Nyte Byrd

I found in early sobriety (in 1987) if I wanted to stay sober, I needed to avoid people, places and things. So I think it's normal that some friends are going to resent that they feel you may be shunning them.

One mistake I made was telling a friend, I couldn't hang out with "John" anymore was because he was too much of an influence on me. Well, this was relayed to him and when we talked, he was quite upset. And he had every right to be. Ya, see, as he pointed out to me in that phone conversation, it was me and another friend who first turned him on to heroin. And we were a few years older than him. We should have been setting a better example for him actually (in hind sight). I explained to him what I actually meant was that us hanging together would just be a trigger and I didn't mean to make it sound as if he would be 'responsible' for anything, so at least that cleared it up. When I got some time under my belt, I was able to get together with him when I learned he at least stopped doing drugs....but he was still drinking. And usually that was with his family, as he had gotten married since with a kid.

But it's been my experience since and watching others, that if you give it about six months, I will bet at least one, if not two, of those same friends who may resent you now, will approach you, and ask if whatever you are doing is really working for you. And that will be because they will probably want what you have. Sobriety.

Give it some time. Trust. But more importantly, don't give in to any temptation of those people, places and things meanwhile.

There are harder ways to lose those friends. Ya see, John, just died this past year from liver cancer at 55. He had HEP C, just as I do. He just couldn't stop drinking and just couldn't bring himself to get any help.

Kjell

Oh yeah, no question. I'm assuming this is fairly normal when one gets sober.

I had to kick a few to the curb (just too dangerous for me to be around that lifestyle)

...and

I also got kicked to the curb by a few (as a direct result of my drinking and being a jerk)
...but a few, actually said goodbye to me b/c I'm off little or no interest without the alcohol and drugs. I was a big party guy and very, very social. Now I'm simply not. This is the one that hurts the most. It makes me feel less than.

Kjell

pennywistle

I relate very well. A lot of my friends didn't 'get it' when I told them I needed some time away from them because they didn't see the destruction of my drinking (in the end I drank alone) and so they didn't think I had a problem. And for some of them they were in denial because it was too uncomfortable for them to think about for the very reason that it shed light on their own drinking. I really found out who my true friends are and aren't, and still going through that process.
I am looking forward to making new friends that don't drink and still know how to party, as I've been told and have seen it in other people's recovery.
It can and will happen! Good luck.

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey KJell, yeah its strange. I heard it described once. That when you first start drinking you feel like things are opening up socially, in every respect your world is expanding because you found that 'missing link' then when you stop it feels like your world is collapsing because it is getting so small... eventually you pass through the bottleneck and your world opens up to be bigger than you ever thought possible... at least thats how it happened for me

Much love

Clayton

Kjell

I like the sound of that Clayton. I think I'm going through the "bottleneck" at the moment.

Thanks.

goldengirl3

That I would be curious to see. I've already had one come around a couple of times that seemed to be thinking about it but then disappeared. My impression is that he was looking to see if I would still enable him but surprised at how I was doing.

That particular person was really mad that I was quitting.

Kmber2010

^^^^
Agreed!

sazza

I am struggling with friendship issues also. I haven't told anybody outside immediate family (3 people) that I no longer drink.

Only one friend has straight out asked me if I am not drinking anymore, why I am not drinking. I just said I didn't feel like it anymore. She told my boss that buying me a bottle of wine was not a good idea as I was not drinking.

She was a very close friend, we worked together and also socialised alot outside of work, actually we always drank outside of work together.

Ha just re-read that paragraph and think I have answered my own question there. My friend seems to have an issue with me not drinking. Oh well....

splendra

I did not loose any real friends that's for sure.

foghead

I agree with chloe....i sometimes find it hard to like the friends i have and become withdrawn for a few days then i get pissed off with myself for being withdrawn and then force myself to try like the friends i have. Im hoping this is just a phase im going through since im only about 40 days sober and my emotions and thoughts are a bit whacked. I have days were i cant even stand myself!!

onlythetruth

I didn't lose any friends, because by the end of my drinking, I was isolating myself in my house and not going anywhere.

My biggest problem when I quit drinking was that I could not avoid my drinking companion (me) and environment (my house).

OTT

Quickened

I know my life is going to change because of my choice to not drink. in 2010 the numbers have dwindled alot but i am ok with that. My life can't revolve around my friends like it has most of the time.

For a long time thats all i thought about. Partying with friends and having this "great time". What a degenerate i was. For me... its ok not to see those people as i once did. I try to remember that throughout life we will gain and lose relationships.

When i went to highschool i didnt have classes with anyone i knew. It was hard starting over and thats when i met all my drinking buddies that i still talk to today. but now that i am quitting i know its not an environment I can be in.

Starting over is hard but i can rest easy because i also know that It will be a benefit to me. All things happen for a reason. I see it as a time to work on myself and my patience as i learn to meet new people without the crutch of alcohol.

Toronto68

I am guessing it's probably best to just keep going and not be bothered as they drop off. I think I have one friend who has dropped off, and another couple that might fit into that category, but they had been headed that way for a while anyway. Part of me has felt hesitant about my reaction to that, because it reminds me of sort of dramatic behavior in myself in the past that would drop people once things didn't suit me and I felt betrayed, etc. In other words, I would question whether I was showing signs of more alcoholic behavior in my thinking patterns (resentment, for example). But I am comfortable I know what I am doing, because it only fits into the right thing to do for me (not being around someone who will want to drink like clockwork). If someone doesn't want you on their Facebook, chalk that up to being spared an awkward conversation and move on.