Addiction - Recovery - Creativity
Proud Neonephalist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Addiction - Recovery - Creativity
Hi there,
What has been your experience with creative expression during the later stages of addiction and early stages in the recovery process? Did it slow down? Did it change? Did it pretty much disappear altogether? What steps have you taken to relight the passion?
My voice was as a large format B&W photographer who works almost exclusively in Nature. Where I live, on BC's north coast, that meant carrying my heavy equipment through thick, tangled, temperate rainforest growth. A normal day of photographing would have been to go from dawn to dusk, and to take great arching loops off trail through the forest or to walk up trail-less creeks. In the last couple years of my drinking I just didn't have the energy to it anymore, and the motivation to finish construction of my new darkroom faded away.
Beyond not being able to meet the physical demands, I also stopped 'seeing'. The kind of work I did demanded a higher level of awareness, where I was receptive to infrequent compositions amidst the chaos and complex elements in a temperate rainforest. It was a slow, contemplative approach, where I would take less than ten photographs in a days walking.
I've been sober for two days short of six months now, and have only felt glimmers of the passion. How could something that was central to my very being for over thirty years leave me? When will it come back? It's taking too long to come back on its own, so does anybody have any recommendations for taking a proactive approach? Are there methods to relight the flame? Did you do anything that might help others?
Later today I'll go for a snowshoe through a favourite patch of old growth with a 4"x5" cutout in a piece of cardboard, and see if that helps in isolating compositional elements.
Looking forward to your suggestions, experiences, and success stories!
Murray
What has been your experience with creative expression during the later stages of addiction and early stages in the recovery process? Did it slow down? Did it change? Did it pretty much disappear altogether? What steps have you taken to relight the passion?
My voice was as a large format B&W photographer who works almost exclusively in Nature. Where I live, on BC's north coast, that meant carrying my heavy equipment through thick, tangled, temperate rainforest growth. A normal day of photographing would have been to go from dawn to dusk, and to take great arching loops off trail through the forest or to walk up trail-less creeks. In the last couple years of my drinking I just didn't have the energy to it anymore, and the motivation to finish construction of my new darkroom faded away.
Beyond not being able to meet the physical demands, I also stopped 'seeing'. The kind of work I did demanded a higher level of awareness, where I was receptive to infrequent compositions amidst the chaos and complex elements in a temperate rainforest. It was a slow, contemplative approach, where I would take less than ten photographs in a days walking.
I've been sober for two days short of six months now, and have only felt glimmers of the passion. How could something that was central to my very being for over thirty years leave me? When will it come back? It's taking too long to come back on its own, so does anybody have any recommendations for taking a proactive approach? Are there methods to relight the flame? Did you do anything that might help others?
Later today I'll go for a snowshoe through a favourite patch of old growth with a 4"x5" cutout in a piece of cardboard, and see if that helps in isolating compositional elements.
Looking forward to your suggestions, experiences, and success stories!
Murray
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hey Murray...
I always wanted to do large format B&W... I had a darkroom and a 35mm... I loved it... I read and studied the Ansel Adams books... The Camera, The Negative and The Print and often longed to get into large format... To push negatives and all that... But life and my day job sent me another direction. Lately I've been reading and experimenting in digital photography... Jeez, in 30 secs and some good software, I can do in black and white what it took me all day to do in the darkroom!! But photography, for me, is not my strong suit.
Creatively speaking my voice is much more in the musical realm.
I had no voice for a while after I began recovery... I didn't know how to "speak" without the "oomph" that alcohol and other things
brought, seemingly so easily... I do not believe, however, that the creative voice was less valid... it's just that it was so easily accessed...
I have my voice back. it came at about 9-12 months (2.3 years now), but everybody's mileage varies... It is more precise, reliable, reproducible... I wonder if that "oomph" I felt before was really only felt by me, only for me... yah know?
You want to re-light the flame? Just do it, like you are planning to do today... go out and find your vision again, it is out there... Have faith that it will come back, it will.
I found that I had some resentments and stuff that the program of AA, the techniques of inventory and stuff, helped me get rid of. Those resentments were blocking that creative voice...
It's not about the alcohol.
