Don't Want This Anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Don't Want This Anymore
Hi, this is my first post and I'm an alcoholic
I have a history of subtance abuse that I was able to overcome but started drinking more frequently not that long after and I'm finally at the point where I need to stop or it's going to destroy me and anyone I'm with.
When I drink at home, I have much more control on my intake. I'll normally have the equivalent of 5 pints of beers everynight, I'm unable to sleep if I don't. I'll sit in my living room watching TV and my wife (who is a nurse) either sits in the bedroom (to be away from me) or is at work. We never argue about it anymore but she is clearly upset by it and is always asking for me to stop. I don't get hungover and always feel okay (both mentally and physically).
More often that not though, I go out and drink and I have no control. Ill go out by myself or with friends, it doesnt matter. My wife is always worried as she think something bad will happen to me and she is right, as I ALWAYS do something wrong. I can be a happy drunk, I'm usually a depressed drunk but occasionally I'm a violent drunk. Friends prefer not to invite me out as I need a babysitter and always ruin someone elses night. I've been in petty fights, cried in a corner whilst announcing that I'm going to kill myself or how **** my life is and ended up in hospital.
What is probaly the worst aspect of all of this, is that I suffer from amnesia nearlly all the time. Theres been times when I remember going to bed at 2am, only to be told by my wife that when she came from work that I was wide awake, singing songs whilst drinking more. This is even stranger in that I only ever buy enough drink for that night, so it means that when I thought I went to bed, I've got up and dressed and drove my bike to get more drink. Theres so many other instances of this happening when Im out but I won't go into them, all I know is that it happens frequently and it scares and upsets me.
I suffer from severe anxiety and I get upset to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. When not drunk, I'm an anxious person with low self esteem and so self-important that I think everyone is thinking about me. This has been evident since I abused other substances but has became much worse as my drinking has increased.
I've ruined many friendships and theres every chance my wife will leave me now. I don't know if giving up drink will solve all my problems but it's the best and right place to start.
I live in a foreign country and they do have AA meetings but all are quite far from where I live so I want to start here.
I have a history of subtance abuse that I was able to overcome but started drinking more frequently not that long after and I'm finally at the point where I need to stop or it's going to destroy me and anyone I'm with.
When I drink at home, I have much more control on my intake. I'll normally have the equivalent of 5 pints of beers everynight, I'm unable to sleep if I don't. I'll sit in my living room watching TV and my wife (who is a nurse) either sits in the bedroom (to be away from me) or is at work. We never argue about it anymore but she is clearly upset by it and is always asking for me to stop. I don't get hungover and always feel okay (both mentally and physically).
More often that not though, I go out and drink and I have no control. Ill go out by myself or with friends, it doesnt matter. My wife is always worried as she think something bad will happen to me and she is right, as I ALWAYS do something wrong. I can be a happy drunk, I'm usually a depressed drunk but occasionally I'm a violent drunk. Friends prefer not to invite me out as I need a babysitter and always ruin someone elses night. I've been in petty fights, cried in a corner whilst announcing that I'm going to kill myself or how **** my life is and ended up in hospital.
What is probaly the worst aspect of all of this, is that I suffer from amnesia nearlly all the time. Theres been times when I remember going to bed at 2am, only to be told by my wife that when she came from work that I was wide awake, singing songs whilst drinking more. This is even stranger in that I only ever buy enough drink for that night, so it means that when I thought I went to bed, I've got up and dressed and drove my bike to get more drink. Theres so many other instances of this happening when Im out but I won't go into them, all I know is that it happens frequently and it scares and upsets me.
I suffer from severe anxiety and I get upset to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. When not drunk, I'm an anxious person with low self esteem and so self-important that I think everyone is thinking about me. This has been evident since I abused other substances but has became much worse as my drinking has increased.
I've ruined many friendships and theres every chance my wife will leave me now. I don't know if giving up drink will solve all my problems but it's the best and right place to start.
I live in a foreign country and they do have AA meetings but all are quite far from where I live so I want to start here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Hi Runaway..Sounds like you have a shot at turning your life around..I will venture a bet that if you quit drinking you will have normal sleep..your anxiety will either go away (mine did) or lessen. Your amnesia (blackouts) will be gone. And your marriage will improve!! These are my hopes anyway..give it a shot. Post often..we like to help! Switching addictions is common but you just end up with a new set of problems..Hope to hear more from you!!
One more thing..I used to think everyone was watching me too...Insane. I even waited till after dark to take the trash out. That is gone now too!!
