sleepie

Day three. Holy depression. I have not heard about the job interviewed 4 times for. I got on the scale this morning, I weigh more than I have in my entire life and I turn 37 in a few weeks. I'm old and fat. I hate my life. I don't lose weight when I quit drinking either, I know from the past. Lonely, single, fat and old. F***.

Danae

Sounds like a tough day. Hang in there!

I know what you mean about not losing weight when you stop drinking, but I've found that people have been complimenting me on how much better I look anyway. Maybe you don't notice, but your face looks better, and soon you'll feel better too? Not drinking will have other physical benefits besides the number you see on the scale.

p.s.---If it makes you feel better, some of us out here are older and fatter! (trying to add a note of humor, not to minimize your current feelings).

newby1961

Aw come-on now you can't be all those things? You sound like i did my 1st week of quitting, sooo friggen depressed. It gets better really it does, cause if it didn't, I wouldn't still be sober and its been almost 7 years. All you can do is keep venting and hold on to your a**, cause you are in for a ride. It's like an emotional rollercoaster but if you can hang on long enough those feelings will change, or you'll relapse like I kept doing for to many years to count. I thought when I quit all of a sudden I was supposed to feel better and life's problems somehow couldn't touch me. Life is still life, bad things still happen to good people, but we learn to roll w/the punches. Do or have you ever gone to AA?NA? Keep the Faith Peace s

sleepie

As it's been said, "This ain't my first rodeo"... I have been up to nearly 4 months sober in the past, several times. I get a month, a week or two, a few days etc. At this point I feel like there's no point to trying anything anymore. I really am all those things, literally. Yes I tried AA. When I quit drinking, I just start eating more. I was a binge eater when I was younger. Took me years to realize that. I need coffee and cigarettes to kick start a little weight loss but my roomie is a NAZI about smoking in the apartment and it's sub-zero weather here. I bike almost year round. I am on medication it does not help with the eating. I am also in the process of getting off it. I have struggled with over eating my entire life. I know it stems from my abusive up bringing and yes I have a therapist and I have gained 20 more pounds since I started seeing her and taking the stupid meds. I was on them for OCD and depression and now my symptoms are worse because I hate the way I look and feel. I need a diet pill.

Danae

Sorry to hear about all your troubles. Didn't mean to sound like Pollyanna by suggesting anything is a quick fix.

Shevrard

Sleepie, could it be that your medicine is keeping the weight on you? Why don't you talk to your doc about it. That is a terrible side effect, I know. Hang in there, you're doing great.

SASA

Sleepie, things will get better. Drinking does not make you loose weight, look better or make you younger. It does the opposite. So get yourself back on the wagon. Try again, only if you stop trying you loose.

sleepie

There's nothing to apologize for Danae. If I am not drinking, I'm overeating. And I have the hair pulling disorder. I have been plagued with anxiety fueled OCD symptoms my entire life. I am so sick of it and it's not like I can just turn it off and I have tried any med you can name and they either don't work or they make me fat and miserable. It always manifests somehow no matter what and it just plain sucks.

BullDog777

Sleepie,

have you ever thought about getting into something physical like an exercise class or take up martial arts? i've done MMA since i was 15 and while i can't do it with the intensity i once could, i can still beat the hell out of a heavy bag 4-5 times a week. not only does it help release endorphins, but i can eat a bag of cookies and not feel so bad when i've had a bad week.

YouTube - Al Pacino - Any Given Sunday (Prep Talk) the infamous "inch by inch"

rws177

I agree but everyone has there own vices... If not for Brazilian Jiujitsu I really don't know if I would be sober to this day. I consider it a "fellowship" trainning with the same people for years and going through all the blood and sweat together. No matter how krapy life seems at times I feel great after an hour or so on the matts. Plus like you said I don't feel bad about binge eating, which I tend to do on the weekends!!

sleepie

I have an eye condition that prohibits me from any high impact sports, which is kind of unfortunate because that's all the fun stuff. I have thin retinas with a high possibility of detachment and I had a hole in my retina years ago that I had lasered. I was told by my doctor years ago that I am the kind of person that probably needs to exercise to exhaustion every day. I still don'y know why he'd say that. I used to overeat and then over exercise to make up for it. Whatever I do, it takes over my life. When I was thin and not drinking I walked every day for miles, sometimes 7 or 8 a day and barely ate while keeping a food log. The less food in the log the more I "won". I will try to get back to that. I know I can I just have to start. I've done it before.

TwelveSteps

The point isn't to lose weight, the point is that aerobic exercise causes the release of endorphins, lifting mood and alleviating depression and reducing anxiety. Here is a useful article about exercise's effects on the brain: The Effects of Exercise on the Brain

A study a couple of years ago found exercise to be as effective as some antidepressants in regulating mood: Exercise: The Miracle Antidepressant Drug?

I know that when I don't work out every day, my anxiety levels get out of control. As long as I can get a good work out, I'm able to maintain calm and my sobriety.

