Anyone here LOSE friends for not drinking anymore?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Anyone here LOSE friends for not drinking anymore?
I had already lost a couple of friends because I decided to quit drinking but one in particular kind of surprised me.
I have surprisingly found so far, that the non-drinking friends I have are fairly busy people who like to meet occasionally and are not mad if you are busy or have a lot going on and can't. But the drinking friends I have are either not as interested to hang out with me anymore or seem to have quit the friendship altogether and it seems like they also have a higher expectation of hanging out more often. I just discovered that one of them deleted me on FB.
I have surprisingly found so far, that the non-drinking friends I have are fairly busy people who like to meet occasionally and are not mad if you are busy or have a lot going on and can't. But the drinking friends I have are either not as interested to hang out with me anymore or seem to have quit the friendship altogether and it seems like they also have a higher expectation of hanging out more often. I just discovered that one of them deleted me on FB.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
If they aren't supporting you hun, they are not real friends anyway It happened to me as well and I just didn't need them in my life...they were only drinking buddies...as sad as that was to acknowledge at first thats all we shared...a bottle...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Yes, goldengirl. I have distanced myself from one of my best friends. He drinks daily. We used to sit on the phone for hours and just bitch, bitch, bitch about how unfair the world is, how other people had it so much easier, what the government should do or not do, basically we were telling the entire world how to act. All the while I couldn't even get up by 9am to go to work!!! What a f'ing joke I was.
My opinion is my sober friends require so much less maitenence than my drinking friends. My drinking friends get there feelings hurt all the time, seem to have low self esteem, look for fights, try and bring me down (because misery loves company). The freinds I have in AA are not like that. I'm not saying they are perfect, but my expectations of them and their expectations of me seem to be what a true friendship is.
On a side note, and this sounds crazy. I actually drank too much for my old drinking friends LOL... At the end of my drinking, I basically only had a few friends left. I ended up drinking so much that I even turned them off. Think of that. I was able to have drunks look at me and say "Man, that guys drinks too much".... Funny how years before I would say the same thing about them.
I don't need that today. I wish them all well. I just know that I am a better person today than I was a few weeks ago. For me, sobriety is number 1 right now. Anyone who truly cares for me when be on board. The people who have a problem with it will just fall by the wayside and I'm 100% fine with that.
As for the deletion on facebook. I remember doing that. Being drunk and in my office and getting mad at someone's post. I would think "I'll show them, and I'd delete them". Then wake up the next morning and not even remembering doing that. We're like little kids when we drink. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore!
My opinion is my sober friends require so much less maitenence than my drinking friends. My drinking friends get there feelings hurt all the time, seem to have low self esteem, look for fights, try and bring me down (because misery loves company). The freinds I have in AA are not like that. I'm not saying they are perfect, but my expectations of them and their expectations of me seem to be what a true friendship is.
On a side note, and this sounds crazy. I actually drank too much for my old drinking friends LOL... At the end of my drinking, I basically only had a few friends left. I ended up drinking so much that I even turned them off. Think of that. I was able to have drunks look at me and say "Man, that guys drinks too much".... Funny how years before I would say the same thing about them.
I don't need that today. I wish them all well. I just know that I am a better person today than I was a few weeks ago. For me, sobriety is number 1 right now. Anyone who truly cares for me when be on board. The people who have a problem with it will just fall by the wayside and I'm 100% fine with that.
As for the deletion on facebook. I remember doing that. Being drunk and in my office and getting mad at someone's post. I would think "I'll show them, and I'd delete them". Then wake up the next morning and not even remembering doing that. We're like little kids when we drink. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
I have been battling this issue too. ALL of my friends pretty much have been drinkers. I guess that saying "bird of a feather flock together" explains it, right?
I am struggling with having to miss one of my best friends 30th birthday because it is going to be in Vegas. My main reason for not going is the cost but then I think to myself, I don't really want to be in that partying environment at all. I have zero interest in that now. I feel friendships slipping away but it happens, right....people tend to go in different directions in life. I lost other friends because of my partying lifestyle. I am learning to accept it but it is hard. I really want to make new friends that share the same lifestyle as me of being a non drinker. It's hard though....
I am struggling with having to miss one of my best friends 30th birthday because it is going to be in Vegas. My main reason for not going is the cost but then I think to myself, I don't really want to be in that partying environment at all. I have zero interest in that now. I feel friendships slipping away but it happens, right....people tend to go in different directions in life. I lost other friends because of my partying lifestyle. I am learning to accept it but it is hard. I really want to make new friends that share the same lifestyle as me of being a non drinker. It's hard though....
