blueplanet

I have wanted to drink since 12/23. I managed not to, spending the last four days eating tons of food and LOTS of sugar. I would dutifully talk myself out of going to the store and buying beer and cigarettes over and over and kept reading this forum-but I still want to drink.

Most of the threads seem to say that cravings pass rather quickly, but that isn't the case for me. I ordered beer and cigarettes this morning with my online grocery shopping. So now I am trying to talk myself into pouring them down the drain when they get here. I am trying to keep going as I have not drank for 2 months and 1 week, but I see that I am setting myself up to fail by ordering beer.

I want to know how to change my thinking so I can stop obsessing over beer and cigarettes (they go together for me). I am 35 and I know that this 2 months I've managed to stay sober is my big chance to change, I don't want to blow it!

uncle holmes

Get to an AA meeting as soon as possible. You posted this at 9:40 AM this morning. There should be some noon meetings that you can make on time. 2 months sobriety is HUGE. Shoot for that 90 day token. It's not worth blowing this sobriety now is it?

Isaiah

What works best for me is to stop obsessing over obsessing. You simply cannot think a thought to death.

An experiment: Think of a purple elephant. Okay, now tell yourself to get rid of the image of a purple elephant. Don't even think the word purple elephant. Try harder, stop thinking of purple elephants. If you don't stop thinking of purple elephants I'm going to scream. I will give you a million dollars if you don't think of a purple elephant. If you don't stop thinking of purple elephants I'm going to throw your whole family into a North Korean prison... and so on.

There are a lot of ways people go about dealing with thoughts without obsession. Many newcomers are encouraged to distract themselves with other things (works for anyone in fact.) AA recommends surrender, acceptance and turning to some kind of prayer. DBT (therapy) that I took had a number of useful techniques. Buddhists do meditation.

The list goes on, but I think it all revolves around a combination of just letting a thought be a harmless thought, and filling our headspace with other things.

blueplanet

I kind of feel like a fraud because I really only started my sobriety because I didn't have the money to drink and eat! I picked eating. I got a little money from a Christmas job and have discovered my very first "trigger"-Money!

In the two months I was FLAT broke and drinking was not an option, I felt far more calm about it. That was just the way it was, now that I have a choice, I seem to be having a hard time making the right one.

I've known that I was an alcoholic for years, and this is the most time I've ever gone without drinking, which is why I don't want to ruin that. It's funny that obsessive thinking was mentioned, because I think I am frustrated that my anxiety, panic and obsessive thinking haven't gotten any better, like they did for so many people when they stopped drinking.

Thanks for all the advice and for reading!

Isaiah

Sometimes just having any time distance from a drink does something. Even if you were sober out of poverty you still probably got some benefit from it (parts of the brain "heal" even if our minds don't change.)

And I doubt you're a fraud. If the only reason you haven't been drinking is because you didn't have money I doubt you'd have taken the time to sign up for SR. There's obviously some drive in you to stop drinking, and you can foster that and build it if that's what you want. All of us had to build on what we have.

As for the anxiety and obsessing, it's hard to say when or if it's going to change for anyone. There might even be options out there to help minimize those feelings for you. Have you seen a doctor/psych at all? It's uncertain how long and how things change. The only real sure thing is what happens if an alcoholic keeps drinking: it's never get better.

viavai

blueplanet,

Remember to keep it in the day, just for today. I remember that when I first got sober (the first time!) someone told me that I only had to not drink for that one day and that if drinking was important enough, I could always do it tomorrow. You've managed to stay put since the 23rd, can you put a plan in place to make it through one more day? I understand wanting to drink, but have you asked yourself why you think you want this temporary escape?

Also, drinking and smoking always went together for me as well, but I found it easier to focus on the one that was going to kill me sooner--the alcohol. I still smoke (not as much as I used to), AND I have managed to stay sober.