I always wanted to do large format B&W... I had a darkroom and a 35mm... I loved it... I read and studied the Ansel Adams books... The Camera, The Negative and The Print and often longed to get into large format... To push negatives and all that... But life and my day job sent me another direction. Lately I've been reading and experimenting in digital photography... Jeez, in 30 secs and some good software, I can do in black and white what it took me all day to do in the darkroom!! But photography, for me, is not my strong suit.
Creatively speaking my voice is much more in the musical realm.
I had no voice for a while after I began recovery... I didn't know how to "speak" without the "oomph" that alcohol and other things
brought, seemingly so easily... I do not believe, however, that the creative voice was less valid... it's just that it was so easily accessed... I have my voice back. it came at about 9-12 months (2.3 years now), but everybody's mileage varies... It is more precise, reliable, reproducible... I wonder if that "oomph" I felt before was really only felt by me, only for me... yah know?
You want to re-light the flame? Just do it, like you are planning to do today... go out and find your vision again, it is out there... Have faith that it will come back, it will.
I found that I had some resentments and stuff that the program of AA, the techniques of inventory and stuff, helped me get rid of. Those resentments were blocking that creative voice...
It's not about the alcohol.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I'm a photorealistic painter by profession(and a successful one before i trashed my life ) and i can tell you i had no inspiration to do this for the first 6-8-9 months i was sober. maybe there was a want to "want" to paint, but everytime i sat at the canvas, i couldn't have given 2 s#its about it. it does get better, but for me, it's been a slow process getting it back.
i talked to an addiction counselor about it once and she said it's chemical. for a long time we were releasing a chemical in our brain.(i think it was dopamine or something like that) everytime we drank or drugged and it gave us instant excitement or reward. those receptors are damaged from the drinking and drugging we did and it takes time for them to go back to normal. rest assured though...it does come back.
) and i can tell you i had no inspiration to do this for the first 6-8-9 months i was sober. maybe there was a want to "want" to paint, but everytime i sat at the canvas, i couldn't have given 2 s#its about it. it does get better, but for me, it's been a slow process getting it back.i talked to an addiction counselor about it once and she said it's chemical. for a long time we were releasing a chemical in our brain.(i think it was dopamine or something like that) everytime we drank or drugged and it gave us instant excitement or reward. those receptors are damaged from the drinking and drugging we did and it takes time for them to go back to normal. rest assured though...it does come back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Way to go on your 6 months Murray!!
I do believe that in time you will get there. Body - physically/mentally has much healing to do but it may be a journey to rediscover that passion but I am sure it will come.
Love photography myself but am clueless on how to go about actually figuring out settings, etc. to get the desired effect. One thing I would like to do is learn!
I'm sure others with more direct experience will be along but know that we are here for ya.
I do believe that in time you will get there. Body - physically/mentally has much healing to do but it may be a journey to rediscover that passion but I am sure it will come.
Love photography myself but am clueless on how to go about actually figuring out settings, etc. to get the desired effect. One thing I would like to do is learn!
I'm sure others with more direct experience will be along but know that we are here for ya.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Talent doesn't disappear in my opinion...but sometimes we do our best to obliterate it.
I lost my muse for many years to drinking...it took a while (a year maybe?) but it came back as good as ever...maybe even a little more mature for the experience.
My advice is celebrate the good things in your life...let the embers grow and regroup....try not to sweat it Murray
D
I lost my muse for many years to drinking...it took a while (a year maybe?) but it came back as good as ever...maybe even a little more mature for the experience.
My advice is celebrate the good things in your life...let the embers grow and regroup....try not to sweat it Murray
D
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I'm a writer, and prior to getting sober, I was a writer, though I my creative works remained personal. I wrote in my various jobs, but nothing literary. Early in sobriety, I resisted having to write my 4th step. I didn't want to write at all. So much of any of the personal writing I did before--essays, poetry, some fiction--I associated with my addiction.
At about two years sober, I went back to school, and I had to write, if only for required core courses. The dam broke open. Though this doesn't sound humble, I'm going to mention it to illustrate the extent to which my writing instinct returned: I won so many writing awards, my professors were creating new ones to keep urging me on. Several of my essays and experimental prose pieces were accepted and published in refereed literary journals, and I'm finishing the third year of a graduate writing program. I'm using the spring semester to finish my manuscript.
