Sometimes I strongly dislike my husband
 

I have a lot of wreckage in my past and somehow he has stood by me, which I am very grateful for. (I am just over 2 weeks sober)

I realize just like the BB said about the tornado and the man saying "looks like the storm is over, ain't life grand".

But this is really hard. He is reliving everything I did or said and when I get emotional about it or cry his response is "multiply that times ten and you will know how I feel".

He also very short tempered and yells at me all the time over little stuff. I am really trying to work my program myself and with my sponsor. I feel like this is my last shot- for many reasons, but the main one is that God has given me an opportunity to live- and to live right according to Him.

When I share stuff with about AA and how I feel that this time I feel the light bulb has gone off, he sort of dismisses me. Then he gets mad and says I am not telling him how I am truly feeling. The truth is, I don't know how I am feeling. I am just taking it one step at a time, getting on my knees and praying.

I think if I work the steps I can rediscover my true self. Or maybe a better self that tries to do God's will and strives to help others.

I am so confused and pissed of at the same time. :gaah

Hi Bananagirrl

The process of the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous
produces change change and then more change
in a very real, very permanent

and for a codependent-

very terrifying way.

Is your husband doing anything for his recovery?

It's got to be tough going if he's trying to
'man it out' without any support or guidance.

I'd go easy on your sharing too much about your recovery PROCESS with him. He can't understand, any more than you can truly understand what he has been through. By the time most of us get sober, our partners have already had it up to here--for a long, long time.

I agree with the others that he might benefit from Al-Anon. You can suggest it, but don't nag--you might simply tell him that as much as you would like to understand exactly how he felt you admit you cannot, but there are others who can.

All you can really do is to work on your own recovery. You can't control his.

He refuses to go to Ala-non.

He also drinks nightly in our garage. I don't think he is an alcoholic, but he is definitely a heavy drinker.

Nothing I can say is right. I get ridiculed and blamed for my responses to his rants.

Right now, and I specify it to be in this moment, I cannot picture going through life like this. It has to get better or I will not be able to stand years of this.

I hear ya.

Look, it's only been two weeks. You don't have to decide the future of your marriage right this minute.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. There will be a lot of changes for you in the next several months. You will be different. And so will he--or not. Things will become clearer as you recover.

Heck, I can remember feeling the exact same way early on... don't worry... you won't have too :)

Barb was smack dab on point... It is scary as hell for the spouse... Try to see him as the frightened and, perhaps, somewhat sick human being he is... We all get a little (or a lot) sick in this whole alcoholism thing... Hard enough to deal with ourselves in early recovery, much less a spouse who may be scared, resentful, spiteful....

Also I agree with lexie... you really can't share the process of recovery with your spouse... it is meaningless to him.... and, really, how can you share anything meaningful with him right now anyway... you may say and mean something today and feel totally different about the same thing tomorrow...

Jeez, I remember some of the awful things my wife and I said to each other early on... and we were on really good terms when the bottom came up and hit me... shudder...

It's fine today... though the recovery thing has put a little distance between us for now... but I think that's on me, I am working on it.

:)

Reading The Family Afterward chapter in the Big Book may be helpful.

You might want to go up to him and give him a big hug, and thank him for staying by your side through it all, for putting up with your bad behavior. (I only say this as it was suggested to me.)

Then tell him you love him, and ask that he take it easy a little, as you really want to have a happy life with him together, and it seems that there is a distance between us....

He could be feeling a little bit left out...and lashing out, in his own way...

Try to get back on the same side...

It reads in the BB that we can involve them in our morning meditations, ...(family)...maybe there is some way to involve him in some way...that brings you two together...

Maybe you two can begin some sort of new venture together...start a tradition...movie night...something for just you two to do together...

We have to create what we desire, and so if it is going sour...we have to add some sugar. :)

I would accept the current situation (yes, I know it is a tough pill to swallow), don't create too many waves, and focus on your recovery.

Build yourself a good foundation in recovery, get a clear head, and then re-asses the situation in the future. The truth is, it has only been two weeks and it will take more time for both of you to go through the some sort of healing process. Allow a little more time and space.

