BlackShip

Day 1: I was miserably hungover as most people are on their day 1. Went into the office late so i could "sleep it off". Got home without my usual ritual of getting drunk on the way. Around 8-9 PM, 2-3 hours after my usual drinking time I started feeling very anxious, started grinding my teeth, starting wagging either my finger or toe up and down constantly. Took a swig of Nyquil to get myself to sleep after being unsuccessful for several hours.

Day 2: Woke up and had dry heaves. Have to go to the bathroom but can't go if you know what I mean. Ate a little bit against what my body wanted. The teeth grinding and finger/toe wagging started about mid-afternoon. Cold sweats started towards the evening. Had an uncomfortable amount of energy, which combined with the teeth grinding, limb tapping and cold sweats scared me because it reminded me of being high on cocaine and I am also a recovering cocaine addict. Was still optimistic and proud of myself for the time and even posted here with a clear mind and good spirits.

Night came. Searched Nyquil on this website and was shocked to learn the alcohol content. Tried to go to sleep naturally. Laid in bed for 4 hours with the "cocaine-like" effects as rampant as ever. Started hearing noises in the silence like a toy train running on tracks and a CB radio not getting a signal. Kept itching and felt like something was touching my feet.

Finally fell asleep at 3 AM. Haven't had a significant dream in a long time and then had a dream of my best friend who is also an alcoholic and a heroin addict hanging onto my back like I was giving him a piggy back ride and screaming "You're going to die!". Woke up in cold sweats at 5 AM and laid there for a couple of hours until it was time to go into work.

Day 3: Dry heaves continue. I still felt good to go to a 9 AM client meeting without being hungover. Mind was much more clear but at the end of the meeting the "cocaine-like" effects started again. My insides started hurting but it didn't feel constipation related. It was at both the top and bottom of my torso. It was a miserable day at my desk. Sent a text message to the love of my life who dumped me 6 weeks ago for my drinking and asked her out for dinner and told her I was getting sober. She told me no.

Got out of work and slammed 5 24 oz. beers which killed a lot of the effects but was still a far cry away from the 16-20 drinks I've drinken daily for the past couple years. Felt completely ashamed of myself because from what I've read on here most people get through it after day 4 and I have to start day 1 again tomorrow. The work I've done is gone.

Also was very shocked because just over a year ago I was put on Antabuse and went 22 days without any of these effects but have apparently become much more dependant since then.

Thinking of ways to make the next run more successful. Considering going to the gym both before work and after work and just completely exhausting myself on the treadmill in hopes that it will tire out my body and eliminate some of the "cocaine-like" effects.

Really just sad and disappointed in myself. I know these effects are not stronger than me, I CAN do this. I've beaten addictions before. I'm already so pissed at myself that I know I'm not going to drink more today than the white flag I've already put up. Thinking of something, anything, to make the next try more successful.

Fandy

OK, you may need some help stronger than just our support....can you get to your doctor and tell him/her that you are desperately wanting to quit and do some safe de-toxing?

keeping busy is good, extreme exercise when your body is in trauma is not the best option. a lighter, bland diet with fruit and veggies, easier to digest food might help the nausea.

to help with sleeping, try a turkey sandwich for dinner and some vanilla ice cream...(my personal sleep aids) also there are many relaxing teas in the grocery store.

congrats on your 3 days, congrats on picking yourself up and trying again....you can do it...keep posting and reading....even when you can't sleep. be kind to yourself, it will get better.

Dee74

I'm sorry you didn't make it, but very few people do the first time - especially without support.

Look, the gym is great - but it's simply not enough for most of us. I agree with Fandy trying the brute force exercise approach to sweat stuff out and exhaust yourself is really not good for you.

I hope you'll think this time about seeing a Dr, and maybe think some more about avenues of recovery support.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

D

Stevie1

Yes, you can, BlackShip.

It's tough. I bet most here have been on and off the wagon countless times; I know I have.

