DrunkenBasement

I am not sure where to put this, so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I had a thought this morning that really upset me. I had a friend who worked at the ranch where I learned how to ride and leased a horse for a few years. She taught me so much about horses, and sold me a bunch of tack that I still have and use on the occasion that I ride. Anyway, she was an alcoholic. She drank on the job and everybody knew it and she didn't really try hard to hide it. On some level, I knew I had my own problem but was in denial or trying not to think much about it. Because of her problem, she was very moody -- sometimes very happy-go-lucky, other times angry and critical and argumentative. You never knew which you would get, or when the switch would happen. She ended up leaving the ranch and taking her horse and going to work someplace else, but we kept in touch a bit, as a lot of the other people from the ranch did with her. At some point, there were stories going around about how unstable she was and how she was going "crazy" and the consensus was pretty much that we should all just give up on her. She was manipulative, back-stabbing, blah blah blah. We talked a few times and my heart kept telling me that I should stay in touch with her and "help" her (how I don't know) but everyone was saying that it just wasn't worth it, that she'd take advantage of me and I'd be left in the dust. So we lost touch. I stopped leasing because it got too expensive, so I didn't go to the ranch much anymore. About 6 months later I was giving a final exam and I got an e-mail from one of the ranch owners saying that there would be a "service" for my friend. I was confused and hurt. I hadn't known she died. I figured I knew how it happened, but I wanted to make sure so I e-mailed her back. Yep, she had committed suicide. Apparently they had tried to reach me by phone, but I had changed my number, so they e-mailed me instead.
I felt awful. I knew logically that I couldn't have done anything, but I felt guilty anyway. For some reason, today I really started thinking about the situation and realized that that guilt stemmed from knowing that I had the same alcohol problem and in that way, I understood what she was going through in ways that no one else did. Did I abandon her because I didn't want them to know about MY problem? I have no idea, I just know that I am feeling that guilt ten-fold today.

CarolD

DB

It's tragic and I'm sorry your friend died.
I too have lost alcholic friends from various causes

You could do something today in her memory.
Add a Christmas toy to the drive ..Toys For Tots.
Drop money into the Sally basket.
Go to a Catholic church....light a candle

and of course...pray for her her loved ones.

Again....sorry to know of her death.

DrunkenBasement

Thank you, Carol. Those are great ideas.
I do have some toys that I am going to give to a toy drive.
I don't know why, but today I just suddenly felt overwhelmed by emotion about this. It happened last year, but it just dawned on me today that my heart was tugging at me to stay connected with her because we had a common problem, one that I was not ready to face, and I feel horrible that I let her go.

DayTrader

DB..... if nothing else, the lesson here can be what happens when our disease is left untreated. Some ppl DO drink themselves to death.......or overdose. A whole lot of us don't wait for that way out though, we speed up the process. That's where I was headed anyway...... For me, had I not found recovery and latched onto it like I have, I can promise you, suicide would have been the most merciful way out.

If nothing else, stories like that remind me to darn-well think twice before I start determining to what lengths I'm willing to go to for sobriety. Do I reeeeeeally wanna risk that outcome if "my version" of a recovery program doesn't work?

In a way, your friend carried the most powerful lesson there is in dealing with alcoholism........ that the stakes are the highest they can possibly be.......and that drunk or straight, living in the addiction lifestyle is unbearable for anyone.

BullDog777

i've lost several close friends to this terrible obsession. the longer you're around the sober rooms of AA or whatever, you see alot of people die from a direct or indirect result of the disease. it dosen't get easier, it just gets less suprising.


the first time i lost someone, i had heard that she had shot her boyfriend and then herself in the face. they both had been on a week long crack binge. she had about the same time i did when she relapsed. why? she had lost her job. what a terrible way to go.
the finality is something that is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around. chances are they both would have found new jobs by now. instead, a week long crack binge and that was it.

the second one that really bothered me was one of the first sponsors i ever had in AA stabbed himself in the heart when he found out his wife had cheated on him. he had 7 years before the week he relapsed.

both instances they were responsible for themselves. thier own actions and their own lives.

it's not your guilt to carry.

i think the hardest losses are the ones where people scream for help and relapse and relapse time after time. A guy i knew...Shawn was a terrible alcoholic who after probably 10 tries at rehab and probably 30-40 24 hour chips drank himself to death at the young age of 28. he really wanted sobriety, he just didn't want it bad enough.

it sucks that some people will just not get that this IS the easier, softer way.

i agree with Carol....get outside of yourself for awhile and do some community service. it always soothes the soul.

