Newcomer & Venting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Newcomer & Venting
Hi. I'm a newcomer to this site, but not to recovery. I made the decision to quit drinking over a year ago. Now I feel like a huge failure for letting alcohol back into my life. I feel like I just wasted all of my hard work. Over a year. Sober. Down the drain.
Today I went out to run errands. You know, grocery store, post office, etc. I'm not sure why I pulled in a run down shopping center. I don't know why I walked into that dank-trashy bar, but I did. I'm 27 and I was in there with all the other kinds of people you would see in a "hole-in-the-wall" at 2:00 in the afternoon. I don't remember much else. Sitting there, by myself. Not sure how many beers I had or when I left. Or how I managed to drive home. Don't remember stopping at taco bell or what I ordered. Don't remember going into my apartment and getting sick and passing out...blacking out until my partner woke me with...bringing me a bottled water...trying to hold back the disappointment. I thought for a second, can I cover this up. Lie. How much do they know. I'm embarrassed for even having those thoughts.
Now here I am. After admitting to my partner what had happened, the obvious...and crying in the shower. I'm not at a point yet to know why I started drinking again. After so long of sobriety. I just needed to vent.
Today I went out to run errands. You know, grocery store, post office, etc. I'm not sure why I pulled in a run down shopping center. I don't know why I walked into that dank-trashy bar, but I did. I'm 27 and I was in there with all the other kinds of people you would see in a "hole-in-the-wall" at 2:00 in the afternoon. I don't remember much else. Sitting there, by myself. Not sure how many beers I had or when I left. Or how I managed to drive home. Don't remember stopping at taco bell or what I ordered. Don't remember going into my apartment and getting sick and passing out...blacking out until my partner woke me with...bringing me a bottled water...trying to hold back the disappointment. I thought for a second, can I cover this up. Lie. How much do they know. I'm embarrassed for even having those thoughts.
Now here I am. After admitting to my partner what had happened, the obvious...and crying in the shower. I'm not at a point yet to know why I started drinking again. After so long of sobriety. I just needed to vent.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
Vent away.
Probably by now you've assigned some reason to it all that others might believe for your getting drunk again, one you know is BS, but your post here is fresh and shows your honest confusion before you rationalize things.
These blank spots come with alcoholism, and a quick read on many of these threads will show others going through what you experienced. Just classic stuff.
Deciding more firmly than the last times you decided firmly not to drink will lead you here again, and some of us never catch on to that and go in this circle their entire lifetimes, sure that every time is different.
Or you could add some type of support in the mix and see how that plays out for you. As long as you participate it may be different, and if/when you don't it won't after varying lengths of time.
Not fun at all to be alcoholic, but if you address it successfully it's not the end of the world.
Probably by now you've assigned some reason to it all that others might believe for your getting drunk again, one you know is BS, but your post here is fresh and shows your honest confusion before you rationalize things.
These blank spots come with alcoholism, and a quick read on many of these threads will show others going through what you experienced. Just classic stuff.
Deciding more firmly than the last times you decided firmly not to drink will lead you here again, and some of us never catch on to that and go in this circle their entire lifetimes, sure that every time is different.
Or you could add some type of support in the mix and see how that plays out for you. As long as you participate it may be different, and if/when you don't it won't after varying lengths of time.
Not fun at all to be alcoholic, but if you address it successfully it's not the end of the world.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
I am right there with you....after more than 2 years I picked up last Aug...only one night...stopped and picked up again on Thanksgiving....stopped then picked up on Xmas. I just picked up again, but it is much worse..i have been drinking for 5 days now. I don't know why I started again. I loved being sober. i hate myself so much...the shame in telling people is keeping me from getting help. it is 5 am...I don't remember when I went to bed last night. Checked my cell phone first thing to see if I talked to anyone because I don't remember. Don't do what I have done...because I had to start counting sober time all over again staying sober didn't hold the same value..if that make sense.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Welcome Howler. I think most here can relate...whenever I've relapsed it's almost been like a fugue state...the alkie brain takes over my own brain and body and walks me like a puppet into a liquor store, followed by drinking and yet another blackout/memory lapse.
