Need input,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Need input,
Hi. I am over from f&f.
My alcoholic bf has been out of rehab for four months. He came to live w our 6 year old and me right away.
Immediately, he was grateful and kind... But that lasted for under a month.
I had to push him out of sleeping all day, staying up all night. That led him to go back to work over a month ago.
Things have been hard. He only manages abt one meeting a week, and has gone for 3 weeks w/ o any a few times. They are everywhere. We live in major metro area.
Abt a month ago, he got a script for meds to help w anxiety, but won't take it. Has not even filled it.
Early January he started becoming suspscious and accusing me of lying, sleeping around.
He says I fight him all day, I ruin his life. He calls me the enemy. By January 10th he had
begun to frequent his old dive bar abt 5 days a week. Not drinking. Says they will not serve
him anyway.
He said to play pool, at first, then started to say because he needs to escape me, the enemy.
I go to alanon, just made clear that his going there was not what I had in mind... Eating dinner w/ o him, the other women he cheated on me w everywhere there... I said I don't want
to wait for a man to come home from a
bar, drunk or sober.
He spent three weeks there 5 of seven nights a week. During that time, managed one meeting.
He said they told him at the meeting to do what he feels, not what I think is right.
His erratic behavior accelerated, he is almost paranoid, thinks I'm lying, cheating... While I'm
home w our son and he is at the bar.
I suggested he move out. He won't leave, but tonight said he is leaving me. I am his enemy
and I am the only problemnin his life. Everything else is going great, he says...
I have smelled no alcohol on him, and I think I would, since I quit in support of his efforts 5 months ago.
Is he drinking? Is this kind of transference and projection common in early recovery? He blames me for EVERYTHING.
BTW, before he was sober, his treatment of me was pretty bad. I allowed him here so he could be w his son, so we could rebuild.
I'm being scapegoated, but with no sponsor, going to the bar a lot... What is going on I Y Opinions?
My alcoholic bf has been out of rehab for four months. He came to live w our 6 year old and me right away.
Immediately, he was grateful and kind... But that lasted for under a month.
I had to push him out of sleeping all day, staying up all night. That led him to go back to work over a month ago.
Things have been hard. He only manages abt one meeting a week, and has gone for 3 weeks w/ o any a few times. They are everywhere. We live in major metro area.
Abt a month ago, he got a script for meds to help w anxiety, but won't take it. Has not even filled it.
Early January he started becoming suspscious and accusing me of lying, sleeping around.
He says I fight him all day, I ruin his life. He calls me the enemy. By January 10th he had
begun to frequent his old dive bar abt 5 days a week. Not drinking. Says they will not serve
him anyway.
He said to play pool, at first, then started to say because he needs to escape me, the enemy.
I go to alanon, just made clear that his going there was not what I had in mind... Eating dinner w/ o him, the other women he cheated on me w everywhere there... I said I don't want
to wait for a man to come home from a
bar, drunk or sober.
He spent three weeks there 5 of seven nights a week. During that time, managed one meeting.
He said they told him at the meeting to do what he feels, not what I think is right.
His erratic behavior accelerated, he is almost paranoid, thinks I'm lying, cheating... While I'm
home w our son and he is at the bar.
I suggested he move out. He won't leave, but tonight said he is leaving me. I am his enemy
and I am the only problemnin his life. Everything else is going great, he says...
I have smelled no alcohol on him, and I think I would, since I quit in support of his efforts 5 months ago.
Is he drinking? Is this kind of transference and projection common in early recovery? He blames me for EVERYTHING.
BTW, before he was sober, his treatment of me was pretty bad. I allowed him here so he could be w his son, so we could rebuild.
I'm being scapegoated, but with no sponsor, going to the bar a lot... What is going on I Y Opinions?
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
In my experience, newly sober alcoholics who are earnest in seeking sobriety do not frequent bars without good reason (as in, making a delivery or cooking or such).
In my opinion only, there are other things at work here. Possibly he has found something else to give him a "high" or altered state so you would not smell alcohol, or maybe he is being wily about drinking.
The actions inherent in the 12 steps are nearly opposite the behaviors you are describing. It's hard to believe he would receive "advice" at a meeting, since meetings are generally about sharing our own personal experiences and rarely about directly giving advice.
No matter how I look at it- I smell a rat. With alcohol on his breath.
Please keep in mind that my thoughts are based on my experiences only. Your mileage may vary, and others here may also have ideas as to what might be going on other than what I suspect.
Good luck and all the best with what sounds like an awful situation you are in.
In my opinion only, there are other things at work here. Possibly he has found something else to give him a "high" or altered state so you would not smell alcohol, or maybe he is being wily about drinking.
