pinkfirefly

hey. I'm 2 days sober again. and i've been having such a hard time. been severely depressed. i swear my depression is getting worse. last night, it was so horrible. and i couldn't even pin point a reason why. my husband wouldn't even help me or comfort me. i also was feeling very ill. he made me take care of our kids alone, and he wouldn't even say anything nice to try to make me feel better. he was being such a jerk. all i wanted was for him to hold me and comfort me and tell me that every thing would be ok. but he didn't. i even told him that's what i needed but he didn't care. he told me that i was being irrational and to just get over it. i was crying for hours while i watched kids. i know i shouldn't do that in front of them. but i couldn't help it. i was just so severely depressed. i literally almost committed suicide. i felt that low. i just wanted to die. i just wanted any thing to take the pain away. but i wouldn't touch the alcohol. i wanted it so bad, but i was fighting it. i took a couple of my anxiety meds, but that didn't help. i slept, and felt a lot better this morning. but i'm so scared. my moods are all over the place.i don't know when they are going to strike, and i'm scared of it, cuz i can't control my feelings. i hate it. i don't know what to do. i don't want to die i don't think, i just want this pain to subside. i want to be happy.

Lenina

(((pinkfirefly)))

Please see your doctor. I worry that you have some post partum depression that's complicating your alcoholism. Do you think it could be arranged for you to go into the hospital to get some real help? Could your mother in law look after the children while you are getting the help you need to be the best mom?

Alcohol is a powerful depressant. I'm sure it's contributing to your bad feelings. Please see about going inpatient so you can have the time to heal.

Love,

Lenina

least

Early sobriety, especially very early sobriety, is an up and down thing. Moods all over the map and emotions feel like they have sharp edges, like broken glass. It will get better tho, if you just stay sober. If you are still feeling really depressed and anxious after a few weeks sober, please see your doctor or counselor as you may have mental health issues making you feel so badly.

I have been on antidepressants for many years but they didn't work as they should while I was drinking a depressant (duh!). Now that I'm sober my meds work right and the depression and anxiety are manageable and not nearly so bad.

I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive or kind to you. Makes it hard, doesn't it? But you must love yourself, no matter what he thinks or says or does. I know it's hard, but try writing down at least one good thing about yourself each day and go with that. Give thanks that your kids are healthy. Give thanks that nothing horrible has happened to you. Count your blessings, tiny as they may feel right now. I can think of something good right now: you didn't give in and drink! I think Lenina may be right, you may be having postpartum depression and seeing your doctor asap would be a good idea. Please call for an appointment right away.

I know you can do this cause I thought I was hopeless and I finally 'got it'. We're all in your corner, cheering you on. Do this for yourself. You matter. You're worth the effort. Be good to yourself and whatever happens, don't drink!

bubblehead

I don't know what you have been going through lately pink as I have not been here. I know you gave birth in the last few months.I did not drink when I had my children but I was still a basket case, particularly after the 2nd child with pospartum depression (severe enough that it was one of the factors my deciding not to have the third chid). That in and of itself can cause whatyou are describing if it is severe enough. nytime you feel suicidal, you need medical attention right away. It may be drinking but it may also be something else. Get help.
*Edited* I forgot to say that if you are using anxiety meds you need to bring the suicidal thoughts up to your doctor as well regarding your medications. There is a rash of doctors prescribing SSRI antidepressants for anxiety. If in doubt, look it up to see if its an SSRI. The FDA has actually issued a blackox warning on SSRIs because of the number of suicides connected to them. Examples are Lexapro, Celexa, Paxil, wellbutrin, prozac, but not limited to tha. Look yours up and and talk to your doctor about the side effects.

Dee74

Some good advice here PFF.
Please see a Dr - get some help.

D

pinkfirefly

I just feel like no one around me cares about me. my husband has given up on me i think. he can't handle my moods. can't say i blame him. but to me my feelings are real. i can't explain exactly why i'm depressed cuz i don't know. all i know is that my feelings are so over whelming and bad that i just don't know how to cope with it. i feel so much pain in my heart. i just want it to go away. that's why i always drank in the past, to numb the pain in my heart. but now that i'm trying not to drink and can't, what am i suppose to do to feel better. i guess get back on meds. but i'm not sure i have much faith in their ability to really help. but i'll try. i just want to know that someone loves me and cares. that's all i want. i don't have a high enough self esteem to just take comfort in loving myself. cuz i can't honestly say that this point in my life i love myself. my self and I have never been a happy pair. i dunno.

Lenina

(((pink)))

I really do think going inpatient might be the best option for you at this time. It will give you some space in a supportive environment while you get the treatment you need. Please, don't let this depression continue to get worse. You don't have to suffer like this.

There's no shame in getting help. I don't think I could have gotten well without going into rehab. It gave me a safe place to learn about and understand my disease of addiction. It gave my body a chance to heal by getting some good meals and time for the meds to work.

Love,

Lenina

ANEWAUGUST

(((HUGS))))

I know that feeling of wanting my husband to comfort me, and make me feel safe when my feelings were scattered everywhere.

Alcohol is a depressant. You have only been sober two days. It has taken me a very long time working a program of recovery to get thru the emotional roller coaster of early sobriety.

Please call your doctor, tell them HONESTLY everything you are experiencing right now. Tell them how long it has been from your last drink, etc.

Please love yourself enough to take care of yourself, so, that you can be the mother your children deserve.

Fandy

If you could tell your doctor or mental health specialist what you are telling us, they might be able to better grasp what you are feeling....go ahead and print it out.

we can't DX you and we are just trying to point you in the right direction towards some professional help...congrats on your 2 days and keep going. you can SEE that drinking is not beneficial to your health both physical and mental. i'm glad you slept well and felt better this am....you need to try to explain to someone FTF what is going on.

keithj

Pink,

Is it possible that trying to diagnose underlying mental health issues is difficult with acute alcohol withdrawal going on? Is it possible that these symptoms are just untreated alcoholism? Take a look at how many times the words 'I' and 'me' come up in your first post.

