tmbg

PF, I've been thinking about you since I read your post earlier today, and I have to tell you: when I started AA, the one thing that got to me the most was listening to women who lost/endangered their kids because of their alcoholism---not because they didn't love their children. I've read stories about the same thing here on SR. Your pregnancy post was one of those stories.

So when does "tipsy" become "drunk?" The more I look at my own alcoholism and the more I see myself in the stories, the more I realize that I can keep lowering the bar on behavior as long as I drink. For me, there were times I couldn't drive my daughter because I was too drunk. Not tipsy. Drunk. Now if it would be a felony to drive drunk with my child...what about an emergency happening in the house? What if something happened at school and I had to get there? These things happen.

I kept remembering what it was like to see my own mother drunk or, if you will, "tipsy" and then, as things progressed, passed out on the sofa (not pretty at all), and then winced to think of my own daughter's perception of me being the same (worse! It's me doing it). Well, I was the mother my daughter was seeing. And I never thought I'd be there.

It was a big step for me when I decided to be *totally* honest about my drinking, especially with my doctor--it meant that I couldn't bs anyone (including myself) anymore with any real conviction. And believe me, my alcoholism wanted me to bs everyone.

SSIL75

Oh I have been there. It's a horrible, shame filled place. I've been thinking about it a lot today, actually because I had a situation with my son last night that I was proud of and I feel gutted as to how many opportunities there were in the past few years that I missed because I was drinking, hungover or wanting to drink.

I can't go back but I can go forward and so can you. STOP lying to yourself. Getting rid of the alcohol takes no time at all.

MsCooterBrown

and im not gonna drink in front of my kids alone anymore.

If I were in charge of editing..I would change the above to I'm not going to drink anymore PERIOD. Even saying it over and over in your head as you go to sleep will help.
You have to get it in your head that drinking is no longer an option. This just scares me. At this point..after re-reading your posts (round 2 for me) an intervention may be required. Those babies need all the love you can give them. That is what makes me sad.

SSIL75

Agree. Pink it really worries me that you don't seem to realize that you need to quit, 100%? And I have been there with all the stupid rules and exhausting but but buts. You cannot drink.ever.again. There are no circumstances under which drinking is a good idea for you. It doesn't matter if the kids are there or not. If you have your kids shipped off to your MIL so you can drink alone. If you're out with friends. It's ALWAYS a bad idea for an alcoholic to drink. Always.

It took me seriously like 3 years or something to figure that out. My son is 4.5 and has only had a real present mother for 4 months. IMO and IME It's impossible to be a good mother and an active alcoholic. Impossible. With half your brain in a bottle 24 hours a day (whether you're drinking in that actual moment or not, chances are you're anticipating your next drink or regretting your last).

Impossible.

Kmber2010

Pink....I have read all of your posts and always wish you well as I do today. Speaking from true experience and living too many years by the bottle......quitting doesn't take time my friend. Quitting is now....this minute... stopping. What comes next is recovery....and THAT is what takes time.

You can do this Pink.

Fandy

Pink, I simple step to help you in wanting to quit (assuming you really do want to)...is to just remove the booze from your house...that way you won't "drink in front of the children" and you won't drink after they are asleep....

what are you going to do if you are unable to respond?

i hope part of your counciling includes you facing the fact that you don't have the ability to moderate your drinking.

it's particularly hard during the holidays, but i hope your family supports your efforts. make this your best holiday to remember by being sober.

kiki5711

It's actually quite annoying to have a drink when you know you'll have to respond any minute to one of the babies. The interruption of the buzz is a killjoy and I can't even understand why you like it.

Seems to me getting a little nap in between taking care of them both is more worthwhile than a drink.

good luck.

johndelko408

Even if you don't drink around them they will eventually have to come home. Then what? It's not as if you can sober up at the snap of a finger. If the court system deems it necessary to take your children away from you, is that going to be an excuse to drink all day? If you don't take the first drink you can't get drunk, or tipsy as you call it.

reggiewayne

Pinkfirefly... Hell yes I've been there. I used to see nothing wrong with drinking when I was with the kids. After all, I was just having a few. It's legal right? I'm not falling down drunk. The disease tells you / me that it's OK. I remember going into to check on the baby and being ashamed that I had to stink like booze. I remember after reading my son a bedtime story purposely not kissing him goodnight because my breath reaked of booze. I remember putting the kids to bed early because I had to hit CVS before it closed. I REMEMBER ALL OF IT.

As AA says. We will learn a new freedom. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Luckily nothing ever happened to me when I was with my kids. I love my kids more than anything. The bottom line is I'm addicted to alcohol and when I am on a spree other things fall by the wayside. Now that I know that about myself it's up to me to take action and try and make myself better.

