I'm back...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Deinze, Belgium
Posts: 246
I'm back...
Hi everybody.
After about a year of sobriety (2007), I started drinking again...
I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. It started with the little devil in my head saying things like "You've been sober for almost a year and it wasn't so hard,... so maybe you're not an alcoholic anyway." and "You can have one or two once in a while,... remember how good a cool beer tastes during the summer. You can't be serious about never ever drinking a nice beer again!"
After a while I started drinking again. At first very moderate, but three years later I'm back where I started. Two bottles of wine or 12 beers in an evening. About 6 days a week. And when I can spend an evening without drinking, I try to convince myself that I don't have a problem. But the next day it's back to boozetown. The last few weeks have been "problematic" to say the least. Headaches, sometimes my hands get the shakes, short tempered, always soooo tired, I can't seem to handle the slightest bit of stress... the list keeps getting longer these days.
There's no fun to be found (or maybe just when I'm drunk). I don't enjoy anything anymore when I'm sober. It all seems so boring. Going on family visits, surfing the net, watching a good movie... It's only fun while intoxicated.
So right now I'm at work, having a major hangover and praying that there won't be too many customers. I do my best to stay friendly but it is so hard. They irritate me,... especially the chatty ones or those superhappy types.
I know that I have a problem and it is killing me... but it is so hard to resist the urge. I know I should take it one day at a time,... but it's so hard,... the feeling that if I decide to quit,... I can never have another beer (I live in Belgium and believe me, we have some amazingly tasty beers). 'Cause the fact is, I do drink to get the buzz, but I also really like the taste.
But I can't keep doing this, I know that. It's not how one is supposed to live,... and it's not fair for the rest of my family. Sometimes I can be such a sweet husband and a superdad for my two adorable kids (Two boys, the oldest is 3 years old, the youngest 6 weeks old). I play with them, make funny faces, sing songs in the car when I bring the oldest one to school...
... but then there is the other side of my. The side that yells at my kids because they make too much noise when I have a hangover. The side that has zero tolerance for stress or crying kids. Yesterday I yelled at my oldest son because he was running around while playing with his favorite toy (a balloon). And why? Because It all got to much for me. The youngest one was crying, the television was on,... all those different noises... it felt like I was going crazy. In the afternoon my wife took the kids to see their grandparents. I stayed home. Too tired to do anything, and I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to rest.
When they got back home we ate dinner and after the kids went to bed I started drinking again. And then everything is ok. I'm calm, and even the most boring things seem ok to me.
I guess coming back to SR is the first step towards recovery. I know it will be a long and bumpy road,... but I owe it to my loved ones, and I owe it myself (and my body).
Thanks for reading my rants and sorry for the lousy grammar (English is not my native tongue).
After about a year of sobriety (2007), I started drinking again...
I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. It started with the little devil in my head saying things like "You've been sober for almost a year and it wasn't so hard,... so maybe you're not an alcoholic anyway." and "You can have one or two once in a while,... remember how good a cool beer tastes during the summer. You can't be serious about never ever drinking a nice beer again!"
After a while I started drinking again. At first very moderate, but three years later I'm back where I started. Two bottles of wine or 12 beers in an evening. About 6 days a week. And when I can spend an evening without drinking, I try to convince myself that I don't have a problem. But the next day it's back to boozetown. The last few weeks have been "problematic" to say the least. Headaches, sometimes my hands get the shakes, short tempered, always soooo tired, I can't seem to handle the slightest bit of stress... the list keeps getting longer these days.
There's no fun to be found (or maybe just when I'm drunk). I don't enjoy anything anymore when I'm sober. It all seems so boring. Going on family visits, surfing the net, watching a good movie... It's only fun while intoxicated.
So right now I'm at work, having a major hangover and praying that there won't be too many customers. I do my best to stay friendly but it is so hard. They irritate me,... especially the chatty ones or those superhappy types.
I know that I have a problem and it is killing me... but it is so hard to resist the urge. I know I should take it one day at a time,... but it's so hard,... the feeling that if I decide to quit,... I can never have another beer (I live in Belgium and believe me, we have some amazingly tasty beers). 'Cause the fact is, I do drink to get the buzz, but I also really like the taste.
But I can't keep doing this, I know that. It's not how one is supposed to live,... and it's not fair for the rest of my family. Sometimes I can be such a sweet husband and a superdad for my two adorable kids (Two boys, the oldest is 3 years old, the youngest 6 weeks old). I play with them, make funny faces, sing songs in the car when I bring the oldest one to school...
... but then there is the other side of my. The side that yells at my kids because they make too much noise when I have a hangover. The side that has zero tolerance for stress or crying kids. Yesterday I yelled at my oldest son because he was running around while playing with his favorite toy (a balloon). And why? Because It all got to much for me. The youngest one was crying, the television was on,... all those different noises... it felt like I was going crazy. In the afternoon my wife took the kids to see their grandparents. I stayed home. Too tired to do anything, and I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to rest.
When they got back home we ate dinner and after the kids went to bed I started drinking again. And then everything is ok. I'm calm, and even the most boring things seem ok to me.
I guess coming back to SR is the first step towards recovery. I know it will be a long and bumpy road,... but I owe it to my loved ones, and I owe it myself (and my body).
Thanks for reading my rants and sorry for the lousy grammar (English is not my native tongue).
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
You have great english!
I can relate so much to your post. Especially the part about yelling at the kids
I have to say in sobriety I've found that a lot of what you're saying reads like alcoholic talk to me. You know that things are boring, that the taste is that good, etc. I've found sober life to be way more vibrant than drinking life. But I didn't get there until I really took that blind leap into accepting that I can't drink ever again. And making a huge effort to enjoy sober things.