I think it may be a good idea for you to see a doctor for help with the withdrawal symptoms? The jittery thing sounds sort of scary to me.

reggiewayne

Hi Blackship. Like others have said, I would definitely see your Dr. as soon as possible. It may seem scary, but it really isn't. They are there to help you. You seem to be having a very tough time and still trying to go to work, workout, and act normal. You may not be able to "act normal" for a few days. This doesn't mean you're weak, it just means your bodies sick and needs help.

I wish you the best man. I to had to tell my Dr. about what I was going through and she was very helpful. Keep us posted!!!!

BlackShip

Going to the doctor is a good thing, but the last time I did that, he just threw me on Vivitrol for a couple of months and all that did was build a cyst at the injection site every time and make me loopy for the next week after injection. Then he put me on Antabuse as I described the first post, and after being afraid of it for 22 days, I realized I can get drunk on it and all it does it makes my cheeks red and shorten my breath.

As far as going to the hospital, I'm afraid of that. I went to the hospital several years ago from heart issues and was in there for 4 days with no insurance and I still owe them 15k.

I'm convinced that this thing is me vs. me. I feel like that if I can lessen the "cocaine-like" feelings that I can beat this. I'm looking for someone who has felt the same effects and can give advice to perform better on the next try.

Dee74

Well I wish you the best. I tried the me vs me approach for twenty years

The trouble with fighting yourself is the you thats pushing the easiest most immediate option is likely to always win.

I think most here who are sober know it's not a battle at all.

It's a surrender. It's an acceptance that not only am I an alcoholic but I need to reach out and get some help to stay in recovery.

Me and my pride kicked out against that for years, but I started moving forward when I realised that.

D

CarolD

I don't know a thing about useing Cocaine..or it's
withdrawal symptoms.

Part of my de toxing from alcohol....did contain weired dreams..
itchy skin....adio hallucinations ...body twtiches ..about everything
you experienced. Day 3 was the hardest for me.

Please check out this link...it might be useful...Isure hope so

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

As you mentioned previous heart problems...seems especially
risky to be doing this alone.

The Salvation Army has short term free de tox facilities
in many areas. Please see if that is available.

Hope you find a way to quit and stay quit...
You never have to go thru this misery again.

MsCooterBrown

Hi Blackship! I found distraction to be the key to get me thru the 1st week. I drank lots of water..helps to rid your body of leftover toxins. I took long walks observing what all the "normal" sober people did. Lots of raking going on at that time. Decided the sober people didn't have the answer for me! I hate raking. SO THEN...I discovered reading..it was somewhat new to me because I had always been too drunk to retain anything I read. One of the best books are Under The Influence. I read lots of other books all pertaining to addiction and self help. I guess the main thing is you have to find whatever distraction you can that YOU enjoy. And when you can't sleep someone is always on this site. I spent entire days here reading all the posts. Glad you found us.

DayTrader

I hear ya Ship.... but I found out that my experience matched what Dee described. I didn't do it for 20 yrs but I tried to control it....to get things back in some semblance of order for a long time......and never quite got there and stayed there.

It really was allllllllllll those failures that convinced me I better give this AA deal (that I reeeeeally didn't like at first) a shot. Those guys kept saying they found a way to get sober and they didn't really have all that much to do with it - their higher powers did it for them. Well, always the crafty drunk......looking for the easiest way out...... finding a HP that would to THAT heavy-lifting for me sounded like a good way to go. Granted, I had it a bit twisted......but that's what kept me coming back. I just felt I couldn't take any more failures and the promises in the book tell me several different ways, that it CAN be all over....I CAN get recovered and have a happy life.

It's a good deal......but it took me a lot of pain to be willing to set aside my ego and my pride to give it a thorough shot.