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
You will find that life is always in a state of flux and your life will undergo permutations until the day you die...
It took me as long time to figure that out. I have friends that I can still hang out with, even though they still drink. I have other friends that turned into jesus freaks and have nothing to do with me. I have one that is a pothead and somewhat psycho and I have nothing to do with him...
In 1988, all of these people were my closest "friends..."
I spent a lot of years missing all the times we would all hang out together & party. Now, I couldn't care less. I decided that the past had to go.
I threw away all of my high school yearbooks and disassociated myself from the entire crowd. I had a brief facebook reunion with them, then deleted even that.
Who needs them? Life is NOW, not THEN... The here & now is what matters most.
It took me as long time to figure that out. I have friends that I can still hang out with, even though they still drink. I have other friends that turned into jesus freaks and have nothing to do with me. I have one that is a pothead and somewhat psycho and I have nothing to do with him...
In 1988, all of these people were my closest "friends..."
I spent a lot of years missing all the times we would all hang out together & party. Now, I couldn't care less. I decided that the past had to go.
I threw away all of my high school yearbooks and disassociated myself from the entire crowd. I had a brief facebook reunion with them, then deleted even that.
Who needs them? Life is NOW, not THEN... The here & now is what matters most.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Do you guys find that the drinking friends expect you to meet up or go out at least every week? I've found that my non-drinking friends don't seem to care that I'm not as available to hang out while I'm working on myself. And some of them don't even know that that is why I've pulled back. But a few of the drinker friends almost seem offended.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
I definatly lost some "friends" when I quit drinking but the true ones have stuck around and supported me when times were tough. It seems pretty normal to discover in sobriety that there are a lot of people out there who were nothing more then drinking buddies. Take away the drinking and we really don't have much in common.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by goldengirl3 
Do you guys find that the drinking friends expect you to meet up or go out at least every week? I've found that my non-drinking friends don't seem to care that I'm not as available to hang out while I'm working on myself. And some of them don't even know that that is why I've pulled back. But a few of the drinker friends almost seem offended.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I haven't lost any friends, in fact I have retained my friends ever since I quit drinking and they want to hang out with me even more now. If you lost friends, maybe they weren't real friends.
Ozone Ranger
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dazed and confused
Posts: 138
Sometimes our "change" appears threatening to those we hung with. We are doing something different. There is comfort in the familiar. Even if the familiar is killing them, it is what they know. For some, their reaction to change is to reject the concept of change, including the messenger. That isn't about you. It's about how they deal with changes. We have no control over that.
Be assured that if there is something of value in the relationships, that value will survive the change. The relationships may not be over, they just might be on hold for a while. They may change. You may outgrow them. By focusing on our recovery, we are developing more to bring to our relationships, regardless of what the description of the relationship. We will become better friends. Better partners. Better people.
We've come to spot in our lives that we need a rebuild. Like a car. It's an improvement everyone will benefit from. And like the car rebuild, there is little to be gained by putting it off. It will take some time and patience. And work. You may find that what you want in friends changes.
This is one of the hard areas of beginning recovery. What we held in high value and importance may have to be set temporarily aside, until we work out a new path for ourselves. That is the hand we have been dealt. Play it for all its worth, as its the only one you get. Later, you can draw different cards, hold, fold. Or run. Just give yourself a chance to make the choices of your own free will, and not because some monkey is gnawing on your back.
Right now, its all about that monkey.
Be assured that if there is something of value in the relationships, that value will survive the change. The relationships may not be over, they just might be on hold for a while. They may change. You may outgrow them. By focusing on our recovery, we are developing more to bring to our relationships, regardless of what the description of the relationship. We will become better friends. Better partners. Better people.
We've come to spot in our lives that we need a rebuild. Like a car. It's an improvement everyone will benefit from. And like the car rebuild, there is little to be gained by putting it off. It will take some time and patience. And work. You may find that what you want in friends changes.
This is one of the hard areas of beginning recovery. What we held in high value and importance may have to be set temporarily aside, until we work out a new path for ourselves. That is the hand we have been dealt. Play it for all its worth, as its the only one you get. Later, you can draw different cards, hold, fold. Or run. Just give yourself a chance to make the choices of your own free will, and not because some monkey is gnawing on your back.