I agree that it's a good idea to try something different to quit this time...remorse, shame and vowing sincerely never to do it again never worked well for me, just led to an endless cycle of relapses.
Sober time is never wasted or "thrown away" IMO...you did it before, you can do it again.
I agree that it's a good idea to try something different to quit this time...remorse, shame and vowing sincerely never to do it again never worked well for me, just led to an endless cycle of relapses.
Sober time is never wasted or "thrown away" IMO...you did it before, you can do it again.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Great post Cable.... Howler and Purple, I hope you're able to see some of yourselves in his post.
While I neeeeeeever had anything like that amount of time doing it on will-power and resolve, I know the feeling of getting drunk, when I'd planned NOT to get drunk, and not knowing why it happened. Man, I lived that horror-show over and over. Each time it chipped away at a little more of what little self-esteem I had left. "How COULD I do it.....AGAIN!!!!?" I'd think.
It lines right up with the story about Fred in the AA book on pages 39 - 43. His story was similar. He'd learned a lot about how bad drinking was and he decided to stop....and stop he did. He had some time under his belt and even said that it wasn't all that hard to stop and stay stopped. He went on a business trip and not only was everything fine, the business trip came off well. He was happy and he knew his business partners would be too. He (Fred) concludes "It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon."
At then end of the story, Fred ends up drunk.....AGAIN - and he's got nooo clue why. He had the same will-power and resolve that had carried him through so many other days, he'd properly avoided all his "triggers" and life was good. The next thing he knows, he's loaded.
As CableDude said, that's how alcoholism rolls. It, alcoholism, it what separates the chronic alcoholic from the acute alcoholic - or, in AA vernacular, the hard drinker from the real alcoholic. One has the power to stop and stay stopped for good, the other doesn't.
If all that seems scary......and hopeless: because, how are you going to stop if you determine that you don't have the power........ and by making that determination, doesn't it imply that you're somehow weak? -- The deal is, that's why those of us in AA are so hot on it, so keyed up about it. We found that while avoiding triggers, eating healthy, changing our lifestyle, getting support, seeing therapists, joining support groups, getting honest, etc etc etc...... was all well and good - it didn't keep us sober. That, my friends, is the first step in AA - recognizing (although not necessarily "liking") the fact that we can't keep from drinking........... that's where that power greater than yourself comes in - to do for you what you can't do on your own.
It really works.....
While I neeeeeeever had anything like that amount of time doing it on will-power and resolve, I know the feeling of getting drunk, when I'd planned NOT to get drunk, and not knowing why it happened. Man, I lived that horror-show over and over. Each time it chipped away at a little more of what little self-esteem I had left. "How COULD I do it.....AGAIN!!!!?" I'd think.
It lines right up with the story about Fred in the AA book on pages 39 - 43. His story was similar. He'd learned a lot about how bad drinking was and he decided to stop....and stop he did. He had some time under his belt and even said that it wasn't all that hard to stop and stay stopped. He went on a business trip and not only was everything fine, the business trip came off well. He was happy and he knew his business partners would be too. He (Fred) concludes "It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon."
At then end of the story, Fred ends up drunk.....AGAIN - and he's got nooo clue why. He had the same will-power and resolve that had carried him through so many other days, he'd properly avoided all his "triggers" and life was good. The next thing he knows, he's loaded.
As CableDude said, that's how alcoholism rolls. It, alcoholism, it what separates the chronic alcoholic from the acute alcoholic - or, in AA vernacular, the hard drinker from the real alcoholic. One has the power to stop and stay stopped for good, the other doesn't.
