Stevie1

I joined this forum back in November, during a well-intentioned but as it turned out, brief, attempt at sobriety (yet again....). Shortly after Thanksgiving I started drinking again and have been drinking aggressively and to blackout daily. Incredibly and stupidly, I'd started driving drunk again, or keeping booze in the truck so I could start drinking on the way home. I've been failing everyone in my life, isolating - have had two friends send local police to my house on "wellness" checks. The cop who showed up Saturday afternoon was very kind. I was drunk and morose and weepy, he suggested I get help.

I kept drinking until I passed out sometime after midnight. The only reason I know the time is because I checked my email "sent" folder to see what sort of gibberish I'd spewed out.

Sunday (yesterday) morning I finally called the local AA help number I've been meaning to call for months. I went to my first meeting at 2:30 pm yesterday. I got there 30 minutes early and sat in my truck, shaking and chain smoking, debating whether to go in or just got home and start the day's drinking. I went in.

It was a small group, about a dozen people. I cannot stress how nice everyone was. It was a study group (sorry don't know the terminology yet) and everyone there shared experiences and spoke directly to me. I felt so...unworthy of the attention. I got phone numbers, hugs, someone gave me an older Big Book that she had spare. I felt very shaky and sick but somehow so welcome. An incredible relief. These people understood. None were newcomers to the program. I've been hiding my drinking (poorly) for so long...and I didn't have to hide at that meeting. I was invited to share or speak, but didn't because I would have just cried.

I want what they have achieved, or are in the progress of achieving. I've done almost 30 years of counseling, meds (I'm dx bipolar) and repeated attempts at being a "dry drunk" on my own. Truthfully, I wouldn't know spirituality or a Higher Power if it bit me on the ass in broad daylight, but maybe if I really work at this I'll find out? Sure as scxhit nothing else has worked...I'm almost 53 and am afraid. Being a cynical agnostic hasn't worked out so well, so far.

Maybe this sounds too gung-ho....truthfully I am terrified of failing, yet again. But I felt something shift inside me yesterday...something breaking apart, something, I don't know...but I feel ready. I couldn't sleep well last night so have been reading snatches of the BB. I've also been reading through the AA discussions here on SR. Thanks to all who contribute...I am getting some understanding of what's involved and how much real work doing the steps is.

I was given a little silver coin for 24 hours (?) so I felt I had to honor that. I went home and stabbed the box of wine I had, let it all run down the drain. The smell made me feel ill. I also really, really wanted to tip the box back up and drink the rest of it. Then drive to the liquor store (I rotate them so I'm not looking like the drunk woman who shows up every day to buy beer, wine or vodka) to buy more. Insane.

Day two, no alcohol. I feel sick and shaky and shivery and achey but I am working today. If I wasn't, I'd be hitting a morning meeting. I am going to one tonight and looking forward to it. There are meetings practically every hour of the day around here. Today is all we have, so one day at a time, right?

CarolD

I;m so pleased you are open and willing to begin AA

About de toxing...this has info...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Welcome back to SR.....

Kayak

good for you great idea to go to early meeting. im on day 3 and getting ready to go to 5th meeting. i was already asked if im over doing it. two metting a day. i can't remember the last time i only had two DRINKS a day . im 55 and your right it ain't eazy.
can't wait to read more about your journey.

kayak karl

Stevie1

Thanks Carol. I read through that this morning...scary stuff!

Not so bad for me because I don't drink around the clock...I do stay sober for work. And even on days I'm not working, I have a "never before noon" rule which of course is pretty stupid.

I just feel like I have a really bad hangover right now despite not drinking a drop yesterday...and I'm certainly used to going to work hungover.

Kayak - the man who chaired last night's meeting said when he first quit he was doing as many as 5 meetings a day. I say, whatever it takes...stay strong my friend!

mtnmagic

Welcome Stevie! I could so identify with your post.
I am about 24 hours ahead of you and exactly feeling
the same way. I have been here at SR almost around
the clock for the last couple of days (except when I
have forced myself to go to work) the same shaky mess
you described.

Difference is I joined this forum in 2006 and there
have been many failures along my way. I have
done AA before and even put 12 years sober
together. I have stupidly let pride get in the
way of going back. It is a wonderful program
of recovery. After reading your post just now,
I'm going back. I hope you stick with it.

I look forward to getting to know you. I am
a 54 year old woman who so relates to what
you just expressed and understands exactly
how you feel right this moment. Bless you
for having the courage to post.

Stick around. SR has tons of wonderful people
to help you on your journey (and mine too).
They will be around to welcome you shortly.

Stevie1

((mtnmagic)) I hope you do. I also have almost ten years of being sober (well, almost...a couple of minor slips along the way) and I was SO proud of myself for that. And so ashamed of going back to heavy drinking.

Thank you. You are extremely courageous to keep on trying, I think!

Now I have to go to work, I will come back on later.

LexieCat

Yay, Stevie!

Keep comin' back, it really DOES work!

TheEnd

Keep the Faith, you can do it...............

TwelveSteps

Great job. Plenty of my friends in AA went to two or more meetings a day at the very beginning, so don't feel funny about it!