The actions inherent in the 12 steps are nearly opposite the behaviors you are describing. It's hard to believe he would receive "advice" at a meeting, since meetings are generally about sharing our own personal experiences and rarely about directly giving advice.
No matter how I look at it- I smell a rat. With alcohol on his breath.
Please keep in mind that my thoughts are based on my experiences only. Your mileage may vary, and others here may also have ideas as to what might be going on other than what I suspect.
Good luck and all the best with what sounds like an awful situation you are in.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm...
this man is not a good positive influence on your son or you....
it's immaterial if he has returned to drinking.
It's my experience that not all loves are forever
and some are simply toxic.
Please take care of you and your son...
you know that is the best thing to do.....
this man is not a good positive influence on your son or you....
it's immaterial if he has returned to drinking.
It's my experience that not all loves are forever
and some are simply toxic.
Please take care of you and your son...
you know that is the best thing to do.....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi Buffalo66
I'm sorry you're going through that.
It certainly doesn't sound much like recovery as I understand it - but none of us can tell you if he's drinking or not, and we can only speculate if he's suffering from what some call 'untreated alcoholism'.
But personally? I think you need to focus on you, not him.
You've obviously posted a lot in F and F so this is not news to you...but I'd think about whether this is acceptable behaviour to you, and think about what you're going to do about it.
D
I'm sorry you're going through that.
It certainly doesn't sound much like recovery as I understand it - but none of us can tell you if he's drinking or not, and we can only speculate if he's suffering from what some call 'untreated alcoholism'.
But personally? I think you need to focus on you, not him.
You've obviously posted a lot in F and F so this is not news to you...but I'd think about whether this is acceptable behaviour to you, and think about what you're going to do about it.
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It's impossible to say.... if his treatment of you was bad before, it's possible that this is the real him. Alcohol numbs the emotions - and while some alcoholics can become argument or even violent, for me it was a way to go with the flow (not care). Getting sober means having no way to dumb down, if you know what I mean.
Of course, the paranoia, hanging out at bars, etc...... that's definitely not a good sign. It sure sounds to me like you deserve better........:ghug3
Of course, the paranoia, hanging out at bars, etc...... that's definitely not a good sign. It sure sounds to me like you deserve better........:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
why would you put up with this jerk? he sounds like an ungrateful, rude person, drunk or sober....what on earth could you possibly "rebuild" if he treats you badly?
truthfully, you are better off without him...let him play the "blame game" with someone else...he sounds like a real weasel, cheating on you, hanging out with other women while you sit home with his kid???/ and dinner....waiting on him? give him a home, clean laundry, a place to crash? why would he leave when he has maid hotel service.
be sure to get child support...you deserve much more than all this anguish...kick him to the curb.
truthfully, you are better off without him...let him play the "blame game" with someone else...he sounds like a real weasel, cheating on you, hanging out with other women while you sit home with his kid???/ and dinner....waiting on him? give him a home, clean laundry, a place to crash? why would he leave when he has maid hotel service.
be sure to get child support...you deserve much more than all this anguish...kick him to the curb.
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hello Buffallo66,
I'd say focus on your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your son. Some relationships don't work out, regardless if one or both partners are sober or drunk. I can not tell whether his bvehaviour has to do with drinking oir not, but to me it sounds like there were already relationship difficulties regardless of the alcoholism of your bf. If he treated you badly in the past and still treats you badly now, chances that this will significantly change in the future do not look good at all- it really boils down to wether you want to stay in this situation any longer. I really wish you and your kid well, reagrdless of what you chose to do, and that you can find a happy healthy environment. Because you deserve that, and your son too. All the best,
Lionne
I'd say focus on your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your son. Some relationships don't work out, regardless if one or both partners are sober or drunk. I can not tell whether his bvehaviour has to do with drinking oir not, but to me it sounds like there were already relationship difficulties regardless of the alcoholism of your bf. If he treated you badly in the past and still treats you badly now, chances that this will significantly change in the future do not look good at all- it really boils down to wether you want to stay in this situation any longer. I really wish you and your kid well, reagrdless of what you chose to do, and that you can find a happy healthy environment. Because you deserve that, and your son too. All the best,
Lionne
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I wouldn't have an active drunk around my 6 year old. Ever. I wouldn't have a sober alcoholic who was abusive, erratic in behavior and mood, and irresponsible with his life around my son, either.
Does it matter what he's "really" doing? What he IS doing, that is observable and measurable by you, is NOT ok. Is it??
Does it matter what he's "really" doing? What he IS doing, that is observable and measurable by you, is NOT ok. Is it??
