Removing all the old 'people, places and things' from your life
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Removing all the old 'people, places and things' from your life
It seems my old drinking life is still very fresh and always close at hand. I hung out with an old drinking friend yesterday, sober with no mention of drinking nor was sobriety a topic of discussion, we just sort of hung out 'neither here nor there' so to speak. But afterwards and all day today I had this really toxic, depressed feeling that I can't really explain. But I think it's really that I'm not letting go and removing all the elements (people, places and things) from my former drinking career which I need to do. I just feel like a jerk, or that I'm being overzealous by kicking these people and old habits out of my life, especially when they already know I'm struggling.
Does anyone have a take on this?
Does anyone have a take on this?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Well in my experiance Iv'e found that the people who truely care about me have supported my sobriety. Last night I had some friends over to watch the UFC and they were ok with not drinking. Granted there was only 5 of them and in the past there would have been 10+ but I would rather just have the people around who really care about me. After a while I quit missing the bar scene as well. It was hard at first though giving up certain places and people, however I have to protect my sobriety because without it I'll have nothing in life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
For the first year i had to stay away from anyone associated with the drinking times...it had exactly the same effect you describe before...after a year i re-connected with a couple of guys and meet up with them every few months for a couple of hours...one we go for lunch and the other coffee for me and beers for him:-)
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,365
I just feel like a jerk, or that I'm being overzealous by kicking these people and old habits out of my life, especially when they already know I'm struggling.
Does anyone have a take on this?
Does anyone have a take on this?
But they couldn't understand I was killing myself...maybe they didn't want to, I dunno.
Time and again I let myself be talked into 'just one'...which was never of course just one.
I wouldn't be here if I stayed with their lifestyle. It's as simple as that.
I wouldn't have found all the good things I've found - including friends now who support my decision to stay sober.
But I had to change yeah - and that engendered some sadness on both sides....and some goodbyes
Sometimes people grow in different directions Penny....
D
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 117
I would not feel badly about surrendering people, places and things
which may compromise your life or spiritual life and your sobriety. But I can relate to the
part about feeling kind of sad about it. I am not an addict, but a friend of mine was a recovering addict and alcoholic, having had used some substance or other on and off since his childhood.
The interesting thing about the 12 steps and the recovery community is you sometimes hear more about words like detaching and surrender for and about what the addict should do, as opposed to the friends and family who have cared for them. After prayer and a lot of reflection with my own dear loved ones, I knew it was the time to give my addict friend to God, and surrender all my ability to help, or be a friend to my Maker ( i.e give my friend to my Maker).
It was a hard thing to do. For a time my friend wrote back upset and wanting a communique, yet at the time I knew my going was the right thing to do. When you know better you do better.
Probably, in my case, I knew better, meant well, but tried to hang around and befriend longer than I would have normally. There were a few reasons why I had to go, not the least of which was the effect spiritually and personally bad company and continued drug abuse was having on him and how that came out on a friend, in this case, me. Sometimes really very harsh and confused hurtful words and things thought or said about me. All untrue..Yet I had remained a faithful friend for awhile, best I could..
That was when I began to think about words like "surrender" and similar ideas so frequently used in recovery circles. It has taken some time to heal, and still is from this experience, the sad part is that in the end I believe I was maybe mis perceived when I left, with maybe the implication I was not a good friend or something like that, but in my heart knew giving the friend to God was the right thing to do. It took a lot of faith and
trust and I am still healing.
We want to go back and explain to friends. We want to make something right. We want to clear up any misperceptions about ourselves or false things. We want to -for those with faith-take it out of God's hands, as it were, and try to see if "we" can say or do something more to make it 'right'? Not saying this is you. But sometimes, I think, even though well meaning, we do. Maybe this is not you, but this is some of the thinking I went through as I left that friend.
For me, it took an extraordinary leap of faith and trust in God to let my friend go, for a few reasons. Now the place where I am not in contact with him, but can kind of glean how he's doing, seems to be a closed door as well. Now, in his life, I feel I am about as on the outsider as outside can be.
I came here for me and to learn more about addiction and get somehow some more closure. I am very fascinated by the ideas of surrender and detachment, because they open a door to the Higher Power (God for me), who can handle things very well-thanks very much :^) -without any aide or 'help' from me. Which is not to say addicts who have surrendered friendships or friends and loved ones of them have not been well intended in trying to befriend or help the friend or family who is an addict.
