BullDog777

or maybe we all can just take a step back and re-focus our efforts to help sister Sleepie.

sleepie

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts. Nytebird and Benowehre, as much as I can appreciate the full spectrum of input, I have a feeling you may get in trouble here (I hope not) because there are rules about "flaming" in other words insulting or fighting and the admins may cancel your posts. I hope they don't because I benefit from hearing from all angles. I am probably stressed out and sad from working to many late nights lately and also running out of meds, tapering of benzos and just life in general. Bulldog has a point, I probably should feel less than wonderful at the moment. I think if I could get a couple of days rest, which I can after tonight- I may be able to shake my current blues. I also have a nagging sadness about the fact that my therapist is pregnant and leaving in about 4 months. She's my age and I feel ridiculous sharing my pathetic life with someone attractive, loved, married and successful. It makes me sad and humiliated. I always feel like a failed female. I don't want to start over with another therapist either. The very thought of it is too overwhelming. I kind of feel like I better be cured and well in 4 months and the clock is ticking.

CarolD

Let's stop the sniping
Please read our SR Rule 4

This is our Alcoholism Forum....where we explore various ways to
find recovery ....please share your own experiences
if you have any.

There is no wrong way to stop drinking and stay quit.

Nyte Byrd

Thanks for your concern, but please don't give it another thought or let it ruin your day. It certainly isn't going to ruin mine. I apologize for any derailment on your post and I agree with the taking a step back another suggested in refocusing on your dilemma.

Comparatively to what I have seen as 'flaming' on certain other forums, I felt it was more as an 'addressing' of something that needed to be addressed as to who should be posting here. I also apologize to the poster I addressed things to if he was offended by anything I presented, but the comments seemed to be implied as an insult to the previous poster with what he shared about AA.

I do hope you find the resolve for your issues.

Nyte Byrd

Sorry. It was the popcorn, I tell ya!! I have an allergy to it when I eat too much! I'll behave!

It's these last two brain cells. It gets rough when they start arguing with each other.

Thanks. In total agreement.

Again, thanks for clarifying that.

franie

Sleepie - I shared your concerns at having to change therapist. It was something which I was terrified of. Mine went on a three month sabatical to look after an ill family member. She passed me onto another in the same practice so it was not like starting from the beginning. Perhaps your's can do something along those lines. In actual fact starting with somebody who already knew my "secrets" (I did agree to full disclosure from my old therapist) meant that we moved on very quickly and I decided to stay with this new therapist when the first one returned to work. I worry that if you set such limits on the time you need to recover - you are setting yourself up to fail. Start planning for the change now.

ZZworldontheweb

I just can't help thinking Pinkie. You seem to be facing a number of difficulties. I wonder if there may be some benefit in focusing on one of them, on one you have some control over, and trying to improve that one thing as much as you can. Stopping drinking would be an excellent step. Maybe you don't have to buy into the entire AA philosophy at once. But if you could get dry and focus on staying that way, I'm willing to bet that a lot of your other problems will start to seem more manageable. I think a lot of people do experience that. Then some of the hurts and anger you feel about your past may be more manageable. There is no way you're going to change the past, but the next best thing is probably learning to deal with it as best you can.

BTW God loves you, I firmly believe this.

sleepie

ZZ what's Pinkie?

ZZworldontheweb

Oh, sorry sleepie, I just typed another user's name by mistake, I was multitasking paying my bills. You deserve full attention, I won't let it happen again! ;-)

Cool new avatar BTW.

sleepie

No worries ZZ, I have been called worse Well all I have to do is work one last short shift tonight and then it's rest, sweet rest. And I can refill my meds tomorrow, and good lord what a relief the day will be. Thank you all for helping me through this current state of feeling down.

