Hailee

Hi I am not an alcoholic, but my husband is. 20 + year history Sober for 7 or 8 when I met him. Chronic relapses over the past 7 years. I finally had to ask him to leave. We have three little ones 7, 5, 13 mos. When I leave for work at night as an RN, he is so drunk when I come home from the hospital that he can't even walk straight and my 5 year old is changing the baby's diaper. Anyway, he has been at his parents house for the past 2.5 mos 700 miles away and he is so ANGRY. Swears he is sober and going to meetings 3x a day. But he is so mad at me! He has 3 DUIs I have lost count of the trips to rehab--lost his first wife and 2 year old son 20 years ago for the same exact thing (only that was kept a secret from me until I found the liquor bottles hidden all over the house when my oldest was 1 or 2 years old. My question is Why all the anger and resentment towards me. He has lost everything, his construction business, filed for Bankruptcy, lost his truck (too drunk to work his builders fired him)--but none of this was my fault. I stood by him for almost 7 years of this craziness (and his porn addiction too) and he calls me stupid, scumbag, etc etc. Why all the anger? How could he possibly be working steps if he is talking like this. He also has little to no interest in talking to these babies. I found that he was texting with this woman that he met at AA for 3 hours too. That was a month ago. He swears it was nothing> Don't believe him. What is going on you guys????

ISPYSOBRIETY

My opinion is like this...

He's a time bomb. He needs marriage counselling, Alcohol counselling, sex addiction councelling.

Starting with Alcohol counselling might be a good idea, so his mind is clear enough to realize that his porn and promiscuous fantasies will cost him his marriage and hurt the three living innocent children he has.

Maybe he's going through a crisis, or maybe he's just totally immature and self centered. Either way, he's on a self destruct course right now and chances are there's little you can do to change him. Three dui's and he's still drinking? He's not going to change until death or prison comes knocking. Know that so you won't be shocked when a knock comes at your door.

I feel for you and the children. But I'll bet you're gonna have to kick his ass to the curb for your own betterment and for the betterment of the kids.

You can love someone but if they don't love you back, enough to respect you, or their own babies.... it's a waste of time.

CarolD

Sorry to know of this sad situation....
Welcome to SR...and I see you found our
Friends & Family Forum.

I'm glad you don't require his financial assistance.
Being a single parent is better than having children exposed to alcoholism
IMO

I would not believe a word he says.
The blame game is something alcoholics have down pat.

TheMaster

He's just downright bad news...

You really don't need anyone's advice on this.

Kadybug

It's not your fault. Carol's right when she says that the blame game is something we alcoholics have down pat - and it's because we are afraid to tell the truth to ourselves (and to God and to another human being ...). Fear is a horrible way to live.

But you can't fix him, either. So yeah - you're doing the right thing by separating yourself as much as possible from him, and protecting your children from his outbursts ... but get some help yourself, maybe Al-Anon - so that alcohol doesn't control YOUR life, too. You can't be good for anyone else (especially your children) unless you're good for yourself first.

ZZworldontheweb

Sister, since all we have to go on is your description, and we can't get his side of the story, we'll assume your description is 100% accurate and go from there.

It has NOTHING to do with you. Unresolved, irrational resentments are the primary calling card of us alcoholics. It's what CAUSES most of our drinking, according to the founding principles of AA. He may be trying the steps, but he's not getting down deep enough into what he's sore about. Our founding text says that some people are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. It also says that chances of recovery are less than average for those people. This sounds like him.

Sounds trite, but have you tried Al-Anon? Not online, in the flesh. It sounds like you know about the 12 steps anyway. You need some kind of support group, a church or something. I'm a firm believer that people can always change, but for the sake of your kids, I have to agree with my forum mates here and suggest that you find a way to care for them that's independent of him. If he refuses to send money to help with the kids, you might want to get a lawyer. I hate the idea of divorce, but maybe there's something the courts can do to help you short of that.

artsoul

I don't know, Hailee, but I would venture to bet that it has as much to do with him as it does with alcohol. Alcohol does take away inhibitions, but there are plenty of alcoholics who don't behave that way.

It sounds like you made the right choice by showing him the door.

Lushwell

I can make no meaningful comments on the Alcoholic in your life. I can suggest you look around this site for threads of friends and families of alcoholics. You may find you are not alone, and that there is a way for you to come to grips with the effects alcoholism has on your life. Please look. You are trying to understand him. All you really need to know is that the insanity of alcoholism casts a wide net.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There is help, understanding and a way back to sanity. Alanon. Go. You have children robbed of one parent. Don't allow alcoholism to claim two.

barb dwyer

Hi Hailee!

Hope you'll come on over to Freinds and Family -

there's a lot of support over there as well as here!

least

For your kids' sake I'm glad he's out of your house. It can be very damaging to grow up with an alcoholic parent. His anger at you is because he cannot blame himself without owning up to his shortcomings so he just blames you for everything. It's easier that way. If his misery is all your fault then he doesnt' have to look at himself and his behavior.

You can't do a thing to help him. He has to want help for himself and it sure doesn't sound like he wants help or thinks he needs it. And for all he's telling you about how many meetings he goes to, it doesn't sound like he's on the road to recovery at all.

Make the best life you can for yourself and your kids. Don't count on him for anything positive as he's an active alcoholic and can only think of himself.

Antiderivative

I am no psychiatrist nor do I know your husband. However, I would think that his anger stems from throwing his 20 years sobriety away along with a beautiful life. Now, he is trapped in the vicious cycle of addiction and cannot get sober again. He is probably angry and resentful over this fact and is lashing out like a wild animal caught in a trap.

