment.
I also cringe when I read your posts about when you're going through the self-pity.
I would sit here at home, crying my eyes out about how much I hated being the way I was. Why me, why can't I just stop? All those feelings and thoughts while I had a bottle in my hand and would take drinks inbetween sobs.
I've showed up at meetings at 9 am on a Sat. from a drive back from the liquor store. I'd sit in my car, crying and taking drinks then go inside.
I (me) desperately wanted to stop. But at the same time I (alcoholic) didn't want to. It was a constant battle within myself. It's sick...
Then there were also times when I was delusional and really thought I can control my drinking if I just tried harder. And no matter how many times I failed, I always gave myself reasons on why this time was gonna be different and really believed 'em.
Like any addict...if a reason why this time was different and why it was ok for you to keep doing what you're doing presented itself, it was the greatest idea!
You had found the answer!
But to a healthy minded person, you (we) sound pathetic. Disgust, disbelief and anger is the reaction because to them, its the same country song just sung by a rock group this time. Same words, same meaning...but to you(alcoholic), its a great disguise to convince you. The alcoholic doesn't care how you look or sound and everything you've posted in the past or responses you've received aren't even a thought in your mind. Shut out completely.
And why? because you're thinking w/ your alcoholic mind. Your thought process is all about trying to find reasons why it's ok to keep drinking.
I recently posted on someones thread that when I was drinking, I'd sometimes get a glimpse of the hurt I was causing but like looking through binoculars, I only saw what I set my eyes to.
Totally blind to what I didn't want to see. That went for everything I dealt w/ while in the thick of my drinking. The alcoholic mind is a clever one. It knows how to manipulate and get its way. No matter the cost..
The difference between you and I is that your battling your demons openly.
Which brings me to the children. Our precious children who are being affected by our alcoholism.
I have stories that will make any person cringe. I too have put my children in situations I would never have put them in if I wasn't an alcoholic.
I think about it, and it makes my heart hurt. Whenever it crosses my mind (which is often) I cry. I have to go to the restroom and shed a cpl of tears then come out. Sometimes I just give them a gentle hug and a quick I love you. Sometimes..I don't want to let go.
I've posted some of the things they've had to deal w/. And I've also kept some to myself. Not for fear of being judged, but because its to hurtful to think about. My "what if" sets in and I stress myself out. It truly is, by the Grace of God, that nothing happened to my children physically. Truly!!
My kids were being watched by someone up there, because I sure was failing as a mother and succeeding 100% as an alcoholic.
When a recovering alcoholic mother who is on the sobriety path tells her story of horrible acts she has done or put her children in, she gets alot of "Wow, but at least now you're on the right path and today is a new day and you can be there and show them how much you love them" and so forth...
Its almost human nature to give that response.
But its also human nature to cringe and worry about kids who are going through it now. I know I wouldve gotten the same responses you've gotten when it comes to your kids had I posted what happened the night before. Had I said that my kids were awake at 11pm w/ all the lights on, no dinner, the house a complete mess, sitting in front of the tv. Homework never done which meant my son was missing school for maybe the 2nd time that week and I was passed out on the sofa.
Or when I was detoxing for like 2 days and didnt want to move. Getting up to make them the easiest thing to eat so I can lay back down. Usually cereal, pb and j or waffles. Sometimes my son was the one doing it cause I just couldnt get up. (I have to step away from the computer for a bit..)
I know deep in your heart you're a great mother. That's why you get so defensive when told otherwise. Because (you) are, but the alcoholic in you isn't. It doesn't care about you, your children or your relationship w/ your SO.
All it cares about is alcohol and finding ways to convince you that you will get control or that you need it.
All that self-pity, is fuel for your alcoholism. Everytime you self-loathe, believe me, the alcoholic in you is smiling ear to ear. Saying..."I still have her. I can still manipulate her". I also know its so hard to see yourself in any other way because its a cycle. You self-loathe because you drink, you drink because you self-loathe and don't wanna feel how ugly you feel inside.
Vicious cycle...
Your story has touched me because I was in your shoes for a long time. You remind me of how I used to be, and how I wouldve been posting the same way had I known about this site while drinking.
I'm sorry you have gotten some of the responses you did, which made you feel judged, in the one place you shouldnt. A place where no one person is better, no one person's struggles should be judged because we all are/were in our own hell. Everybody hits their bottom and nobody knows what and when it is til we get there. Everybody's bottom is different..for some, it never comes and death is the result.
Its a very serious and scary thing to go through. And everybody here has been affected by it in one way or another.