I could never have written the stuff I'm producing now if I was still using. No way. And in reading about alcoholic writers, the famous ones, it's almost always the case that their work we praise was written during periods of sobriety in their lives. Drunk, most of them turned into hacks.
Hang in there. Wait for the fog to lift. I can't even remember most of my first six months sober. I can't say your spark will return, but if it does, prepare for a deluge.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
At about two years sober, I went back to school, and I had to write, if only for required core courses. The dam broke open. Though this doesn't sound humble, I'm going to mention it to illustrate the extent to which my writing instinct returned: I won so many writing awards, my professors were creating new ones to keep urging me on. Several of my essays and experimental prose pieces were accepted and published in refereed literary journals, and I'm finishing the third year of a graduate writing program. I'm using the spring semester to finish my manuscript.
I could never have written the stuff I'm producing now if I was still using. No way. And in reading about alcoholic writers, the famous ones, it's almost always the case that their work we praise was written during periods of sobriety in their lives. Drunk, most of them turned into hacks.
Hang in there. Wait for the fog to lift. I can't even remember most of my first six months sober. I can't say your spark will return, but if it does, prepare for a deluge.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I used alcohol to loosen up (have made my living as a painter for 20 years, though the economy has made that difficult lately). When I had to paint and couldn't, it seemed that alcohol helped. It made it easier to paint, but it didn't raise the quality of my work (on the contrary - my paintings didn't look nearly as "great" sober!)
I've had trouble getting motivated in sobriety, but it gets a little better all the time (I'm at 8 months). I've had some really bad days and some really great days and a lot of days inbetween.
What helps me the most now is visual stimulation and looking at the works of others, looking at images on the internet, or even just magazines/books. Since I have to paint every day, I have to try new things to keep the excitement going. Maybe you're on the verge of a breakthrough and don't know it?!
Just one more thought: Is there any chance you could have an underlying depression? That's something that could have been masked while drinking.
Hang in there!!
I've had trouble getting motivated in sobriety, but it gets a little better all the time (I'm at 8 months). I've had some really bad days and some really great days and a lot of days inbetween.
What helps me the most now is visual stimulation and looking at the works of others, looking at images on the internet, or even just magazines/books. Since I have to paint every day, I have to try new things to keep the excitement going. Maybe you're on the verge of a breakthrough and don't know it?!
Just one more thought: Is there any chance you could have an underlying depression? That's something that could have been masked while drinking.
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Murray))) - when I first got clean, I couldn't even remember what I used to like, before drugs took over. It was seeing some of the pics ((Ann)) posted here, that I remembered how I loved taking pictures. I'm totally amateur, but I really love documenting things that happen in my life. I got a cheap little digital camera for Christmas that year, so I would have been about 9 months clean. I have thoroughly loved that little camera and also got a blackberry so I could take pics out and about. I'm ready to move to a better camera, but not in the financial position to do it.
I also used to love to do counted cross-stitch...I did the normal stuff, but also would take a picture and graph it out (there's computer programs for that now, but back then it was me and graph paper). I just recently did my first cross-stitch, for a cousin's wedding, and I've got almost 4 years clean. It's not quite easy to do, sitting on my bed, with 3 cats wanting to play with the thread, but it brought back all those calming feelings I remember from the past. I took it, and my camera to the wedding, and I treasure my ameteur pictures. I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I can be a quarter as good as the photographers here on SR.
I also started back to school...been 18 years since my last assoc. degree. I was scared...worried that I'd fried my brain cells, but made A's in both courses I took.
It does take time, but I think you're making the right step. Keep going out there, keep working at it, and I bet the zest you used to feel will come back. For me, personally, I had to get past the beating myself up, for my addiction, the feelings of worthlessness, and apathy.
You have an awesome talent, and it will come back, and I bet it will be even better, because you have a new appreciation for life, and that comes through in whatever we do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I also used to love to do counted cross-stitch...I did the normal stuff, but also would take a picture and graph it out (there's computer programs for that now, but back then it was me and graph paper). I just recently did my first cross-stitch, for a cousin's wedding, and I've got almost 4 years clean. It's not quite easy to do, sitting on my bed, with 3 cats wanting to play with the thread, but it brought back all those calming feelings I remember from the past. I took it, and my camera to the wedding, and I treasure my ameteur pictures. I'm looking forward to getting to the point where I can be a quarter as good as the photographers here on SR.