One more thing..I used to think everyone was watching me too...Insane. I even waited till after dark to take the trash out. That is gone now too!!
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Welcome Runaway.
You would not be the first person who lives in a place remote from AA meetings. A lot of people around the world use SR as their primary source for help getting/staying clean, and some have years of sobriety.
You are right that quitting drinking might not make everything better, chances are it wont. Quitting means no longer making things worse and allowing yourself to become capable of fixing marriage, friendships, jobs, finances, etc. Everything ties together, but they aren't all solved in one stroke.
Glad to have you here. Always the more the merrier.
You would not be the first person who lives in a place remote from AA meetings. A lot of people around the world use SR as their primary source for help getting/staying clean, and some have years of sobriety.
You are right that quitting drinking might not make everything better, chances are it wont. Quitting means no longer making things worse and allowing yourself to become capable of fixing marriage, friendships, jobs, finances, etc. Everything ties together, but they aren't all solved in one stroke.
Glad to have you here. Always the more the merrier.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Run, the anxiety and bad self-esteem will probably drop on you heavily afterward. That's how it was for me. Still is sometimes when I am not doing things properly, though I haven't gone back to drinking. The drinking is a bandage on something much more severe than bandage material - or like trying to pave a street during an earthquake. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. You give yourself a better chance at facing the problems without drinking. You'll begin with the absence of all the problems you are creating for yourself as you described above. Those are pluses to look forward to.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family!
Quitting drinking has done nothing but improve my life in all respects. I feel better, am happier and more responsible, and can handle my problems without thinking that the world is going to end. I wish you success in giving up alcohol. I've been sober a year now and my life is better than ever.
Quitting drinking has done nothing but improve my life in all respects. I feel better, am happier and more responsible, and can handle my problems without thinking that the world is going to end. I wish you success in giving up alcohol. I've been sober a year now and my life is better than ever. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Welcome, runaway. I almost lost my marriage by continuing to drink. When I realized what was at stake (not just my marriage), I knew it was time to ask for help. I agree that seeing a medical doctor is the first step in the right direction, as detoxing on your own can be dangerous and extremely uncomfortable. Finding outpatient services in lieu of AA is also something worth looking into, and reading the literature (AA) is also a boost. Best to you, and at all costs be good to yourself. You deserve a great 2011 and you can start today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
cheers for the comments everyone
ive not replied sooner.......
didnt drink all day on 31 but as the 1st dragged on i couldnt handle it. my muscles were in agony, i had stomach cramps and i couldnt eat. i tried and tried but it was just too painful. i was shaking so bad i had to walk to the store to get a drink, couldnt drive.
now im back at square one, wife slept on the couch for 2 days but ive just woke up and shes back in bed so i guess thats a positive.
ive not replied sooner.......
didnt drink all day on 31 but as the 1st dragged on i couldnt handle it. my muscles were in agony, i had stomach cramps and i couldnt eat. i tried and tried but it was just too painful. i was shaking so bad i had to walk to the store to get a drink, couldnt drive.
now im back at square one, wife slept on the couch for 2 days but ive just woke up and shes back in bed so i guess thats a positive.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
Brother, it sounds like you're having withdrawal symptoms. I hate to tell you this, but they're not going to get any better. And they will get worse and worse, and commence earlier and earlier, the longer you continue to drink. You're not back to square one, you're back to square MINUS ONE. Next week it will be minus two. It is NEVER easier to stop than right now. "building up your courage" to stop at some later date does not work. Our bodies tell us we "need" alchol, but we're really just drinking to supress the withdrawal symptoms.
Try reading this topic set up by our able forum leaders:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Again, your doctor can help with this. Have you gone to see him? Getting dried out and stopping is step zero. Then step one is coming up with a plan not to start again.
Try reading this topic set up by our able forum leaders:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Again, your doctor can help with this. Have you gone to see him? Getting dried out and stopping is step zero. Then step one is coming up with a plan not to start again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi runaway
I stopped drinking then started again cos I felt bad so many times in my life...
do yourself a favour and go see your Dr - be honest be open - detox can be dangerous...and you just might find some help to make withdrawal a little easier next time.
Nothing changes if we change nothing - any positive support you find that helps get you on your way is a good thing, y'know?
D
I stopped drinking then started again cos I felt bad so many times in my life...
do yourself a favour and go see your Dr - be honest be open - detox can be dangerous...and you just might find some help to make withdrawal a little easier next time.
Nothing changes if we change nothing - any positive support you find that helps get you on your way is a good thing, y'know?
D
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