Speaking for myself, I can only say learning and reading more about experiences of surrender in the recovery community has helped me deal with my own concerns and sadness or residual grief from trying to befriend someone who, though I'll always be a friend to in spirit, at this time the communique has come to an end.
I hope this reply helps somehow. Just to say, I understand, it is normal and human to miss a friend. Even ones who may have not always had your best interest in mind. It's normal to care. It's normal to feel badly when friendships must be surrendered and communique must end.
I still feel kind of hurt and sad about my friend.
It's possible, on some level, I always will!
But, I am learning, each day now, about real surrender in the spiritual sense, and a healthy kind of detachment.
That does not make me bad or cold.
It does not mean that the friendships never existed or that the good that was shared is forgotten or was not ever there.
It just means that sometimes in life, we come up against, or into, experiences,
where our options to be present in the situation, or help, in a healthy way we may want, are somewhat removed, gone or limited.
This does not make us bad people because in those times we must surrender a friendship or something or someone who is now gone.
In life there are times to embrace and times to refrain from embracing.
I know sometimes it is easier said than done.
But have comfort in knowing when you have done the right thing.
This may be for some the most hard part of all.
It is so in our human nature to want to
"do something!!!!"
Yet, the act of surrender is something.
It's a very big something indeed.
Anyway, these are some of my thoughts and feelings coming off of the tails of some of my own hurt, sadness and grief from a friendship with an addict.
I hope that some of these words may help you.
Be consoled to know that, though it sometimes may hurt and seem hard and not easy,
sometimes, to relinquish friends to God as you know Him may be the most kind and consciously decent thing one can do.
If not for their sake, at least for your own, and sometimes, as it works out, for both people, all things being, well, equal.
So, I call this time re my friend, refrain from embracing, the spiritual embrace of a friend, as I surrender him to One who knows him so much better than me.
This has been the mini version of *my experience.
I encourage you sounds like you are doing the right thing.
which may compromise your life or spiritual life and your sobriety. But I can relate to the
part about feeling kind of sad about it. I am not an addict, but a friend of mine was a recovering addict and alcoholic, having had used some substance or other on and off since his childhood.
The interesting thing about the 12 steps and the recovery community is you sometimes hear more about words like detaching and surrender for and about what the addict should do, as opposed to the friends and family who have cared for them. After prayer and a lot of reflection with my own dear loved ones, I knew it was the time to give my addict friend to God, and surrender all my ability to help, or be a friend to my Maker ( i.e give my friend to my Maker).
It was a hard thing to do. For a time my friend wrote back upset and wanting a communique, yet at the time I knew my going was the right thing to do. When you know better you do better.
Probably, in my case, I knew better, meant well, but tried to hang around and befriend longer than I would have normally. There were a few reasons why I had to go, not the least of which was the effect spiritually and personally bad company and continued drug abuse was having on him and how that came out on a friend, in this case, me. Sometimes really very harsh and confused hurtful words and things thought or said about me. All untrue..Yet I had remained a faithful friend for awhile, best I could..
That was when I began to think about words like "surrender" and similar ideas so frequently used in recovery circles. It has taken some time to heal, and still is from this experience, the sad part is that in the end I believe I was maybe mis perceived when I left, with maybe the implication I was not a good friend or something like that, but in my heart knew giving the friend to God was the right thing to do. It took a lot of faith and
trust and I am still healing.
We want to go back and explain to friends. We want to make something right. We want to clear up any misperceptions about ourselves or false things. We want to -for those with faith-take it out of God's hands, as it were, and try to see if "we" can say or do something more to make it 'right'? Not saying this is you. But sometimes, I think, even though well meaning, we do. Maybe this is not you, but this is some of the thinking I went through as I left that friend.
For me, it took an extraordinary leap of faith and trust in God to let my friend go, for a few reasons. Now the place where I am not in contact with him, but can kind of glean how he's doing, seems to be a closed door as well. Now, in his life, I feel I am about as on the outsider as outside can be.
I came here for me and to learn more about addiction and get somehow some more closure. I am very fascinated by the ideas of surrender and detachment, because they open a door to the Higher Power (God for me), who can handle things very well-thanks very much :^) -without any aide or 'help' from me. Which is not to say addicts who have surrendered friendships or friends and loved ones of them have not been well intended in trying to befriend or help the friend or family who is an addict.