Pink, you're an alcoholic.
You are an alcoholic..
I pray that you find your happiness soon. I really do. I hope you find the courage in you to start your first sober day and go from there.
Baby steps...
Don't think about next yr, next month or even tomorrow.
Its just today..just get through today. Deal w/ tomorrow when it gets here.
I hope this helped you in any way..
I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I've been there. I understand everything you're going through..
I hope to hear from you soon..and post away.
I'll be here. Even if its just to read your post. I know some of your posts are you thinking out loud. (sometimes while drinking)
But don't feel like you're the only one going through what you're going through. You're not. You need to know this. You're not alone..
Much love and prayers sent your way...
Fabi
I read through some of your posts and threads. There's alot I wanna say and share w/ you.
First off, how are you doing? I hope this thread finds you feeling a little better than the last time I read from you. If not, hang in there and don't give up.
To start, let me tell you a little about myself.
I'm a 32 yr old stay at home mother of two children. 8 (9 in a cpl days) yr old boy and a 3 and a half yr old girl. I'm an alcoholic and have been for too long!
I started drinking heavily about 5 months after my daughter was born.
My heart breaks for you and your family.
I know exactly what you're going through. I read your posts, and I remember being where you are. Reading your posts brings back alot of awful memories of how severe my alcoholism was and what I put my family through.
I know for a fact, had I known about this thread while I was drinking, no doubt I would've been posting the same way you do.
I would've been you 3 yrs ago, 2 yrs ago...last yr. When you stayed sober for those 4 days then relapsed and said you were gonna try for 5 this time. I immediately knew that if you made it, you were gonna see a drink as a reward. And that's exactly what you posted. You gave yourself a "reward". Those were your exact words. I can almost feel exactly what you're feeling when you post.
The different emotions and thoughts racing through your mind.
The desperation in your words. I know how it bothers you that some people respond to your posts so blunt and cold (for lack of) when you post in your self-pity phase because you truly want to stop, and when posting, those feelings are exactly what you're feeling at that moment.
I also cringe when I read your posts about when you're going through the self-pity.
I would sit here at home, crying my eyes out about how much I hated being the way I was. Why me, why can't I just stop? All those feelings and thoughts while I had a bottle in my hand and would take drinks inbetween sobs.
I've showed up at meetings at 9 am on a Sat. from a drive back from the liquor store. I'd sit in my car, crying and taking drinks then go inside.
I (me) desperately wanted to stop. But at the same time I (alcoholic) didn't want to. It was a constant battle within myself. It's sick...
Then there were also times when I was delusional and really thought I can control my drinking if I just tried harder. And no matter how many times I failed, I always gave myself reasons on why this time was gonna be different and really believed 'em.
Like any addict...if a reason why this time was different and why it was ok for you to keep doing what you're doing presented itself, it was the greatest idea!
You had found the answer!
But to a healthy minded person, you (we) sound pathetic. Disgust, disbelief and anger is the reaction because to them, its the same country song just sung by a rock group this time. Same words, same meaning...but to you(alcoholic), its a great disguise to convince you. The alcoholic doesn't care how you look or sound and everything you've posted in the past or responses you've received aren't even a thought in your mind. Shut out completely.
And why? because you're thinking w/ your alcoholic mind. Your thought process is all about trying to find reasons why it's ok to keep drinking.
I recently posted on someones thread that when I was drinking, I'd sometimes get a glimpse of the hurt I was causing but like looking through binoculars, I only saw what I set my eyes to.
Totally blind to what I didn't want to see. That went for everything I dealt w/ while in the thick of my drinking. The alcoholic mind is a clever one. It knows how to manipulate and get its way. No matter the cost..
The difference between you and I is that your battling your demons openly.
Which brings me to the children. Our precious children who are being affected by our alcoholism.
I have stories that will make any person cringe. I too have put my children in situations I would never have put them in if I wasn't an alcoholic.
I think about it, and it makes my heart hurt. Whenever it crosses my mind (which is often) I cry. I have to go to the restroom and shed a cpl of tears then come out. Sometimes I just give them a gentle hug and a quick I love you. Sometimes..I don't want to let go.
I've posted some of the things they've had to deal w/. And I've also kept some to myself. Not for fear of being judged, but because its to hurtful to think about. My "what if" sets in and I stress myself out. It truly is, by the Grace of God, that nothing happened to my children physically. Truly!!
My kids were being watched by someone up there, because I sure was failing as a mother and succeeding 100% as an alcoholic.