I was in a serious relationship when I went into recovery. I was very impatient and self-centered. I didn't have patient and empathy and it made things considerably worse. I wanted to be forgiven now and I was selfish. I didn't even try to understand what I put her through. I minimized her feelings. I expected her to get over it and that was probably one of the worst things I could have done. I should have gave her time and understanding.....hindsight is always 20/20.

Bests,

I really wanted to tell my husband all about my feelings, and my meetings, and my feelings but..... he just didn't get it. He was happy for me, if i felt good, but he had nothing to offer back to me about my stories. I would get frustrated because it seemed like he would sit there with a polite smile, but deer in the headlights look.
I finally realized that I had to find people of MY OWN, who could relate to how I felt, and the process I was going through. He cares, but he just cant be my support through this.
I agree with the above post that suggested to not make waves, and work on yourself for now. I also agree with speaking with him in a very gentle and loving way, telling him that you are so sorry, and that you will work on never being that way again. Just eat a little crow to smooth things over for now. He will appreciate it, and maybe he will thaw out a little. Also, it won't make him feel defensive if you approach it right.
Now, that being said, if he continues this punishing behavior, then you must deal with it. But it has been only 2 weeks, so give it a little more time. I wish you all the best.

I'm going out to the garage to kick that man's arse cuz he is somehow married to you, but living here in Oregon with me!

Oh, my mistake, not the same guy, mine is an alcoholic.

I think the same thing about mine, he's gonna need to do some growing and changing of his own if he expects to hold the attention of a healthy, functional adult.

Big hugs!:yup:

You know, this reminds me how lucky I am to have an ex-husband with 31 years of sobriety, and not to be in a relationship myself.

I get to call someone who knows me VERY well, and who totally "gets" everything I say about AA, but I don't have to live with him!!

Talk about the best of all possible worlds, lol! :)

You're story pretty much mirrored what I went through in the beginning. One thing I stress is to try and make your recovery a personal journey that he may be able to view at a distance and reap the rewards of your new found life. No need express how you feel because he won't and can't understand what you are truly going through. The more you try to explain it to him, the more backlash you will get and the more disgruntled you will get at the situation.

He has no sympathy for you, nor did my partner in the beginning. That actually took sometime for them to develop, because as much as recovery is about you, they want to make it about them and disregard whatever you are going through because they want their feelings validated. You are not there to validate his feelings at this point, you can do that when you do your step work. If he wants his feelings validated, he can go to Al-Anon.

Work your program and give it time, be patient, and let your HP handle the rest.:c016:

Been through it myself and sympathize. We really did put our partners through hell though. In many ways i was responsible for my partner becoming bitter. Just as the illness affects those around us though, so does the solution. It just takes a little longer.
I recall complaining to an old timer about my partner and he said ' After the way you've behaved son, i'm not suprised, you're just gonna have to take it on the chin.'

I took a look at your profile. You became a member here about two weeks before I did, so I assume that means that if you didn't know, you at least suspected you had a problem then? So that's five and a half years ago, and you're now a little over two weeks sober. You also have a December 2009 sobriety date listed--so you've tried getting sober. How many times? What's the longest you've been able to remain sober? In other words, have you conditioned others--your husband included--to expect that attempts at sobriety are followed by yet more drinking?

When I got sober the last time, I knew something was different. I had quit drinking other times for anywhere from a couple of weeks to nearly two years (when I was pregnant and after, while nursing my babies). People around me who saw me sober one day expected I'd be drunk the next day, or the next month, but drunk, nonetheless, eventually. The people who didn't take my sobriety seriously were (I thought) being unfairly harsh. It didn't help me that they were throwing my past in my face. Didn't they see it could drive me back to the bottle?

But the thing is, I taught them how to treat me. I wanted a big pat on the back because I was serious this time, but telling them didn't make a difference. It's one of the reasons I was told not to rush into amends, that the steps are in order for a reason. Two weeks sober, even two months sober, nobody around me who witnessed my patterns were going to take me seriously! And I did some serious damage to relationships, in some cases, damage that couldn't be undone, so where I was expecting cheerleaders, unconditional support for my efforts, I found myself upset that those I hurt would dare remind me of my past behaviors and "threaten" my chance at sobriety.