Speaking for myself, I can only say learning and reading more about experiences of surrender in the recovery community has helped me deal with my own concerns and sadness or residual grief from trying to befriend someone who, though I'll always be a friend to in spirit, at this time the communique has come to an end.
I hope this reply helps somehow. Just to say, I understand, it is normal and human to miss a friend. Even ones who may have not always had your best interest in mind. It's normal to care. It's normal to feel badly when friendships must be surrendered and communique must end.
I still feel kind of hurt and sad about my friend.
It's possible, on some level, I always will!
But, I am learning, each day now, about real surrender in the spiritual sense, and a healthy kind of detachment.
That does not make me bad or cold.
It does not mean that the friendships never existed or that the good that was shared is forgotten or was not ever there.
It just means that sometimes in life, we come up against, or into, experiences,
where our options to be present in the situation, or help, in a healthy way we may want, are somewhat removed, gone or limited.
This does not make us bad people because in those times we must surrender a friendship or something or someone who is now gone.
In life there are times to embrace and times to refrain from embracing.
I know sometimes it is easier said than done.
But have comfort in knowing when you have done the right thing.
This may be for some the most hard part of all.
It is so in our human nature to want to
"do something!!!!"
Yet, the act of surrender is something.
It's a very big something indeed.
Anyway, these are some of my thoughts and feelings coming off of the tails of some of my own hurt, sadness and grief from a friendship with an addict.
I hope that some of these words may help you.
Be consoled to know that, though it sometimes may hurt and seem hard and not easy,
sometimes, to relinquish friends to God as you know Him may be the most kind and consciously decent thing one can do.
If not for their sake, at least for your own, and sometimes, as it works out, for both people, all things being, well, equal.
So, I call this time re my friend, refrain from embracing, the spiritual embrace of a friend, as I surrender him to One who knows him so much better than me.
This has been the mini version of *my experience.
I encourage you sounds like you are doing the right thing.
re the value of surrender and old friends, etc. Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It took me being 8 months sober before i was ready to sit with an old drinking pal and have a coffee whilst he had a couple of beers...in that time i did a lot of work on myself and was absent from all old "friends" for that time...
He is the only one i will sit with now and do this so i "lost" over a dozen drinking pals when i got sober...i mean who wants to hang round with someone who doesnt drink when you are a drinker yourself...and vice versa...
I didn't declare that i was off and didn't look at it forever...i did what a lot of people do just disappeared from the scene and never went back and then figured out after i had done all the work who, if anyone, i wanted to connect back into...
He is the only one i will sit with now and do this so i "lost" over a dozen drinking pals when i got sober...i mean who wants to hang round with someone who doesnt drink when you are a drinker yourself...and vice versa...
I didn't declare that i was off and didn't look at it forever...i did what a lot of people do just disappeared from the scene and never went back and then figured out after i had done all the work who, if anyone, i wanted to connect back into...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 265
If this person does not drink in front of you or tempt you to drink, if you have a friendship that is deeper than just alcohol, if they respect your need for sobriety even if just by simply not making any alcohol related comments, I would think that is a friend worth keeping. Maybe this friend is quiet about the subject because they are now thinking about their own potential issues? I agree you must put distance between people who may bring you down, but so far, from your description of your friend, he/she is not one of them. I remember as a teen, when I became a Christian, I thought I needed to cut every friend out of my life that didn't talk about Jesus. That included my best friend who, thank God, was still there for me when I came out of my overzealous stage. Turns out her faith was even stronger and healthier than mine, she just didn't feel the need for a soapbox, haha! So I am thinking it is good you are being vigilant in protecting your sobriety, but the sadness you feel over this friend might be common sense telling you this one is a keeper.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by pennywistle 
It seems my old drinking life is still very fresh and always close at hand. I hung out with an old drinking friend yesterday, sober with no mention of drinking nor was sobriety a topic of discussion, we just sort of hung out 'neither here nor there' so to speak. But afterwards and all day today I had this really toxic, depressed feeling that I can't really explain. But I think it's really that I'm not letting go and removing all the elements (
I guess that's something you have work through in sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
STE: That's a great thread by Isaiah, thanks for mentioning it.
Alot of great stuff to reply to but I'll just have to say thank you.
I am not giving up my friend, as long as he doesn't give up on me. Thanks everyone.
Alot of great stuff to reply to but I'll just have to say thank you.
I am not giving up my friend, as long as he doesn't give up on me. Thanks everyone.
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