ImReadyToQuit

Maybe this applies... I just got off the phone with my mother.. she's 61... She won't tell me but I know something is terribly wrong health wise.. She won't tell me whats wrong and won't probably until she's back in the hospital (she was there for a week in 2009)..

She just told me she had already bought my wife her birthday present and wants to bring it over this weekend (my wife's birthday is March 20th)... I love her so much, she has been a smoker/drinker all her adult life but as children we never saw either (she hid it quite well)... Either way, she sacraficed everything for her 3 kids (single mother as well)... If something we're to happen to her I would be devastated... I know I can not drink.. But in times like that its when I would run to the bottle.. I'm just wondering how I will cope...

I was sober for weeks and feeling great when my first suffered a 19 week miscarriage last year.. I went right to the liquor store after I got her home from the hospital.. I dunno.. All my prayers and thoughts are with my mother.. I just need some advice..

Specifically I need to know how to deal with it really early in sobriety.

ronf

Afternoon, Just my 2 cents. I finally figured out that when my mind was taking off as yours is (I think it's called projecting) it was the alcoholic comity in my head setting me up to drink again!! You are assuming the worst, and you MIGHT be right. At this time you know nothing for sure, yet your reacting as though it is known that your mother has a serious problem. Poof! your alcoholism just won again. PLEASE I am NOT making light of your situation. Your mother sounds like a very special person who did everything she could to give you a good life. How can you return that loving effort if your drunk?

Sorry if some of this sounds hard! I couldn't think of a better wording at the moment.

Hoping for the best, Ron

ImReadyToQuit

I appreciate it your response Ron.. But I was asking how to cope without drinking.. I was in no way looking for an excuse to drink. I have a meeting a 9 tonight.. I'll discuss it there. Thanks anyway.

Sugah

I don't know what you consider long-term sobriety--I have eight years, and though I don't consider that long-term (maybe early mid-term?), I have faced quite a number of difficult situations sober--the deaths of both of my parents (while I was their primary support), deaths of friends in recovery, serious health issues (others as well as me), financial trouble, four kids who were teenagers all at once (!).

How did I stay sober through it? First, I put my sobriety and relationship with my HP before all else. In every situation, others were counting on me, and I needed my HP and my sobriety to be responsible and help them through it. I also had to learn to reach out to others, just like you're doing, though I'd suggest plenty of face-to-face contact, too.

But do you know what really kept me on track? I acknowledged and accepted the true selfish nature of active alcoholism. If I feel pain and pick up a drink in response to it, I've just rendered my aid to others null and void. I make the situation about me. At the root of why I drank, I found this tantrum-throwing kid always crying about "what was happening to me."

I support others; I let others support me. I don't wall myself off with a bottle so I can feel sorry for myself about how the world treats me. Things don't happen to me. Things happen.

Having said all that...take a look at the last paragraph of Dr. Paul O's story ("Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict" in the 3rd edition; "Acceptance was the Answer" in the 4th). "One day at a time" refers to our emotional state. Live in today, not in what you imagine might happen tomorrow.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee74

I hope whatever it is will prove to be nothing IRTQ

I'm dealing with other peoples health issues right now too.
Someone I know will soon die - to me, it seems a little self indulgent for me to drink over that.

Whatever it is, just be there for your mom. She's the one that needs the support the most right now, yeah?

Don't let fear talk you down - I think we're all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

If worse comes to worse, you'll deal with it, like we all do. One sober moment at a time.

D

ANEWAUGUST

My father died, I was sober.

I experienced life on lifes terms. We alcoholics always want to write the script, direct the play. That way everything turns out just the way we want it.

There is a God, and I am not him. I pray, and I turn over the outcome to God.

Don't awfulize your mothers health until you have concrete news to worry about. Be there for her, be the best daughter you can be, be the best person you can be. Keep doing the next right thing....and you will and can get thru any of peaks and valleys of life, one day at a time...

ronf

Sorry I misinterpreted. Hope you find what you need at your meeting!!

Ron

LexieCat

Coping with "life on life's terms" without picking up a drink to get through it was the hardest part of learning to stay sober for me. I didn't want to drink, exactly, when bad stuff happened, but it was like, "What DO I do to get through this?" I went to meetings, and I talked. I did what I could to make the situation better, if possible. I prayed. And I didn't drink.

And each time something upsetting happened and I didn't pick up a drink, the next time it was a little easier. I freak out MUCH less frequently now than I did when I was newly sober.

I also agree that you are projecting worst-case scenarios that haven't even happened yet.

Do you have a sponsor? If not, this might be a good time to get one. Sponsors can be good for the venting and guidance to get through these situations without the need to drink over them.

SSIL75

I am still in early recovery (just 6 mos) but I will offer that IME so far the stressful times aren't as stressful as I thought they were. Experiencing pain sober is very different. It feels bad of course but then there are pockets of calm in there. And the situation evolves.

Not like when I was drinking and every stressful time just had me spiraling hysterically with no progress, and a part of me even enjoyed the trauma because it made it OK for me to drink.

Stevie1

I agree with not "awfulizing" your mother's death...she may turn out to be just fine, yes?

My father died during a very heavy-drinking period of mine in the mid 1990s (of liver cancer, no doubt at least in part because of his drinking) and strangely enough, the day he died was the only sober day I had in that entire stretch of drinking. When the rubber hit the road, I wanted to be clear and aware and truly feeling what was going on. I didn't plan that, it just happened and I was and still am glad of that.

FrothyJay

I did not drink when I was happy or sad, I drank all the time. When I was in rehab and they asked me what my triggers were, I said, "daylight."

