jhvw2000

Very hard day today. Getting closer to day 30 and I guess this is typical for my "alcoholic bi-polar cycle."
I went to my home group meeting this evening, then went out for coffee with my sponsor, and now venting here.
The pink cloud is gone. I want to half blame my friend for exposing me to other alcoholics we used to hang out with while she's in town, but in all honesty I had a choice. It creates so many mixed feelings; seeing how these people behave when very drunk makes me want to stay sober; yet the desire to drink still pounds my skull.
Had a good meeting today, but left with the desire to drink. I've talked now with a number of people who are in my home group who share the same feeling. The meetings really do help but they can be triggering, especially the topics in the open discussion tonight.
I'm going to stick with AA, I've never been totally sold on the idea but it really helps. I find myself wanting to poke holes in the ideology because it does help. Part of me wants it to be "the wrong thing" so I can go into denial and back into drinking.
So.....I sit here going nuts with cravings but knowing drinking won't help. Trusting that things will get better and wishing I had a shotgun to kill that stupid voice that says "you'll always be a drunk."
I will fall asleep, I will get through tomorrow, and the next day.
It just sucks right now. Really sucks.
Day 23

suki44883

Have you found a sponsor? Are you working the steps? The steps are the true key. Meetings can be great, but unless you are actively working the steps, you are missing out on most of the really good stuff.

suki44883

Well, I feel like an idiot. I just re-read your post and see where you said you went to have coffee with your sponsor. Dur.

wren

If the meetings trigger you to drink, try different groups.
A number of groups and meetings I went to really rubbed me the wrong way, but then I found one that suits me well.

Congrats on 23 days! I'm sure you can remember when that seemed impossible. I know I can!

artsoul

I'm sorry you're having such strong urges (it seemed like forever until I stopped getting them too). For me, they just reinforced the fact that I was an alcoholic. And as an alcoholic, there's only one treatment: don't pick up a drink.

Remember that you're fighting for your life, too. Chemo isn't pleasant either, ya know? Keep telling yourself that you deserve a better life and that you WILL have it. Don't let that alcoholic voice tell you any differently!:ghug3

Nyte Byrd

Yup. And when I had them, early on in 1987, some people outside meetings would tell me how they were 'opportunities to grow'. I wanted to spill coffee on their heads at times and say, 'here's an opportunity to grow, show me how!'.

You had a pink cloud? After a year, I was looking through the book for 'pink cloud deprivation'.

Then do what I did back in my first year. At a meeting, I found myself in enemy territory (my own head) convincing myself this (AA) was not going to work for me any longer (despite I had been sober for about 9 months). But I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and thinking I was unique still. I decided staying in AA was the wrong to do.

So what did I do? I tricked my disease. I decided to be
'wrong' and stayed. So I've been 'wrong' now for the past 23 years but I've been sober for that long, too.

And I keep hearing my sponsor's voice echo....

"Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna be sober?
This too shall pass. It's a simple program but it's not easy. If it was, everyone who tried would be doing it.

It's up to you if you have that burning desire to stay sober. Hang in there and I wish you the best.

Dee74

The first 30 days was rough like this for me too - it stands to reason really - I drank for years...but my second 30 were actually much better...keep doing the work and hang in there jhvw

D

jhvw2000

You sound exactly like my sponsor. I really appreciate that comment.

CarolD

Prayers help me immensley in all situations.

TheEnd

I can relate to this. I have left many meetings thinking more about drinking than I did when I went to the meeting. It's funny, I would tell my sponsor about this and he would just say "Go to a Meeting". It didn't make a whole lot of sense for me to go back to a place that already started the ball rolling.

I just take everything with a grain of salt, I realize now when I leave a meeting and I'm thinking about drinking, it's because I am remembering the good times and not the bad times, I can get carried away romanticizing all the good times I had drinking, but I really had a lot of great times, but I also had a lot of horrible times also, but my blackouts prevent me from remembering those episodes. I also had a habit of hitting the liquor store on my way home from meetings, so for me it was kind a routine.

foghead

Im on day 33 and it feels like day 1. I know its because of the time of year when everyone is out drinking and having fun and i know i will probably ** hopefully} feel really good once it has passed and everything goes back to normal but the ongoing battle in my head is a nightmare with my mind changing from " im not drinking " to maybe i can go out and have a few and maybe have a great night " but i never do because i just get too wasted to even know how i got home. Its the ego you have to fight mostly. I hope it gets easier for us. Hang in there with me lol