Really need your opinion
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Does it matter if he's sober? Sounds like an abusive ******* that your children wouldn't benefit from having a relationship with. Let go.. take care of those babies, and yourself. You can petition the courts for support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alexandria,MN
Posts: 3
Wow
Alot of posts and looks like majority is to dump him. Well just one thing that I was told to me when I was on my death bed with 11% chance to live, remember your boys will always need a father and or ask about me and we would rather you tell them. I had both my ex-wives at bedside along with my boys.Abandoment is an easy answer for now but only a band aid, same with being sober it does not get easier the game never ends because this illness is unforgiving so tell him to stop and put himself around positive people which like it or not it is going to be you too..
Alot of posts and looks like majority is to dump him. Well just one thing that I was told to me when I was on my death bed with 11% chance to live, remember your boys will always need a father and or ask about me and we would rather you tell them. I had both my ex-wives at bedside along with my boys.Abandoment is an easy answer for now but only a band aid, same with being sober it does not get easier the game never ends because this illness is unforgiving so tell him to stop and put himself around positive people which like it or not it is going to be you too..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northfield NJ
Posts: 31
Your time is so appreciated
You are all so nice--I want what you all possess for my AH. Truly appreciate the time you spent answering my questions and listening to my pathetic story.
Okay I am Day 1 with no contact with my Husband. It needs to be that way, because he is really angry and verbally abusive. He even called me a stupid c**t. All I asked him to do was take some responsibility for what is going on at home. Since I believed for the last 3 mos that he was sober and attending meetings had a sponsor, wanted to go to our church counselor for addtl support, (he was going to call and make that appt himself), I had asked him to just come back and help out with watching these little ones while I went to work to make $ (I do one 12 hour OT shift per week every week) in addition to my 3 12's, and I provide health benefits for all of us. Thank God for this great career that I love. If not, Some financial support to pay a sitter, phone support for the two little girls 7 & 5 who miss daddy, geez something.
He said he would not come up here and live like roommates to take care of these kids and "be my little b**ch." Yet he is the one using the health insurance to run to the ER for some Ativan to detox painlessly more times than I can count, or to get anti-depressants at the drs office and last but not least those expensive rehab stays. He just really feels that I have caused all of his problems and I have been mean to him for 10 years-he won't even really be specific as to what he is referring to. He has been drinking for seven years (took me two yrs to figure that out-duh) and has been behaving badly ever since the addictions started again. Disappearing for days at a time. Checks into a motel room and drinks and uses porn. Walking out on me right before my hospital shift is supposed to start so that I have noone to leave the babies with. I could go on and on. I am taking your collective advice and gong NO CONTACT.
Not like we have anything to talk about anyway--doing it all myself without him. He has been very verbally abusive ever since he left here. I would not stand for that obscene language in front of these innocent kids ever. This language from him is kind of a new wrinkle. It is way better that he is gone---but it's so hard. I know he loves all of us and that he wants to be with his family, but I KNOW by his actions that he wants to continue drinking more. I agree with all of you that he is probably still drinking. I ever suspect that--I just heard it in his voice when we talked at night on the phone last week and this week I needed to discuss with him some legal issues re the business and asked him to call me after the kids were in bed, and two nights in a row he didn't. I text him to find out why--he answers right away, but is not looking to communicate verbally. I told him my suspicions about this last week when he sounded slurred and all he said is "you can't be serious" The fact that he is now avoiding verbal contact in the evening when mommy and daddy are in bed speaks volumes. He has laearned over the years that how to hide his drinking. It won't last because his self control won't hold out. He will need to drink all day long soon--just like when he was here.
So at what point do I speak to him again? Not sharing custody-not getting support-What should I be SEEING that I do not see now that indicates embracing sobriety. What actions/behaviors?
Twelve Steps--You are too funny--but you are so right!
Joe Dris-Thanks for your opinion--I have such low self esteem at this point that he can make me believe just about anything. I am working on my Masters in Nursing--consider myself booksmart--Streetsmart? NOT SO MUCH. For some reason AH could tell me anything I want so much to believe that I fall for it often. But am getting way smarter finally.
