Rewired

I have posted before and have gone months without drinking. I keep relapsing and keep trying. I just cannot get past what is the point of my life. I have awesome kids and when I don't drink I am a very good mother and when I do I still try to be a good mother (I know I am not totally there for them). I have an eating disorder (I weight 110 and think I am fat). There are so many days I think what is the point but I put on a fake face and try to make my kids happy. I go to group once a week and see a therapist. I went to AA and a man told me to come back which I will. I just want advice on how to get rid of these feelings of having no worth because that is what always makes me want to drink again. This is me

Sugah

My suggestions? Go back to AA, ask another woman with solid sobriety to be your sponsor, take the steps with her -- and you'll find what you're seeking. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Soph

Hi Kody, you are doing the best you can, and so are we all. Give yourself a break, look at your sweet face in the mirror, and see your best friend and soulmate, you. You're posting here, you keep trying, and what I hear in AA is, "it takes what it takes.."

It took Al Anon, ironically, for me to really take my drinking seriously, because I heard people talking about their Moms...and how their Moms were so selfish with their drinking and never really "there" while they needed them...which led to issues to the Al Anon-ers...and I thought... I don't want my son to end up here saying that in 20 years, he deserves a sober Mom, which I have not been his whole life!

From another Mom/relapser/tryer/self-doubter...hang in there!

Hugs,
Soph

reggiewayne

Welcome Kody. One thing that stood out in your posts was "I had to put on a fake face for my kids"... life doesn't have to be that way. I know what you mean about putting on the fake face and trying to convince everyone that I was happy when on the inside I was in misery. AA has helped me tremendously. Don't put it off. Go tomorrow if you can. If you don't like the meeting go to another. Reach out and tell people your new and I'm sure some women will be there to help you.

The program of AA is only an alcoholic knows what an alcoholic is going through. The mental obsession, the self loathing, the feeling not good enough, etc... these are all parts of my disease. Quite frankly my family and freinds aren't enough to keep my sober. I wish they were, but the are not. It's through the fellowship of AA and my higher power that I am able to live in my own skin and be comfortable with me. For years drinking was my medicine for life. Today, recovery gives me that and so much more. Instead of trying to go through the motions in life I try to be engaged and help.

There is a group of people out there that are just waiting to care for you. You help them stay sober. You get sober with the help of them and then you turn around and help a newcomer stay sober, and so on and so on and so on.... I only bring up AA because you mentioned you were open to try it. I wish you the best. I don't have much to say on the eating disorder due to having no expierience dealing with it.

Give AA a shot. It works for me and I know it can work for you!!!!

Best of luck to you!

CarolD

Welcome back.....

When I began working my AA steps.....I shifted from often
shakey sobriety into solid recovery.....

This can be true for you too
blessings to you and your children

Antiderivative

Focus on the positives, such as remembering what you just said

A good mother certainly has worth. In fact, a good mom is priceless.


I know all to well about no self worth. I am also good at beating myself up. Barring any deep and unresolved personal issues or chemical imbalances (which you may or may not need to look into), thinking positive and healthy thoughts of oneself sometimes takes practice and effort. Negative thinking and self-pity are often self-perpetuating. It becomes a viscous cycle, which is difficult to break. It takes effort and time to re-condition your thinking, but it can be done.

You may find these links helpful.
How to Overcome Self-Pity and Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself
Reading Addiction » Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity – A Step By Step Guide

Bests,

TheEnd

I wouldn't get so bogged down about the meaning of life, you state you have awesome kids and are a good mother, so go out be the person that you know you're expected to be. You can figure out the meaning of your life later, it's not something that you will necessarily find the answer to anytime soon, but right now your kids need you.

LaFemme

Hi kody and welcome back!

You might want to look for a new therapist in my opinion...you have a serious body image problem which needs treatment. Life can be amazing. Alcohol fueled my own depression and lack of self worth but in sobriety I have found so much joy...keep trying and it will for you too. I would sggest changing it up a notch or two...that's what I needed.

I post in the morning and evening in the SR gratitude forum...it (and meditation) has made a profound difference in my life.

Hugs! Tina

MrDavid

I believe there was a famous line somewhere in Greek history that said "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". How true...just ask your kids...they know how beautiful you are to them.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them too". How true.......We will continue to love you until your able to love yourself.



You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy...... Amen.........

I have a drinking disorder that tries to tell me I don't have one...yeah right?