If all that seems scary......and hopeless: because, how are you going to stop if you determine that you don't have the power........ and by making that determination, doesn't it imply that you're somehow weak? -- The deal is, that's why those of us in AA are so hot on it, so keyed up about it. We found that while avoiding triggers, eating healthy, changing our lifestyle, getting support, seeing therapists, joining support groups, getting honest, etc etc etc...... was all well and good - it didn't keep us sober. That, my friends, is the first step in AA - recognizing (although not necessarily "liking") the fact that we can't keep from drinking........... that's where that power greater than yourself comes in - to do for you what you can't do on your own.
It really works.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Don't beat yourself up too much. You're certainly not the first person to relapse and wonder what happened. Learn from the experience. Daytrader talks about AA. You may give that a try as whatever you're using now for a sobriety program doesn't seem to be real successful. AA has saved a lot of lives, mine included. If you try it and it doesn't work for you there are a lot of other options. The important thing is that you find one that works. Not many people are successful tackling this thing by themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi, sorry to hear you picked up again...now it's time to pick your self back up and get on a good recovery program! don't beat yourself up! you were a year sober..that's fantastic! Mistakes arent failures....they are opportunities to learn and to grow! Now it's time to figure out what YOU need to stay sober, and what works for YOU!!
All the best! and keep us posted!!
All the best! and keep us posted!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Welcome Howler. What you say echos the experience of many, many people and is a good warning to the rest of us.
In an attempt to understand what happened, can you identify any triggers? Are you under emotional or financial strain? Did you want to feel different? If so, why?
I've heard many people with decades of sobriety say how important it is to be vigilant about your feelings and recognize when they're going someplace unhealthy.
In an attempt to understand what happened, can you identify any triggers? Are you under emotional or financial strain? Did you want to feel different? If so, why?
I've heard many people with decades of sobriety say how important it is to be vigilant about your feelings and recognize when they're going someplace unhealthy.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,941
Welcome to SoberRecovery Howler.
I've had an experience like that with relapse. For me I had quit maintaining my addiction treatment plan. It seemed like out of the blue I was drinking again when in reality I was a walking relapse waiting to happen. The good news was that I knew what I need to do and jumped back on doing the things that were keeping me sober in the first place.
Unfortunately relapse is a reality for many in recovery. But congratulate yourself for coming back and continuing on your recovery journey. Because I know far too many people that relapse, give up on recovery and don't come back.
I've had an experience like that with relapse. For me I had quit maintaining my addiction treatment plan. It seemed like out of the blue I was drinking again when in reality I was a walking relapse waiting to happen. The good news was that I knew what I need to do and jumped back on doing the things that were keeping me sober in the first place.
Unfortunately relapse is a reality for many in recovery. But congratulate yourself for coming back and continuing on your recovery journey. Because I know far too many people that relapse, give up on recovery and don't come back.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Had the same experience twice,after two long periods of sobriety - I didn't drink over anything in particular either. Baffling indeed.......
The good thing is that you're here, talking about it and reaching out for support. I hope you continue to read and post - it's helped me immensely to make this a part of my daily routine. I reeeeally don't want to forget what I'm up against ever again.....
Welcome!!!:ghug3
The good thing is that you're here, talking about it and reaching out for support. I hope you continue to read and post - it's helped me immensely to make this a part of my daily routine. I reeeeally don't want to forget what I'm up against ever again.....
Welcome!!!:ghug3
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our Alcoholism forum..
You did not lose whatever work you did...you could use
that as a base for a fresh start.
I hope you will get back on track quickly.
I too was a blackout drinker...who took risk.
I sure don't miss that dangerous behavior...
Glad you are here with us...
You did not lose whatever work you did...you could use
that as a base for a fresh start.
I hope you will get back on track quickly.
I too was a blackout drinker...who took risk.
I sure don't miss that dangerous behavior...
Glad you are here with us...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you!