When a recovering alcoholic mother who is on the sobriety path tells her story of horrible acts she has done or put her children in, she gets alot of "Wow, but at least now you're on the right path and today is a new day and you can be there and show them how much you love them" and so forth...
Its almost human nature to give that response.
But its also human nature to cringe and worry about kids who are going through it now. I know I wouldve gotten the same responses you've gotten when it comes to your kids had I posted what happened the night before. Had I said that my kids were awake at 11pm w/ all the lights on, no dinner, the house a complete mess, sitting in front of the tv. Homework never done which meant my son was missing school for maybe the 2nd time that week and I was passed out on the sofa.
Or when I was detoxing for like 2 days and didnt want to move. Getting up to make them the easiest thing to eat so I can lay back down. Usually cereal, pb and j or waffles. Sometimes my son was the one doing it cause I just couldnt get up. (I have to step away from the computer for a bit..)
I know deep in your heart you're a great mother. That's why you get so defensive when told otherwise. Because (you) are, but the alcoholic in you isn't. It doesn't care about you, your children or your relationship w/ your SO.
All it cares about is alcohol and finding ways to convince you that you will get control or that you need it.
All that self-pity, is fuel for your alcoholism. Everytime you self-loathe, believe me, the alcoholic in you is smiling ear to ear. Saying..."I still have her. I can still manipulate her". I also know its so hard to see yourself in any other way because its a cycle. You self-loathe because you drink, you drink because you self-loathe and don't wanna feel how ugly you feel inside.
Vicious cycle...
Your story has touched me because I was in your shoes for a long time. You remind me of how I used to be, and how I wouldve been posting the same way had I known about this site while drinking.
I'm sorry you have gotten some of the responses you did, which made you feel judged, in the one place you shouldnt. A place where no one person is better, no one person's struggles should be judged because we all are/were in our own hell. Everybody hits their bottom and nobody knows what and when it is til we get there. Everybody's bottom is different..for some, it never comes and death is the result.
Its a very serious and scary thing to go through. And everybody here has been affected by it in one way or another.
Pink, you're an alcoholic.
You are an alcoholic..
I pray that you find your happiness soon. I really do. I hope you find the courage in you to start your first sober day and go from there.
Baby steps...
Don't think about next yr, next month or even tomorrow.
Its just today..just get through today. Deal w/ tomorrow when it gets here.
I hope this helped you in any way..
I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I've been there. I understand everything you're going through..
I hope to hear from you soon..and post away.
I'll be here. Even if its just to read your post. I know some of your posts are you thinking out loud. (sometimes while drinking)
But don't feel like you're the only one going through what you're going through. You're not. You need to know this. You're not alone..
Much love and prayers sent your way...
Fabi
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you Fabi!!!!
For sharing some of your ES&H for others, not just Pink to see. That took great courage on your part. I know how hard that letter had to be for you to write, and then to share it on an internet forum, WOW!!!!
You are correct, there is 'Hope' for Pink and other Moms like her, and shaking the bondage of King Alcohol is a struggle that does require 'willingness, courage, and more willingness' even when King Alcohol keeps 'whispering in our ear.'
Again, thank you for posting this.
Good thoughts going out to you and your family for your continued sobriety.
Love and hugs,
For sharing some of your ES&H for others, not just Pink to see. That took great courage on your part. I know how hard that letter had to be for you to write, and then to share it on an internet forum, WOW!!!!
You are correct, there is 'Hope' for Pink and other Moms like her, and shaking the bondage of King Alcohol is a struggle that does require 'willingness, courage, and more willingness' even when King Alcohol keeps 'whispering in our ear.'
Again, thank you for posting this.
Good thoughts going out to you and your family for your continued sobriety.
Love and hugs,
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Thanks fab.
I think we should keep bumping this thread. I think its important that if Pink ever comes back, that she sees this, and I also think it is a great read for other moms who are suffering and feeling the shame of their alcoholism.
I think we should keep bumping this thread. I think its important that if Pink ever comes back, that she sees this, and I also think it is a great read for other moms who are suffering and feeling the shame of their alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 70
I know this was meant for someone specific, but the 'bump' brought it up so that I could see it. I normally stick to the friends and family forum, but I occasionally take a peek over here trying to find something that will help me 'understand' my AH a little better. This made me cry. Thanks for sharing 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
That letter gave me chills. Poor pink. I have drank heavily for 10 years. My sons are now 17, 16 & 15. Through the grace of God they have turned out to be responsible, sweet, smart, great guys. I was in such a haze that I didnt think they realized I was drinking so much. Now that I have stopped each one has told me they are glad. That was enough for me to never touch it again. Now I have to live with the regret day in and day out.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Thank you for sharing. My kids are younger but I can so relate to the shame and horror that accompany the memories. I'm shocked at how I used to rationalize my behavior.