Onewithwings

Hi Kody,
I was a "chronic relapser"-- couldn't string together 2 months! Well, I now will have 4 months on Tuesday (and feeling good!) for me it has been a Godsend to have a great sponsor and work the steps honestly and vigorously. That has really helped me-- that, and sharing candidly at meetings. I can be open and honest, it really helps. If I feel like picking up, I say it. That helps a lot, too.

RobbyRobot

Hi. Sounds to me like you're taking on guilt and despair like somehow its your fault you're feeling worthless. Its not your fault, even though it feels like it, and even though its you that wants to drink again.

If you want to get rid of those awful feelings then you need to take actions that give you postive feelings about who you are and what you're doing in your life and for your kids.

Obviously your trying. Seems like it still is not enough, from what your feeling. For me, I had to detach from my illness of alcoholism and become a person who was sick with alcoholism and not just a loser who kept getting drunk. Blame and guilt are only useful to come to terms with our present struggles, whatever they may be personally. After that, those negative feelings are best left in the past and we move on daily recovering from our past experiences.

Detaching means that we accept that alcoholism is beyond our control, and our drinking is directly from alcoholism and not from personal failure or otherwise our fault. We are responsible to our recovery of course, but alcoholism has already defeated the alcoholic. It is useless to fight against alcoholism. Throw all your negativity and struggles away and try to accept how alcoholism has had its way with your life. If your not sure your alcoholic, it would make good sense to discover the truth of your being alcoholic or not. There are some real advantages to know what is causing you to want to drink. In any case, your drinking is trouble enough and there is no required reason for you to suffer so much that you cant stay away from drinking. There are many ways to stop drinking. Dont give up. Keep reaching out. Dont blame yourself.

Rob

Veritas1

It's good that you know that you have a pattern of drinking, sobering up, staying sober, then returning to drinking. That you can't stay sober no matter how great the necessity or the wish.

I think that this is what proves to us that we are alcoholic. In that we cannot stay away from it...that the mental obsession happens for us, and convinces us that this time it will be different.

I would get in your AA book, do you have one? I would start reading it with the Doctors Opinion. Alcoholism is running the show.

Our addiction causes us to turn away from the ones we love, and God, and to turn to alcohol. It becomes everything to us, and it needs to go.

Like someone else posted...find a woman that can help you. Join a group and go daily, and keep yourself in the middle of strong women and men of the fellowship, who can show you the way out.

You can do it.

Don't call yourself relapse queen anymore. You are not a relapse queen. You, like me, are alcoholics, and alcoholism caused us to drink. We can arrest the disease. We can change, and stop doing what we have always done.

We must do the work, and if we don't know what to do, we must seek the answers. Trying is not enough, we must do it. Best wishes to you!

cabledude

Maybe try out a women-only AA meeting to get some identification going, and find out from other sober Moms how that is done long term.

If you want to go it alone again you can certainly do that, but sobering up every few months or few years quickly gets to be a drag.

Rewired

Thank you for your responses. Today I am only having 4 beers. I tried doing it without having any but my anxiety is so out there. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. My husband took my car keys away he cannot trust me. I don't usually drive and drink but he knows I will run to the store. I plan on going to AA tomorrow he said he would drive me. Is there any kind of herb that can help with the anxiety? My kids and huband deserve more than this and actually so do I.

Veritas1

Please go to a doctor and explain that you have been drinking, how much, for how long, and that you wish to stop drinking.

Explain that you have anxiety if you go without it, so that the doctor can prescribe medication to ease your withdrawal, and then don't mix the medication with any alcohol (if prescribed).

Make a decision, and use the aid of the doctor for a safe withdrawal, and then don't buy any more alcohol, or drink any more alcohol. Call Monday and go see a doctor.

Rewired

Yes I will make an appointment tomorrow. I just feel that people are so sick of this up and down with me. I cannot even function anymore. If anyone is reading please don't give into the urge to drink it is so not worth it.

cabledude

And how was your meeting?

Would be a shame if you jump like a bunny for pills but drag your feet about getting some help.

Rewired

Well sorry cabledude I do not jump like a bunny for pills. I have never abused pills. You do not know me and do not know how I feel. Everyone's recovery is different. Seeing as I do not have a car and my husband wouldn't drive me I don't know what to say. If it wasn't so damn cold here I would have rode my bike to a meeting.

cabledude

Glad that you get it Kody, taking things to change your head is a lousy idea. Your request for herb suggestions mislead me. You'll probably feel about as bad as the last few times you went a week without a drink. No good way to shortcut or cushion that experience, but it may be your last trip through the drying out wringer.

Call the AA local number to arrange for a woman member to get you to your first meeting, and when there let the women know you don't want to drink anymore. They more than likely will solve your ride to meetings problem.