I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband. What I do know is that the wreckage that took me twenty-five years to amass wasn't shoveled away in two weeks, and those I hurt really weren't open to hearing "I'm sorry" anymore, nor were they willing to accommodate any more of my "needs."

Work with the folks who've been where you are--and aren't there anymore. Find out how they did it, then do what they did. Getting on your knees and praying is a good thing. Getting up and putting one foot in front of the other, doing the work it takes to stay sober is another. Forget about proving yourself to him with words. Do it with actions.

This is all assuming he's not physically violent. If that's the case, please, get yourself somewhere safe. I trained a few men to believe I'd put up with that, too, and it's an area in which I'm not willing to be patient while they unlearn it.

If you keep your focus on the former, the anger will drain away, and with or without him, you'll be able to stay sober.

Good luck, bananagrrrl.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Bananagrrl...
So GOOD to see you back here.

You know, along my rocky road to some continuous sobriety, at different times, to say my marriage was on shakey ground would be an understatement.

I HAD to get some quality sober time under my belt. I also had to take the ACTIONS to get down to the causes and conditions, the root of my disease and WORK the steps. It is an ongoing journey to discover who I am without alcohol in my life. It was work on me and my sick self that had to take place before I could even think about where my marriage would ultimately end up.

My sponsor had some wonderful words of wisdom that I would like to share. My hubby is not an alcoholic, but, is a weekend warrior. For along time I focused on him, what was wrong with him, and how it was all affecting me.

She said, "Do your work, work the steps, be a living amends every day you are alive and at home as that is where most of the damage is done. Do all of those things, and leave your husband to God ( my higher power), turn it all over, and work on the only person you can change, you".

Just as I had to do with my alcoholism, I let go. I let go of him, and worked on me. The more I realized that I was truly the problem, I began to change. As I changed, my attitude changed. Slowly, my husbands attitude toward me has changed. Our marriage is a work in progress, and we are progressing along quite nicely.

Welcome back...

Many times in my early sobriety I thought about how much easier it would be if my husband wasn't around. He hated that I was growing and changing as a person, yet was not willing or interested in how this was happening.
He went to Al-Anon three times, but didn't like it, because he believed that he had been hurt by sobriety, not my alcoholism.

Eventually I stopped worrying about how my sobriety was affecting him and started focusing on myself and interacting with other alcoholics. As selfish as this sounds, I truly believe that without my sobriety I can never be a decent wife, daughther, friend, mother, etc.

Don't stress over what is going to happen in the future. Instead, take it one moment at a time. Things will work out the way they are suppossed to, trust in your Higher Power. All you need to do is the footwork, and that means working the best program you possibly can.

Welcome! Congrats on two weeks, you're doing great. For me, I to tried to tell my wife all of the progress I was / am making. She responded to my early talk with some reservation. After all I had tried AA and quitting too many times to count. I remember her reaction was upsetting.

What I did was talk less and do more. I reserved my recovery chats for meetings, friends in the program, my sister, and this site. With my wife I focused on my actions. Helping her without being asked. Making her dinner, helping more with the kids, basically getting out of myself and doing nice things for her without expectations. Now that I'm 50 days sober, she is coming to me with compliments regarding my progress. I have SHOWN her rather than TELLING her.

I'm certainly not perfect but my efforts have been so much greater with respect to my relationship than they were when I was active in my disease. Remember, more will be revealed. If you are doing the right things, focusing on your actions rather than your explanations, things will get better. When we get sober some relationships get better others don't. Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now. Whatever we put in front of our recovery we will lose anyway.

Best of luck to you!!!

gimme his number.
:tapping

bananagrrl,
I thought the same thing as barb.
your husband sees big change and feels left out.
he cannot understand what you are feeling.
just keep doing you.

Beth

Nope, sorry. He's MY ex, you can't have him! :)

okay, last one.

cmon now, i won't break him!
:rotfxko