He may hate himself and is venting his hate and anger on the person who is closet to him: You.

I could be 100% wrong. I am just a random, recovering alcoholic on the internet, but I am speaking from personal experience. From my experience, when I am in caught in a self-imposed crisis where I inflict pain and misery onto myself, I will take my misery and pain out on others. It is completely juvenile and irrational. However, I have acted like this in the past when I was an active alcoholic.

Bests to you and your family. Definitely check out the Friends and Family of Alcholics forum

Hailee

Thank you all for your input/advice. I do appreciate your time and genuine concern for me and the babies. I have been trying to just count on him for nothing and so far, so good. I would like to see an attorney and file some paperwork t start getting support, but my funds right now are all being used to support us and I need a pretty big retainer to get an attorney. I am saving up for it though.

The kids and I are very active in church and attend at least weekly (baby goes to Sunday School too). My husband has friends in the church and a mentor who has been tryng to help him for the past couple of years, but my husband largely ignores him and everyone else when he knows he is doing the wrong thing.

We will all be okay. I just needed to try and understand what the hell he has to be mad at me for. I thought he would be apologizing for his drinking/putting the kids at risk (child endangerment)/porn but he is not at all remorseful. It may even be that he is using alcohol again. No way to tell. He has no remorse at all yet.

I appreciate you for welcoming me and being so kind.

ellis

my dad had trouble controlling his anger
his brain was affected by the booze
it caused damage to the part of the brain that controls anger
so that even when he wasnt drinking he still could get very viscious
especially towards my mother
shut him out for now
you dont need to find out if his anger escalates as his drinking does

ZZworldontheweb

Seems to me like the church, and some of his friends there, ought to be putting some pressure on him to offer support. But if he and his mentor aren't getting along, that might not work.

On the attorney, you might try looking for a female lawyer. I'm betting you'd have a chance at a lower retainer in this situation. Once you do retain one, they will usually do a considerable amount of work for you without asking for any more money, and you can always get any balance refunded. Just a few thoughts.

My wife is an RN, and I'm in awe of how capable you guys are. Do keep checking in.

dubbguy

I lost a girlfriend while I was drinking, she stuck by me for quite awhile but I was still angry when she called it quits. The mindset I was in it wouldn't have mattered if she had stuck by me for 7 months or 7 years, no matter what she did I was still going to be pissed when she "left me".
Leaving was the smart thing on her part after awhile, I'm not angry at her about it anymore but there was also too much said to make up even as friends.
My loss...
You have probably already done more than enough, as mentioned..bad news..move on.

NYCDoglvr

The answer to your question: because he's an alcoholic.

Much more important question: why do you take it?

goldengirl3

My ex used to get mad at all the time and I wondered, "Why why why? What does he have to be mad about? This doesn't make any sense?" He's mad at anything he can find to be mad at so he has an excuse to drink and to blame you for it. It's how the addiction works.

This is a really good site about verbal abuse and mind games:

Alcoholic Spouse Verbal Abuse and Mind Games - Angie Lewis

MsCooterBrown

That anger will not go away..at least it didn't with my ex husband. The verbal abuse turned into punching holes in the wall..then in a drunken rage it turned on me. Broken nose..two black eyes..bruises everywhere. Had him arrested..he did some time..divorced him..he apologized 3 yrs after the divorce..Got the whole I am a different person now speech. I forgave him. Won't go into it but it does not change. There is a rage inside that alcohol can't tame. And it won't matter what you do..anything that happens to him during the day is somehow YOUR FAULT. Run..don't walk..start a new life for yourself.

Hailee

Hi everybody--

I do mostly post in the Friends and Family Section, but I knew that I could get first hand input from all of you. You have been there and experienced the disease and know first hand about the denial, anger, and the feelings/thoughts that may be accompanying it. I am just so surprised by his anger--I really expected to see remorse by now. He has shown none. How do you spend 3 months in AA attending 3 meetings a day and still be so mean and uncaring? He is 700 miles away for the last almost 3 mos, hasn't offered money, barely speaks to the babies, just seems totally disinterested. Although he has asked me several times if I am dating dr.'s here at the hospital, if I have a BF etc. Yeah right! Plenty of time for that. If you would have asked me years ago if I would be pining away over someone who is addicted to alcohol, porn, has no job, has no $, has no credit, has no car, I would have told you that you are out of your mind! But now look at me.

I am standing strong and taking care of business at home with the babies, taking care of myself, working and just signed up for a class (pursuing my masters in nursing now) but heartbroken over his disinterest in wanting to really get better so that we can be a family. Intellectually I understand it. Emotionally I just can't deal sometimes.

Your perspective is so greatly appreciated everyone.

ZZworldontheweb

Aw Hailee, you are hurting about this it's plain. I wish we knew the whys and hows but it's pretty complicated.

No change in behavior for 3 months? Just trying to step into his shoes for a minute, as a guy, I can see that if I got sober and looked back on my past conduct and found it to be that disagreeable, I would have a significant amount of shame. And shame can turn to anger VERY easily. He may realize this and turn a corner. I would advise against broaching such an idea with him directly though as that might result in defensiveness.

Don't know if you're actively arguing with him when you talk or not. If so, you may want to stop. If he starts getting belligerent, maybe just say you'd like to continue the conversation when it can be done calmly, then hang up if you have to.