Your doctor should be able to tell you what exercises will not cause problems with your eyes. Good luck and congrats on 3 days!

GG

ViciousCycle

My friend.......your initial post, I hate to say is hilarious! Everyone gets to feel this way! Trust me! I have a muffin top........hate that term.......never had one before........I need to get at it! Love you........

sleepie

Good to know I provide some comedic relief. Whatever.

BullDog777

i think the laugh came out of the ability for everyone to relate to how you feel.

i'm 38, gained 25 pounds when i got sober, my wife works too much and i'm still trying to get my career back.

everyone of those things ALONE could depress me.


today, I had a day where i just had to understand i'd be too hard on myself no matter how objective i tried to see things. So I stayed away from mirrors, my artwork, and didn't try to get my wife to watch a movie with me even through i got one for us to watch because she's already asleep on the couch.


oh, and because of my drinking and drug use 13 months ago, i still owe about 50K in bad descisions.

so...what do i do?


what i can. nothing more. if the best i can do for today is not to be so hard on myself, then so be it.

atleast that's not self destruction... so, maybe....just try to claim your progress.

just try to do a little better everyday.

take it easy Sleepie. just try baby steps..one inch at a time if you have to.

sleepie

I just hate my life so much. I have a roomie who drives me nuts and who basically provides me a room. So when he has a bad day and takes it out on me I have to put up with it. I have no proper job, and little money coming in- and no freedom. I just want the freedom to have a cat and smoke a d*** cigarette in my own space. I feel imprisoned. And I am trying very hard to get a job and if I could do that, I would have my autonomy back. I have such a demeaning lifestyle, and no privacy. The roomie is always in my business, and if I say anything at all he yells at me. He interrogates me about my life and yells at me when he feels like it. I don't have or make enough money to move out or family to stay with. And I'm not just sitting in my a**. I am busting nuts trying to get a job. I have been through a lot on my own and living this way is taking a toll. I can't be myself at all and nobody is going to date me until I have a job either, which the last guy made clear- while he accused me of sleeping with the roomie for rent. I just can't take it anymore. And I AM very grateful to have a place to stay but should I have to deal with
emotional and verbal abuse in exchange? I grew up with that s*** and sometimes I stay in my room for days after a really bad spell.

ZZworldontheweb

You'll succeed with the job hunt if you keep trying sis. You're smart and articulate. Once you get that, I think making some happiness will come easier (it IS something you can make). Not sure I agree with your doctor about exercising to exhaustion, but "move a muscle, change a thought". Even mild/moderate exercise can really change your mood. Sounds like you were on the right track with the walking.

You're so straight-talking that when you do get sober, I think you'll be a tremendous help to others. That's something you might try to shoot for.

P.S.....WE think you're beautiful.

BullDog777

yeah, i kinda know where you're coming from. i lived with one of my best friends for awhile and while we were inseperable when we weren't roomies, i hated him when we were. go figure.

anyway...maybe the answer is to try to find another room to rent. one where the person dosen't have anything emotionally invested. i don't know if you can afford that, but it might be a start.

also, getting a set of wheels is something you might want to look into because then you can widen your scope of work. (whether it's a car or a vespa) i know you don't have alot of money, but here in Virginia we have a "work for wheels" program where you can get a car, basically for free. here's a website that might be able to help.

How to Get a Free Donated Car | eHow.com

hang in there

tooling

Hi Sleepie

You're going to have to let go of all this anger if you plan on stopping the drinking. Self destructive thinking goes hand and hand with booze and compliments it. That's why we keep seeing you with 1day, 2day and 3day post over and over for months on end. And each time you reach a boiling point and get wasted from the stress.

My advice to you is give up and become submissive towards your issues and get sober. This isn't a time to raise your fist in anger or even worry about other people.

Social break free and quite frankly please stop drinking.

i feel bad seeing these post from you all the time. it's like a time machine stuck and never moves.

One month of soberness is nothing! even 3 months is nothing! Wait until you get to 4 and 4...6 months, then you can tell you crawled out of that crappy mess we was all in.

c49

Hey Sleepie, you are trying so give yourself some credit.

I'll bet the reason why alcohol WAS such a success in your life is because it numbed you from all the BS and pain that you have endured. But now it left you depressed and with no real tools to deal with todays BS -- It takes time to acquire those tools. (although I will admit to my depression last Sunday when the Jets steamrolled the Pats... I'm sure you felt that too in Boston!)

Listen up... get off the scale for now. Believe me nobody notices extra abdominal insulation more than yourself. Especially in winter when you are already wearing jackets and sweatshirts all day long. Deal with the scale in the spring.

How about trying to just do 1 thing at a time instead of getting overwhelmed by all the BS going on. Fix something simple and go from there. I do not function when I have what can only be described as a chaotic game of pinball in my head when I have too much on my mind. The only way I can function is to work on one thing at a time and virtually put on my blinders to everything else... its how I clean my house and work to keep my depression and anxiety in check.

Keep trying!!