The Big Lie
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 76
The Big Lie
We all know we're alcoholics. Really, we do. I remember the days when there was doubt about my problem, and I remember days when there never actually was a problem. But I don't kid myself tonight when I know that I can never walk away from alcoholism. Tonight I am an alcoholic just as I was when I "doubted my problem", and just as I was when I "never actually had a problem". Do you see where this is going? It took its time but inevitably it evolved and though at times it wasn't as bad as it is now, it was still there, and it is the reason I'm where I am today.
I know it, you know it. Who are we hiding from?
I have been able to hide my alcoholism from everyone except for those whom I confess it to. I have a few close friends who I can confide in knowing they will not repeat what I say. That said, nobody else knows.
It boggles my mind how my immediate family and friends have not clued into my problem in the least. The worst thing that ever came from my bad habit is that my mom bitched about having to stock up on beer so damned often because I drank more than anyone else in the house. No one has ever said to me that they think I am overdoing it or that they are concerned.
This in no way means they don't care or that they are stupid. I have simply been able to pull the wool over their eyes with a learned and evolved ability to hide my drinking, lie about it, or pass it off as something lesser than what it truly is.
It still amazes me that nobody really knows. Is there anybody else among us who is guilty of The Big Lie?
I know it, you know it. Who are we hiding from?
I have been able to hide my alcoholism from everyone except for those whom I confess it to. I have a few close friends who I can confide in knowing they will not repeat what I say. That said, nobody else knows.
It boggles my mind how my immediate family and friends have not clued into my problem in the least. The worst thing that ever came from my bad habit is that my mom bitched about having to stock up on beer so damned often because I drank more than anyone else in the house. No one has ever said to me that they think I am overdoing it or that they are concerned.
This in no way means they don't care or that they are stupid. I have simply been able to pull the wool over their eyes with a learned and evolved ability to hide my drinking, lie about it, or pass it off as something lesser than what it truly is.
It still amazes me that nobody really knows. Is there anybody else among us who is guilty of The Big Lie?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 21
I realized I was an alcoholic many years ago actually.
But I reamained convinced my 'problem' could be controlled somehow and wouldn't have to totally quit drinking.
The big lie was mainly to myself really.
Like most alcoholics... my dream, my quest... was to be able to control my drinking. Pull the wool over my own eyes so to speak and convince myself that I didn't really have a problem after all.
To this day I have never ever been sucessful at 'controlling' anything to do with alcohol for any length of time.
Normal people just do not understand how this could be.
'Just cut back' they say- Impossible.
'Slow down and pace yourself' - Good luck.
Nobody seems to understand any of this except a fellow alcoholic.
Nice to meet ya Cobalt.
But I reamained convinced my 'problem' could be controlled somehow and wouldn't have to totally quit drinking.
The big lie was mainly to myself really.
Like most alcoholics... my dream, my quest... was to be able to control my drinking. Pull the wool over my own eyes so to speak and convince myself that I didn't really have a problem after all.
To this day I have never ever been sucessful at 'controlling' anything to do with alcohol for any length of time.
Normal people just do not understand how this could be.
'Just cut back' they say- Impossible.
'Slow down and pace yourself' - Good luck.
Nobody seems to understand any of this except a fellow alcoholic.
Nice to meet ya Cobalt.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Cobalt,
I don't believe you've hid it from anybody except yourself and as Richard56 states above, you've just been pulling the wool over your own eyes.
As far as anyone having a clue about your problem, the truth is, they most likely didn't know you had a problem.
I have many friends who drink just as much, if not more, than I used to. I can assume they have a problem but perhaps they don't. Perhaps they are not alcoholics like myself and handle their booze much differently than I can.
I commend you for coming to the realization that you're an alcoholic. In the end, you're the only one that matters for recognizing that fact.
I don't believe you've hid it from anybody except yourself and as Richard56 states above, you've just been pulling the wool over your own eyes.
As far as anyone having a clue about your problem, the truth is, they most likely didn't know you had a problem.