I hope you find some clarity soon.
I can relate so much to your post. Especially the part about yelling at the kids
I have to say in sobriety I've found that a lot of what you're saying reads like alcoholic talk to me. You know that things are boring, that the taste is that good, etc. I've found sober life to be way more vibrant than drinking life. But I didn't get there until I really took that blind leap into accepting that I can't drink ever again. And making a huge effort to enjoy sober things. I hope you find some clarity soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Deinze, Belgium
Posts: 246
The thought of not drinking anymore does bring some kind of serenity...
I remember last time I quit. No more stressing about having enough booze in the house to get trough the weekend. No more empty bottles to hide (or finding places to hide an "emergency bottle").
I know what you mean Carol. My real dad is an alcoholic. And boy, do I have some lousy childhood memories about him! And still, I'm making the same mistakes!
I remember last time I quit. No more stressing about having enough booze in the house to get trough the weekend. No more empty bottles to hide (or finding places to hide an "emergency bottle").
I know what you mean Carol. My real dad is an alcoholic. And boy, do I have some lousy childhood memories about him! And still, I'm making the same mistakes!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Seems like you've got some strong reasons to quit, for sure. You really nailed the biggest benefit I've found: so much less stress! It was so hard trying to control and conceal and basically manage my drinking day in, day out.
I liked the taste of beer too. I think I also liked to drink the fancy stuff because it made me less like a drunk (as if the kind of drink matters). But I realized the whole "I just loves how it tastes" argument was a BS rationalization. I mean, if I found out chocolate or sirloin steak was ruining my life and would eventually kill me, would I spend two seconds worrying about missing the taste of those things?
I liked the taste of beer too. I think I also liked to drink the fancy stuff because it made me less like a drunk (as if the kind of drink matters). But I realized the whole "I just loves how it tastes" argument was a BS rationalization. I mean, if I found out chocolate or sirloin steak was ruining my life and would eventually kill me, would I spend two seconds worrying about missing the taste of those things?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back Hush 
In the past I found sobriety boring too....this time around I realised I'm what makes my life boring or interesting, not alcohol
It was hard to get sober, and harder to stay that way - but I've never regretted it.
I can look at myself in the mirror again.
D
In the past I found sobriety boring too....this time around I realised I'm what makes my life boring or interesting, not alcohol
It was hard to get sober, and harder to stay that way - but I've never regretted it.
I can look at myself in the mirror again.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Yes, beer is tasty, but I agree with ReadyandAble. It's just a liquid, and billions of people lead perfectly happy lives without every touching the stuff. The idea that's is necessary is just crazy (which I think you know).
Part of being an adult is knowing your limitations and building a happy life while accounting for that. If you're a diabetic, you have to control what you eat. If you're a narcoleptic, you can't drive a car. If you're an alcoholic, you can't drink. Everybody has little burdens to bear, and this is just one of ours.
You had a year of sobriety, I guess I'm wondering if you ever really "cleaned house" and understood the reasons why you were drinking...
Part of being an adult is knowing your limitations and building a happy life while accounting for that. If you're a diabetic, you have to control what you eat. If you're a narcoleptic, you can't drive a car. If you're an alcoholic, you can't drink. Everybody has little burdens to bear, and this is just one of ours.
You had a year of sobriety, I guess I'm wondering if you ever really "cleaned house" and understood the reasons why you were drinking...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I am glad you are back Hush. You know..I know you feel bad but your post will be a strong reminder that we can NEVER go back to drinking. I think that is a very common thought that the alcoholic voice throws out..."well I have been sober X amount of time...maybe I am NOT an alcoholic"...we all know better. Hang in there...you did it once..do it again Mister!!!
Proud Neonephalist
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Thanks for sharing your story...it'll help many people who are having the same kind of thoughts. It sure sent a shiver down my spine!
Your sons are lucky to have a dad like you; one who is willing to fight to give them a better life. Since your oldest son is three years old, that gives you some time to work things out...how many things do you remember from when you were three years old?
Your sons are lucky to have a dad like you; one who is willing to fight to give them a better life. Since your oldest son is three years old, that gives you some time to work things out...how many things do you remember from when you were three years old?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 270
Greetings from Germany Hush...and why the crazy number of highway lights in Belgium, it's not like anyone is going fast.
Pretty classic stuff Hush, not sure if doing the same thing will produce different results. If you could have before, you would have.
What else can you throw in the mix to make this the time that sticks?
Pretty classic stuff Hush, not sure if doing the same thing will produce different results. If you could have before, you would have.
What else can you throw in the mix to make this the time that sticks?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Victoria
Posts: 143
I know I should take it one day at a time,...But I can't keep doing this, I know that. It's not how one is supposed to. I know it will be a long and bumpy road,... but I owe it to my loved ones, and I owe it myself (and my body).
Welcome back
no you can't keep drinking and expect your loved ones to keep putting up with not having you available for them. Getting sober is not easy, but it's also not impossible.
Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from today and make a new ending.Carl Bard.
Welcome back
no you can't keep drinking and expect your loved ones to keep putting up with not having you available for them. Getting sober is not easy, but it's also not impossible.
Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from today and make a new ending.Carl Bard.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Welcome back! AA has saved my life and through the program the desire to drink left me some years back and has never returned. You can have a beautiful life in Belgium - or anywhere!! - sober and joyous and free!
Good luck!
Cathy31
x
Good luck!
Cathy31
x
Recovered.
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 32
Well done for coming back and thanks for sharing that. I am 8 months sober and the thought of drinking again iis just utter insanity, i much prefer life sober. It is a day at a time & i'm so grateful to have a good sponsor and step 10. Good luck.
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