You hit on the problem. Nothing to treat the 'ism' today. Life sucks and it's all too much and I'd rather be drunk.

But you already decided that you couldn't keep being drunk. That wasn't livable either. Now this idea of unmanageable can start to make some sense.

All it comes down to now is the willingness.

Soberween

Pink: Sounds like you might be going through post partum psychosis. I had a good friend that went through it and it is debiliating. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Please see a doctor. Also, tell your husband that people who kick someone when they are down suck!!!

bellakeller

Sweetie, this just gets worse if left untreated. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. I thought my depression was a character defect for the longest time and thought I could "suck it up" on my own and it would get better. It got so much worse, I almost died and it was a shame because all I really needed was to get on the right meds with the help of a doctor. That's all. It's really simple - this part is treatable. What you have is treatable with the help of a doctor.

Much love.

BullDog777

i know how you feel. my wife gave up on me years before i stopped drinking. she was flat out disgusted with me and had no sympathy at all. she wasn't going to kick me out, (she probably should have)but she hated my ass for years before i got sober.

i don't blame her. i was a selfish, vile, hopeless ass.

in my experience...as soon as my spouse figured out that it was possible to get sober she expected me to work out the details on my own...it's not her job to be my sponsor...nor should she be. there wasn't alot of sympathy to be thrown at me because she new there was another way and i insisted on doing the same stupid s#it over and over.


i don't think i experienced alot of depression when i was detoxing. I was way too focused on the war at hand and what i had to do to save my family and marriage.

Pink, i think you need to see a doctor. i think your hormones are probably really messed up from having a baby, and that coupled with detoxing is probably making this twice as bad as it should.


do yourself a favor and just make an appointment. they will be able to help and maybe this won't have to be such a scary and depressing prospect.

julez

Pink, you have gotten some great advice here. The fact that all of us here keep responding to your posts proves that we haven't given up on you, that you are part of our recovery family, and that we truly care for you. If WE are all you have, then you need to LISTEN TO OUR ADVICE! We WOULD NOT steer you wrong!
At this point, your husband and your kids have nothing to do with it. You say your husband won't help you with the kids? Well, if you aren't there, he will have to. And when I say "if you aren't there" I mean because you've killed yourself, or if you are in an inpatient treatment center. The kids and your husband aren't benefitting from you the way you are now. YOU CAN GET BETTER! Its long past the time for you to put on your big girl panties and do it! You clearly cannot do this alone, and we can't be there physically with you. If you love yourself even a little, and if you want a better future for your children, you will take action. ITS TIME PINK!!!!

Fandy

ya know, we can talk and advise and point out all the reasons until we are blue in the face, but we can't do it for you....we are the words, but you are the only one who can change YOU.

in a sense, you DO have to suck it up...because you have to change what yo uare doing to get better....your doctor doesn't KNOW that the meds might be wrong if you don't say it.....i'm sure your husband feels frustrated that you are not strong enough, but maybe he needs to hear about your illness from a professional who is treating you.

if you don't get your act together and seek help, you will keep up this vicious cycle for no good reason...why be miserable when you can feel GOOD???

of course detoxing and hormones could be playing a role and your past behavior and heavy drinking may have hit your husband very hard too.

it's up to you to make a change, not me.....you get a LOT of attention here and ignore a lot of good advice...then step back, disa ppear andyou repeat and repeat and will continue to do so until you make a decision.

I kindly say to you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions, sick people seek real help to get well.

ReadyAndAble

Keep posting, Pink. We're always here to listen. But like Fandy and the rest said, you need to take action. Not us, not your husband, just you. Please get professional help. You'll find plenty of support online, but that's all you'll find, and you need more than just support.

pinkfirefly

thanks every one

MrDavid

Congrats… pinkfirefly on being two days sober.

My sober friends remind me daily, that "more will be revealed in time"; as long as I remain in the process of recovering, from whatever ails me that is. Alcohol Never took away the pain, neither did the thoughts of suicide; However, what did become apparently clear -as the prospect of living a clean and sober life became more of a reality, not just an afterthought- and that is this; Life... has meaning and a purpose filled life reveals so much more.

When I renewed my sense of purpose and refocused all my energies on remaining true to myself and not so much to others, I began rewriting the script to what has become the eye opening yet purposed filled life I am experiencing now. Seek out help from whatever avenue possible -professional or not- and start rewriting the script; enjoying each God given moment, safe, sober and in the loving arms of those who do care, especially your children.

~God Bless~


"Sometimes...you find your destiny on the road you took to avoid it"
Excerpt from the movie "The International"

Danae

Hi Pink,

Glad you are still posting and listening, even if you haven't taken all the actions some of us would like to see. I hope we are beginning to get through to you.

My firsthand experience is that I couldn't bootstrap myself out of depression---I needed outside help. While you are depressed, by definition life looks bleak and hopeless and you don't see how to move forward. Even with a sympathetic spouse it can be scary and lonely. (for the record, I didn't have a sympathetic spouse) For me meds helped a lot, but as others have said, they don't work as well (or at all) if you have been drinking.

Please get help. Tell the doctor exactly what has been going on with alcohol, meds (not taken or not working) and your thoughts and how desperate you are. Be forceful and don't minimize. You deserve attention and treatment. Please please ask for it. You are worth it, but do it soon.



D

TwelveSteps

Congratulations on not using this as an excuse to pick up a drink. You can do it. You ARE doing it.

GG