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why do i keep doing this - i hate my self

Old 01-08-2011, 11:22 PM
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why do i keep doing this - i hate my self

I hate my self right now, I am sitting here drunk and can not sleep - I stoped drinking a few months ago, I am an alcoholic i can't stop drinking. I go a few months and then start again i hate this. my father was a alcoholic and i saw what it did to him. i can remember listening to him throw up at a young age and it killed me to hear that pain. I told myself i would never get to that place and now here i am - sore stomach, high blood pressure losing my hair, stressed out drinking to much and don't know my limit. I want to stop. I want to stop for my family please god why do i keep doing this. i hate that i can't control my self.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:34 PM
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Other than that it was my mom who was/is a drinker and I'm not losing my hair I could have wrote your post. Just remember that there is hope and don't beat yourself up too bad if you stumble (as I did this week) stick around and talk about it and keep your chin up. Good luck.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:36 PM
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Hi Dessycate

Coming is a good step - you'll find a lot of support here.
What else have you tried in the past?

D
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:39 PM
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I heard someone say last night at an AA meeting...

"My problem isn't stopping, It's starting again after I have stopped drinking."

When there is a pattern of drinking, getting sober, staying sober for a little while, with a return to drinking, ...sober, drunk, repeat..., that this is proof that we are powerless over alcohol.

If we can get sober, but cannot stay sober that is very serious.

Someone told me that if you are in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and this happens, that you should go back to the chapter called More About Alcoholism.

There it says that we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.

What does concede mean?

Concede...Give up...done...Hit bottom, ask for help. Go to any lengths to get help, get support, work the program outlined in the book, get involved in the fellowship of AA.

I am in AA, so I hope you don't mind that I respond with AA as one solution that may help.

I heard a man share last week, that there are so many people in and out of AA. He said it's not enough to want to be sober, we have to do something. We have to do the work.

What is the work?

Get to AA, meet some people that have shared the same experience as you and ask them.

Ask someone to get in the book with you, and show you the way out.
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Old 01-08-2011, 11:52 PM
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in the past I tried cold turkey, I stopped drinking for months at a time then some how a bottle of wine would show up in the house, because someone "gave" it to us as a gift / or some beer would be bought for "cooking" with - I have a rib recipe that includes 3 beers, and my ribs are amazing - woman and men i dont even know that have tasted them have walked up to me and told me they would marry me if i cooked for them my ribs.

I stopped a few months ago - i myself bought beer last month because my wife and i wanted ribs, thus i drank the rest of the 6 pack - 3 beers moved onto me buying more beer the next week. not for cooking but for myself to have 1 or 2 a night - then today for the football game i bought a 12pack for use in some hot wings. I knew what the hell i was doing. I bought that beer to get drunk, but i didn't control my self I let not only me but my family down - i am a father of 2 beatuifull daughters, 1 is 2 and 1/2 now, and the other is almost 12 weeeks old. I am crying right now because I bought that beer to get drunk tonight, and i did. , not only did i drink most of my 12 pack but my friends that came over to watch the game with me brought over a 12 pack of there own, i think i drank 6 out of theirs. I am so upset with myself.

my throught process is really messed up, I was sober for so long about 6 or 7 months, and now im back to square 1. my family is sleeping right now and im trying to be a better man and not beat myself up. but i really hate myself right now.

I apreshate the AA quotes. I have never been to AA, my father has been in AA, and he still goes. my problem with AA is its hard for me to make time to go, not only that but I am embarssed for myself that i NEED to go. I am ashamed of my adiction and i dont know how to get over that.
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Old 01-09-2011, 12:26 AM
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in the past drinking has landed me in the er from various reasons. 1 being i drank so much I got poisoned and the ER people had to medacate me to keep me from throwing up again allover them. and another time I landed in the ER from so much pain from drinking my body was starting to shut down, my liver test came back so bad the doctor looked me in the eyes and told me i m going to die if i dont stop drinking. my dauther was in the room she was a little more then a year old and the look in her eyes as they put the tubes in me was like I was allready dead.

