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Okay - here's the truth of what I did

Old 12-31-2010, 03:01 PM
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hmm. Honestly, part of me wants to say "how dare you put a 'friend' in recovery in a position like that!!' and the other part of me is very happy it worked out the way it all did.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark75 View Post
You know, I wonder a little bit, since you are here asking...

What does sober time really matter? Does it matter what another thinks about the validity of that time? Depends.

Is that sober time built on honesty and truth... and only you can answer that. And my next question may make me a little unpopular here amongst those who have posted... And I am NOT taking away from your success thus far...

Do you see a connection between not being totally transparent and forthcoming with your doctor regarding your history with vicoden... your over use of it (over use... yes... abuse??... only you know that nacona....) ... and your near full blown relapse...

I don't have an opinion regarding your sober time... But I do have some heartfelt and genuine concern regarding the other, much more important, issues....



Mark
The doctor could see on my allergy page that I am allergic to opiates yet he still offered them. I have been offered opiates after dental appointments and I have refused because Motrin works on that type pain for me but the back.....Lordy - that is awful.

I see your point though - If I were TRULY committed to my recovery, opiates would be absolutely out of the question...then on the other hand....back pain is horrible and I just wanted some relief...(am I still justifying? possibly) All I really know today is, it was a very close call - and I start my back classes on Tuesday - I have to wait for my next check to order the heating pad that bulldog suggested....

I do KNOW that I abuse the Hell out of opiates - they were my drug of choice.

I did feel excitement when the doctor offered them and left the room to write the prescription and while he was gone, I thought - what if he changes his mind...then when I gave the script to the pharmacy, I thought, what if they read on their page that I said don't release opiates to me - and both times I was okay with that.

I am blabbering on and on about this, but bottom line is, Yes Mark, you are correct in looking at that aspect of this whole deal more so than the sobriety date.

I'm not so obesessed about that today...but I am glad that I didn't have to start at day 1 today. can't help it.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by flutter View Post
hmm. Honestly, part of me wants to say "how dare you put a 'friend' in recovery in a position like that!!' and the other part of me is very happy it worked out the way it all did.
That's the selfishness of this disease - I didn't even THINK about what this might do to him (he has 83 days today.)

He is sleeping overnight on Colorado Blvd tonight in Pasadena to watch the Rose Parade tomorrow.....I miss him and am now a little scared that I might have triggered something in him. He is staying on that "party" street all night long.

I'm going to text him and apologize.....
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:20 PM
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He just text me back and is riding his beach cruiser to an AA meeting at the Holiday Inn...wow.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:22 PM
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Powerful story. I put in a call to score when I has somewhere around a 100 days clean. Guy never showed. I haven't thought about that in a while, but that was one of the fork in the road moments that could have make me go through much more pain than I had to. That was well over a year ago and I am grateful everyday that that guy never showed...

Clayton
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by TheSunAlsoRises View Post
Powerful story. I put in a call to score when I has somewhere around a 100 days clean. Guy never showed. I haven't thought about that in a while, but that was one of the fork in the road moments that could have make me go through much more pain than I had to. That was well over a year ago and I am grateful everyday that that guy never showed...

Clayton
Clayton, you are the second person to post about almost using at day 100. I wonder if this has happened to many more people and if so, why? very strange. Thank you for sharing that. Off to another meeting....
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I think you are remarkably strong, not a child...although i do love Isiah's analogy...of SR being on big Daycare Center....I'm sure Anna, Dee and the other mods are very flattered with their new titles of babysitters...they certainly mop up enough after all of us.

Buy yourself a pretty calendar for 2011...and write on it every day.

The Phuckitts are relentless..but you locked them out, good going....now rest your back and take the spine classes and PT..don't overdo to cause more physical pain.

P.S....your avatar looks like my big 14 yearold Maine Coon boy "Slim" who weighs in at about 20-22# these days.....he takes up 1/2 of the kitchen table, his front feet are the size of teaspoons.
Thank you Fandy...I did buy a 2011 calendar of Goldens - post a pic of your fat boy if you can. My cat Nacona, who died last year, looks just like my avitar...it's not him, but looks just like him.
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Old 12-31-2010, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by nacona View Post
Clayton, you are the second person to post about almost using at day 100. I wonder if this has happened to many more people and if so, why? very strange. Thank you for sharing that. Off to another meeting....
I believe it has. I remember hearing some people with long term sobriety warn me about that peculiar time in recovery. I have heard many people share about getting to that period and relapsing/almost relapsing. I think 100 days feels like a big milestone. It is. But I guess you are still a lot more vulnerable than you may be willing to admit to yourself. The important thing is to admit it to others. I didn't talk about that event for a couple months. Not healthy, but it all worked out. At the end of the day there is a element of grace that I can't explain.