I'm sorry for your loss.

least

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I don't think you 'let her go' so much as she just 'left'. Another good way to honor her memory would be to stay sober yourself and live a happy life.

TheEnd

So sorry for your loss, but as I am learning everyday in my own situation, there isn't a lot we can do for other people who do not wish to be helped. I will keep you in my prayers.

CarolD

This is an old post of mine....on loseing friends
Sharing it again with hope it helps someone....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-friends.html

DrunkenBasement

Thanks, Carol. An eye-opener, to say the least.

johndelko408

My story is pretty much like Daytraders. When I first walked into the rooms of AA I myself was very suicidal. I had about 3 months of dry time (white knuckle sobriety) and I still had a lot of pain in my heart. I knew I didn't want to go back to drinking but i wanted the pain to stop. The only way I knew I could stop it was by taking my own life. I came very close one time. I was standing at an overpass contemplating whether to jump or not, when the next thing I know a cop walks up to me and me "you're not thinking of jumping are you?" I lied and said no but that I was tired because I had been walking for a long time. I proceeded walking home and I saw him make a uturn and go back to where I was standing. He got out of his car and looked down from the edge of the overpass to see if I did jump.

I thought about what I was about to do and I thought about my kids. Though my pain would have been gone it wouldn't be gone. It would have transferred to my kids and everyone else that loves me. I thought there had to be another way, so I tried AA. Unfortunately I can't say that I stayed sober upon my first arrival to the rooms. I've relapsed 3 times, but this time I'm almost to a year and I don't want to lose the time i have and I don't want to let my kids down.

Toronto68

DB, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I share something similar in a way, because I lost people to addiction, but these were not just friends (or ex-friends) but also past romantic involvements. I don't have the stories in full, but in one case I think it was an overdose (or asphyxiation) and in the other it was definitely a suicide (hanging) a couple of years after a return to drinking - after being sober for 12 years.

I had purged myself of both of them because I needed to move on and leave them behind. In the case of the first person, there was less attachment there, but the guilt did linger. And then with the second one, that was a much closer relationship. My everyday drinking was about to begin when I learned about the first one, and the final leg of my insular, at-home drinking career was underway when I found out about the second case.

A few New Years ago, I was overcome with an incredible sadness and fear while thinking about some work changes and then I started to think about the one who died from hanging, and I proceeded to finally mourn that one - but it also felt like it was more about myself and my fears. I hadn't really mourned properly, so I didn't know what to think.

Now I think that guilt was one of the things that brought on that personal drama in me, and I felt some more of it in the last year, since I quit drinking. I remember saying some really awful things too, before the one who commited suicide returned to drinking, so I have carried some guilt over that. A whole other story I have not worked out is the notion that I somehow killed my parents (but I didn't, it was my shame that told me quietly that I did). There's a lot mixed in there. My alcoholism had been attached to post-relationship coping and bereavement a few times over.

Logically I see that I was "not that significant" to have caused or influenced any of these things and I didn't own the paths that these people took. Emotionally I have accepted a little more that all of the paths are separate, and that has supported me a little more in my own path. It still has some healing to do though. Alcoholism LOVES guilt, fear, resentment, bereavement...I guess Oprah was right years ago when she said that fear and love were two really huge factors in a person's life (if I remember correctly what she said).

We can only do so much. We have to accept when we can do something and when we can't. Each person has to do this in their own way, and it sounds like a really cold or lonesome thought, but I think this is what picks us up. In fact, I am still new to this, but I think we are better at being together with others in whatever ways when we figure out how to handle our own paths.

I hope I'm right and that this does you some good or gets you thinking of your own solutions.

oakleaf82

Good advice.

I know someone who passed recently due to addiction. In my opinion, he was an alcoholic. He passed out one night after a night of partying which included drinking and other drugs and never woke up. The sad part was, his "friends" knew something was wrong but waited to call 911. Why? I assume they were worried they would be in trouble themselves if the cops showed up and there were drugs in the house. But yet they all cried "why" at his funeral. Addiction does this to people and it is a really sad thing when people's judgments are so clouded by the substances they put in their bodies that they can't even call 911 when their friend isn't breathing.

I've done a lot of thinking about it and I've come to the conclusion that HE is the one who decided to drink for years and years (causing health problems that may have been a factor in his death) and HE was the one who drank and did drugs that night. No one made him do it. You can't let yourself feel guilty over this.