Right now, its all about that monkey.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I've gained friends. Not just recovery friends either. Now that I don't have my head up my butt I am more open and available and more "real" with people and it turns out that people respond to that in me. This is very different for me than when I was drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Originally Posted by goldengirl3
Do you guys find that the drinking friends expect you to meet up or go out at least every week? I've found that my non-drinking friends don't seem to care that I'm not as available to hang out while I'm working on myself. And some of them don't even know that that is why I've pulled back. But a few of the drinker friends almost seem offended.
Yes, discontent, irrateable, and selfishness is the root of our problem (big book paraphrase). I think it's a trait that is in most alcoholics. I remember when I was drinking heavily I was offended ALL THE TIME. Remember to, that a part of them is probably using you to justify their own drinking. Much easier to say you're "partying" if you're in a group. Without you they have less of a group.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
By the end of my drinking....all my friends were
at best...excessive drinkers.
Most drifted away ..
However...that gave me an opportunity to meet sober
AA members who shared my new goal and lifestyle.
at best...excessive drinkers.
Most drifted away ..
However...that gave me an opportunity to meet sober
AA members who shared my new goal and lifestyle.
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
I have drifted away from past friends mainly due to me no longer drinking... I have not completely cut off ties with most if any of them and it hasn't reciprocated on to me in that fashion either.
I really wouldn't let it bother you too much, if someone wants to no longer be friends with you because you no longer drink than they aren't worth your friendship and honestly they are probably sick in some ways there own selves.
I really wouldn't let it bother you too much, if someone wants to no longer be friends with you because you no longer drink than they aren't worth your friendship and honestly they are probably sick in some ways there own selves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 82
I lost some as well too. But then I realized that they werent real friends anyway. Just drinking friends. And I realized that it is not fare to me to have to go to the bar all the time and watch them drink if I wanted to see them. If they were true friends they would have no problem say grabbing some dinner, going to a movie etc. But that was not so. So I had to move on for my sake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
I really wouldn't let it bother you too much, if someone wants to no longer be friends with you because you no longer drink than they aren't worth your friendship and honestly they are probably sick in some ways there own selves.
Doesn't really matter...just observing some human natures in the whole thing. I feel it's best to keep a lot my business my business and that's just the way it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by reggiewayne
Yes, goldengirl. I have distanced myself from one of my best friends. He drinks daily. We used to sit on the phone for hours and just bitch, bitch, bitch about how unfair the world is, how other people had it so much easier, what the government should do or not do, basically we were telling the entire world how to act. All the while I couldn't even get up by 9am to go to work!!! What a f'ing joke I was.
My opinion is my sober friends require so much less maitenence than my drinking friends. My drinking friends get there feelings hurt all the time, seem to have low self esteem, look for fights, try and bring me down (because misery loves company). The freinds I have in AA are not like that. I'm not saying they are perfect, but my expectations of them and their expectations of me seem to be what a true friendship is.
On a side note, and this sounds crazy. I actually drank too much for my old drinking friends LOL... At the end of my drinking, I basically only had a few friends left. I ended up drinking so much that I even turned them off. Think of that. I was able to have drunks look at me and say "Man, that guys drinks too much".... Funny how years before I would say the same thing about them.
I don't need that today. I wish them all well. I just know that I am a better person today than I was a few weeks ago. For me, sobriety is number 1 right now. Anyone who truly cares for me when be on board. The people who have a problem with it will just fall by the wayside and I'm 100% fine with that.
As for the deletion on facebook. I remember doing that. Being drunk and in my office and getting mad at someone's post. I would think "I'll show them, and I'd delete them". Then wake up the next morning and not even remembering doing that. We're like little kids when we drink. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore!
My opinion is my sober friends require so much less maitenence than my drinking friends. My drinking friends get there feelings hurt all the time, seem to have low self esteem, look for fights, try and bring me down (because misery loves company). The freinds I have in AA are not like that. I'm not saying they are perfect, but my expectations of them and their expectations of me seem to be what a true friendship is.
On a side note, and this sounds crazy. I actually drank too much for my old drinking friends LOL... At the end of my drinking, I basically only had a few friends left. I ended up drinking so much that I even turned them off. Think of that. I was able to have drunks look at me and say "Man, that guys drinks too much".... Funny how years before I would say the same thing about them.
I don't need that today. I wish them all well. I just know that I am a better person today than I was a few weeks ago. For me, sobriety is number 1 right now. Anyone who truly cares for me when be on board. The people who have a problem with it will just fall by the wayside and I'm 100% fine with that.
As for the deletion on facebook. I remember doing that. Being drunk and in my office and getting mad at someone's post. I would think "I'll show them, and I'd delete them". Then wake up the next morning and not even remembering doing that. We're like little kids when we drink. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore!
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