Nikkle

"no one ever wanted to be my friend."


I bet everything I own that is not true, Love.

Even if that nearly impossible statement was true, it is today that counts. I sent you a friend request over a week ago! You don't have to accept, but ya can't say no one wants to be your friend now!

Lushwell

Some feelings are justified. If we act like sh_t, we feel like sh_t.
Change the actions, the feelings will follow.

Save the drama and put energy into doing something with your alcoholism that doesn't endanger your children.

pinkfirefly

Nikkle, you said you sent me a friend request. i don't completely understand how this site works completely. where on here do i receive friend requests? because i would absolutely accept it. I'm still new at working every thing on this forum. if you could point me in the right direction. thanks

pinkfirefly

i found it.

TwoJacks

I am on Naltrexone and it really helps. Ask your doctor as it doesn't seem like much else is working for you.

pinkfirefly

i am a great mother. I really am. I love my kids so much. I take very good care of them. i feed them, clothe them, play with them, and i give them lots of love. they are too young to understand that their mommy has problems. and i am going to fix myself before they get older. i will never let them see me like this. i'm not gonna ruin their lives. i love them. they are my motivation. and my husband. i want to be the wife he deserves.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, pink, but a drunk mom is NOT a great mom. You are going through the motions of being a mom, and convincing yourself it isn't that bad. It IS that bad.

Kids can get into trouble in a hot instant. Suppose you were not in condition to rush your child to the doctor. Suppose you passed out and didn't know some disaster had happened.

And, believe it or not, you aren't really "there" when you are drinking--emotionally, that is.

You keep thinking you will get this under control "soon enough" not to hurt your family. You are already hurting them. And it won't be any easier if you wait.

I wasn't going to respond to this thread, because it seems like it's the same ol', same ol'. I don't know what else to say. You take some action to stop drinking or you don't. If you don't, nothing changes. On some level you must want to change, or you wouldn't be here. But I don't see you doing anything about it except crying about how bad things are or rationalizing that they aren't so bad after all.

pinkfirefly

how long did it take you to quit? i bet you didn't quit over night either. its not as easy as every one likes to make it out to be. i am trying to get help.

suki44883

Really, pink...who do you think you are talking to here? We are all alcoholics! We've all been where you are! We are giving you our best help, but you just won't do anything to help yourself. Until you do, nothing is going to change for the better in your life and in all likelihood, it's going to get much worse.

SSIL75

I listen to Dr. Radio (XM/Sirius) and there was a soundbite they'd play for a psych show with one of the doctor's saying how it's impossible to be an active addict and a good parent. I was drinking at the time and it cut me to the core every time. I even stopped listening to the station for a while.

But it's true. You really can't be a good mom and an alcoholic. It's very painful to admit, even now that I'm sober. But surely you must know it's true.

ITA with what Bulldog says about willpower. Yes I did 'let go' to the extent that I realized that I couldn't 'manage' drinking anymore. So I had to let go of all attempts to control my drinking. But damn right it was willpower that got me through the first weeks.

The equation gets thrown around here sometimes - You have to want to be sober more than you want to be drunk. And I mean want like you've never wanted anything in your life. Not just a 'it would be nice' or 'I should work on that' or 'tomorrow I'll google AA meetings'. But I real "NO MATTER WHAT, I will not drink".

I didn't get sober until I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started getting real. I was a ****** mother, wife, friend. I was digging myself an early grave. Selfish, bloated and approaching worthless. I loved alcohol more than anything or anyone in my life and it was my decision every.single.time I picked up a drink to put it ahead or everyone else in my life.

LexieCat

Respectfully, I do not see you trying to get help. You are still debating with yourself and doing what you can to convince yourself you don't need to actually DO anything.

I tried to moderate my drinking for four and a half years before I made my decision to quit drinking. I made my decision, I detoxed at home for three days, I poured out every drop of alcohol in the house and I went to my first AA meeting the next day. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and I have not had to pick up a drink since my first AA meeting.

