sunrise1

We were working today and I had invited some friends from AA to stop by... it was an outside "family friendly" kinda thing with the bar inside, and we were outside. Well, she showed up and I was SO tickled! So many people say they are coming, then don't, so it made me smile.

Sitting next to her purse was a glass of wine. It was tucked behind, like, almost meant to be hidden. Anyway, we chatted some, and I told her we'd be back on in about 5 minutes. We started the set- and she came in and sat down, with another glass of wine.

After the set was over I thanked her... it really made my day that she came out, but I'm troubled about the wine. This person is in my home group and I see her a lot. I know it's absolutely none of my business, and I have no right to judge her. I didn't say anything at all about it because it's not my place.

I guess I just am interested to hear from other AA's as to what they would have done, or if they would have said anything. Did I miss a chance to be of service? Did I do exactly what the BB would suggest?

Thanks for any opinions, thoughts, etc.

Veritas1

This has never happened to me before. I have however called people in AA to talk, and recognized that they were indeed drinking from the tone of their voice over the telephone.

I did bring it up. "I can hear it in your voice that you have been drinking."

I think if I saw someone drinking I would speak up and discuss it.

I think it is good to be honest.

It's not too late to be helpful in this situation.

I wonder if it was just juice in the glass? (maybe the establishment only had wine glasses to serve the juice in it?) I am sure if it looked like wine, though that you are probably right in that it was wine...with it tucked behind purse and all.

If I know someone has a problem with alcohol and I see them with a drink in their hand, it's time to say, "Hey! What are you doing!" No? At what point do we protect them, and say nothing, and how would this be good? Are we afraid to upset them?

Maybe it wasn't the time or place to get into anything today. Maybe reach out tomorrow and just say, "Hey, how are you doing?"

kilt

If they were on a diet and they had a candy bar in their hand, wouldn't you say "I don't think that is part of Adkins?" Use humor. Call attention to it. Don't be an ass about it, but get them out of places where alcohol is served, a habit to order. Any time you see someone who is supposed to be sober, drinking, call them on it in a fun way. Silence is consent.

Benowhere

What about minding your own business and 'living and let live?'

LaFemme

I think AA is a little like sr in that we are a community and as such we hellp one another. If I were drinking and one of you were to find out I would hope you would call me on it.

Maybe that's why she came to the event, maybe it wasz a cry for help.

CarolD

Call her and thank her for coming to your gig.
Then..."I noticed you had a wine glass
and I'm concerned my invitation triggered you"

JMO...I have no experience with the situation

Lushwell

Do you give people playing Russian Roulette bullets? I don't. And while they are within their rights to play Russian Roulette, I don't think I'm obligated to sit there and watch. To be OK with them getting their "spatter" all over me when the eventual "whoops" happens. I think I can object when they choose to come sit at my table and pull out their gun and start spinning the cylinder. "I'm kind of familiar with how that can turn out. I'd prefer you do that elsewhere" is not out of line. Having spent years at the Russian Roulette tables of life, having been spared the eventual outcome of continuing to sit at those tables, I don't think it unreasonable to expect to be able to sit in peace with others who have made the same choice to put that in our past.

I also subscribe a bit to the old adage of "to thine own self be true". I am uncomfortable when I gather with others in what I understood to be a sober and safe gathering, only to find out someone is using, practicing the same behavior that was killing me, a violation of my trust. I become a little apprehensive, kind of like when a vicious attack dog is loose around my kids.

As well stated before, there is permission in silence. Thats all part of the survival game of alcoholism. I choose not to play today. Some unintended benefits of recovery have been my learning to communicate. I had limited verbal skills when using, unless it involved getting more chemicals. Today I can tell you in a non-combative manner that I am uncomfortable with your undisciplined attack dog running loose around my kids. And take appropriate action if you don't or won't remove the threat. I take the same position about people using around me.

If I'm going to suffer from alcoholism, it's going to mine, not yours. Its unreasonable to expect me to do otherwise. I've paid enough dues for full membership in recovery, and all of its benefits, thank you.

Benowhere

Did this woman ask anyone for help? No. Is it someone's business to poke their nose in and find out what she has been doing? Nope. Give the woman some cop on, if she wants help she'll ask for it, if she doesn't she won't. If you saw someone on the street with a can of beer in their hand would you go up and try to make them go to AA?

keithj

It would all depend on my relationship with the person. My home group is tight, and I would be absolutely comfortable in discussing it with any member. If it was just some random AA member who I see around, I would consider offering help to an alcoholic who still suffered. Just depends on how well I knew them. I have no right to impose or intrude, but I have a responsibility to offer help.