I have many friends who drink just as much, if not more, than I used to. I can assume they have a problem but perhaps they don't. Perhaps they are not alcoholics like myself and handle their booze much differently than I can.
I commend you for coming to the realization that you're an alcoholic. In the end, you're the only one that matters for recognizing that fact.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The biggest lie I ever lived was that I was putting the
fun into functioning alcoholic....while slideing downhill
mentally and emotionally.
Drinking turned me into a depressed soul sick woman
I detested before I stopped.
I had been living on my own for many years.
My non drinking parents were not a factor in either
my drinking or recovery.
Neither were my adult children.
All my friends were also at best...excessive drinkers.
They also were not a factor in why I decided to stop.
To find people who understood ...and supported my decision
AA has been my solution....
Hope you find your way into joy and purpose...recovery rocks!
fun into functioning alcoholic....while slideing downhill
mentally and emotionally.
Drinking turned me into a depressed soul sick woman
I detested before I stopped.
I had been living on my own for many years.
My non drinking parents were not a factor in either
my drinking or recovery.
Neither were my adult children.
All my friends were also at best...excessive drinkers.
They also were not a factor in why I decided to stop.
To find people who understood ...and supported my decision
AA has been my solution....
Hope you find your way into joy and purpose...recovery rocks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 6
Cobalt, I can really relate to your post. I remember the days of "normal drinking". I did not drink alcoholically from day one. I also remember the turning point when I purposely bought alcohol and drank it to change my mood which was what I consider the start of it all. And like you I remember when I was in doubt. But it didn't take long for me to get to the point and know for sure that I was alcoholic. It took over 15 years of lying to myself and listening to the lies of the disease to realize that I CAN NOT DRINK. EVER. I know there is part of me that still doesn't want to believe it.
And there are parts of me that are still in doubt there is any hope for me. That this disease is too strong, too pervasive for me to overcome. I say this based on a long history of quitting for many years over and over only to get sucked back in.
And yes, I was an expert liar about the extent of my abuse and hid my drinking from everyone. I discussed it with my husband once (who does not drink) and his comment was that I was very good at hiding it. I drank alone and at home with all kinds of routines and methods to hide it.
And there are parts of me that are still in doubt there is any hope for me. That this disease is too strong, too pervasive for me to overcome. I say this based on a long history of quitting for many years over and over only to get sucked back in.
And yes, I was an expert liar about the extent of my abuse and hid my drinking from everyone. I discussed it with my husband once (who does not drink) and his comment was that I was very good at hiding it. I drank alone and at home with all kinds of routines and methods to hide it.
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Cobalt 
I have been able to hide my alcoholism from everyone except for those whom I confess it to. I have a few close friends who I can confide in knowing they will not repeat what I say. That said, nobody else knows.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
My family knew I had a "drinking problem" for quite awhile....When my Dad passed away I totally lost control and went into the alcoholic mode very quickly.....Nobody really knew how bad off I really was....I was a great actress then....so I was lying to myself for a long time....
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
For years my wife had no idea I had a drinking problem and she's a very smart lady. I was a closet drinker and kept it hidden quite well, even from myself. For years I was like a juggler keeping all of the balls in the air, eventually I couldn't keep it going any longer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I think Carol is right...no one but an alcoholic can really understand.
I've kind of moved away (mentally) from the word alcoholic. Because it is so fraught with personal experience and definition. The word is problematic to me...I will happily label myself an 'ex-drinker' and leave it at that.
I've kind of moved away (mentally) from the word alcoholic. Because it is so fraught with personal experience and definition. The word is problematic to me...I will happily label myself an 'ex-drinker' and leave it at that.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
I can see from all my old journals, even from college (25 years ago) I knew I drank to excess and it wasn't good. I bitched and whined for years in my journals about being overweight, having bruises, hating my figure, hating my lot in life. My boyfriends were fun (and alcoholic) until they fizzled out. My everything was a bummer. I was constantly bummed about something (which is the only time I wrote in the journals!)