I do not intend to minimize your worry. But I needed to learn that my alcoholism was not trigger-based-- it was there all the time. Sure, untreated alcoholism will look for excuses to drink, and an ill mother is certainly a better reason than a hangnail-- but the disease is not conditional. So neither can sobriety.

Bottom line, in my opinion-- there are no tried and true ways to keep yourself from drinking when a loved one falls ill. Just like there are no tried and true ways to keep yourself from drinking when you win the lottery.

I hear your concern and worry, and I recognize you are in early sobriety. But early sobriety does not need to mean "tentative sobriety." I believe years sober are not an indication of much of anything, much as they are celebrated in AA. I know far too many newcomers with stronger recovery than people with 20 years who are miserably struggling through each day.

Recovery is an inside job. The alcoholic can't fight pitched battles against situations and triggers and expect to win without fundamental change. And there's no timetable for that change-- it can happen quickly.

I'll put it this way: if you believe you may drink over your mother's possible illness, you haven't really conceded powerlessness and unmanageability. And those concepts only become solid after we've done the work of recovery.

In the meantime, certainly talk to your sponsor and others about your concerns. But if you aren't in the work of recovery, it will be much harder to stand up to alcoholism.

Antiderivative

By not drowning yourself in a bottle.

You are mistaken the idea that drinking = coping. The definition of cope is

1. To contend or strive, especially on even terms or with success.
2. To contend with difficulties and act to overcome them.
cope - definition of cope by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

Again, drowning yourself in a bottle =/= successfully overcoming your difficulties.

Your mother is 61 and she is a drinker and smoker. I hope that she has many more happy years in her, but unfortunately, many children have to bury their parents. I buried my mother when I was nine. It sucked to watch her self destruct as she did and to be powerless over that as a young child. The remaining two of my grandparents and great aunt and uncle have limited time. Currently, I am thousands of miles away from them. That also sucks.

However, my experience with coping with death is that it is a process. You need to feel all sorts of emotions until you arrive at acceptance. We need to accept the fact that we are mortal and so aren't our loved ones, but apart of that acceptance is being grateful that these loving people were apart of our lives.

If you drown yourself in a bottle, then you are only going to delay the process. Sooner or later, you are going to have to feel and feeling sometimes sucks. But allow yourself to feel. Perhaps, seek some outside help, if you think you can benefit from grief counselings.

Bests,

Mark75

I hope that your meeting went well

I see this as a third and eleventh step opportunity. What happens is God's will and is not your's ... Seek his will for you and pray for the strength to carry it out. Prayer and meditation... If you are busy doing that... Drinking will no longer seem like the solution for your grief... Remember, your higher power... The power and strength is there for you and you will find meaning in your experience and your mothers.

Prayers to you.

ImReadyToQuit

Thanks everybody.. I read and appreciate everything you all wrote.. Had a great meeting, I spoke for about an hour.. (I've never been the shy type)... Along with the meetings and my sponsor I feel.. for lack of a better word... relieved.. When I posted this original, I had JUST got off the phone with my mother... I was quite anxious. My mother is great, but she has her faults, she tells everybody and me that I know her better than anybody.. So that was what the post was about... I love her so much and I'm very concerned... But I do have a baby on the way and a wife to think of.. So drinking simply is NOT an option again in this lifetime.

I have filled my schedule completely, there is no time in the day for boredom.. Just sleep. I've written down every mistake that I made in my past attempts and have them typed out BIG on my wall.. My biggest mistake before was not staying busy and not getting a good sponsor...

LaFemme

Prayers for your moms health!

I hope there is nothing serious going on with her. In the event that there is something...let yourself feel the emotions...imo that is what life is about. I don't have a lot of sober time (6 months) but I've had plenty of crap come my way in that period.

Good luck!

Hawksbill

Simply, in exactly the same way as you deal with everything else. One day at a time, one moment at a time and sober. The good thing about sobriety is you start to feel stuff again and learn how to cope with it without a drink. You are a resourceful amazing person who has coped with possibly the hardest situation known to man - being an active alcoholic.

You have been there, you have come through it and now you're sober. You made the right choices (by yourself) when it came to quitting drinking and you are able to do the same with any other situation. You are capable and have made a great choice to become a sober person. Now, you are in the best place possible to make rational, informed decisions about your own future.

Get as many FACTS about the situation as you can, then decide based on those and not what you THINK are the facts.

You don't need luck here, you just need to be you - the sober you that can do anything you want to without a drink.

Hawksbill.

CarolD

Prayers to your Mom and for you.

jamdls

3 yrs ago this week my mom died 5 months into my sobriety, I had not seen her for about 10 yrs at the time (we lived about 2000 mi apart) but we had talked on the phone regularly. I spent 3 days at the hospital before her passing with 3 of my 4 siblings and my father, my mother never regained consciousness. At the gathering after the funeral the alcohol was flowing, I thought I would cave and I believe my family thought I would also cave. My father had been sober for over 20 yrs at the time and everyone actually encouraged him to drink "to ease his pain", he didn't drink. I was numb, didn't talk much and cried a lot, I left the gathering after less than 2 hours and flew home, I live alone. I was lost and I knew I had not been a 'devoted daughter' and knew I'd lost my chance to be. What I chose to do very consciously was honor my mother by my continued sobriety. My dad came to live with me for awhile a couple of months after mom died and he told me how people had encouraged him to drink and he told me something like "your mother often said to me "if I die before you do, don't use my death as an excuse to drink, if you do I will not welcome you in heaven".
Even if you don't believe in God and heaven you can still honor your mother's life by maintaining your sobriety and being the best she would have wanted from you.