Sometimes I strongly dislike my husband
I haven't read all the posts, so please forgive me if I'm repeating someone else. Having said that, my wife is untreated, too. The first few weeks were just plain chaos because my head was all over the place, and I put EVERYTHING behind my meetings and my recovery. I acted out alot in meetings, but I stayed sober.
I asked her to give me time, and we were at such odds that it wasn't hard not to see her--except when she wanted to gloat (a hollow cry). I needed space, so I went to AA meetings, and I learned that she was sick, too, and that alcoholism is a family disease. I learned that her reactions were, at least in part, due to my actions. I learned that we got where we were over years of alcoholic behaviour and we weren't going to fix it overnight. I learned that she was acting out of fear and that the me she knew was a quantifiable person--the new me was a virtual unknown entity. That threatened her beyond admission. Fear. FEAR. FEAR.
Today I know that what I don't do out of love, I do out of fear. It's been almost four years of struggles, very little intimacy, and a LOT of change. She drinks some, but we're attending her church once again, and this weekend she expressed a desire to talk about God and biblical things. As I grow, she grows (just as when I drank, she withered). It's a partnership.
The questions early on are not the same as they are after a year of sobriety. You walked together (I presume) into the woods 5 miles, it'll take 5 miles to get out. Call a truce (ask him to do the same) for a year, and work the program. You'll be amazed at how much different things are a year from now. There is no short cut to this sobriety business, and that is especially true with our relationships.
I asked her to give me time, and we were at such odds that it wasn't hard not to see her--except when she wanted to gloat (a hollow cry). I needed space, so I went to AA meetings, and I learned that she was sick, too, and that alcoholism is a family disease. I learned that her reactions were, at least in part, due to my actions. I learned that we got where we were over years of alcoholic behaviour and we weren't going to fix it overnight. I learned that she was acting out of fear and that the me she knew was a quantifiable person--the new me was a virtual unknown entity. That threatened her beyond admission. Fear. FEAR. FEAR.
Today I know that what I don't do out of love, I do out of fear. It's been almost four years of struggles, very little intimacy, and a LOT of change. She drinks some, but we're attending her church once again, and this weekend she expressed a desire to talk about God and biblical things. As I grow, she grows (just as when I drank, she withered). It's a partnership.
The questions early on are not the same as they are after a year of sobriety. You walked together (I presume) into the woods 5 miles, it'll take 5 miles to get out. Call a truce (ask him to do the same) for a year, and work the program. You'll be amazed at how much different things are a year from now. There is no short cut to this sobriety business, and that is especially true with our relationships.
Thank you for all of insight . I am going to stop sharing about my recovery with him. He still wants to know in detail how I am feeling though. I don't know how to handle this, but I guess I will grow to.
I know I have put him through a lot and need to respect that and listen to him and to try to get a grasp on the damage I have done a lot of damage and it is going to take a long time for me to repair this and have him trust me. But you know how alcoholics are, we want it NOW.
I have had 5 months sobriety and then six shortly after that. He expects me to fail and I have to prove through living amends that I am not going to.
I feel a light bulb has gone off and I want to stay the course. I just need to stay the course and focus on MY recovery.
Thanks you guys!
I know I have put him through a lot and need to respect that and listen to him and to try to get a grasp on the damage I have done a lot of damage and it is going to take a long time for me to repair this and have him trust me. But you know how alcoholics are, we want it NOW.
I have had 5 months sobriety and then six shortly after that. He expects me to fail and I have to prove through living amends that I am not going to.
I feel a light bulb has gone off and I want to stay the course. I just need to stay the course and focus on MY recovery.
Thanks you guys!
Bananagrrl-
Thats the spirit to move forward in your recovery!!!!
Two weeks is still so fresh and new for both of you. You had several months before, and before you know it, one day at a time you can string together those days again.
Hang in there!!!!
Thats the spirit to move forward in your recovery!!!!
Two weeks is still so fresh and new for both of you. You had several months before, and before you know it, one day at a time you can string together those days again.
Hang in there!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 57
My personal comment is I am just tired. Tired of being the sympathetic one. Tired of being the responsible one. Tired of being told I am sorry. My wife is an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about. I have gotten to the point where I hate everything she does and how she does it. She drinks as soon as she gets off work until she passes out on our couch. The routine we know have pertains to me having the top floor and her the bottom floor. I consume myself in completing my degree and attending to my children but I don't know how much more I can take of her. like any other situation I see glimpses of the woman I loved but very little of her. That little bit makes me want to hang in there but she has put herself out there really far. So bananagrrrl you got to understand the temper being short is not a surprise. I used to be able to speak to my wife about slowing down on the drinks but now even her drink personality doesn't listen to me anymore. totally annoying your patience gets worn completely thin. My wife has had two serious car accident caused by her drinking. I am afraid her recklessness will cost the entire family at some point. I am now completely frustrated to the point of having a daily headache.
Thank you, MFrank, I needed to hear your perspective. I am going to start reading Friends and Family just to try to get a grasp on how my spouse feels during the rollercoaster I have put him through.
Get thee to an AlAnon group. You will find people, just like you, who have struggled with the alcoholic in their lives and have come to find peace in accepting that they didn't cause it, they can't control it, and they can't change it. They learned that they can love the person without loving the disease and that they can establish boundaries. They developed spiritual tools, in the same manner as alcoholics do, through the use of the very same Twelve Steps and traditions. If you're a reader, check out, "The Lois Wilson Story: When Love Is Not Enough" by William G Borchert 2008. You can also find help at Friends and Family boards on this and other forums. Or you can do nothing.
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