GG

Stevie1

I would go to two meetings a day at this point if I could, Kayak...I could see doing a morning one and an evening one, for sure. If I wasn't working during the day this week (and could see going to the 6:30 am meetings I see on the schedule.)

Dee74

Welcome back Stevie

D

least

So glad you called that number and went to that meeting. Lots of helpful people there, as you found out. They want nothing more than to help you learn how to live a sober and happy life.

I've been trying to stay sober for over three years and now have over a year so you can see I didn't 'get it' right away. And to top it all off, I had over twenty years sober and went back out again, not looking where I was going, and stepped right into that steel jawed leghold trap. But it doesn't matter cause I'm sober now and loving it. I wish you success in your recovery. You CAN do this and it's so worth the effort.

MsCooterBrown

Welcome back..It really does help if you can think of sobriety as an enhancement..not a deprivement. I focus on all the really bad hangovers. Started with the black outs..(not good) and waking up either not knowing how I got home..or wondering where the heck I was at. Crazy. I put myself thru hell and finally got sick of myself. I wish you well! I am finally feeling a calm I have never known. The anxiety I thought I was experiencing was all alcohol induced. Mornings are the BEST!!! You can do this!

overcomer32

Wow, Stevie. THANKS SO MUCH for posting! Ur post has helped me.....


I am also stuggling with on and off drinking.... plans to attend AA... and then not going....

I am SO FOR YOU. I think everybody else on here is as well.


Good job on 2 days sober!!

FrothyJay

Good luck, Stevie. It helped me to understand that insanity is at the root of my alcoholism. I am unable to think my way out of this problem. The harder I tried to stop drinking the worse it got-- until I started the work of finding a power greater than me that could relieve me of my alcoholic insanity.

cabledude

Thanks for posting this, it has the ring of someone who is open and willing to try something new and different, which I'm sorry to say is pretty rare among newcomers. You stabbed the bag...LOL

Best thing I've read on here in days. Hang in there and call before you drink.

Stevie1

Thanks all! You're the best.

Didn't go to a meeting yesterday (did Monday night though) because I came home from work so exhausted and sick-feeling I sat in my truck in the driveway and could have fallen asleep right there. Maybe a "detox" thing...either physically or mentally... I fed my dogs, took a shower, then didn't have energy to get dressed...lay down on the couch in my robe and barely moved for 11 hours, couldn't sleep properly so alternately dozed and read the Big Book from about 7 pm until my alarm going off at 6 am.

Have tonight's meeting planned. Tomorrow I'm only working for a couple of hours so I have a wide choice of meetings (two, so I can keep the 90 in 90 thing going!) Friday night meeting at the Tuesday place, potluck with speaker, know where I'm going Saturday, Sunday back to the place my first meeting was at. I get that immersion and committment is a big part of the program. I'm going to try a women's meeting tomorrow...still unclear about how one goes about finding a sponsor but I guess as I keep going and meeting people and listening that will come.

I always resisted the idea of AA for many of the usual reasons...I have to say, the BB is very worth reading, probably even for alcoholics who don't really think they can ever do AA. It's interesting. And I'm having a lot of "aha" moments reading it. Even though my naturally argumentative nature keeps wanting to nit-pick and find disagreements with some of what I read, am trying to stay open. After all it was written by and about people who have managed to do what I haven't, in over 30 years of drinking (and in the past, using), so it's pretty arrogant of me to look for fault!

Morning of day four, no urge to drink at all so far. The thought makes me feel ill. The black outs were getting scary.

((group hug))

mtnmagic

Congrat's Stevie - I'm not feeling so hot kind of in waves too.
Morning of day 5 for me. I'll be thinking about you today.
One more day at a time sober.

bellakeller

Hope it's not the flu, y'all.

MrDavid

Hi Stevie1…Welcome

I love AA…Why you may ask? The answer is as obvious as it is sobering; this Seemingly hopeless alcoholic, through his admission of powerlessness, was -for The first time in several years- given a chance to experience a sober life, one day at a time.

This fellowship painted a picture for me, in which there would be no possibility to live a sober life outside the care and direction of another alcoholic. Simple Suggestions of honesty and of helping others are taking on a new meaning and this fellowship is a comfortable reassurance that whatever I experience in sobriety-Good, bad or indifferent- the hand of AA will always be there for me; I am not alone as I once was.

Today, I share my joys and sorrows with others and the importance of unity and spiritual renewal through working the 12 steps. As the pains of my past fade away -and has for some time now- a new reason for living has emerged; one on which a meaningful life has been built. As The thought of the next drink fades from my psyche and the prospect of a better life always on the horizon, I feel renewed every day with the joys of sobriety; giving back what has been graciously been given to me, as often as I can. We hope you remain close and pray for your safety and well being; as we continue to Inspire each other and the newcomer to remain in the moment, sober minded and vigilant; dedicating our resources to help the still suffering alcoholic achieve sobriety, "One Day at a Time".
-God Bless-



Todays a gift, Tommorrow is a mystery and The Future is uncertain... So Enjoy Today.