Bad patterns, and the pain we are used to
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Bad patterns, and the pain we are used to
Hey people,
I had some strange realization today that I want to share because it also applied to alcohol for me. A month and a half back, I had some um...nearly romantic involvement witn a guy who ultimately proceeded to treat me pretty badly and was emotionally indifferent. It didn't work out, but now I see that I dodged a bullet there, and that it is actually a good thing that no relationship came out of it. But it's a painful experience to be not treated well nonetheless and I gotta admit it still bothers me to some extent. But I didn't drink over that.
And today it finally hit me: The situation, and the behaviour of that man resembled so much that of an emotionally abusive/ indifferent ex-boxfriend from my early twenties.Back then, it was after that bad breakup that my drinking problem really started to escalate. This time, I was sober and extremely thankful for being, because I could process it properly.
Subconsciously, out of all the men I could podssibly fall in love with, I chose one that was not fit at all for me and that would exhibit the same behaviours that hurt me back then. I was just wondering, why do I have to repeat this again?
Maybe sometimes, the patterns that somewhere along the way became part of how we act mock us. And make us feel like it is more comfortable and less scary to do something that is bad and negative for us, but that we know and thus is predictable, than to try to go some new ways that are unknown and ultimately feel less safe because the outcome is unforseeable. Drinking was like that too, in the end. I was desperate, in pain, but it was something I was used to. Admitting that I am an alcoholic and taking action to recover was the unknown and scary.
But once we recognize these patterns, these circles we're caught in, they lose much of their power over our lives. It allows us to move forward and grow, and do things in a different way the next time. And I'm thankful that I experience pain, as well as happiness clear-headed.Today, I'm thankful for what I learned from these experiences.
Thanks for reading, Lionne
I had some strange realization today that I want to share because it also applied to alcohol for me. A month and a half back, I had some um...nearly romantic involvement witn a guy who ultimately proceeded to treat me pretty badly and was emotionally indifferent. It didn't work out, but now I see that I dodged a bullet there, and that it is actually a good thing that no relationship came out of it. But it's a painful experience to be not treated well nonetheless and I gotta admit it still bothers me to some extent. But I didn't drink over that.
And today it finally hit me: The situation, and the behaviour of that man resembled so much that of an emotionally abusive/ indifferent ex-boxfriend from my early twenties.Back then, it was after that bad breakup that my drinking problem really started to escalate. This time, I was sober and extremely thankful for being, because I could process it properly.
Subconsciously, out of all the men I could podssibly fall in love with, I chose one that was not fit at all for me and that would exhibit the same behaviours that hurt me back then. I was just wondering, why do I have to repeat this again?
Maybe sometimes, the patterns that somewhere along the way became part of how we act mock us. And make us feel like it is more comfortable and less scary to do something that is bad and negative for us, but that we know and thus is predictable, than to try to go some new ways that are unknown and ultimately feel less safe because the outcome is unforseeable. Drinking was like that too, in the end. I was desperate, in pain, but it was something I was used to. Admitting that I am an alcoholic and taking action to recover was the unknown and scary.
But once we recognize these patterns, these circles we're caught in, they lose much of their power over our lives. It allows us to move forward and grow, and do things in a different way the next time. And I'm thankful that I experience pain, as well as happiness clear-headed.Today, I'm thankful for what I learned from these experiences.
Thanks for reading, Lionne
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 197
HI
The question as to why you fall for this guy, I'd say is simple...
In general a player as you know is handsome and is "in" the market constantly searching for women. They can go from one women to the next with little feelings involved. If this man didn't willing-fully try to talk to you you wouldn't have got together.
So I wouldn't say you are attracted to bad men per say... but that's just what the market had 'in stock' where you shopped.
I learned a good bit ago that falling in love with a person and losing them is not the end of the world. The reason is the two people are just as lost. Each have their own issues. there are just far too many other issues to worry about than if a person wants to be around you or not.
The question as to why you fall for this guy, I'd say is simple...
In general a player as you know is handsome and is "in" the market constantly searching for women. They can go from one women to the next with little feelings involved. If this man didn't willing-fully try to talk to you you wouldn't have got together.
So I wouldn't say you are attracted to bad men per say... but that's just what the market had 'in stock' where you shopped.
I learned a good bit ago that falling in love with a person and losing them is not the end of the world. The reason is the two people are just as lost. Each have their own issues. there are just far too many other issues to worry about than if a person wants to be around you or not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Great post Lionne!
I think one of the biggest things I am working on since getting sober is seeing patterns of behavior and breaking them.
It sure isn't easy but its a lot easier sober than drunk as a skunk!!!
I think one of the biggest things I am working on since getting sober is seeing patterns of behavior and breaking them.
It sure isn't easy but its a lot easier sober than drunk as a skunk!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Lionne...I have the ODDEST circles of life that I can NEVER figure out. I always think that with each experience we should learn something..but sometimes there are no logical answers. This is a minor example but my married name is my mothers maiden name. My former husbands brother married a woman that has my maiden name. EXACTLY first middle and last name. They got married way before we met..I had to show them my drivers license because they didn't believe it when I first met them. My dearest friend that died in 2000 (met him in Wyoming) hung out with my former husbands uncle (they are from Oklahoma) and neither my ex or him had seen each other in years and we all end up in this small town working at the same place. There are many more but this is just a few. I just got out of what was an abusive relationship with him but there was apologies from him so I let him back into my life. It has been ongoing for 25 yrs..I certainly want to learn something from that.
I guess I did learn something. Leaving this all behind I finally got sober. And now..the reasons don't matter as much. I am happy and at peace. FINALLY!
I guess I did learn something. Leaving this all behind I finally got sober. And now..the reasons don't matter as much. I am happy and at peace. FINALLY!
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
@tooling
Actually, the situation was a bit different, but ultimately you're right with what you say., so here's some clarification.
I actually don't blame the other person, nor do I feel victimized. This guy was not a player or a bad man per se. Just someone( who, I'm sure for some his own reasons), is insecureand dysfunctional when it comes to realtionships and played down his insecurities by not treating me very good. I think the hurt he caused me was not even on purpose, but the results were all the same.
What I meant to say is that I was looking for something in a person that couldn't possibly give that to me, and that I noticed that it is something dysfunctional, that has been recurrent in my interpersonal relationships. with alcohol, it was the same, I was searching for comfort, relief, security at the bottom of a bottle again and again although it couldn't ever possibly find it there. But I rather did it again and again and suffered because it was pain that I was used to. It was, for much too long, less scary than the painful things I had to unearth to recover. And only now that I'm sober that i can see these things more clearly.
Actually, the situation was a bit different, but ultimately you're right with what you say., so here's some clarification.
I actually don't blame the other person, nor do I feel victimized. This guy was not a player or a bad man per se. Just someone( who, I'm sure for some his own reasons), is insecureand dysfunctional when it comes to realtionships and played down his insecurities by not treating me very good. I think the hurt he caused me was not even on purpose, but the results were all the same.
What I meant to say is that I was looking for something in a person that couldn't possibly give that to me, and that I noticed that it is something dysfunctional, that has been recurrent in my interpersonal relationships. with alcohol, it was the same, I was searching for comfort, relief, security at the bottom of a bottle again and again although it couldn't ever possibly find it there. But I rather did it again and again and suffered because it was pain that I was used to. It was, for much too long, less scary than the painful things I had to unearth to recover. And only now that I'm sober that i can see these things more clearly.
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