I also started back to school...been 18 years since my last assoc. degree. I was scared...worried that I'd fried my brain cells, but made A's in both courses I took.
It does take time, but I think you're making the right step. Keep going out there, keep working at it, and I bet the zest you used to feel will come back. For me, personally, I had to get past the beating myself up, for my addiction, the feelings of worthlessness, and apathy.
You have an awesome talent, and it will come back, and I bet it will be even better, because you have a new appreciation for life, and that comes through in whatever we do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I'm a writer/poet/musician and alcohol pretty much killed all my creative projects. I tried writing poems when drunk, what a steaming pile of... they were. I had to take the pages outside and shoot them, I felt so bad for them.
It's been two years since I've gotten some handle on my drinking, generally staying clean with short relapses few and far between. I'm noticing that creativity post-drinking is just a weak muscle. The more I push myself to keep working the better my output seems to get.
It's been two years since I've gotten some handle on my drinking, generally staying clean with short relapses few and far between. I'm noticing that creativity post-drinking is just a weak muscle. The more I push myself to keep working the better my output seems to get.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
First....thanks Murray for starting this thread as it pertains to so many of us and I find it reassuring that the return of creativity seems to take a little longer to return than maybe otherwise areas.
Second, I think you know the esteem I hold your work but in case you don't I am going to say I think you are a profoundly talented artist with an amazing vision. In my opinion this kind of gift can't be gotten rid of...its integral to who you are. Maybe your gift is healing quietly right now but I think when things start clicking again your work will be even more amazing because you will be bringing to the table the strength and depth that come from recovering from addiction.
As for myself...I could barely motivate to paint at all at the end of my drinking career and I couldn't even care about the loss. When I first got sober I started working with my life coach...I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back to painting or if I did what type of painting I wanted to do. She pushed me to. Me to set aside a certain block of time every week to paint
t regardless of whether I wanted to or not. At first I can honestly say I sort of resented it. It wasn't easy or fun anymore. Working with my LC I started to realize there were other issues blocking me from my creativity other than the drinking...the drinking just helped me pretend all the other stuff didn't exist. So I've been revisiting old themes I used to enjoy and I've been exploring new materials and techniques.
This week everything started to come together for me. I was dancing in the studio again and when I finished today it was with deep regret that I wouldn't be back in the studio tomorrow.
Sending you positive creative thoughts.
Xoxo,
Tina
Second, I think you know the esteem I hold your work but in case you don't I am going to say I think you are a profoundly talented artist with an amazing vision. In my opinion this kind of gift can't be gotten rid of...its integral to who you are. Maybe your gift is healing quietly right now but I think when things start clicking again your work will be even more amazing because you will be bringing to the table the strength and depth that come from recovering from addiction.
As for myself...I could barely motivate to paint at all at the end of my drinking career and I couldn't even care about the loss. When I first got sober I started working with my life coach...I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back to painting or if I did what type of painting I wanted to do. She pushed me to. Me to set aside a certain block of time every week to paint
t regardless of whether I wanted to or not. At first I can honestly say I sort of resented it. It wasn't easy or fun anymore. Working with my LC I started to realize there were other issues blocking me from my creativity other than the drinking...the drinking just helped me pretend all the other stuff didn't exist. So I've been revisiting old themes I used to enjoy and I've been exploring new materials and techniques.
This week everything started to come together for me. I was dancing in the studio again and when I finished today it was with deep regret that I wouldn't be back in the studio tomorrow.
Sending you positive creative thoughts.
Xoxo,
Tina
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
This is a good topic. For me it's has to be all about gratitude. YOU ARE NOT DRINKING! If you are anything like me that, in itself, is a miracle. I used to love running and working out. I mean I spent most of my 20's working out daily. At 35 I do not work out. I want, to want, to work out but I don't. There are times I am very hard on myself and I just try and say to myself, it will happen if it's suppose to. For me sobriety is first. It has to be. The moment I start putting things in front of it, I'll lose them.