Have a great new year,

Clayton

Thanks Carol, great to see you still here, great but not surprising much love
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:03 PM
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Nacona, thanks for updating, I was wondering. The only thing I can see is that in your thought patterns leading up to yesterday you must have been pulled closer and closer until the creative ideas started coming together - the justification for the Oxy and all that.

I wouldn't have been too pleased with the way you were acting if I had been there, hearing that at the meeting, but I think it's a really big thing to put it all down here, and I'm happy with that.

I'll be honest in saying I am not all that clear on what the spiritual awakening really is. I mean, I understand the concept, but come on: really, what it is. I thought I had one of my own on my own path, which does not use AA, but I am not so sure of that nowadays, when I look at my own issues. But I know that is what some people will have in their minds when they read this, and they're going to say "Which Step are you on?" or "Start doing the Steps if you haven't already."

I still don't know whether you were feeling guilty about taking the extra Vicodin pills and allowing that to mushroom into more types of negative thinking and then drop into the alternative thinking about other substances or what. Part of me imagines that that is how it all got started. I even wondered whether the concern over what day we are on in sobriety is what got you freaking out and then that escalated things even more. Maybe there needs to be less looking at which day you are on and just stay on today over and over. Who knows?

All I know is I am glad you are capable of being honest and moving forward and not downward. Keep going!
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:36 PM
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I'm glad you are okay and that you have an angel in your life helping you.

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

Hugs...LaFemme
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Old 12-31-2010, 10:22 PM
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When I let my thinking just roam around on it's own, it will go to using/drinking almost always. But if I say a mantra throughout the day such as, your will - not mine or pray for the knowledge of "his" will and the power to carry that out - I seem to be safe.

For that last 10 days, my mind has been freely roaming and then it got creative (good one) - and like Bulldog said, God stopped me this time with angels in blue jeans...haha (I like that, Carol) but I might not get another chance.

So I think I will stick with what was working for me and that is just to pray to whatever/whoever is "out there" listening.

There was a young girl (a newcomer) in the meeting last night when I pitched my fit and stormed out. It broke my heart all day thinking about her and what damage I might have caused her.

Tonight she was back in the meeting and her mother came with her. After the meeting I apologized to her and told her that I prayed I didn't scare her off.

She said that we all go through periods like that and that she is going to be coming back. I told her that I would keep my eye out for her until she feels comfortable.

I talked to the sponsor that I recently let go and asked if she would please sponsor me and she said of course she would. She knows my history with sponsors, so I feel good about working with her.

We start working together next weekend.

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read and respond to my ramblings. I have been writing a lot lately; I know it's a lot to get through.

Happy New Year!!!


Originally Posted by Toronto68 View Post
Nacona, thanks for updating, I was wondering. The only thing I can see is that in your thought patterns leading up to yesterday you must have been pulled closer and closer until the creative
ideas started coming together - the justification for the Oxy and all that.

I wouldn't have been too pleased with the way you were acting if I had been there, hearing that at the meeting, but I think it's a really big thing to put it all down here, and I'm happy with that.

I'll be honest in saying I am not all that clear on what the spiritual awakening really is. I mean, I understand the concept, but come on: really, what it is. I thought I had one of my own on my own path, which does not use AA, but I am not so sure of that nowadays, when I look at my own issues. But I know that is what some people will have in their minds when they read this, and they're going to say "Which Step are you on?" or "Start doing the Steps if you haven't already."

I still don't know whether you were feeling guilty about taking the extra Vicodin pills and allowing that to mushroom into more types of negative thinking and then drop into the alternative thinking about other substances or what. Part of me imagines that that is how it all got started. I even wondered whether the concern over what day we are on in sobriety is what got you freaking out and then that escalated things even more. Maybe there needs to be less looking at which day you are on and just stay on today over and over. Who knows?

All I know is I am glad you are capable of being honest and moving forward and not downward. Keep going!
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Old 01-01-2011, 12:09 AM
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I just wanted to say thank you Nacona for sharing this story.
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Old 01-01-2011, 12:11 AM
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Thanks for your post, I had something similar happen. Two months ago, I came upon a Concerta pill. Concerta is similar to Adderall and I used to eat Adderall, Focalins, Ritalins and Metadates like candy. I went online and it turns out that Concerta is a crappy recreational drug, so that changed my mind and I flushed it. If I would have read that it was this great drug, I might have taken it and blown my sober time, not really sure, but I didn't and I'm still sober.

Can't believe I came so close, but I guess in sobriety we will have those situations like that. I hope next time I happen to come across a pill, instead of researching it, I hope I just flush it right away and don't even consider the idea, but I'm still new in sobriety and I guess I still have a lot to learn.

I guess we better check our mental thought process, because next time we might not be so lucky.
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:11 AM
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Thanks for sharing what happened, nacona. It helped me a lot to hear it. Recovery is a struggle at the moment.