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
What's going on is the guy is being what he is...an azzhole! It doesn't matter if he is drinking or not, he is a huge jerk and I can't think of a single reason to keep someone like that around or even have any contact whatsoever with.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 456
If he's at a bar 5 nights a week.. He's drinking.. (IMO)
I learned very creative ways of covering up alcohol breath... There are several products on the market that do it to the point where you could pass a breathlyzer after a pint of whiskey.. (dont get any ideas folks)
I learned very creative ways of covering up alcohol breath... There are several products on the market that do it to the point where you could pass a breathlyzer after a pint of whiskey.. (dont get any ideas folks)
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
I say this with MUCH kindness, but...
You already know what needs to be done. Deep down, you know.
I'm an alcoholic, but I do read in the F & F forum from time to time. I read something over there that was very "eye opening" to me.
It said something like this..."co-dependency issues aren't really issues b/c one person is co-dependent on another, it's that one person is co-dependent on a fantasy".
As an alcoholic, I can relate to that. I was co-dependent on the alcohol, which was a fantasy.
Maybe you can find something in that you can relate to as well.
Kjell
You already know what needs to be done. Deep down, you know.
I'm an alcoholic, but I do read in the F & F forum from time to time. I read something over there that was very "eye opening" to me.
It said something like this..."co-dependency issues aren't really issues b/c one person is co-dependent on another, it's that one person is co-dependent on a fantasy".
As an alcoholic, I can relate to that. I was co-dependent on the alcohol, which was a fantasy.
Maybe you can find something in that you can relate to as well.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
whether this man is sober or drunk, he's hurtful and disrespectful to you. You've told him his behavior bothers you and he deliberately still does it? you've asked him to leave and he *won't*?
what is he teaching his child by his behavior....he lives with you, sleeps with you and berates you calling you "the enemy"?
I think you need to ask yourself WHY you think you can fix something that just isn't there...obviously he is not interested in fixing the relationship and you are making excuses for his bad behavior by asking about "early recovery"?
nope, i never acted that way towards anyone, drunk or sober.
what is he teaching his child by his behavior....he lives with you, sleeps with you and berates you calling you "the enemy"?
I think you need to ask yourself WHY you think you can fix something that just isn't there...obviously he is not interested in fixing the relationship and you are making excuses for his bad behavior by asking about "early recovery"?
nope, i never acted that way towards anyone, drunk or sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
I am 40. He is 32.
He has been fine at work, works family business. Family "hero" for " beating" it.
A lot of pressure.
He was a really non functioning drunk.
He has been fine at work, works family business. Family "hero" for " beating" it.
A lot of pressure.
He was a really non functioning drunk.
Thanks.
I see signs he's unhappy in the relationship but doesn't have the guts to say so or doesn't know how to get out of it.
The amount of time he spends out of the house is a huge signal, and it almost doesn't matter if he's drinking at the bar. Sorry. Of course I'm far from the situation but that's what first comes to mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks everyone.
I spoke to the bar today. They do confirm that they will not serve him in support of his recovery. The bartender agreed that she feels awkward and uncomfortable w him being there. She does feel he is slipping, but he won't get the drink at their bar.
Obviously he is unhappy in the relationship. He says he doesn't like my treatment of him. My treatment of him was of respect and compassion, and support for a new, better life, one where he could build a relationship back up with his only child.
All of that goes minimized, and unacknowledged. The treatment that I think he does not like is that in which I treat him like an adult, and when I hold him accountable.
So, yeah. I guess you are right. He is unhappy in the relationship abd that's why he goes to a bar 5 nights a week. I guess I would have assumed it had more to do with his severe
alcoholism, since there are a lot of different places to go in a major city.
Our ages really indicated to u that he is going to a bar often in 4 th mo, because he is unhappy with me?
I think he is unhappy with him.
I spoke to the bar today. They do confirm that they will not serve him in support of his recovery. The bartender agreed that she feels awkward and uncomfortable w him being there. She does feel he is slipping, but he won't get the drink at their bar.
Obviously he is unhappy in the relationship. He says he doesn't like my treatment of him. My treatment of him was of respect and compassion, and support for a new, better life, one where he could build a relationship back up with his only child.
All of that goes minimized, and unacknowledged. The treatment that I think he does not like is that in which I treat him like an adult, and when I hold him accountable.
So, yeah. I guess you are right. He is unhappy in the relationship abd that's why he goes to a bar 5 nights a week. I guess I would have assumed it had more to do with his severe
alcoholism, since there are a lot of different places to go in a major city.
Our ages really indicated to u that he is going to a bar often in 4 th mo, because he is unhappy with me?
I think he is unhappy with him.
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