BellaTeal

Alright, enough is enough. It’s about time I do something about my alcoholism. I mean REALLY do something, not just go to counseling and attend an AA meeting once every 3 months. If I wasn’t in school and if I had the money, I’d seriously consider going inpatient. I just can’t do this anymore. The quality of my work is suffering big time. I go to class in the morning barely able to write because my hands are shaking. I spend the entire class worrying that people might notice. But, you know, it’s either show up at 11am with shaky hands or show up at 11am reeking of booze (which I’ve also done).

I am gonna die if I don’t change. My liver actually feels tight. The night before classes resumed I sobered up after a horrible 4 day bender. I was 2 minutes away from getting my ass to a hospital because my pulse was 175+ and my entire body was shaking so bad. If I didn’t have any klonopin, I probably would have gone. It was scary; I actually thought my heart might explode.

I don’t want my entire life to be like that. And I sure as **** don’t want to die yet. I ran out of vodka today (well, technically yesterday now since it’s 2am). I didn’t buy more. I don’t think I’m going to.

I hope I mean it this time. You know, sometimes I’ll tell myself, “This is all VERY BAD and I HAVE to stop because I’m clearly an alcoholic and I’m killing myself.” So I stay sober for a day or two. Maybe I go easy on the drinking for a week. After that I’m singing a whole nother tune. “I’m not THAT bad. Hey look, I didn’t drink today! And there was that time when I only had just one! Alcoholics can’t do that so…maybe I’m not really one after all.” Then I drink heavily and the cycle continues.

So now here I sit. Sick, scared and wanting a drink so darn bad even though I’ve got homework due tomorrow and I haven’t even started it yet. Typical. Eh, it beats floating around in drunken-pass-out-land.

I don’t make threads often (or like, ever) but I came here because I’m upset, frustrated, feeling very alone and I just really really really want to talk to people that understand. Well, thanks for letting me get it all out.

ACT10Npack

Good to see you want to change. Saying you want to change and doing it are 2 different things. You may want to go to the doctor about your shakes and your 175+ pulse. You may want to go to detox at the hospital, if you don't want to do it at home. Inpatient rehab maybe a good idea but it's better off doing it when your not at school and it's not cheap.


But first thing is first, go see a doctor tomorrow and talk to him about this and see what you should be the first time to get better. He/she should know where to point you too first. Good luck.

tallcactus

Hi and welcome.
I totally understand.
No time like now to quit, you can do this.
Keep busy and get that homework done.
"One day at a time," is all that it takes. Focus on now and what you need to do, do not think about tomorrow, think about that when that day arrives.
Stock up on fluids and vitamins and make sure to eat.
If it gets ready bad then go to the ER.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Rooting for you.

CarolD

Yes...seeing your doctor is a wise move...
De toxing alone is so darn risky...you are lucky you did not die.

Please check out this link for info..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Welcome back to SR.....

Dee74

I'm going to add my vote for seeing a Dr Bella.
It's time to really do something...but it's time to start taking good care of yourself too.

Welcome back

D

BellaTeal

Thanks everyone. I actually don't feel too bad right now. Just shaky and a bit anxious. I was even able to sleep for a few hours. I only get the real bad symptoms when I binge for days straight. I'm pretty sure I know when it's time to seek medical help and I promise to do so if things get worse.

I'm thinking of having a little chat with the resident director today and let her know I'm still struggling, but trying. Maybe mention that sometimes I get pretty serious withdrawal symptoms...I don't know. Gonna make an appointment with the counselor, who I've been ignoring for the past 2 weeks. Then I'll hunt down some AA meetings and go. And I'll continue to post here, too.

Oh, there's an NA meeting every Monday night in a church just around the block. Am I allowed to go to that? I know that many addicts go to AA meetings but can alcoholics go to NA meetings?

recoverywfaith

Takes courage and you are doing it by taking action and being proactive in your health (you are worth it). Pertaining to AA and/or NA, it is just a preference, both programs work from the 12 steps and replace aa or na in the step. When I first sobered up and was in treatment we went to both NA and AA and both were fine for me. But, I prefer AA as a recovering alkie and addict (my main drug of choice is alcohol). Thanks for sharing.

BellaTeal

I’m officially on day 2 now. I still feel ok physically; the cravings haven’t subsided at all though. Which, of course, isn’t surprising. Now, I don’t typically drink on a Monday night anyway but I usually drink heavily on Sunday nights and last night I only drank whatever little amount was left in the bottle. I feel like I’m going nuts.

So earlier today I set up an appointment with my counselor and talked to my RD. I told her I was struggling and was as truthful as I would allow myself to be. So I didn’t disclose everything but made it clear I’m having a difficult time. I asked her if I would get in trouble if I needed to go to the health center or the hospital if I get too sick and she said I would! It kinda ticked me off. So now, I risk getting thrown out of school if I end up in the hospital for withdrawal? Sounds to me like I’m better off drinking. To be fair she might not have fully realized what I meant when I said “sick”. I didn’t actually use the term “withdrawal”, but honestly, who goes to the doctor for just a typical hangover?

We also talked about triggers and I tried to explain to her that while things do trigger me a lot, nothing actually has to be going on for me to want a drink. She didn’t seem to get it. Still, she said she’d try to help me. I feel like I can’t be honest with her and tell her what’s going on in my head and how much I drink and what happens when I don’t because I fear I’ll get kicked out or something. I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone in the real world. It’s all very frustrating. She said me asking about what would happen if I go to the doctor was “very concerning”. How am I supposed to tell her the full extent of my condition after that?

But anyway, just rambling. I’m still here, still sober. I’ve been lurking around here all day and will probably be lurking around here all night.

ZZworldontheweb

Yeah, if you're only able to go a couple of days, you're not really giving yourself time to get past the withdrawal symptoms. They can be very frightening. We feel like our bodies "need" alcohol, but really we're just drinking to suppress the withdrawal symptoms. It will never get any easier. Your doctor can help.

cabledude

I wasn't tough enough to stand not drinking for more than a few weeks or months at a time.

As you mentioned, going to an occasional AA meeting or even a lot of them is a waste of time. As if sitting next to someone who has done some stuff to recover is going to help in the least.

I was forced by my failures to stand reality to do the stuff they did, and that's worked since '82. Have to recommend it as an option if you can't work this out on your own.

BellaTeal

ZZ: Well I sure hope I can make it longer than just a couple of days.

Cabledude: What I noticed about AA is that it’s not going to work if only part of you wants to stop. When I went, though, I felt a sense of belonging and everyone was nice so I didn’t mind wasting my time there. I figured I wasn't gonna use that hour for anything productive anyway.

cabledude

Nah, go to a movie instead. If it's decent you'll have more fun and it means the same as only sitting in an AA meeting regarding whether or not you'll stay sober.

If you should ever want to do actually do the things the sober people do to not drink the rest of their lives, that's another matter entirely. Then I could recommend AA to you.

Otherwise 'The Green Hornet' is kind of fun. Won't help at all with the liver thing, though.

If you do go to an AA meeting sometime in the future, show up 15 minutes early and let the sober women know you're new and that you don't want to drink again. They'll take it from there. You can actually tell them the truth about your condition, because unlike your doc they've been where you're at.