I want to be there for my kids, i want to live a healthly life I want to be the best I can be not only for my family but for me. I want to make my self proud

i have been having horeable pains in my head , like the right side just throbs, I have high blood pressure, and my tri glissorides are off the chart last time i was as the doc was 8 months ago. he told me i needed to stop drinking again

I find myself lashing out at people and my kids not because im drunk - when im sober - i do this, lashing out as in putting my problems on them - making my adaction not my problem but theirs becuase i drink to be happy or drink to just drink for my own pleasure. its awefull.

tonight I passed out and woke up stil drunk I really need help, I woke up in cold sweat, and my body shivering - i took my daugters pedia light and i feel better. but emotionally i fee wose because now i need to go buy her pedia light because i needed it to feel better.

my stomach is cramping and jaw is tense like its sore from something , i might have been yelling to much at the tv duing the game who knows, it like im another person and that person is someone who i dont want to be around.
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Old 01-09-2011, 12:45 AM
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I found the only way to change my life was to make changes dessycrate - don't let your shame or pride or fear or whatever else you're feeling stop you from reaching out.

Find some help - whatever way you want to go...it can be the start of the kind of life you want to lead and the the kind of man you want to be.

Here's some links to the main recovery players -maybe something here can be a start.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

D
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Old 01-09-2011, 01:31 AM
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm also a chronic relapser, I started again with day 1 today. Personally, I am in AA so I know my problem stems from not really accepting step 1 -- admitting that I am powerless over alcohol -- because every time I have relapsed it's because I told myself I could just have one glass of wine to get through the panic attack, loneliness, etc... and three days later I was in my bed having been drinking the entire time.

I know you feel ashamed, but AA meetings can really help with that because you meet a lot of people who have the same problem you do, and you see that many of them are very smart, professional people who just have a disease. It's so important not to feel alone in recovery and even if you don't agree with doing the 12 steps etc., AA is a great place to just go and not feel alone.

Good luck and just keep trying. You can do it.

GG
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Old 01-09-2011, 03:29 AM
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Hi D. Your posts are chock full of what you want to be so, and what you'd prefer not to be true. As if that matters in the least.

You'd rather not to be an alcoholic and required to do lots of difficult things to recover, and you'd like to live to be there for your children, and you don't want to be like your Dad, and, and and.

Guess it's time to figure out what's the reality in your situation and decide if you want the things you want badly enough to do the things you don't want to do, in order to get the more important things you want.

After you come down on the usual side people do when they hurt enough, then it's time to figure out how little of what you don't want to do, you actually have to do to get what you want. My experience is you have to do far, far more than you'd prefer was so.

But, as you go along you'll find that out.

If you can watch others failing by not doing enough and learn from them, then you could possibly short cut the usual process. Just a tip.
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Old 01-09-2011, 03:35 AM
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I have two requests. 1) Find an AA meeting and go to it. It is not that bad, really. Everyone there is there for the same reason, a drinking problem.

2) The next time you make ribs, do not use beer. I will bet everybody will be very happy with your ribs. In fact, I will bet no one notices the difference.
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Old 01-09-2011, 03:59 AM
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There Is A Solution: (chapter in the book Alcoholics Anonymous)

We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.

This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
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Old 01-09-2011, 04:34 AM
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Hi Dessy!

Sorry you are having a hard time...I'm glad you drank your daughters pedia lite if it helped you.

Its great you made it 7 months withojut help....I'm impressed! But that's the hard way...its easier to do it with help....what's more embarressing....going to AA or dying of alcoholism? If AA isn't your thing try something else...but try.

Getting sober involves work but it is worth it.

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Old 01-09-2011, 07:17 AM
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We all used to drink because we're alcoholics, but our drinking was made easier by certain triggers, situations, and thought patterns. Staying sober seems to include understanding them and deflecting them when we see them coming. AA can help with this. So can various outpatient programs. You might try googling "Alcoholism treatment" in your town.

