GypWin

I have been hearing alot about hitting the bottom and then maybe smartening up.I thought my bottom was this time last year. Ive never told anyone this (not a soul)so not being one for baby steps Im posting it online. It was a huge dinner party where I was to meet my significant others entire family.I was the normal nervous but not very and not yet running to the bottle every time a cloud passed by.I wasnt wishing for a drink is what I mean.After being there for awhile I just began to feel amazed at first, these people were so happy, so tight, so caring towards eachother, no fighting, no wayward hands to be on guard for etc. I hate to say "norman rockwell" but Im saying it anyway.And I thought I am REALLY going to apply myself to this relationship because this would be an amazing place to belong.But after a bit I started to feel something that I cant articulate, liken it to smothered or panicked or who knows what.I just had to get out of there, and quick.I left before dinner and on my long drive home alone I pulled off to a liquor store. I stayed in the parking lot guzzling straight vodka, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, here was everything I could want and I was burning rubber to get out.The booze was hitting and I wanted to get home while I still thought I could. It was the holidays and there wasnt many other places to go, except down in the "dregs"and I didnt want to go there..Bob Marley was singing "3 little birds"on the cd player and the red and blue were in my rearview.I ended up being booked by an officer I used to train with(was gonna be a cop in another life)It was believe it or not my 1st time driving while drinking and honestly it was the last. Im not one to want to roam when indulging, or destructing, whatever.The judge said she was surprised I was alive, I was 4x's over by the time I was tested at the jail, she offered me rehab in lieu of guilty but I was guilty and pleaded so.Anyways I hit it pretty hard after that, there of course have been alot of other reprocussions because of my poor decisions but nothing near to that.I usually disappear for a few days and then live healthy for awhile, then back on it for a few days.At the beginning of this month I think I had a seizure while on a bender and the right side pain hurts, so Im trying to stop.I do feel physically better and happier but its a rollercoaster, strong and weak, menatlly I mean. How nice it would be to slip away for awhile and how desperately horrible it would be as well.I guess what Im wondering, to make a long story even longer, I said Im done but Im not sure I believe me,I mean that experience last year in my opinion was my bottom but I just kept going past it, does there have to be another bottom-bottom experience to be sure of yourself?

SSIL75

Hello and welcome

A lot of us here dislike the whole 'bottom' concept. Like you have to find yourself in the gutter before you see the light.

When I quit drinking I was not at my worst at all. I had skated much closer to insanity before then. I was just 'done'. The scales tipped for me and I knew it was time to feel good most every day. Instead of bad most every day. Of course it wasn't quite that simple or easy in the execution but it's the easiest way to explain it.

So to you I'd say - don't worry about your bottom. Just think about if you're living the life you want to live, today and chose wisely

Rift

My question to you is: What did your significant other's family think when you just disappeared before dinner? Did they find out what happened to you...like getting drunk and getting pulled over, pleading guilty?

That's rough man. You've got my sympathy. I know I had times when I would just start to have feelings of absolutely having to drink in certain situations. Usually when I was nervous or depressed.

reggiewayne

I've had many bottoms. I remember in my 20's by bottom was lying to me wife about how much I had drank the night before. Man, did my bottom's get lower over time. All I can say about a bottom, is that I am probably capable of finding a lower one if I continue to drink. There is no problem on earth that a drink solves. Matter of fact, drinking doesn't even solve the problem of "man, I want a drink". All it does is make me want another, then another, and so on.

Getting sober is a roller coaster. I think once we've distanced ourselves from our last drink the roller coaster gets smaller and smaller. The roller coaster we alkies speak of is just called life. It's real emotion. I have never been very good with dealing with true emotion (hence my drinking). Drinking is a way to put a pause button on my feelings. The problem is, it's not a solution. The only solution for problems it to address them. The only way to address them is to have a clear mind and heart.

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there. It gets better!

Lushwell

No. There is no reason for another deep, hard slam into the ground. Its over when you say "enough".

You may have hit your bottom. What happened after that can be described as the hopelessness, the fear, the shame and loneliness of alcoholism. They get to take over, because there is nothing left to stop them. When you hit bottom you didn't die. You are now in rehabilitation. It is hard. It beats the alternative. Focus on the rehab today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

Few truly understand the frightening and confusing dilemma the alcoholic goes through when faced with the decision to continue to the bitter end, or to take the chance at recovery. We understand we can't go on like this for long. And we have no way out that makes sense to us. We stand looking at the wreckage of our past and the uncertainty of our immediate future. And usually bolt right back to the bottle. With the bottle, no decision needs to be made right now. We think it buys us a little time. What little sand we have left in our hour glass is running out.

I didn't sober up to become a better citizen. I figured I'd stay until the sh_t storm I was in passed, and figure something else out. I'm smart. I've figured things out before. As time passed, I learned some about me, and why I did the things I did. I wasn't bad. I was sick. I could get well. If I did what the people around me did. They didn't drink. What did they do instead? I stuck around and found out. I was free at any time to go back where I came from. I still am free to make that choice. I choose to stay because I don't need the shame, the fear, the loneliness, and the wreckage that goes with my drinking. Not today.

If you've had enough, and willing to try something else, you are ready. This incident you call your bottom can be your history, or another bump on your way down. Your call.

I guarantee you, there is more ahead that trumps a drunk driving charge as far as reaching a bottom.