I have hid the alcoholism so well, for so long, from so many. If you were to ask any of my friends they would say I am not an alcoholic. If you were to ask my son, who lives with me, he would also say no. But the truth is, I have been a functioning alkie and I have had to work extra hard to keep my figure and keep my outside looking great. But inside? Demons...sadness...depressed...envious...regret... all those things that come from 25 years of "fun" drinks!
No mas! I surrender.
I have hid the alcoholism so well, for so long, from so many. If you were to ask any of my friends they would say I am not an alcoholic. If you were to ask my son, who lives with me, he would also say no. But the truth is, I have been a functioning alkie and I have had to work extra hard to keep my figure and keep my outside looking great. But inside? Demons...sadness...depressed...envious...regret... all those things that come from 25 years of "fun" drinks!
No mas! I surrender.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I can think of a couple of people that had no idea about me and found it hard to believe it.
And to me it doesn't make a lot of sense, because I was not that difficult to spot when it comes to the signs you see in a person's face.
But I guess that lack of insight must have had to do with the common notion that a person is evil or always seen drinking or smelling like it or some other sign if they are an alcoholic.
And to me it doesn't make a lot of sense, because I was not that difficult to spot when it comes to the signs you see in a person's face.
But I guess that lack of insight must have had to do with the common notion that a person is evil or always seen drinking or smelling like it or some other sign if they are an alcoholic.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
By the end everybody pretty much knew what was up...........my partner especially knew, but he is still blind to his own drinking issues, go figure.
I never really lied to myself, I knew I had a problem, but it wasn't a big deal to me. I had gotten so used to living like that, it just seemed common place, like you're supposed to wake up on Saturday and start drinking.
If I were single, I might still be drinking unfortunately, as most of my problems were with my partner when I was drinking and all the crazy antics I did. Since I have quit, no more issues of that nature.......
I never really lied to myself, I knew I had a problem, but it wasn't a big deal to me. I had gotten so used to living like that, it just seemed common place, like you're supposed to wake up on Saturday and start drinking.
If I were single, I might still be drinking unfortunately, as most of my problems were with my partner when I was drinking and all the crazy antics I did. Since I have quit, no more issues of that nature.......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
My big lie was through omission-- my family (parents, siblings, etc) lives far away, and I just didn't say anything about it. Finally, I ended up in rehab, and felt I had to explain it why they wouldn't be able to reach me for a month.
Since then, I've been pretty open about it, though I don't go blurting it to everyone I meet. I have no problems 'admitting' it when it comes up in conversation, though. I am not ashamed of it, and I am proper proud to be in recovery!
Since then, I've been pretty open about it, though I don't go blurting it to everyone I meet. I have no problems 'admitting' it when it comes up in conversation, though. I am not ashamed of it, and I am proper proud to be in recovery!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I thought I was hiding it really well, but when I stopped drinking there were some people who surprisingly (to me) were not surprised. For example, my best friend in the world didn't seem surprised at all. Others were shocked. Still others, for e.g. my little brother, think I don't need to be "in AA."
Most people just took it in stride and don't seem to care whether I drink or not haha.
The person I really focused on hiding it from was myself. Fortunately or unfortunately, a ton of bad things happened all at once that kind of made it impossible for me to remain in denial. Thank GOD!
Sobriety hasn't always been easy, well, life isn't easy .... but I can honestly say I never thought I would be this happy and at peace.
Most people just took it in stride and don't seem to care whether I drink or not haha.
The person I really focused on hiding it from was myself. Fortunately or unfortunately, a ton of bad things happened all at once that kind of made it impossible for me to remain in denial. Thank GOD!
Sobriety hasn't always been easy, well, life isn't easy .... but I can honestly say I never thought I would be this happy and at peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 191
I think we get away with covering stuff up because lots of people don't want to see it. You don't want your loved one/friend to have an addiction problem, so you just fail to notice all those signs. I have a sibling who's an addict, and when I found out, I was initially shocked but then realized all the signs I had seen that made it make a lot of sense. Had I been less emotionally involved in the situation, I probably would have clued in a little sooner.
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