I haven't cried from regret in a while but I often imagine what it will be like on August 23rd of this year. A year after my quit date. Every time I imagine it, I cry. I even cried in the car on the way to the supermarket earlier.
Sobriety feels like such an amazing gift to me. Logically I know I won't always feel this way but I can't imagine how I wouldn't at the same time
Originally Posted by simplyfab 
I have stories that will make any person cringe. I too have put my children in situations I would never have put them in if I wasn't an alcoholic.
I think about it, and it makes my heart hurt. Whenever it crosses my mind (which is often) I cry. I have to go to the restroom and shed a cpl of tears then come out. Sometimes I just give them a gentle hug and a quick I love you. Sometimes..I don't want to let go.
I think about it, and it makes my heart hurt. Whenever it crosses my mind (which is often) I cry. I have to go to the restroom and shed a cpl of tears then come out. Sometimes I just give them a gentle hug and a quick I love you. Sometimes..I don't want to let go.
Sobriety feels like such an amazing gift to me. Logically I know I won't always feel this way but I can't imagine how I wouldn't at the same time
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Victoria
Posts: 143
Thanks Fab for the post,
l am also a mum who drank daily with 2 beautiful girls in my care. They were older when my drinknig was at it's worst and l live with the guilt and shame.
l have learnt in time to forgive myself and to look ahead only allowing myself occassional glances into the past. l know the devestation my alcoholism has caused my family but being sober 22 months they have forgiven me and have learnt to trust me again. l can't explain the life l live today it's amazing!
filled with love and honesty. Pink you can have this life too, it's not easy to put down the bottle but if l can do it anyone can.
Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from today and make a new ending.
Carl Bard.
l am also a mum who drank daily with 2 beautiful girls in my care. They were older when my drinknig was at it's worst and l live with the guilt and shame.
l have learnt in time to forgive myself and to look ahead only allowing myself occassional glances into the past. l know the devestation my alcoholism has caused my family but being sober 22 months they have forgiven me and have learnt to trust me again. l can't explain the life l live today it's amazing!
filled with love and honesty. Pink you can have this life too, it's not easy to put down the bottle but if l can do it anyone can.
Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from today and make a new ending.
Carl Bard.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by simplyfab
All that self-pity, is fuel for your alcoholism. Everytime you self-loathe, believe me, the alcoholic in you is smiling ear to ear. Saying..."I still have her. I can still manipulate her". I also know its so hard to see yourself in any other way because its a cycle. You self-loathe because you drink, you drink because you self-loathe and don't wanna feel how ugly you feel inside.
Vicious cycle...
Vicious cycle...
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Thank you all for taking the time to read this thread to Pink.
She needs to know that she's not alone. I'd hate to think that she doesn't feel comfortable coming here to share her thoughts and emotions in the very place whose members have all been affected by addiction, and the place thats been so helpful to me.
You all know more about my alcoholism and my life while drinking than my mother, friends and family. (not immediate fam) Coming here, I've often described it as online therapy. Sharing your most shameful situations and putting yourself out there is very, very difficult.
More so when you're in the middle of that shame and have a constant feeling of having your tail between your legs.
Pink, you do have support here. We all want to see you get better and live the life you and your family deserve.
Also, thank all of you for helping me in bumping the thread to make sure it stays current just in case she logs on.
I shouldve sent her a PM letting her know, but now I dont have to. Thank you Dee for doing that!
I'm also glad its helped to shed some light on whatever it did for you.
Whether it be another read on "in the life of.." about someones stuggles, helped you understand a little better how the alcoholic mind works, or even if it made you appreciate how fortunate you are. Especially glad if you're an alcoholic parent and realised you're not alone.
Then, already I'm glad I posted it. I was a little hesitant about posting it as a thread instead of a PM to Pink...but I've come across so many threads where people shared their stuggles and I was able to relate that I didn't want to deny it from anybody else.
Having this addiction is awful..but put children in the picture and it makes it
100x worst. Its natural to react when hearing what a child/children go through w/ alcoholic parents. But it does happen...unfortunately.
I'm also an Adult Child of Alcoholic Parents. As alot of people here are...
