LukeDrillhead

I went to a meeting yesterday in celebration of 1 year of sobriety. It's a great feeling. Stopping drinking was the best thing I did in 2010. My health has improved. I get fewer migraine headaches and I've lost weight. I did not get a sponsor or do the 12 steps. I was simply tired of drinking more than I had planned to and of having to struggle through days hung over. I realized that if I let alcohol control me I would never achieve the goals I wish to achieve. So I just stopped. I said the hell with it -- I'm kicking alcohol out of my life. I only went to one meeting other than the one last night. I only skimmed the blue book, did not get sponsored, and didn't do the 12 steps. When I told people this last night, they looked at me as if I were from outer space.

So this brings up my 2 questions:
1. Am I even an alcoholic?
2. Should I do the 12 steps now?

Why I might be an alcoholic
I year ago I almost always ended up drinking more than I had planned to. I would get off work and feel lousy about the crappy job I had and I would have physical pain in my back. I would typically buy a pint bottle of Beck's, Heineken, or Fosters, and then a six pack of Beck's or some other very strong beer. The plan would be to kick back in front of the TV and then drink the pint plus maybe one or two. However, I almost always drank more than that, often drinking everything that I had. I would get feeling good from the alcohol buzz and keep wanting more. To get control over the drinking, I would buy only a small amount sometimes -- a pint bottle of Beck's or whatever and then just one normal sized beer at a place that sold that way. So I would kick back in front of the TV and drink that. Then I would always feel profoundly disappointed that that's all I had. I would crave more, but I would not go out and get it. However, next time I would buy more and end up drinking way too much again. Most disturbingly I always drank alone when feeling bad about myself and my problems.

Why I might not be an alcoholic
I went this year without drinking without being sponsored or doing a 12-step program. I did it via setting a goal not to do it and then sticking to it. I did have some support from a friend who's in AA, sometimes calling or texting her if I felt like drinking. But I did that very little, perhaps 3 times in the whole year. Most of the time I didn't desire to drink. Occasionally, I would feel some cravings, but I always got past them. I just recommitted and found some other way to make myself feel good that didn't include alcohol or drugs. I was also able to be around others who were drinking without drinking myself. In fact, last month while in Jamaica, I ordered some punch without alcohol. Because of the language barrier, the woman didn't understand and gave me alcoholic punch. Instead of drinking it, I gave it to someone else and went back and got a non-alcoholic drink. Even back when I was drinking, I went to pubs to see musical performances with never touching a drop since I'm so afraid of DUIs or crashing. I've never had a DUI or even driven drunk. I've never gotten violent or belligerent because of alcohol.

So there you have it. I feel great about this milestone, but I have questions. What I don't want to do is fall into a trap and think I'm not alcoholic if I really am and then let this accomplishment open the alcoholic floodgates again. Of course, even if I'm not an alcoholic, that doesn't mean I have to drink. It's perfectly acceptable to choose not to drink anyway. I've been enjoying life without it. On the other hand, one plus of being able to drink responsibly would be if I visit Germany. I was an exchange student there in the 80s and haven't visited since. I would be nice to be able to drink the beer there when I visit. But it wouldn't be worth it if I fell into a trap because of it.

I welcome comments, especially those on how I should answer my two main questions.

Dee74

Hi Luke
Welcome back

This was the sentence that leaped out at me.

so....what makes you think this won't happen again?
I've gone near 4 years without drinking without being sponsored or doing a 12-step program....but I've experimented enough in the past to know I'm an alcoholic because whenever I drink, however long the break, the same old things happen.

I had enough terrible consequences happen that I don't want to even open the door to the possibility of that happening again.

And my life is good as it is, sans alcohol. Really good.

I guess you have have to weigh it up for yourself, Luke.
D

LexieCat

There's endless debate about the definition of "alcoholic". The Big Book basically defines a "real alcoholic" as someone unable to get sober and stay sober without a spiritual solution. OTOH, I think even the strictest interpreter of the BB would agree that there are some people not qualifying under that definition who still cannot drink without danger of relapsing into seriously problematic (at best) drinking.

I also think that the 12 Steps are a good, healthy plan for living regardless whether you are alcoholic or not. I've never heard of anyone harmed by working the Steps thoroughly.

What concerns me a little more is your longing to experience the biergartens of Germany. It suggests you still want to drink, and are looking for a loophole. Which, in turn, suggests you are still obsessing about drinking and, therefore...

You can think yourself in circles and wind up drinking just to shut off the voices in your head.

I don't know that anyone can answer your questions any better than you can. All I can suggest is that you get REALLY honest with yourself and your motives. Mine are always suspect.

Kjell

Great questions, great post.

First and foremost - congrats on your sober time regardless if you're an alcoholic or not. One year is awesome.

A few things I noticed that jumped out at me is...you crave alcohol, once you start drinking and you usually drink more than you plan. You drink alone. You also seem to be fantasing about drinking (when I'm in Jamaica, I'd like to drink or when I'm in Germany, it'd be cool if I could drink).

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Yes you quit for a while, but you simply may not have progressed into more damaging and reckless behaviors yet.

In the end, only you can decide. I totally understand wanting to know and had I not had the consequences I caused, I'm sure I'd be wondering the same thing (if I even thought that far ahead).

Post a bit more, read around here, do some research on your own, check in with your AA group and find out for sure if you qualify for alcoholism.

In my opinion you have some of the warning signs in the very least and I bet, most of the time, usually, if you have to even ask the question, you already know...