IOW, once I knew and admitted what I was dealing with, I took action. DECISIVE action. Now, plenty of people have done the same thing but have had some slips along the way. I'm no "better" than they are. But many of the people I know who are happily and successfully sober picked themselves up after a slip and got right back to work.

Getting sober and staying that way takes effort and commitment. I haven't seen any of that in your posts. If you really want to get sober and stay that way, do the work.

undercoverangel

Pink, they may be too young to understand that mommy has problems but beleive me they know things aren't right in their world. You say you're going to fix yourself but you haven't put in a fair effort. Yes, we are all alcoholics and it's not easy to move out of our "comfort zone" but you need to start somewhere!! That's what everybody is trying to tell you, just make an effort every day to help yourself and get better for your kids, and for you. So many here have tried to help you but they can't take the steps for you. You Can have a better life, but you have to want it bad enough. The first step is getting rid of the alcohol. I wish you the best.

coop1

Question: Have you or are you going to drink today?

Antiderivative

This seems to be the given outcome of your drinking. Many, if not all of us, have been to this point. Guess what? This will be your typical outcome of your drinking, barring anything really bad happening. In fact, it is already your typical outcome. I bet it has been awhile that you woke up feeling great after drinking the night before.

You did make some good progress yesterday, so take some solace in that fact. You did post before you started to drink and put off your drinking for a little. However, next time work on not buying booze.

How do you stay away from that first drank?
1. Let go (i.e. surrender) of the struggle.
2. Think through the drink. Think of your final outcome which includes feeling miserable, disgust, and frustrated.
3. Distract yourself by doing something nice for yourself, your family, or others.
4. Invest into a new hobby.
5. Go to an AA meeting or other support group meeting.
6. Prayer, meditate, or do something relaxing.
7. Reach out for help before you drink or before you buy.


Here are some additional tips and information.
Alcoholics Anonymous - Living Sober

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-day-time.html

Here is some additional tips and information on letting go.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-t...eel-less-pain/

pinkfirefly

My son just smiled at me for the first time. he's so adorable. i love him. how about every one, i stop wasting all your time now. thank you for all the advice and help. but i don't want to dissapoint you all any more. i'll post again someday when i get my act together and stop drinking. because every one is mad at me, and i don't want to create any more drama. i will do it. ill prove it all to every one someday.

judykay

So glad you are trying - just sitting down to write your feelings will get you some time. I am new too. I have been sober 10 days. I go to the moment I am in and try to see something beyond - even the birds outside or the sound of the rain. I try to stay in that moment - grasp it and hold on. Knowing how sick alcohol is making you feel should be a giant sign that it is time to stop.

Keep talking and take a walk or get out of your house if you can.

People are here for you - and for me

Nikkle

I know in my heart who I am, who I want to be and who I need to be. If I drink, I end up doing the opposite of my true self. That does not change who I really am deep down inside, but it does change how I and others view me. It does affect the quality of my life and those who share it with me. It does bury my true self beneath the rubble of self-destruction and it does close doors, push people away and I miss the bus on certain opportunities. All that is just as true as who I really am. I must not give into the lie that I am what alcohol says I am, I must stop arguing with God over who He says I am, which is precious and fearfully and wonderfully made according to His good purpose. So I say, yes Pink, I believe you are a very good mom who loves your kids more than anything in the whole world, but alcohol is telling you and everyone else lies about you. Alcohol is purposely making you look bad, it's abusing you. It wants you to believe you are worthless and purposely pushes your buttons . It's like a controlling abusive mate that sweet talks you one moment, then kicks the crap out of you the next. It has made you afraid to go too far from its sight. It wants you all to itself, right now you are being held captive, but listen: Can you hear it? Freedom is calling to you! Right now, you are in the process of making your escape plan, once you do, you know there will be lots of people waiting for you to emerge and willing to help you get away. If someone on here says something to you in a way that hurts your feelings, try to remember not everyone expresses themselves in the same way, but they all have the same intention. They all CARE...even the mean ones!

