Nikkle

Hey everyone, I have 50 days sober, YaY! Now that I am sober, I am rediscovering myself. I have lived most of my adult life keeping my emotions in check. Not allowing myself to feel too happy and not allowing myself to become to be consumed by anger or deep depression. Lots of self-talk and alcohol kept me dulled down . I've done it for so long that I guess I forgot why I did it or even that I was doing it for a reason. The other day, I had what might be considered an emotional breakthrough where I was able to admit I was denying myself the right to feel. Suddenly I began feeling very happy, relieved and free. Not manic, just an extreme sense of well being that lasted an entire day. I thought, wow, this is great, this is what I've been missing and I gave myself permission to enjoy it. I woke up the next morning feeling great and confident that it was going to be a positive day. At 7:30 in the morning I was full of energy, sorting and folding clothes and humming a happy tune as I did so. My fiancé was getting ready for work and looked at me with bewilderment. He left for work with that look on his face and didn't even kiss me goodbye as he usually does. The appropriate emotion at that moment would have been hurt or disappointment, because he just withheld affection from me, instead I just laughed, but then realized I couldn't shake the "happy" feeling. I hadn't noticed it as I had been going with the flow, but when I wanted to switch I couldn't. It was if I were naturally intoxicated by norepinephrine and all those other chemicals responsible for happy. When I realized that they weren't shutting off production, I started feeling physically ill, then an inner panic. I was so overwhelmed, I could no longer focus and continue in my productivity. The happy feeling crashed and for the rest of the day I felt an agitated depression. Very snappy and unpleasant to be around. I didn't even want to be around me! This morning, I am doing a little better, but now I also remember why I trained myself to be even keeled in the first place. I suspect this is a chemical imbalance of some sort, not as severe as bi-polar but not as simple as plain old depression either. I have filled out new patient paperwork that I will turn in next Tuesday so I can get a primary care physician who can refer me for a psychological evaluation. Finding the money for the visits will be a challenge as I am already paying for alcohol treatment and other dui related things, but I will figure it out somehow. I just read this morning that my symptoms were similar to those experienced by drug users. They get a rush of elated feelings, then crash. Has anyone else experienced something like this without being drug induced? Are there any natural remedies? I'm kinda back to being afraid to feel happy, haha! Thanks!

LexieCat

I think mood swings are pretty common in early sobriety. We just plain aren't used to normal feelings, as you observed.

I wouldn't leap to the conclusion you are bipolar or need some kind of psychiatric treatment just yet. There is a place for that, but I think it's too soon to conclude that your emotions won't even out with a little time and continued sobriety.

BoozeFree

Congrats on your 50days! As far as the emotions, I dont have much experience being that I am newly sober with 37days but I can say that my emotions have been all over the place since being sober which I am also not used to at all since I was always numbing myself so I know whatcha mean.

Nikkle

Congrats on 37 days BoozeFree!

tsmba

Sounds as though things are preceding normally. I've gone through that first year four times in my chronic history, and see-sawing emotions were a given. What goes up will come down, and the best preparation I've found is taking things a day at a time.

julez

Hi Nikkle. This Friday will be 90 days for me, and I'm praying I get there. I had a wonderful sense of elation, especially when I began my step work. I prayed, read, and did a lot of talking to God. While I still do those things, I've ben in a serious slump lately. I'm chalking it up to getting down with real life, and having to learn new ways to cope. Just let these emotions ride out.

LaFemme

Congrats on 50 days!

I sometimes have really good, happy days like you described followed by days that in comparison were not great...thankfully since getting rid of booze I have not suffered from depression.

I find that a daily practice of meditation goes a long way to keeping me on an even happy keel...the more I practice the more even keeled I get

undercoverangel

Congratulations on 50 days!

I'm 22 days in and my moods are all over the place. I do get the very happy, almost euphoria, feeling occassionally, but come down from it pretty quick right now. I have good days and I have really bad days. I am hoping my moods even out soon, or I'll be receiving divorce papers....

Hang in there! You're doing great.

Dee74

I can only share my experience Nikkle - I was pretty darn unfamiliar with feeling happy - I didn't trust the feeling...in fact it scared me a little.

I knew it was coming though cos I'd relapsed like that before - I gave myself time to adjust, I reassured myself everything was ok, and was going to be ok...

and it was

D

Nikkle

Thanks everyone. By your responses I see that it is not uncommon. I know I have to be patient with my poor brain and body as it readjusts itself, still I remember some of these "out of balance" symptoms from long before I started my drinking career. Probably should have posted this in mental health if I wanted suggestion on natural stabilizers, then again, I should probably just wait for my Dr. appointment and let a pro tinker with it if necessary. It's good to have you all to talk it out with though and see, once again, that I am not alone.

foghead

Yep..im near day 60 and get those up and down days but the one thing that keeps me going is that good days always follow bad days....roller coaster ride but growing to handle it a bit more and accepting the way i feel at the time...i feel better when i keep myself busy till night time then just chillout for about two hours before bed. Going to the gym also helps me but still not at the walking about getting to know people stage but hopefully that will come.

keep up the good work....just think of all those brain cells you saved from not drinking the past 50 days. Thats bound to be a big benifit for you