ZZworldontheweb

I agree with everybody here. It's a one-way elevator ride to hell, but you can get off on any floor. It's the same elevator for everybody though.

For a lot of people, it seems like the change comes when their reaction to their own behavior goes beyond "disappointed" and "regretful" to "horrified". Others describe it as standing in front of an abyss and saying "I do NOT want to go down there".

ru12

I didn't really have a hitting-bottom experience. I just had gotten to the place that my relationship with alcohol was interfering with how I wanted to live my life. And you know what? I feel so much better that that it isn't in my life now. Do a Cost Benefit Analysis and see what alcohol is costing you and what you are gaining by using. It will probably be an eye-opening experience.

sable1

I had 2 bottoms where I seriously said I was done with drinking and meant it. One bottom was a more serious than the other. But I still somehow went back to drinking, because it was soo hard to give up my precious friend alcohol.
All of the time while I kept drinking it didn't feel good anymore though, it was seriously making me sick and causing me problems.
When I had "hit bottom " for the third time I decided enough was enough. I was ready to give up drinking.

I'm sure that I would hit an even deeper bottom if I kept drinking and that I might not recover from it the way I have before. That's what's scaring me and is keeping me sober, the thought that the next time I might have lost some serious stuff that I'll never get back.
Personally I think that it's better to quit when your somewhat ahead, there is no need to get yourself as sick and depressed as you possibly can before you quit. Not really, but for me I would have never thought about giving up drinking if alcohol hadn't turned on me the way it did.

Stobert

Sometimes the buttons don't work and the door won't open, and sometimes the cable breaks and the elevator plunges to the bottom...

ZZworldontheweb

I'm not sure I can agree, Stobert. We don't really want to say there's a level of alcoholism that's unrecoverable, do we?

Also actual elevators have gravity-impeded safety brakes so they can't plunge even if the cable snaps ;-)

keithj

This selection sums up my experience with 'bottoms'. Just like you, I was under the delusion that somehow, someday, there would be a sufficient circumstance in my life to make me wake up, get serious, and be able to stop drinking. I call it a delusion because it never played out that way for me.

Just like you, after one of these scary events, I would hunker down and not drink. And then, after a while, the memory of that faded. The pressure would lift, and the strange, subtle insanity would take over, and I would find
myself with some reason to drink. That always led to some 'worse yet' external condition like crashed cars, jail, lost families. And then I would say again, 'Now I'll quit for good.' I did that over and over. It's described in AA's Big Book in Chapter 3, the jaywalker story.

I came to understand that any 'bottom' brought on by external conditions would never be sufficient for me to maintain sobriety. A bottom is an internal state of mind where I surrender to the fact that those external conditions, no matter how bad, will never be enough to keep me sober. I concede that I am an alcoholic.

That's the place where recovery through the 12 Steps started for me.

Zencat

I've had a few bottoms during my drinking days. They never caused any lasting change in my behavior. I was stuck in the addiction loop. Outside events had no influence that would stop me from drinking, no matter how horrid they were. Nothing changed until I changed. I had to change my reaction to circumstances. Now life's events have no bearing to my commitment of sobriety.

loveon2legs

I have had at least 2....the last one was it for me....I got a DUI it was enough of a bottom for me to realize I am an alcoholic and need to get rid of booze in my life!!!

anew

GypWin,

Bottom is where you stop digging. I just got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all of the time. I was losing so much of my life and happiness by being a slave to the drink and the wretched hangovers and all of the other crap that goes along with drinking. I just could not live one more day with alcohol in my life...that's it--ENOUGH! DONE!

Of course, the first few months there were times when I thought I would surely come unhinged...having to work through feeling discomfort for the first time in a LONG time. Things are a MILLION times better with alcohol out of my life.

artsoul

WOW - That is an amazing definition, Keith and makes so much sense to me.
Thanks!

artsoul

I really like what you said, too, anew: I felt like you did- I just couldn't do it anymore.

LLCY52

Gypwin:

Hitting bottom is different for everyone. Some of us have to fall farther than others.
I just came to the point that I just cannot drink anymore I don't think that I will survive the next fall.

MsCooterBrown

"Sometimes the buttons don't work and the door won't open, and sometimes the cable breaks and the elevator plunges to the bottom..." (Stoberts post)

"I'm not sure I can agree, Stobert. We don't really want to say there's a level of alcoholism that's unrecoverable, do we?" (ZZs post)

The way I look at it..yeah. The unrecoverable part is when you plunge to the bottom..it is death. I have lost 2 close people this year that were alcohol related. Gypsy Feet stopped in with her update and it brought it all back to me. Sometimes..the people that try to contol drinking when they are alcoholics never make it back to try sobriety again. Anyway..that is what I was thinking with Stoberts post.

Stobert

No, I don't believe there is a level of alcoholism that's beyond recovery, unless it ends in death. What I meant was that the plunge can happen quickly, it happened to me. What started as my "normal" weekend of heavy drinking ended in a hospital psych ward. From there I went to a treatment program, and here I am seven years later. There were a couple of early bumps along the recovery road, which could have been avoided had I been more honest, but today all's well and I am grateful.

anew

GypWin,

It's obvious from your posts that you are soul sick. Please consider getting yourself into a program of recovery. As long as you are actively drinking you will only get sicker...it only gets worse as time goes on, never better. I see alot of my former self in your posts..ALOT.

How about going to an AA meeting?