Kjell

least

Whether or not you fit the label of 'alcoholic' isn't the issue, in my opinion. It's whether or not alcohol is/was causing problems in your life. Seems like it was and that you'd be better off without it. I'd say to never mind the labels, just stay sober to do the right thing for your health and well being. Working the steps might not be a bad idea as there are many who can attest to that making their lives so much better and happier. I've not worked the steps as laid out in AA but I have been purposely working them in a psychological way, as in, working on my 'self'.

I also see an addiction counselor once a week (for the past three years) and have found it very helpful in all aspects of my life, not just staying sober. Perhaps counseling would help you too. At any rate, if you're comfortable with getting a sponsor and working the steps, by all means give it a good try. It might help and it certainly can't hurt.

Oh, and congrats on your sober year. I just celebrated mine last December and my life is so much better now that I'm happily sober.

LaFemme

Hi Luke and welcome to SR!

For me I don't care whether or not I am or am not an alcoholic...I prefer to think of myself as a sober person...I am considering calling myself a teetotaller but I always thought that was a silly word.

The point is alcohol is a poison...its unhealthy...its a depressant...it makes you fat...wrecks your judgement and tastes like crap, beer especially.

A year is great...if you think AA would improve your life you should do it...one thing that wont improve your life is alcohol.

Congrats on your year

P.s. - I feel like I was an alcoholic and I'm not now but if I drink again I will again be an alcoholic...but that's just me

rws177

Congrats on one year!!!

I spent the first 9 months of my sobriety not in AA as well. Then went to a meeting for my 6 month coin that my friend gave me. When I said it was only my second meeting they all looked upset with me. After that I thought about not going back ever again. But eventually I started going and around 9 months got a sponsor and began working the steps. AA has helped to improve my sobriety. I still think I can do it on my own but why not have that extra help.

MsCooterBrown

Well my take on this ..without going back to do quotes..you say you would plan on what you wanted to drink..but often times would drink everything you had. You also said you like to drink to get the buzz..but wanted to drink past that. These are red alerts in my book. I will venture a guess if we were to do a poll most people that do this head banter of can I drink..or not..and then tried it..would end up drinking just as much as they used to and sometimes even more if they were to go back to drinking. You could try it to get it out of your system..but I wouldn't wanna waste a whole year of sobriety over it. You are in the head game part of alcoholism now. Just be careful with whatever you decide. You could drink in Germany...and end up in China wondering wtf happened..black outs come on quick! Good luck to you...

LukeDrillhead

Many, many thanks for all the responses. Here's what I've decided. I've decided to make just as strong a commitment to a second year of sobriety as I made to the first. When I first stopped drinking, a "stop drinking forever" resolution sounded too large and impossible, so I committed to stopping for a year and then re-evaluating at the end of that time. Now my choice is to not drink for another year and then to make intelligent choices at the end of that time.

I strongly suspect that I am indeed an alcoholic who caught the disease much earlier than some did. I have a cousin who was in such bad shape she had to go through detox and then through rehab. I've decided to commit to to that never happening to me, and to helping my cousin in some way if possible.

I've already committed to bettering myself this year via meditation, yoga, and a quality diet. That stands -- and will help me.

I've also committed to having a great time in Germany without drinking any of that country's beer or other alcoholic beverages. I'll just have to find other fun stuff to do. Maybe try their chocolate. I have the language skills still to be able to explain to friends and relatives there why I'm not able to touch any of their home brew, regardless of how well made it might be.

Above all my main commitment stands: That's not just to abstain from drinking, but to build a great life.

Dee74

Sounds like a wise and wonderful decision to me Luke

D

Toronto68

Luke, not sure if you end up coming back to the site, but I was wondering whether the meeting you made a point of going to is what stirred up the questions for you, or if you had already been reflecting on the questions all along anyway. Did someone tell you that you needed to get going on the 12 Steps?

And why did you want to go to the meeting anyway, was it to sort of formalize it, celebrate it?

Building a life that works for you sounds like a good way to go to me, and it can include AA or not. Just know that there are people who go back to drinking with negative consequences (relapsing and getting worse) after staying away from it for a long time (I'm not going to get into "were they recovered or merely staying sober, were they spiritually fit by completing the Steps"). Really smart and caring people can lack the smarts that a problem drinker himself has and question whether they are an alcoholic. This is not helpful for the alcoholic, but the responsibility for getting in charge of not drinking is on the alcoholic. So if you lean toward confirming for yourself that you really are, then go with that understanding. I haven't been keeping track, but my sense me that the majority of the time the alcoholic was right to think they were one (not all times, the majority).

Kjell

Well said and very wise.

CarolD

Congratulations ....

The AA program is the Steps....
so if you decide to go to AA..Yes! commit to doing all of them.

LukeDrillhead

Before the meeting, I did have some nagging doubts, but the meeting is really what solidified them for me. When I saw others who had gone through way, way more turmoil related to alcohol and needed so much more support to keep from drinking it made me wonder if I'm really an alcoholic.

Pretty much. It was such a big milestone it seemed like I should do something to mark it, and also perhaps my presence could help others just starting. It was also to get a 1 year chip or coin. I was a little disappointed I didn't get one. In the Nebraska chapters you only get such a thing if you've been sponsored and have completed the 12 steps. A friend of mine in AA in Colorado says the chips happen at 1 year regardless of anything else as long as you've been sober a year. I was a little disappointed, but it's not that big of a deal.

CarolD

Hmm...
Most AA groups only buy a limited number of chips and medallions.
And some only give them to members of their group.
Had you visited in my home group...we would not have had
an extra 1 year medallion to present to you.

You can purchase all sorts of recovery items on line.
We can't post commercial links on SR.. ..but Google for Hazelden.