I have found AA. I now work with a sponsor, work the steps, work with other people, participate in this site, and try and do the next right thing. As the saying goes, it's not the 10th drink that gets me drunk, it's the first. I think that even with my sobreity, if I were to have one of my old favorite drinks (whiskey and coke) that once that booze hit my body the allergy would kick in and I wouldn't stop until I went to sleep. All I can do is not take that first drink. If I don't have the first one, I can't have the 10th one.

You made a mistake that you probably didn't think you'd make when you were pregnant with your first child. It's now up to you do something about it. Try a meeting. What do you have to lose?

bdiddy5522

The title of your thread is "What kind of Mom am I"? And that is pretty easy to answer. You are an alcoholic Mom that needs to put the plug in the jug! We are ALL alcoholics here, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. We are powerless over alcohol, simple as that. Some of us have stopped, and some of us are still trying to. The fact that you keep coming here shows that you want to stop, and that is great!

Now it is time to take the steps to actually stopping. Coming here and feeling guilty about your drinking does not help. What if one of your kids has to be rushed to the ER and you are drunk? I ask you this because I used to ask myself the same question because like you, I also drank until my daughter was just over one year old. And thank God nothing happened to her while I was home alone with her. But what if she needed emergency help while I was drinking or "sleeping" and something happened to her? I can't imagine living with that guilt. The guilt of choosing alcohol over my daughter and something terrible happened that I could have prevented had I been sober. I pray you never have to live with that guilt.

You will not find anyone here that will condone what you are doing. What you will find is a whole group of people here that truly want to see you succeed and get help and be the mother you want to be. We are here to help. Now we just hope you want to help yourself.

TheMaster

You have basically answered your own question... If you can't stop it, then go to an AA meeting. Share your story. They are there to help.

If the religious stuff irks you, ignore that part and take what you need from the meetings.

Do it for your kids... I drank when I had my daughter, too, but only at night when she was either in bed or about to go to bed. Not in the afternoon...

Does your husband know about this? I would have been livid if I found out my wife was doing this...

hellochickee

Oh the stories I could tell.

Pink, it will only get worse. Your disease LIES to you about that though. That's how it works, see? It tells you it's ok, you need it, you deserve it, hell they're driving you nuts. Your disease tells you "just this one last time." It tells you, "just to take the edge off". It tells you "you can control it".

Every time you do something that is harmful to you or your babies it's because you listened to your disease whispering in your ear.

I cannot judge you. I did what you did and worse. WAY worse. My girl could have been taken from me, I could have killed us both. I'll spare you the gory details, but if you can imagine it, I probably did it. And you'd never expect that from me to look at me...I'm a successful, responsible business owner. And I'm an alcoholic.

And some point you have to realize you've lost the choice to drink or not and you are truly powerless over it. Embrace the idea you have a disease and it will get worse because it's progressive.

I pray that you find the willingness to get help. I knew it took far too long for me to find that willingness and hurt myself and my daughter daily until I did.

Best to you and your kids.

Justfor1

If (god forbid) something does happen with the kids and Child Protective Services come into your life it will be a nightmare. The agency makes it extremely difficult for the parent(s) to keep the kids. The CPS agency workers frequently do not look at the disease aspect of alcoholism and focus on the criminality and rights they can impose. I do think that having one or two cocktails does not hinder your ability to parent, however, CPS would certainly be interested if they are ever involved. I think other poster are being a bit harsh with you and just want to let you know that you are not alone.

suki44883

Pink, you KNOW the answers to your questions. You ask them here over and over and get the same responses. You KNOW you need help, so again I ask...what is stopping you from getting the help you know you need?

c49

Why is there alcohol in the house?

And FYI.... if either of your children have an accident that needs attention - you cannot drive them. Even if you got a ride the Doctors, the staff would report your drunkedness to social services. So say goodbye to your kids.

Drinking has consequences... You need to make a decision. Sobriety or find a caretaker for your children... I'm scared for them.

TheMaster

And rightly so.

The sick person's rights end where the rights of the innocent children begin...

I'm not saying she's a bad mom, but that is seriously playing with fire.

ZZworldontheweb

I hope pinkie is reading all this. Great stuff guys. Pink, are you out there? Will you surface and promise us you'll get help and stop?

pinkfirefly

yes. thank you all guys. i have read all your stuff. its all some great advice. i really appreciate it. i really am trying. and i will do it, i will over come this. I am trying so hard now. i really want to be a good mother to my children, and always there for them. they are my whole world.

ZZworldontheweb

We know you're trying but almost nobody can do it by themselves. Will you promise us you'll talk to your doctor and go to an AA meeting? Please do, you seem so sweet, don't become a statistic.

Muunray

Don't miss out on sharing life with your children, it is a great gift!
I did.
My 18 year old daughter still is very resentful towards me.
At least I have now with them.
You can have oh so much more being sober - don't let it slip through your fingers.