Justfor1

Sleepie, I have noticed that you seem anxious to refill your Klonopin prescription? Have you ever considered that taking that medication leads you back to the drink?

sleepie

I am in the process of weaning off. I only take 1 mg daily. I am down from 2 mg daily. I understand the ramifications of taking clonazapem long term and it's effects on memory and sleep. that is why I am getting off of it. I won't stop CT because the last time I weaned off the doctor did it far too quickly and that led to some extremely unnerving side effects. But as far as drinking- I drink while I take it or not. Less so when I do, as I try not to mix. Been there done that too- not good. My therapist has some method called "Seeking Safety" that she wants me to try and first off is a thing called "grounding" when one feels like imbibing or when emotions become overwhelming. I am really not doing any of it. The reason is it suggests things like saying kind things to yourself- I find that revolting. I can't see anything good about myself. When I get upset, I wish so badly that someone could make it better... again, the safety I never got growing up- or as an adult. I can't do it. What Isaiah said about sticking with negativity as it is a sure thing is very true. I make that choice consciously because I know that the second I allow myself to feel good, it gets ripped away. It has happened time and time again. Speaking of which, maybe I am a bit down because of what was going on this time last year. I haven't been thinking of it- but I got nicely used, manipulated and dumped. It sickens me. People treat me like trash, so I see myself as trash.

Justfor1

Sleepie, I asked because I took Klonopin long term and needed to be tapered off really slowly. I think it increased my cravings for booze though if I remembered correctly.

sleepie

I have read that it can have that effect. I don't drink as much as I used to but I still need to quit for good.

c49

Hey Sleepie,

I can totally get whats in your head. Depressing thoughts is a daily battle for me too. I once said out loud to myself "why do I feel like apologizing for being alive?" Which was the sum of all the shtuff going on during my dreary life. I felt like that long after getting sober and there are some days where I again feel more like a burden to others... yet I constantly put my life on hold for everyone.

Damn its a long road to getting out of depression. I learned the hard way that drinking doesnt help... it just lets the air out of your tires when your demons are chasing after you.

I know you are trying really hard here and on your own. Keep it up. Keep trying to re-invent yourself and it will happen.

laurie6781

(((((Sleepie)))))

I have followed your posts these pasts months. There is no explanation or excuse for the rude and uncompassionate people in this world. However, I do know that there are also some really compassionate people out there and on this board.

You have also shared that you have tourette syndrome and since you seem to be comfortable using the computer there are some online groups that might also be able to help you with that aspect:

Google

I know that you know the alcohol only gives you a moment of relief and then everything comes back on you (that damn committee in the head) even worse. And AA may not be the way for you, but there are so many 'different' recovery programs now that do work, if you would like, PM me your city and state and I will get a list together of everything I can find on various programs in your area that can help with the Alcohol part.

In the meantime I will keep you in my prayers that you too can find the recovery from your 'demons' that I and others have found from our 'demons.'

Love and hugs,

bellakeller

My dad was the child of a bipolar narcissist and my mother was an untreated ACOA. An Adult Child of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families is what I turned out to be - stress on the Dysfunctional Family. I've done a load of healing through this fellowship and reading the Big Red Book and message board on the WSO site and this site as well.

This thread might help. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...adulthood.html
Your thread made me think of EMDR - a therapy my sister has used with some success.

I am probably no help, but I definitely feel for you.

NYCDoglvr

I don't think anything is possible until you put down alcohol and go into a program or therapy. After all, alcohol is a depressant!

I've been like you when I cut back on my program -- it's called self-centered fear. The fear dissipates, however, when I talk to another alcoholic, go to a meeting and help someone else. This kind of fear isn't something you can work out in your own head, it requires some action.

BullDog777

i appreciate where you're coming from, but if you had read the whole thread, you'd know she is in therapy and is taking action.
part of the program is knowing the problem before offering a blanket solution.

ReadyAndAble

Re: "So many things trouble me, I think I may be in the wrong place. I use SR to vent a lot."

Judging from the posts above, I think you're in the right place, Sleepie. Vent away. Hope you get some rest in the next couple of days. You got a name to live up to, ya know?