AcceptingChange

it's about 2 years since i stopped partying, drinking, all that stuff. my phone doesn't ring anymore. i remember christmas 2008, and i was anxious to be happy, and i thought stopping the partying would bring happiness. well, i can't say that's exactly the way it played out. i'm full of doubts, alone. i thought i'd get praise, but that didn't happen. the way i imagined being sober isn't the way it's been. but whatever, that's the way life is. i don't wanna go back to that stuff, i really can't. if i do, i won't be the same person. i'll be like a drunken eagle with broken wings, unhappy, just morose with a booze odor. so, this path leads forward. glad i'm not sick, and glad i'll be waking up without a hangover tomorrow.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel a bit lonely AC.
Are you a member of any groups, any networks? (not just AA...anything?)

Try and make some connections this year- I need to do the same

I find that the phone doesn't ring as much either - non alcoholic folks my age are usually well into the kids (or *GULP* grandkids) thing by now....

if I waited for a call or a knock at the door I'd never get anywhere

D

Nikkle

Do you have any phone lists from meetings? Why not call them? Congrats on your sober time. You are not alone!

Antiderivative

Are there any AA New Year's Eve marathon meetings around your neck of the woods that you could attend?

Have you tried AA? It is a great fellowship and a wonderful way to meet new people. Have you tried taking on an extracurricular activity or join a group? There are plenty of groups on ***** and meet-ups. They have something for everyone. Trust me. My parents just found a french bulldog playgroup on meet-ups.

Isaiah

I had a couple invites this NYE. I couldn't attend because I don't have transportation to those places, even if I did I would have to decline the offers. I love my friends, but I know what some of them are doing tonight, and I can't be around it. I don't like having to excuse myself from these social events, but like you said that's the way life is.

The silver lining is that I know being sober doesn't mean I am destined to be alone and never have fun with a group of people. It's more of a challenge to have dry social activities, but not impossible. And I know what is certain if I get involved in drinking and partying. The consequences will be much worse than being a little lonely on New Year's.

Antiderivative

Have you tried being proactive? Did you pick up the phone and call anyone or are you just waiting for it to ring?

coffeenut

Glad you came here...and, like Dee said, if I had to wait for a call before I went out...I'd never get out.

NYE can be a hard time for some people. But really, it's just another day. Another sober day, I might add.

Stick close to SR for a bit.

Toronto68

Accepting, I don't know what things you might have actively changed in addition to the cessation of drinking. I am not really bothered by not having something to do tonight, and I also appreciate not having to deal with people asking me to come out on a night like New Year's Eve, since most people will probably be drinking.

I know in my case I am part of the problem. For instance, I got inspired a few months ago about setting up this volunteer thing I could do on an ongoing basis, and I ended up pitching the idea because I was concerned about something else I needed to do. It was important, but still, I might have found a way to do more than one thing. So I know that this is the paradigm for other areas of life, so that the social stuff stays at quite a minimum, and it ends up feeding a pseudo-preference for being alone. I "want" to be alone, but there is of course more than one layer to that. The other night I was dreading an invitation for a quick tea, but I ended up feeling so much better when I came back from it, after being in an awful mood before Xmas went by. There's always an ebb and flow to our abiding by what we should be doing until it becomes a big enough (good) habit.

I don't know if you've got any similarities with me, but I scribbled out some thoughts about me that came to mind when I came back to your thread. There might be some advice in there for me and not just you.

MsCooterBrown

I think I had such a chaotic life for so long that I am enjoying some alone time. I work all week..I love my house. I am finally happy. And no..just like there have never been pink elephants..I have no stinking pink cloud I am gliding around on. I am simply happy. I haven't had the Dept of Criminal Investigation banging on my door looking for my ex husband for 2 yrs now...that is a really BIG added perk. Believe me..Chaos is gone. Looking back...WHAT IN THE SAM HELL took me so long to wake up??? I am using this time to figure THAT out!

CarolD

By sharing here...you may have helped someone stay sober

One of the benefits from having a local support system
I've found many new sober friends to call 24/7

nacona

I live alone and like being alone, but when I get "tricked" into socializing I am grateful that I did it.

Two weeks ago by friend Ben, who dragged me to meetings last night, asked me to come to his house after a meeting as his wife prepared some vegitarian food just for me. I felt like I should, since she went to all of that trouble. When I arrived his WHOLE extended family was there. 15 to 20 of them.

If I had known that I NEVER would have gone.

His wife told me that she told him to pretend that it would be just him, her and the kids...haha - I had a great time.

I agree with the other posters. If I don't reach out, then no one reaches back. There have been times where no one has called or text or e-mailed, but then I hadn't done any of those things either.

I went to an NA meeting tonight and there were 50 of us who were doing nothing tonight but going to the meeting and then going home...most of them/us alone.

You are definitely not alone....I hope you had a quiet, sober New Year's.

scott73116

I can relate with this problem you have. I have lost/damaged many of the relationships that I had before my "blow-out". I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get meaningful relationships back in my life. What I have found is that giving/helping/doing something for someone else without the expectation of receiving anything in return will get you the result you are looking for. Picking up the phone is fine and dandy but this disease/ and process of recovering from this disease has allowed many of us to review the damage we have done to people. Even after making amends, it is still very difficult to re-establish those friendships.
Once again, the best thing I have found and I have really worked on is HELPING/GIVING to people. This will eventually get you the result you are seeking. PHONE CALLS, people asking what you are up to, how you are doing etc... There will be a reward but 1st we have to show that we are capable of giving something back to the people we have been selfish to, rude to, annoying to, etc... It works. I have been working overtime on this and getting results very quickly.

tooling

I went to sleep at 11:30 pm. I was just sitting there alone but I'm fine with it. Shut your eyes and boom it's the next morning. You will feel fine while others will still be sleeping passed out, sick around a bucket or toilet, or still drinking...you know the drill.