Thank you to all who posted. It's day one and so far I've been sober for I guess about 12 hours. When I woke, I couldn't help but crave a "pick me upper." Sad. I've been trying to give this some thought and I haven't found a particular reason I went back to drinking. I think I'm scared to point fingers, assess myself. Stress at home. Stress at work. I don't know. I hope I can get there eventually. This go around, I'm definitely feeling deflated. I guess I had these fantasies or being able to "socially drink"...have one or two, every now and then. After I had quit for awhile. Give it some time. It seems silly, but as I read threads it seems most of us have gone through this. I'm starting to realize that I will never be able to control or moderate myself. There can never be just one. I'm not sure how I feel about a higher power...but I know that I need something more than what I have been doing.
In the past year I didn't go to any meetings or join any support groups. I actually rarely even talked about the subject with friends or family. Cold turkey and repressed. Not exactly the best game plan now that I am thinking about it. I've already looked up some AA meetings online, but scared at the thought of going. Maybe it's the unknown or shame or guilt. Like going to an interview or starting a job for the first time. I don't really know what to expect. For anyone reading...how was your first time at an AA meeting? Feelings? Any AA "horror" stories...because I guess we are always used to hearing the good ones.
Does anyone feeling like year one is way more difficult that day one? Right now...I still feeling sick, hungover, shaking. So, its easy for me to see the error of my ways. After a year though...I couldn't think of a reason NOT to drink. With all the bad days and nights just as a distant memory. I guess that's why I need a support system. A lifestyle change. I see that now. I'm hoping I can pick myself up from this. I can tend to be a little too hard myself. I am my own worst critic...enemy.
Anyways, thank you for your replies.
In the past year I didn't go to any meetings or join any support groups. I actually rarely even talked about the subject with friends or family. Cold turkey and repressed. Not exactly the best game plan now that I am thinking about it. I've already looked up some AA meetings online, but scared at the thought of going. Maybe it's the unknown or shame or guilt. Like going to an interview or starting a job for the first time. I don't really know what to expect. For anyone reading...how was your first time at an AA meeting? Feelings? Any AA "horror" stories...because I guess we are always used to hearing the good ones.
Does anyone feeling like year one is way more difficult that day one? Right now...I still feeling sick, hungover, shaking. So, its easy for me to see the error of my ways. After a year though...I couldn't think of a reason NOT to drink. With all the bad days and nights just as a distant memory. I guess that's why I need a support system. A lifestyle change. I see that now. I'm hoping I can pick myself up from this. I can tend to be a little too hard myself. I am my own worst critic...enemy.
Anyways, thank you for your replies.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Howler 
how was your first time at an AA meeting? Feelings? Any AA "horror" stories...because I guess we are always used to hearing the good ones.
The first time I introduced myself at a meeting and said "My name is John and I'm an alcoholic" was one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced.
I could tell you some scary stories but none of them involve AA. Sorry.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's a very cool link about what to expect at your first AA meeting. It's pretty accurate, and dispels a lot of the worries people have about AA.
I love AA--it's given me back my life!
I love AA--it's given me back my life!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Yeah, good for you Lexie for posting that link, I was hoping somebody would do that. You don't even have to identify yourself if you don't want to. Probably nobody will notice you're there.
Howler, going to AA is a great way to keep from relapsing. It helps you stay vigilant about your disease such that it's always in the back of your mind and has much less chance of surprising you. Plus there are TONS of people who can learn from your experience.
Home stress, work stress, these are the things that get us. We need to develop a whole new way of looking at these things, that way they don't feel so scary. AA can help with this, so can the AA "big book"
Howler, going to AA is a great way to keep from relapsing. It helps you stay vigilant about your disease such that it's always in the back of your mind and has much less chance of surprising you. Plus there are TONS of people who can learn from your experience.
Home stress, work stress, these are the things that get us. We need to develop a whole new way of looking at these things, that way they don't feel so scary. AA can help with this, so can the AA "big book"
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