Tuffgirl

Hi to posters here - I am jumping over from friends & family of alcoholics forum to pose a question here. I need to better understand the recovery process, and feel free to suggest readings, etc. And yes - I do attend Al-Anon as much as my schedule allows.

My question this morning: I read that early in recovery it is important (and probably imperative) that the alcoholic focus on him/herself and put sobriety first and foremost. That getting through each day sober is a feat in itself.

My AH (or RAH?, but about 70 days in and about 3 weeks with a sponsor and I think - actually taking it a bit more seriously) and I are separated. I moved out three weeks ago when I realized as long as I was in the immediate picture he could blame the marriage (and me) and not focus on the real issue (alcoholism). He got a sponsor as soon as I moved out. Now he wants to go to marriage counseling. This is a complete about-face from the absolute refusal to ever, EVER see a counselor for ANYTHING. I am afraid its too soon and he is still really stuck in denial about the classic alcoholic pattern of interaction in a marriage & family. If he doesn't acknowledge that pattern - I can't see how it will stop nor that counseling will make a difference.

Is it too soon for marriage counseling this early in recovery? He is only on the 4th step and struggling already to even make a list of his resentments (I think its called "pink clouding" - everything is just fine now attitude) and I am concerned this is all too soon, for both of us. It took us years to get where we are today, after all.

Any advice, personal experiences, thoughts, etc would be most welcome. I am still struggling to understand the incredible power alcohol has over a person, but in reading the posts here see that there are true success stories all over the place and it gives me hope. Thanks!

LexieCat

I dunno... seems to me that marriage counseling might be a bit of a distraction from the work he needs to do for his recovery.

How do you feel about it? Have you started divorce proceedings, or are you just stepping away from the insanity for awhile?

If you think the marriage is worth saving, you might tell him you are willing to wait until he's feeling a little more solid in his recovery, but that you would love to do the counseling a few months down the road. Meantime, you could get involved in Al-Anon (if you aren't already doing that) to kinda get your own head on straight.

ste

I am new to recovery, but more than halfway through with step 4. Agree with LexieCat (and you) about the marriage counseling being too soon. The reason? If he is "pink clouding" step 4, his unresolved resentments, (which must include you, because he can blame you for his drinking), will just spill over into the counseling. IMHO, if he does a good job completing step 4, he will see no need for a marriage counselor.

Tuffgirl

Thanks all - after posting this and seeing it in black & white, and then thinking some more on how the conversation about counseling went last night - I do agree that it is too soon for both of us, but especially ME. I, too, have plenty of resentments to work through before I could look at repairing the damage to the marriage. But no, I don't want a divorce and won't give up on him, even though I can't live with him right now. Stepping away from the insanity is a good way of putting it.

I think sometimes writing it down like this answers our own questions! I just miss him, but not enough to mess with this chance he has at getting sober. It would be a distraction and added stress that he doesn't need right now.

CarolD

I was not married when I was an acitive alcoholic
and have remained happily divorced since I recovered.

however...it's my observation that people who finishe their
formal Step work have a smoother time
in all ascpects of their lives.....

There is a chapter in the book...Alcoholics Anonymous
titled "To The Wives" you might want to read.

blessings to the two of you

someguy71

I would tend to disagree with that. Without the support of my wife I wouldn't make it through the day. (In 3 hours, I will be starting day 4). I, personally, think that if he is putting in an HONEST effort to stop then having someone close to him support him is a critical step.

but YMMV

Best of luck!!

Lushwell

What you are seeing as a problem I am seeing as a progression of recovery. The drunk has sobered up. Did get a sponsor, even if under duress. Became open to counselling, again under threat of loss, but a forward movement, none the less. This person still retains the freedom to choose, and has chosen positive, productive courses of action. What appears to be missing is the fact none of this happened on your time schedule. I think the most important thing to understand when dealing with recovery on either side of the fence is that it is a progressive process. And we need to be patient enough to allow the process to unfold. Sometimes in this process, the best thing the affected party can do is dive into their own recovery, as the solution for them may lie there, and not so much in what the recovering drunk has or is doing. For me, it is more important for me to understand and deal with what is going on with me than it is to understand what is going on with the other party, especially in the early stages of recovery.

Boleo

I agree. Even though this is not a lot of action, I see it moving forward. If you doubt his sincerity or his commitment, talk to his sponsor. If his sponsor only has a short time himself (less than 2 years or less than 2 sponce's), talk to his sponsors sponsor.

BP44

If you haven't gotten a sponsor in Alanon, I'd suggest it. The best my wife and I were able to do in my first year in sobriety was me focus on my formal step work with my sponsor and her working with her sponsor. By then I was fully involved in AA and she was fully involved in Alanon. A mere 4 years later our lives have been transformed and our marriage flourishes. It actually looks like a marriage today. And it's still growing an unfolding. We never went to a marriage counselor. Never really considered it.

omegasupreme

How and why do you know anything about his fourth step? Gosh, that sounds like lots of sickness. Recovery works best when we work our own steps.

ZZworldontheweb

Maybe tell him it's too soon and you'd rather wait a bit so he can concentrate on himself. But thank him sincerely for offering and tell him how proud you are of him.

BTW THANK YOU for sticking with him. A supportive spouse is huge. HUGE. You're not only helping him, but yourself and everybody that he WON'T put in danger.

TheEnd

Many of the problems that we face as people in a relationships are relational problems. Once you're in a relationship there really are no individual problems, because my problem will become your problem and will affect how we interact as a unit. Marriage counseling could be an excellent place to resolve some of these issues and may actually help him through his 4th step.

Tuffgirl

Big thanks! I did exactly that last night and he seemed receptive to it. I told him that what I read is that right now his sobriety has to come first, and that I respect that, even if its hard to be living apart.

and thank you for the second sentence. It brought tears to my eyes - and I needed to hear that this morning.

Hopeworks

Alcoholism is a family disease ... I agree with the above posters that it is important that you both work the steps. Have you found an alanon sponsor that you work with? Keep looking until you find her...

I believe in counseling and suggest you start looking for someone who knows addiction as well as marriage counseling. Counsel separately to begin with ... I also suggest that you take some compatability testing to see where problems lie outside of addiction. They can be very revealing!

This path saved my marriage ... our counselor was a pastor and also a Dr. of psychology with a recovered son. He was amazing and we still counsel with him weekly just because we love working on our relationship. My husband was a 4th stage hopeless alcoholic and is now a recovered grateful alcoholic who credits his recovery to working the steps and his anonymous higher power Jesus C.

A great book to read is No More Letting Go by Debra Jay.

Keep us posted.