sleepie

Finally the holidays are done. I don't have to deal with painful siblings and all that mess anymore, at least for now. They can go back to ignoring me except for when they want to feel important about something and I can live my child free life. I was SO immensely relieved this morning. I feel like I have a chance after the last year is behind me. There are a few things I'd like to do. Get sober, get off meds (in the process of that now) get a decent job ( I have an interview tomorrow)... as well as some personal projects. My worst obstacle is dealing with my past, mourning the profound losses I have experienced as the result of an abusive upbringing- and liking myself somehow. How do you do it? I don't know. There are a small handful of relatives who are still abusive towards me to this day and I ignore them as best I can but at the end of the day I am crying in bed clutching my favorite stuffed animal like a broken little girl. The one that never got nurtured. The one who was shamed, beaten and humiliated- for years and years until there was nothing left.

ZZworldontheweb

You seem so sweet. I read through some of your other posts. I had Tourettes as a teenager, and boy was it embarrassing! People just could not believe that the vocalizations were involuntary.

You might feel down on yourself but it's obvious that you're articulate and have an intelligent vocabulary. I think your avatar may be your own painting too, and it's very good.

And boy, the siblings with children, can I identify with THAT! It's like no matter how much career success or anything else you accumulate, they're always one step up the social ladder because they have kids. But you know, I bet they're envying us in a way so it's not all roses for them either.

Also, not sure of your spiritual beliefs, but God does love you. Sounds trite sometimes but I firmly believe it.

Stay strong!

reggiewayne

Wow sleepie. I'm sorry that has happened to you and you still feel all of those things. All I have to say is the sorry, shame, and anger will not be helped by alcohol. I know this sounds simplistic but it's true. The issues you bring up will not be helped by drinking over them. It sounds like you have suffered enough pain at the hands of others. You didn't do anything to deserve that type of treatment. The abuse we put ourselves through with booze is up to us. We do make that decision. I dealt with shame and drank over it for a number of years. I have realized that all I did was further hurt myself.

Hang in there girl. We can all get better, a little at a time!!!

Lionne

Oh sleepie, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can feel your pain and I have been through some childhood trauma of my own, not through relatives but the results were similar. The only thing I can say is: It's possible to feel better and to come to like yourself. It takes time, probably some therapy and developing some new coping strategies. We can't choose our family of origin, but there is a saying that friends are life's excuses for our families. And I'm sure all your friends here will support you through this.


I know this might sound very strange but what would you do if you would meet a real little girl like this? You would probably try to take take care of that little girl. You can do the things that comfort and nurture that little girl in you , that give her self confidence, that make her feel safe and loved. Drinking will not help her. Maybe you can try to find out what this little girl needs and how you can give her yourself what she didn't get from others. There is no shame in crying in bed clutching your stuffed animal. I've done that too, many times, and it has been a way to relieve my pain.
Love, and feel hugged
LS

PS: I suppose that your profile picture is one of your paintings. It's awesome.