lilac0721

Insanity is knowing that drinking is bad for me; knowing that even if I have *only* one on a given night, I'll be drinking a whole bottle 3 nights later. Insanity is hitting bottom by drinking 2 liters of vodka within three days and checking myself into rehab. Insanity is learning all about alcohlism in rehab and through lots of AA meetings and continuing to try again and again over a two year period.

Insanity is getting up at 5am to workout because it is a good way to start my day, and ending the day battling the desire to drink even though I have good health and a promising career which has barely launched because of my repeated bouts with drinking.

Insanity is even contemplating a drink, which I am, in spite of the fact that every ounce of my being knows it violates what matters to me: getting my fitness back (6minute miles, please), getting back on top of my finances, getting my career on track, having better friendships and relationships with family, and moving forward with my career. And all the other things that have been put on hold.

Insanity is how much of a grip alcohol has on me. Please, let go, you devil vodka!

Kjell

AA meetings are great, but that's only 1/3 of the process. What step did you get too? What's your sponsor say about this?

Insanity at this point is not going to AA and actually working the steps, getting a sponsor, doing 90 meetings in 90 days, following direction.

Why not go get some help? It sounds like you need a design for living without alcohol.

AA removed my obession for drinking, but I'm not special. It can work for you too, but you already know that.

Do something, anything, everything different.

Kjell

rws177

Your insanity sounds very familar to what mine used to be especially since I started with beer but vodka was my poisen at the end.

I hope you can stop that cycle because I must say it feels great being able to build relationships, work the steps and just enjoy life with out that dreaded drink!!

ZZworldontheweb

Stay strong sister. Surf the urge and remind yourself where it's going. It only goes one way and you know that.

This might seem trivial, but it worked for me. Have you tried "snap" therapy? Wearing a rubber band around your wrist, and when you have an urge to drink, snapping it and saying "NO!" Not a panacea but just an additional precaution. I don't think I ever had to actually use it, but for the first 3 months or so of sobriety I wore a rubber band. It kept my sobriety in the forefront of my mind and was comforting. Like it was my watchdog.

Also maybe try some additional exercise in the evening. Just a walk if nothing else. "Move a muscle, change a thought".

Also, you've said before that job anxiety can sometimes contribute. Is that stressing you out? If so, is it a real challenge or a mountain vs molehill thing?

lilac0721

ZZ...all good advice! I have not tried the rubber band thing, but have heard about it. I have been doing the close my eyes and do deep breathing instead. It seems to work. As for the work stress, the stress itself doesn't get to me all the time, just when (like recently) I realize that there is not enough time in a day to do everything I need to do. I just have to remind myself that I am doing my best and that the nature of the job is to be constantly overwhelmed and not quite "on top" of my workload. Great situation for a perfectionist. But I can learn how to handle it in a better way than in the past.

It's all a learning and growing experience. It's not gonna kill me. THAT is a huge revelation for me!

Shoei

This was me exactly, to a tee, 100% in every detail. I'm not sure where you are at Lilac but I have been sober since the middle of June and all those things listed above have, in my life been transformed since I quit. Finances, relationships, the lot. In particular my job. I too have a very stressful job at times and looking back I really don't know how I managed since I was on a good day operating at about 50% capacity. Now, although there are stressful times, peoples lives at stake, being sober I have that extra capacity to deal with things and everything seems so much easier. I have to pinch myself sometimes as the turn around has been so dramatic in such a short space of time. Stick with it Lilac, it is so worth it.

gravity

I was in the same situation 3 years ago. I got a sponsor, worked the steps to the best of my ability, and listened to the oldtimers. Suck it up and do it.