Supercrew

Blackship, this is the exact withdrawal that I had. One was about 6 months ago, and I was able to ride it out, I didn't exercise profusely, but I walked for miles and paced and moved and drank water for what seemed like hours on end. Somehow I eventually fell asleep, and the process started over and lasted me about 3 days the first time.

The second time was in December after a short but heavy relapse, and on about day 2 after falling asleep at midnight and waking up at 3AM and then pacing the house until about 8:30AM, I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I couldn't control my shaking to the point where when I finally tried to dial 911, it took me about 6 tries. They put me on an IV and then pumped me with a Benzo, and I calmed down immediately. They wrote me a script and I was pretty good by the following day, and didn't need anything after that so I tossed the remainder of the benzos. But we all react differently. But I know exactly what you are going through and I feel for you. When I detoxed the last time I thought I was taking myself down slow enough, but that wasn't the case. I was told by the Dr. each time I attempt this it will get worse as far as the withdrawal.

Justfor1

16-20 drinks a day is a lot. I just recently had to do a short detox in a hospital and I was drinking about that. I'm amazed you can go to work. The doctors told me that drinking over a pint of liquor a day is very dangerous with regards to withdrawal. My blood-pressure was through the roof.

jay01

I didn't know (more than a pint) thanks for the information.

I was drinking alittle more than Blackship on average, somedays less , while my BP spiked the first two days its now back down to fairly reasonable number almost perfect thank goodness. I'm still in my first week, the cravings are horrible and I am empathic with what you're going through Blackship. It feels as if I've lost hand or foot.

Keep pushing forward best you can.

TwelveSteps

Blackship, from a medical perspective, each time you detox will be worse. I know fromexperience. You owe it to yourself to make this one your last.

GG

CarolD

If you read the link I posted....and I hope you will

please note that not everyone had the same experience.

What happened to x or y may not be true for you.
There are too many variable to take into consideration.

CarolD

Jay....Welcome back....:wavey;

I started a new thread about my experience with cravings

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2853982

Fandy

if you aren't going to ask for medical intervention, at least monitor your BP, red cheeks and SOB sounds like hypertension which could lead to a stroke.

rapid HR from anxiety, sweating are signs you should not ignore....and if you aren't happy with your doctor's treatment just TELL THEM, ask for an alternate treatment, ask for a referral to another doc., someone who understands your issues better.

there are addiction specialists and most treatment is covered by your health insurance.

if you don't want to have medical help, tell someone close to you to check on you frequently.

doggonecarl

Blackship, in your post previous to this one, you wrote:

"I'm realizing that I will be adding 6-7 coherent hours to my weekdays and 12+ on my weekend days and that is probably going to result in some significant boredom. I feel like this is going to be one of the hardest parts of staying sober.

Are you willing to accept, now, that your drinking isn't about boredom and that your recovery isn't about staying busy? And it's much more than just stopping. Hope you look into support for this go-around. Good luck.

BlackShip

Well yes, significant things have happened since complaining about boredom. Ill be happy when boredom is my biggest problem.

Good morning day 1.

cabledude

I'm curious why you believe you're more powerful than your alcoholism? That you CAN do this, as you say.

Is this based on some success you've had not drinking in the past before drinking again?

Or is it just a feeling that despite what you repeately experience, the actual reality is something other than the reality of many years, just not appearing at this time or any time in the past to be so but is actually true in some way that you cannot detect, yet sense is much more real than what you actually experience in the real world?

Or do you feel that deep inside you is the latent and as yet untapped power to get beyond the 4 day mark and into the realm of the week and a half range of sobriety before drinking yet again?

I'd agree with you there. Just try really hard this time.

Before doing all the AA stuff, I made weeks and even months completely sober here and there. Tapping the latent power within myself and doing a bunch of treatment programs and various swearing off techniques enabled me to hit those drinkless distances. But I always drank again, unfortunately.

Otherwise I'd not have gotten involved in AA in '82, which has worked well since.

Give it your very best shot this time, and see what happens.