Mark75--I am feeling you--I am letting go. You are so kind. I have 0 self respect left from all of this and for the life of me I cant figure out why. I guess I am embarassed to admit to allowing myself to be placed in this position in the first place. I should have never allowed at least half of this to get this far. How can someone with a decent education who is in charge of 14 RNS 8 techs on 72 bed critical care unit make so many BAD decisions and be tricked so easily? What the hell?? Anyway you are awesome. Thank YOU! When should I allow contact--Please Tell me what you think!
Giter don--Wow what a crazy story--at least you didn't marry the lady--You have one up on me!!!
Danae--Thank You --You absolutely havenot been too harsh. I appreciate your insight and agree with you 100%. Babies are protected from that chaos.Finally. Before I threw him out, the police were bringig him home once every couple of weeks! My poor little 7 year old dtr is petrified of the police. She thinks that they are the bad guys picking on her daddy. Craziness in our house is arrested at this point. It's only going on in my brain (lol). Thanks again. Please be honest with me. It is what I need.
Love You guys--You are the best!
Okay I am Day 1 with no contact with my Husband. It needs to be that way, because he is really angry and verbally abusive. He even called me a stupid c**t. All I asked him to do was take some responsibility for what is going on at home. Since I believed for the last 3 mos that he was sober and attending meetings had a sponsor, wanted to go to our church counselor for addtl support, (he was going to call and make that appt himself), I had asked him to just come back and help out with watching these little ones while I went to work to make $ (I do one 12 hour OT shift per week every week) in addition to my 3 12's, and I provide health benefits for all of us. Thank God for this great career that I love. If not, Some financial support to pay a sitter, phone support for the two little girls 7 & 5 who miss daddy, geez something.
He said he would not come up here and live like roommates to take care of these kids and "be my little b**ch." Yet he is the one using the health insurance to run to the ER for some Ativan to detox painlessly more times than I can count, or to get anti-depressants at the drs office and last but not least those expensive rehab stays. He just really feels that I have caused all of his problems and I have been mean to him for 10 years-he won't even really be specific as to what he is referring to. He has been drinking for seven years (took me two yrs to figure that out-duh) and has been behaving badly ever since the addictions started again. Disappearing for days at a time. Checks into a motel room and drinks and uses porn. Walking out on me right before my hospital shift is supposed to start so that I have noone to leave the babies with. I could go on and on. I am taking your collective advice and gong NO CONTACT.
Not like we have anything to talk about anyway--doing it all myself without him. He has been very verbally abusive ever since he left here. I would not stand for that obscene language in front of these innocent kids ever. This language from him is kind of a new wrinkle. It is way better that he is gone---but it's so hard. I know he loves all of us and that he wants to be with his family, but I KNOW by his actions that he wants to continue drinking more. I agree with all of you that he is probably still drinking. I ever suspect that--I just heard it in his voice when we talked at night on the phone last week and this week I needed to discuss with him some legal issues re the business and asked him to call me after the kids were in bed, and two nights in a row he didn't. I text him to find out why--he answers right away, but is not looking to communicate verbally. I told him my suspicions about this last week when he sounded slurred and all he said is "you can't be serious" The fact that he is now avoiding verbal contact in the evening when mommy and daddy are in bed speaks volumes. He has laearned over the years that how to hide his drinking. It won't last because his self control won't hold out. He will need to drink all day long soon--just like when he was here.
So at what point do I speak to him again? Not sharing custody-not getting support-What should I be SEEING that I do not see now that indicates embracing sobriety. What actions/behaviors?
Twelve Steps--You are too funny--but you are so right!
Joe Dris-Thanks for your opinion--I have such low self esteem at this point that he can make me believe just about anything. I am working on my Masters in Nursing--consider myself booksmart--Streetsmart? NOT SO MUCH. For some reason AH could tell me anything I want so much to believe that I fall for it often. But am getting way smarter finally.
Mark75--I am feeling you--I am letting go. You are so kind. I have 0 self respect left from all of this and for the life of me I cant figure out why. I guess I am embarassed to admit to allowing myself to be placed in this position in the first place. I should have never allowed at least half of this to get this far. How can someone with a decent education who is in charge of 14 RNS 8 techs on 72 bed critical care unit make so many BAD decisions and be tricked so easily? What the hell?? Anyway you are awesome. Thank YOU! When should I allow contact--Please Tell me what you think!