Thank you all again...
and Pink,
whenever you're ready.
She needs to know that she's not alone. I'd hate to think that she doesn't feel comfortable coming here to share her thoughts and emotions in the very place whose members have all been affected by addiction, and the place thats been so helpful to me.
You all know more about my alcoholism and my life while drinking than my mother, friends and family. (not immediate fam) Coming here, I've often described it as online therapy. Sharing your most shameful situations and putting yourself out there is very, very difficult.
More so when you're in the middle of that shame and have a constant feeling of having your tail between your legs.
Pink, you do have support here. We all want to see you get better and live the life you and your family deserve.
Also, thank all of you for helping me in bumping the thread to make sure it stays current just in case she logs on.
I shouldve sent her a PM letting her know, but now I dont have to. Thank you Dee for doing that!
I'm also glad its helped to shed some light on whatever it did for you.
Whether it be another read on "in the life of.." about someones stuggles, helped you understand a little better how the alcoholic mind works, or even if it made you appreciate how fortunate you are. Especially glad if you're an alcoholic parent and realised you're not alone.
Then, already I'm glad I posted it. I was a little hesitant about posting it as a thread instead of a PM to Pink...but I've come across so many threads where people shared their stuggles and I was able to relate that I didn't want to deny it from anybody else.
Having this addiction is awful..but put children in the picture and it makes it
100x worst. Its natural to react when hearing what a child/children go through w/ alcoholic parents. But it does happen...unfortunately.
I'm also an Adult Child of Alcoholic Parents. As alot of people here are...
Thank you all again...
and Pink,
whenever you're ready.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've often said that the people who frustrate and infuriate me the most are those in whom I see my own personality traits and attitudes. IOW, it's not that I'm any "better"--it's that I see myself reflected and it's painful.
And back before I was ready to quit drinking, I would have reacted the same way if someone had tried to break through my denial (lovely survival mechanism, denial). Gotten defensive and left.
Pink, we DO understand how hard this is. I sure wasn't happy changing the image I had of myself as someone who had it all "together". But that was the big thing standing in my way.
And back before I was ready to quit drinking, I would have reacted the same way if someone had tried to break through my denial (lovely survival mechanism, denial). Gotten defensive and left.
Pink, we DO understand how hard this is. I sure wasn't happy changing the image I had of myself as someone who had it all "together". But that was the big thing standing in my way.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I think it's time to stop discussing another member and
her journey. We all are here to support each other
no one is less or more important than the next member.
Members come...members go...some return..others do not.
I can only share what has worked for me...with the hope it
helps someone else.
her journey. We all are here to support each other
no one is less or more important than the next member.
Members come...members go...some return..others do not.
I can only share what has worked for me...with the hope it
helps someone else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i agree with Carol. I don't think it's a good idea to have this thread because it leaves open a big discussion with many varying opinions.
I appreciate what SFab has shared, but I feel it should have remained a PM with this specific title.
if I were in PFF's position and someone posted an "open letter" to me specifically on a public forum, I would be really angry...
I appreciate what SFab has shared, but I feel it should have remained a PM with this specific title.
if I were in PFF's position and someone posted an "open letter" to me specifically on a public forum, I would be really angry...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Fandy, if you think she would be angry about the open letter/thread because it would be embarrassing and singling her out, then all we have to do is compare that with how she must have already felt on any other thread. The only part I agree with in Carol's post is that one individual is not "more important" than another and that we can't force someone to give in and seize a good reality and quit (they need to do it on their own, and so much the better once they do, with or without the site).
When you flip it the other way, there are threads started on specific people all the time ("Has anyone seen..." and "Congratulations to..." and so on). Those people are either special to whoever started the thread or they are very popular. We don't outlaw those threads for singling someone out or implying that they are more important than other members.
The thread/letter and the experience and the hope are out. If it does Pink an inch more good, so much the better; if it doesn't, we weren't God in that case either.
There's also a benefit to others reading. This is a topic that has to do with being a mother, but the message and what good it can do doesn't always stop with the intended subject.
When you flip it the other way, there are threads started on specific people all the time ("Has anyone seen..." and "Congratulations to..." and so on). Those people are either special to whoever started the thread or they are very popular. We don't outlaw those threads for singling someone out or implying that they are more important than other members.
The thread/letter and the experience and the hope are out. If it does Pink an inch more good, so much the better; if it doesn't, we weren't God in that case either.
There's also a benefit to others reading. This is a topic that has to do with being a mother, but the message and what good it can do doesn't always stop with the intended subject.
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