Voluntary poisoning isn't our thing anymore you know? We know it's a false feeling of happiness and a painful unhealthy one at that.

It's 7am here now. I'm getting up sore because I lift weights, and I am going to eat and get to the gym in an hour or so.

Enjoy your day! If I lived near some of you I'd love to have breakfast with you! Don't feel alone, we're just spread out thin here on the internet.

AlcoholicOrNot

It appears I may be in a much later stage in life than many of the posters. I've made very close friends over the last 10 years - our kids have grown into teenagers together and we've shared many beers, shots, and other substances together during our frequent get-togethers.

Those friends have accepted my 6 months of total abstinence. So much so, that I feel comfortable "hanging" with them even though they continue to drink.

Last night my wife and I spent New Year's Eve with one other couple and their children. We played board games, laughed, and truly enjoyed each others company and of course, I abstained from drinking while the 3 other adults drank.

My point is, there are friends who are going to be your friends for life, no matter what.
On the other hand, there are friends that all you share is the desire to drink together. In the latter case, are they "authentic" friends by definition? No, and as such, I would not spend time with them during my attempts to stay sober.

I also realize there are many folks who under no circumstance can attend an event / social gathering where alcohol is being served.

For me, I refuse to allow my abstinence to dictate whether I keep my true friends or not and as a result, I choose to attend. With that being said, I always give myself an "out" just in case the urge builds to the point where I may "break down". My wife and I have taken separate cars "just in case" and I've left events frequently, including last night, to transport my youngest teen to and fro a party 1/2 hour away.

Good Luck and Happy New Year!

WakeUp

I'm normally a very solitary person, but lately the loneliness has been crushing. Yeah, I got phone lists I can call, but it's never a two way street. The Fellowship can be a lonely place sometimes.
I can't wait for the holidays to be over and I get myself busy again! Service work ahoy!

AcceptingChange

Thanks so much for all your replies. Everyone said things that i feel, so it was pretty amazing to read it. Yeah, it takes some time to move from going to the place where the reason people get together is for the chemicals, not for the other people. You're right too, that i have to call to make friends. But truly, it's not that easy. I'll invite folks, we'll go out, i'll do it a few more times, we'll go out, and then i'll see if they invite. (i don't wanna be a stalker :-) ).
But whatever, that's life. I was isolating myself through alcohol anyway, so that method of having "friends" didn't really work out.
I have changed a lot this year, getting used to sitting through discomfort, instead of fleeing for a feel-good changer. These are all good things. I'd much prefer 12 months sober to 12 drunken 'friends'. Cuz i used to have 12 'friends', but that ended when i stopped getting drunk with them. And hey, i wasn't that great of a friend either. I was focused on my buzz, not on them. I didn't give either, so it's just coming around to me as i gave out.
Glad to be headache free, not sick. I need to grow up a bit and learn to thankful for what i do have, and not mope about for some idea that i create of happiness. Seeing life without the chemical glasses takes some adjusting time. Happy New Year to you!

yeahgr8

At some point all of us will be forced to think about, unless we are already being proactive, what did we get sober for? Personally i didn't get sober to be sitting alone with a 20 year medallion in a bedsit so, for me, right choices (again for me) need to be made and action taken...i've met people that have 20 years sobriety and have just extended the 12 drunken mates against 12 months of sobriety to 20 years and a lifetime of drunken mates...so...action is required because it doesn't have to be that way:-)

NYCDoglvr

You describe the way I've felt in sobriety from time to time. Lonely, a bit self-pitying, why isn't my life better since I'm such a good girl? I've been sober a long time and have come to realize that alcoholics aren't terribly good at relationships in general. We're self-involved, self-centered and lots of other "self" states. That's pretty much my default state.

But I've also found that life can be full and rich, but only when I really care about others, when I want to be of service to them instead of sitting back and waiting for them to act. It also improves quickly when I increase my meetings.

No, it's not easy being and alcoholic. Putting down alcohol is the simple part.

thisisme

I am alone but not lonely.
This journey of sobriety has forced me to internalise and find a TRUE source of happiness, from within.

Best.

Quickened

Its funny because i was thinking about the phone not ringing the last couple of days. Like.... what do i even have one for anymore? lol

It used to blow up all the time and now that i cut that part of my life out i feel like i could save myself the $70 a month....

Praise? I think anyone that quits drinking in Wi deserves praise. Its all anyone does here (drink). I think quitting drinking and making a huge life change like you have says a lot about you and your character. this world is full of quitters and people that make excuses and justify their actions 24/7.

I think the changes you have made are wonderful! Thats the truth!

You said you are full of doubts. Same here sometimes but that's only because we can't see the future. Its hard when you are starting over and unsure of where the next turn will come. When you look back on this moment in years to come i bet things will be clearer!

Heres to waking up without a hangover (one of the greatest things ever)