Giter don--Wow what a crazy story--at least you didn't marry the lady--You have one up on me!!!
Danae--Thank You --You absolutely havenot been too harsh. I appreciate your insight and agree with you 100%. Babies are protected from that chaos.Finally. Before I threw him out, the police were bringig him home once every couple of weeks! My poor little 7 year old dtr is petrified of the police. She thinks that they are the bad guys picking on her daddy. Craziness in our house is arrested at this point. It's only going on in my brain (lol). Thanks again. Please be honest with me. It is what I need.
Love You guys--You are the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Hailee, what you should be hearing in order to get a sense that he is working on sobriety is whatever is opposite to persitent resentment. I'm not all-seeing, but the reason I suspected he was not really working on a program is the way he would rope you into responsiblity for the way he feels every other paragraph. Resentment and looking for ownership of blame somewhere else are great vehicles for alcoholism. And if they are blatantly present in the way someone speaks, it could be that the person has not even been sober.
When you take a look at some of the Newcomer posts, you can see how a lot of people talk about being free from the attachment to the alcohol, yes; but you also see a lot of freedom from rotten emotions like resentment and other rotten ways of thinking.
When you see somebody starting to make a big deal out of something like tying their shoelaces without throwing the shoes at the wall and blaming somebody else and looking for the next excuse to escape from reality, and instead loving the fact that they can tie their shoelaces and appreciate it again, that is someone who is starting to get recovered. (Obviously the shoelaces is just an example of something mundane that wouldn't sound like a big deal to someone who is not sick through alcoholism. Substitute that for examples that come to mind from posts here, like getting control of their spending again, being able to enjoy food, waking up and not feeling like they wasted the day before, being jazzed up naturally about any number of things.) There's usually an appreciation and humility that come about in a person who is getting away from drinking.
It might be that you are allowing yourself to be responsible for his behavior, even though you are not accepting of it. I think it will be good to hash this stuff out from the Friends OF section as well as these ones. In fact, there might be something you can gain from Al Anon. Part of me kind of doesn't agree with the idea of non-alcoholics having to feel like they have to do "homework" (as though they were the problem), but at the same time I think there is a lot to be discovered about how people can change the way they interact with behavior in alcoholics. I think I am seeing a sign that you are hanging on to these problems, when...it just may be that you have to leave him be. But that's not something I want to suggest, I would rather you work through the issues and come to your own conclusions.
When you take a look at some of the Newcomer posts, you can see how a lot of people talk about being free from the attachment to the alcohol, yes; but you also see a lot of freedom from rotten emotions like resentment and other rotten ways of thinking.
When you see somebody starting to make a big deal out of something like tying their shoelaces without throwing the shoes at the wall and blaming somebody else and looking for the next excuse to escape from reality, and instead loving the fact that they can tie their shoelaces and appreciate it again, that is someone who is starting to get recovered. (Obviously the shoelaces is just an example of something mundane that wouldn't sound like a big deal to someone who is not sick through alcoholism. Substitute that for examples that come to mind from posts here, like getting control of their spending again, being able to enjoy food, waking up and not feeling like they wasted the day before, being jazzed up naturally about any number of things.) There's usually an appreciation and humility that come about in a person who is getting away from drinking.
It might be that you are allowing yourself to be responsible for his behavior, even though you are not accepting of it. I think it will be good to hash this stuff out from the Friends OF section as well as these ones. In fact, there might be something you can gain from Al Anon. Part of me kind of doesn't agree with the idea of non-alcoholics having to feel like they have to do "homework" (as though they were the problem), but at the same time I think there is a lot to be discovered about how people can change the way they interact with behavior in alcoholics. I think I am seeing a sign that you are hanging on to these problems, when...it just may be that you have to leave him be. But that's not something I want to suggest, I would rather you work through the issues and come to your own conclusions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I told my wife a year ago when I was in "stay sober" mode, before I quit for good, "If you ever have a silly notion that I might be drinking, to the point where you have to ask me "have you been drinking?" You don't ever have to ask, because first off I have been drinking, and secondly I will lie to your face about it.
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