As far as being ashamed, don't be. One of my groups includes a doctor, lawyer, a local newscaster, and the superintendent of a local school district. This disease affects all types of people.
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Old 01-09-2011, 08:06 AM
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I stopped and started and stopped and started so many times and each time woke up hating myself. I don't know why I kept on torturing myself either. It IS possible to stay sober, AA is one way but there are other ways too. I see an addiction counselor once a week and she's a lot of help, as is the support I get here. Don't give up. Keep trying until you 'get it'.
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Old 01-09-2011, 08:25 AM
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If you were in this much agony because of diabetes, you'd be in an ER right now. AA is to alcoholism what the ER is to physical trauma. It can end the suffering. There will be a recover period. How long and how painful that will be is really up to you. Sobering up is scary. Terrifying. Confront the fear and go to AA. What you are doing is dying. One dramatic, lonely, excruciating drink at a time. There is a way out. This can change. You are the one that decides when.
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Old 01-09-2011, 08:25 AM
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Welcome to our recovery community.....

Your Dad can be a big help to you...please allow
his positive experiences to move you out of the misery.

Blessings to you and your family
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Old 01-09-2011, 08:45 AM
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Dessy - You sound like a man who, if he gets and stays sober, will be a really amazing father and person. You are the only father your children will ever have. Don't forget that.

Some people, when they get sober, are still kind of a jerk, let's face it. But sobriety will not be wasted on you, you'd be an awesome sober person. You made the time to drink and recover from hangovers, now make the the time to go to meetings. They'll save your life.

You can do it.
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Old 01-09-2011, 11:54 AM
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thank you everyone for your responses,

Last night around 3am i woke my wife to feed our new born, and pulled her to the computer, to show her that i started this thread.
She stood up and hugged me not saying a thing - then after reading all the information i put here she told me - that she will help me .

I know i will need more help, last time i tried quiting i was hiding beer and wine in the garage and would get into it after the she and the kids went to bed, i would get drunk wasting my self between 11pm and 3am. waking up hungover.

venting here helps i never really sat down and told anyone what i do, how i drunk and for that matter why i drink.

i feel a little better now knowing that today is the first day of the rest of my life, I searched for AA in my town and i found one. I have not called yet, i plan on to later today.

my triggers for drinking , i have yet to understand them. I drink usally to get the stress away and or get into my own world, as it would be late night drinking. Im trying to figure out that myself but talking about it to my wife helps.
I know she will help, but some times i want to vent to someone else as i don't want to put her into the poisition that its her fault why i drink or defect my addiction onto her as im using her as my scap goat. so it's going to be hard but i think AA is the soultion now and her as a back up.

she is a stronger person then i am when it comes to alcohol, she can have 1 or 2 drinks and just stop, i asked her how she can do that and she told me she dosn't like the feeling of being drunk. I dont see how anyone would not like the feeling, to me its nubbing sensation and how i feel being drunk is what keeps be coming back to the alcohol. this might be harder then i thought.
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Old 01-09-2011, 12:10 PM
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Hi Dessycrate. What you're feeling is the RESULT of drinking. If you can remove the alcohol it's very likely that the feelings you are having will cease. I have been sober for a little while now and I still have problems, but self hatred is not one of them. When I was drinking I did hate myself for a long time. Drinking dominated my life. I was either drinking, planning on drinking, planning on not drinking, or hungover. It consumed me.

I have found AA, this site, different books, and a plan of action that has helped replace the space that alcohol used to attempt to fill. I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now, but just know that you can change. If we work a plan of recovery more will be revealed to us. In other words, you can look forward to growing as a person. It's all about small steps.

For me, when I was active in my disease I saw my flaws and had no idea on how they would ever change. I set forth so many ways to tackle them and change them. I had little patience and was very hard on myself. I would (without fail) fall short of the changes and return to what I knew, alcohol. I would then drink for a time, get sick of it, then try and change everything at once again. Fail, and repeat.... It was so frustrating and I arrived at the point of being hopeless.

Today, I try and live day by day. I try and force my actions (in spite of my feelings / thoughts). I don't try and score an 80 point touchdown. In other words, I try and chip away daily and just try and be a better person in the here and now. In doing this, I have learned to accept myself better and I am in a much better place.

Best of luck to you. Change is not easy, but it is obtainable.
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Old 01-09-2011, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Dessycrate View Post
...I want to stop for my family please god why do i keep doing this. i hate that i can't control my self.
Someone wrote a book titled "There is more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking".

I had to treat the root causes of my drinking before I could be comfortable enough in my own skin to not want to escape from reality. Not drinking (even for years) does not treat those root causes.
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