Lushwell

12-30-10
12-05-10
And going back to 10-01-10
While a recovery is the desirable goal, the welfare of those two kids cannot be ignored. Silence is permission in the twisted world of alcoholism.

bdiddy5522

That is awesome that your son just smiled at you. Isn't being a parent the best?!?! Now imagine how happy that would make you if you weren't miserable on the inside? A guilt free, healthy, energetic mother. That is the life that awaits a sober you.

I know because I was right where you are. I remember looking at my newborn through drunk/hungover eyes, feeling so proud but feeling so empty at the same time. I even kept beer in my wife's hospital room for the two days I spent there before we all got to come home. How sick is that?!?! I couldn't go two days without drinking while our first child was being born?

I can promise you a life much better than what you are living once you get sober. Hugs and prayers to you.

Peter G

I just read this entire thread. Pink, do you realize just how many detrimental and life threatening circumstances any 100 of us have experienced, after saying that "we would never allow ___ to happen while drinking"? Was there ever a circumstance where I threatened my own life and the lives of those I loved out of choice? NO. Rotten, horrid, disgusting, tragic things happen when we drink Pink, independent of our intentions, independent of our own personal laws and rules. When we are drunk our rules don't apply. The bottle's rules apply.

You really need to understand the substance you are abusing. Plainly, it doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your kids, even though you do. It cares nothing about you and your dreams, internal rules, laws, wants. Although you might think you would NEVER let things happen that could affect your kids - like most of us have - $hit happens. $hit happens because the DRUG you're ingesting is highly capable of rendering you useless to stop any given situation from spiraling completely out of control.

When IT decides to intoxicate you more than you expected, the results may be so horrible you can't even fathom it, but don't fool yourself. The worst case scenario is entirely possible to a drunk, even on our best days. THESE ARE THE FACTS. Ask anyone in jail for killing a family after driving drunk if they set out to kill that family. Ask anyone in jail after having stabbed or shot their spouse in a drunken black out if they wanted to kill the person they loved more than life itself. Ask any mother who fell asleep drunk with dinner on the stove on and burned down their home, killing her children and husband, if she set out for that end result. They didn't. They all said the exact same things to their own conscience that you are tricking yourself into believing now.

When alcohol wants to put you to sleep, you will sleep. Baby crying or not. When alcohol wants you to black out and commit insane activities, you will do it. You will do it because that is exactly what alcohol can do to us, on any given day.

I'm sorry to be abrupt here Pink but My God, don't you hear what you are saying? Read it back. How do you expect to stop alcohol from doing to you what it's done successfully to so many people just like you? Do you have a magic liver? Magic brain? Nope. None of us did. Yet we drank as if we did all the time. It's not our fault P, it's our illness, your illness, and there are people here who have been where you are - in that exact same position, trying to help.

You need to stop thinking about yourself momentarily, stop numbing your own pain momentarily, and get to the place where people can truly HELP you get and remain sober. They know what they're on about. Hell, hate yourself the whole way there, but GO. Shake with cravings and want for a drink the entire trip, but go. Beat yourself up all you want over your low self esteem, and the issues you have that basically mirror the problems many of us have faced. Just go anyway. You've said it yourself, you hate yourself but love your children. Well, isn't part of LOVE putting your children before your own ego and issues? Put your kids before your problems with alcohol right now and get to an AA meeting. Explain this stuff to someone there, open up to someone with long term sobriety that has worked the program successfully. People there know how to help you and will do so selflessly. Hell, the people here in this thread are telling you what is needed. I'm telling you. Let us help! Just don't question these things, do them and argue on it later. Action is the thing required from you, or things can get so much worse for you, very quickly.

Make NO mistake about it Pink, at your stage of this disease, every new drinking day is NOTHING more than a brand new game of roulette, nothing more than handing the welfare of your children over to the addiction that has already betrayed you millions of times. You're dancing at the edge of a cliff with your babies in your arms Pink. Stop it now. Step back a few feet from that fall please. Do it for them.