I would also second the recommendation to get to at least one meeting today. You can do that for yourself. You need to.

wes1

Try to get out of the home before the delivery arives. May want to go do something for someone else or for yourself to get the mind directed towards other things.

foghead

These are mind battles that you must fight when they arise. Ride it out and stay dry and when the crave to drink has died off you will feel amazing. Its all about not letting your mind control you. This drug you have drank for years has completely re wired your brain and and controlled your feelings and when you stop taking this drug its going to fight back twice as hard....when you have those mind battles going on in your head, feeling that strong urge in your stomach and feeling empty inside when you dont get it, thats the body crying out for that drug, its had this drug for so long it believes it is part of it, its not of course and like always your body will adopt to not having this drug over time but you must not give in to these urges, gradually they will die down and not feel so intense and your confidence in yourself will grow strongly. Im in the same boat as you at the minute and its driving me crazy watching everyone going out drinking and having fun, bottles of whiskey being stored in my house( not by me ) , feels like im missing out but i know i WILL regret it in the morning, you ALWAYS do. MY target date is 3 months and im about 1 month in. Its not 3 months then i will drink but 3 months then i will assess the situation....ie..see what i have achieved in those 3 months, my lifestyle, friends and family relationships, money and so on................Stay strong, be a fighter and kick this demons ass

DayTrader

Ahhhh..... to be able to control our thinking. As Isiah's purple elephant story illustrated, it's often impossible to "control" your thinking. At my best.....I can maybe do it for a handful of seconds UNLESS i'm totally engrossed in doing something really complex that demands my full attention.

What you should hear in AA though.....is that those racing thoughts......you're just not able to control them. You can maybe do it here and there but overall, you're not able to manage them. And furthermore.....they have the power to take you back to your next drink. Have you ever quit.......only to find yourself saying "F-it" and going right back to the bottle? Most real alcoholics have. Surrender, acceptance and prayer are great......but they will not ensure nor guarantee your sobriety. IF you're a real alcoholic.....you've got one shot - God's grace and God's power. The prayers, the meditation, the steps......they're all designed to help get you in touch with that power.

Since it usually takes a little practice to do that........early sobriety IS a bit*h! There's a lot of white knuckling, some sobriety out of spite (as in...If I get drunk again, they'll know they were right when they called me a loser..... so I won't drink to make them mad), some sleepless nights......even some "trigger avoidance." Baiscally......it's all-out war so use whatever you have to.... In the meantime, like UncleHolmes suggested...find some meetings. The meetings won't help (much) but if you can find some good ones there could be some benefit there. The real reason to go is 1... it's a distraction and does help many keep away from that 1st drink early on. 2. the meetings are the only place you'll find a decent mentor who can work you through the recovery process. Therapists and councilors are great.......for therapy and counseling. When it comes to recovery, it helps immensely to team up with someone who's been there, done that, knows the lay of the land, knows where all the stumbling blocks are, and is willing to guide you. The sponsor shouldn't show you how to live your life so much as they should help you find the power you need IN your life to live happily and productively from whatever HP you're comfortable with.

blueplanet

My sincere thanks for all the great replies. I have never been to AA or any other face 2 face program. I now have the beer and cigarettes and will hopefully pour them down the drain.

I have a different attitude toward the beer in my house right now. Normally I would have grabbed it and started drinking it right away- "let the fun begin" kinda thing. However right now it feels more calm, like a chess game with me trying to win over my opponent, beer.

Thanks for the strengthening posts and this is one game of chess I hope I can win!!

Kmber2010

Blue you can do this. I hope you take the better road here and dump it out and look into getting some face to face support. You have much support here and what I found worked for me (I relapsed after a few sober months) was learning to live again and for me I needed help.

There are many options out there for you so why not give it a go. You are stronger than this. The life that I have now surpassed anything I could have imagined when I was looking out through the bottom of the bottle.

Stay the course and please keep posting. SR has been that much needed breath of fresh air countless times for me and certainly others when I have our moments.

What remains at my recovery foundation that I have built on is - I will not drink.

DayTrader

Heh... I used to use the same analogy.

AA's been a huge help to me. There's no way I'd be sober today without it.

NYCDoglvr

It's a choice we make every day .....to drink or not drink. I hope that whatever you choose you get the results you want. I can't imagine anything worse than drinking.