Nyte Byrd

I think I would have felt a little foolish for saying nothing.

I guess it depends how close a friend I was with the person. I don't know if they were going to meetings lying about being sober or not. That would be on them, I suppose and they would only being fooling themself.

But as far as 'minding one's own business and living and let live'....fine....but 'not in my house' when it comes to drinking and/or drugging. Take it outside then. If I invite AA'ers over, they should know better that no drinking or drugging should be allowed. If someone starts smoking a joint or I catch them with a needle in their arm in 'my' bathroom, should I just 'mind my own business' and 'live and let live'. I think not.

I would have to ask them to leave if they planned to do be doing that here.

When you say you invited friends over, I am assuming you meant 'your' house, but I am not sure if you meant that or not. But if it was your house, that makes it 'absolutely' your business.

sunrise1

It was an open, public place- outside, at a family friendly event. Alcohol was served on the premises but not near where we were (we had no reason to go inside; the bathrooms are even on the lower level where we were).

I am second-thinking saying nothing; you are all right in that it implies complicity. At least, I always take it as such

We do have a responsibility to each other. I didn't know what the appropriate thing to do yesterday was, but I have a better idea now. I think I will do as Carol suggested and call.

Thanks for all the input. I'll be better prepared if it ever happens again.

Nyte Byrd

Thanks for clarifying that. It does make it rather awkward and I can understand your reluctance. I would think maybe things will fall into place the next time you see her at a meeting and see whether she decides to bring this up and or plan to continue to have others who weren't there believe she didn't drink. That would really be awkward that she knew you knew then.

I remember some supposed old timer at a meeting who had almost 20 years. Then I learned how he used to fly to some island to get some illegal narcotic drug to get high on much of the time. In hindsight it helped explained why he always seemed to be one of those guys who would seem to 'get it' one meeting, and 'not' the next.

His disease ended up killing him a few years later. Now, I don't know if it would have mattered if anyone who knew about it, but didn't confront him, did or not. But most just seemed to mind their own business and live and let live. And it is a bit hard to sit there listening to someone tell everyone they have almost 20 years sober and ya know they don't and ya know most know that in the room. It's like some horrible dark secret. And they say 'we're only sick as our secrets'. But I am glad you shared yours with us. So don't worry. It's not a secret anymore.

Here....have some popcorn and I hope you feel a little better about it for now at least.

TwelveSteps

I just wanted to note that I drink non-alcoholic beverages out of wine glasses all the time, especially at events where I don't want to deal with people asking why I'm not drinking, you don't necessarily know what was in the glass.

With that in mind, I think asking about it would have been OK. If one of her non-sober friends had commented, I don't think that would have been appropriate, but as others noted, our AA fellows have a special relationship with each other that I think makes it alright to ask. I also think that if she had replied that she is drinking right now, you should have dropped it, but just said something like, "Well I am here for you for any support that you need."

GG

NYCDoglvr

It's service only when someone asks for help.

This happened to me, an ex boyfriend (sober many years) who now lives in another state ordered a glass of wine and a professional function. Well of course I was shocked. I didn't say anything, just moved to another seat. I shared about it back home, but never mentioned it to him.

sunrise1

I should add- this woman is from my home group; although I'm relatively new to it (6 weeks) I was under the impression that she had been a member for some time.

Also- it was definitely wine.

flutter

I think Carol's idea was fabulous.. what a tough spot.

While I think I'd slap anyone for mentioning that the donut I was eating wasn't good for my fat butt problem.. I think this is another world compared to that type of analogy.

let us know how it goes?

nacona

Haha - that was so cute and funny. My first belly laugh of the day...thanks

TheEnd

Maybe she hasn't given up drinking yet. Many people go to AA and still drink, I know I did. My therapist recommended it to me to at least get my feet in the door.

Does she even claim to have sobriety? It would be different if she was in the rooms claiming to be sober and she wasn't. Then you would have reason to address it, but if she is not claiming sobriety, let her be.

artsoul

I like Carol's idea as well. I think since you invited her and she came, there's enough of a relationship there to simply ask if she's doing OK, tell her that you know it's her choice to drink, but you just wanted to offer support if she needed any.

Supercrew

If you felt like she was a close friend or family member you obviously didn't want to embarass her, but you should call her like Carol said. During my current relapse my wife suspected me twice early on, and I straight out lied, but I truly wished she would have held my feet to the fire and reminded me that I was in recovery for a reason. Would it had made a difference? I'm not sure, but it couldn't have hurt and might have saved me a trip to the ER.