If your back is going to be an ongoing issue, you really need to talk to someone about pain management. Meds are part of the answer but there are other things you can do to manage pain. Taking lower doses of less addictive meds on a regular schedule can be more effective than taking strong meds when the pain is particularly acute.
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:21 AM
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Originally Posted by TigerLili View Post
Thanks for sharing what happened, nacona. It helped me a lot to hear it. Recovery is a struggle at the moment.

If your back is going to be an ongoing issue, you really need to talk to someone about pain management. Meds are part of the answer but there are other things you can do to manage pain. Taking lower doses of less addictive meds on a regular schedule can be more effective than taking strong meds when the pain is particularly acute.
Thank you for posting this. Recovery has it's ups and downs, like life, I guess. I hope you get through this period of struggle.

Even though I embarrass myself for posting a lot of what I do, it seriously takes a lot of pressure off of me. All of the feedback is honestly better than a meeting. I love the meetings because it's the only social thing that I do these days, but there is a ton of ego that has to be sifted through before I "hear" anything of value.

I think that I'm supposed to contribute to the newcomers, but I am not at that point in my sobriety yet.

Posting here, there is no ego involved. We don't know each other, so I can say whatever I want.....I get shy about it a lot, but after awhile, with all of the support that I get here, I get less and less shy.

Please post what you are going through.

Thank you for the medication idea. I had never heard that. I will bring that up in my back class and see what the others do. They can't ALL be on narctotics, can they?

I have to get up in 3 hours to go to work today, but I have insomnia AGAIN....103 days clean and sober, you'd think I could sleep by now. Oh well, I have Sunday off, I can sleep then.
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:30 AM
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That's funny. I poured pills out of an Advil bottle of a co-worker's and 3 white pills fell out. I went back to my desk and researched them and it was Percocette. I ran to the bathroom and literally got on my knees in the handicap stall and prayed that I have the strength not to take them. I put them back and didn't think about them again. Power of prayer. That was the first time in my life that I actually had a narcotic in my hand and didn't take it.





Originally Posted by TheEnd View Post
Thanks for your post, I had something similar happen. Two months ago, I came upon a Concerta pill. Concerta is similar to Adderall and I used to eat Adderall, Focalins, Ritalins and Metadates like candy. I went online and it turns out that Concerta is a crappy recreational drug, so that changed my mind and I flushed it. If I would have read that it was this great drug, I might have taken it and blown my sober time, not really sure, but I didn't and I'm still sober.

Can't believe I came so close, but I guess in sobriety we will have those situations like that. I hope next time I happen to come across a pill, instead of researching it, I hope I just flush it right away and don't even consider the idea, but I'm still new in sobriety and I guess I still have a lot to learn.

I guess we better check our mental thought process, because next time we might not be so lucky.
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Old 01-01-2011, 02:07 AM
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(((T))) - Sorry I'm late on this, but wanted to say that I'm really proud of you that you went back in that meeting, and you didn't use. Yes, you definitely had HP doing for you, what you couldn't do for yourself.

I did some dumb things in early recovery, but looking back, I think it was still me learning how to deal with feelings..how to do something besides "oooh, get HIGH!!". I really like the daycare analogy, too, and it really does seem appropriate. I don't know about everyone else, but I had to learn to live again, what I liked, what I didn't like, stuff I should have figured out decades ago.

You did what you did, and you learned from it. You're moving forward, and that's a good thing. FWIW, if I don't pray and especially say "thank you" to HP for the things I have to be grateful for, I get all out of whack. My prayers are more like a chat with God, but it's what works for me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-01-2011, 05:51 AM
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Thank you Amy. You are so right when you say that I have no idea how to deal with my feelings.

I got one hour of sleep and have to leave for work in 1/2 hour....BUT I don't have a hangover and I am not dope sick....that feeling alone will get me though the day.

Happy New Year Amy!!




Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((T))) - Sorry I'm late on this, but wanted to say that I'm really proud of you that you went back in that meeting, and you didn't use. Yes, you definitely had HP doing for you, what you couldn't do for yourself.

I did some dumb things in early recovery, but looking back, I think it was still me learning how to deal with feelings..how to do something besides "oooh, get HIGH!!". I really like the daycare analogy, too, and it really does seem appropriate. I don't know about everyone else, but I had to learn to live again, what I liked, what I didn't like, stuff I should have figured out decades ago.

You did what you did, and you learned from it. You're moving forward, and that's a good thing. FWIW, if I don't pray and especially say "thank you" to HP for the things I have to be grateful for, I get all out of whack. My prayers are more like a chat with God, but it's what works for me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-01-2011, 10:42 AM
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Nacona, all I can say, is I wish i had someone who has my back like Ben has yours.
I think everyone needs someone to tell them what to do and bully them a little sometimes...
I'm so happy that you made it through to another day clean.
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