I have been playing Madden on XBox for a number of years. I am actually really good. I have been ranked in the top 300 online in years past. Many nights I would spend 5 to 6 hours playing and practicing the game. Often times while drinking. Now that I stopped drinking I play very little. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I "grew up", maybe I'm focusing on sobriety, OR MAYBE I USED THE GAME AS AN EXCUSE TO DRINK.
I like to keep in mind that god has me right where I need to be. I find it very comforting to think that way therefore I do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you're meant to have the "fire" back you will.
Best of luck to you!
I have been playing Madden on XBox for a number of years. I am actually really good. I have been ranked in the top 300 online in years past. Many nights I would spend 5 to 6 hours playing and practicing the game. Often times while drinking. Now that I stopped drinking I play very little. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I "grew up", maybe I'm focusing on sobriety, OR MAYBE I USED THE GAME AS AN EXCUSE TO DRINK.
I like to keep in mind that god has me right where I need to be. I find it very comforting to think that way therefore I do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you're meant to have the "fire" back you will.
Best of luck to you!
Proud Neonephalist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Well, if I ever have a show in New York I know who'll write my press release! (Thanks LaFemme )
Thank you all for letting me know it's just a matter of time. I'm a very patient man, so I'll keep my radar up for signs of any creative awakenings.
Todays hike was really good. Our 9 year old daughter came with me, and I believe she'll unknowingly play a vital role in my being able to 'see' again.
We had only snowshoed about a hundred feet into the forest when she said, "Daddy! Look at this!" and we had to get down on our knees to see where a small animal had made an entrance into a hollow tree. Just a little further along we had to explore what she called a forest house; where the weight of snow had brought the moss draped branches of a hemlock into contact with the ground where they had frozen, creating an enclosed room. A little further on she had to lay on her back to watch the sky through the trees.
This happened again and again, and what would have taken me 15 minutes to snowshoe took us an hour. Her being amazed at all the little details in the forest made me change how I was experiencing things, to look at things with a sense of Wonder again. This can do me nothing but good.
Thanks again for letting me know my creativity isn't gone, but only hibernating as it waits for my brain to regain its balance. I have a week off from work scheduled in May specifically to finish the darkroom...that would put me at 11 months sober and hopefully fully recovered creativity wise!!!
Murray
)Thank you all for letting me know it's just a matter of time. I'm a very patient man, so I'll keep my radar up for signs of any creative awakenings.
Todays hike was really good. Our 9 year old daughter came with me, and I believe she'll unknowingly play a vital role in my being able to 'see' again.
We had only snowshoed about a hundred feet into the forest when she said, "Daddy! Look at this!" and we had to get down on our knees to see where a small animal had made an entrance into a hollow tree. Just a little further along we had to explore what she called a forest house; where the weight of snow had brought the moss draped branches of a hemlock into contact with the ground where they had frozen, creating an enclosed room. A little further on she had to lay on her back to watch the sky through the trees.
This happened again and again, and what would have taken me 15 minutes to snowshoe took us an hour. Her being amazed at all the little details in the forest made me change how I was experiencing things, to look at things with a sense of Wonder again. This can do me nothing but good.
Thanks again for letting me know my creativity isn't gone, but only hibernating as it waits for my brain to regain its balance. I have a week off from work scheduled in May specifically to finish the darkroom...that would put me at 11 months sober and hopefully fully recovered creativity wise!!!
Murray
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I heard something today about seasons... and plants. It made me think of this thread. Plants don't flower this time of year... they don't grow up or out or flower... they grow down, strengthening and developing their roots.
After hearing that, I thought of early recovery... I was not creative, particularly enthusiastic or all smiles... I was growing though, down, making new roots... preparing to flower again...
FWIW
After hearing that, I thought of early recovery... I was not creative, particularly enthusiastic or all smiles... I was growing though, down, making new roots... preparing to flower again...
FWIW
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Wisco
Posts: 61
This post makes me happy. I miss writing. In college I took advanced poetry classes and have a minor in English but I haven't been able to write at all. I can't think of anything to even write about. I told myself that I would begin a journal even if it were just a sentence a day but even with the 3rd day in I am finding it a little difficult.
Glad to know though that other's have had the same problems and maybe with time my writing and graphic arts will come back.
Glad to know though that other's have had the same problems and maybe with time my writing and graphic arts will come back.
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