tired of changing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bham, al
Posts: 6
tired of changing
i'm 5 months sober and i have changed more than anyone probably expected me to. i look at life totally different that i used to and when i was talking to a good ole drinking buddy of mine; he told me that the reason we drink is bc life is changing so fast and we're not used to it, so we drink to slow it down to our pace. if i've pondered on this once i've pondered a thousand times. i feel like i'm constantly battleing myself, my family, my choices, my job. i'm making clearer decisions for sure, and i'm happy with them, but i keep looking at my life like it's a flash of lightening. my g/f doesn't drink and never has, but it's like since i've been sober (like she wanted) i've been putting a lot of stress on us. tonight i usually go to church, and i decided not to. she went without me of course, and therefore i feel a little bad... but damn!! why does someone including myself expect me to keep changing. i just want to sit still for a few days and not talk or bring up my past. i'm trying to leave it behind; not talk about it all the time. i heard a testimony the other night where this girl wouldn't talk about her past because God put it in the dark for a reason. so the devil wouldn't have a chance to throw thoughts, questions whatever back in her face while she was living in the light. great testimony, i feel the same too... but i constantly feel like i have to change for somebody (eventhough i don't!?!?!). anyways.... i'm tired of so many changes, my life has changed so much this year and i don't think i can handle one more something or another kind of change. lol right now at this moment, i don't think i would change the fact of being sober... i'm happy with that change. it's just all these thoughts of change and what's in the future is getting me. thanks for all the posts! keep em coming.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I dunno bebop. I drank for years because I hated change, I hated not having control of everything.
Now I accept change is inevitable. Life is a journey - life is change. And I have faith if I let go the reins a little things will still be ok
D
Now I accept change is inevitable. Life is a journey - life is change. And I have faith if I let go the reins a little things will still be ok
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Hi Bebop, I am thinking that you are putting more pressure on yourself than anyone else is.
Your post seems full of anxiety and stress. I am curious as to why you feel so much pressure about "change?" You stopped taking a drug. You have made a HUGE change. That is plenty. Congratulations on deciding to live your life sober!
The Buddhists talk about the idea that we humans always feel a need to pin down something permanent, something solid, and that is the reason for a basic human feeling of unease.
Dee is right; when we accept the impermanence and the "temporary-ness" of everything, including ourselves and this moment...we can let go...and let each moment take care of itself. Life is fluid, nothing is permanent, and the sooner we can become comforted by that fact, actually, instead of needing comfort in the opposite (something permanent) we can breathe easier. (IMO)
Five months sober is an enormous achievement and you have done well.
Hugs,
Soph
Your post seems full of anxiety and stress. I am curious as to why you feel so much pressure about "change?" You stopped taking a drug. You have made a HUGE change. That is plenty. Congratulations on deciding to live your life sober!
The Buddhists talk about the idea that we humans always feel a need to pin down something permanent, something solid, and that is the reason for a basic human feeling of unease.
Dee is right; when we accept the impermanence and the "temporary-ness" of everything, including ourselves and this moment...we can let go...and let each moment take care of itself. Life is fluid, nothing is permanent, and the sooner we can become comforted by that fact, actually, instead of needing comfort in the opposite (something permanent) we can breathe easier. (IMO)
Five months sober is an enormous achievement and you have done well.
Hugs,
Soph
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bham, al
Posts: 6
hey guys! thanks for the responces so fast. i've got a thought maybe... i'm a mechanic and i'm always having to adapt to new cars, old cars and junky cars also nasty cars.... i kinda wonder if the reasoning behind me putting pressure on myself to change is bc i'm always having to adapt to my work enviroment of each and every different car. just a thought to myself is that maybe i'm sub consiencly trying to change to each and every situation thoughout every enviroment of the day. very interesting thoughts soph and dee. this brings a question to mind about putting drinking behind me to move forward in my walk of faith. i guess i want to ask is do we ever really put this behind us... i don't want to be in front of God telling him i'm sorry i couldn't praise you as much as you would have liked me to b/c i was too busy trying to stay sober... i know i was known for a long time as an alcoholic... but i've caught myself telling more people about me sobering up than focusing on matters more than the past... or telling people about God or stuff like that.... does that make since? i know i'm happy about it... but, i'm getting tired of talking about it hahaha! or hearing stuff like you was easier to deal with when you was drinking... or in the middle of and arguement "you alcoholic!... i mean recovering alcoholic!" i mean damnt it man!!! i'm tired of trying to live the past down... people don't focus on the good you've done for them in the past but how bad you hurt them... they don't focus on the things you're doing... just the things you need to do. anyways i could go on and on thanks thought!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm thinkig your GF is adapting to the new you...
she too needs time to heal and trust you again.
Well done on your sober time....
Prayers for the two of you going out
she too needs time to heal and trust you again.
Well done on your sober time....
Prayers for the two of you going out
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hey bebop - just remember that God loves you just the way you are (we humans aren't always so gracious!), and you're right where you're supposed to be. So just enjoy your sobriety and trust that others will catch on eventually.
None of us is perfect or ever will be. Congrats on 5 months - that's wonderful!
None of us is perfect or ever will be. Congrats on 5 months - that's wonderful!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Bebop, I wonder how all this relates to your feelings about living in the present day and not outside of it.
Do you agree with the remark about anxiety in your post? I'm not sure if I can see that. The part about seeing your life like a flash of lightning is interesting.
I have noticed that I am not as productive as I used to be, even though I have gained strengths in other ways. There's a desire to just stay put a lot of times too. I have to keep going though. I don't know if that is similar or not.
Do you agree with the remark about anxiety in your post? I'm not sure if I can see that. The part about seeing your life like a flash of lightning is interesting.
I have noticed that I am not as productive as I used to be, even though I have gained strengths in other ways. There's a desire to just stay put a lot of times too. I have to keep going though. I don't know if that is similar or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bebop))) first of all, congratulations on 5 months!!!
I beat myself up, more than anyone ever could. It took a while, in recovery, for me to get past the hurts I had caused while using.
Everyone at work knew I'd been a crack addict (was hired while still in custody...work release program) and was pretty sensitive, at first, but finally got to where I could joke about it. Like, I smoke cigarettes...someone would say "got a lighter?" and I'd say "um, yeah, I'm a former crackhead, I usually have 3 or 4, some habits die hard" and just keep doing my job. By my ACTIONS..showing up to work, doing a good job, doing what I said I'd do, it really became a non-issue.
I now work another job and no one knows my past, but one guy. I also have over 3-1/2 years in recovery.
I won't ever forget where I was. I vividly remember my relapse, and I respect the really, really bad things it caused. However, I don't dwell on it. This took time, though, and I think it was more than 5 months. I thought I was doing great at a year, then my 2nd year, I was like "whoa, I've made some pretty good change since then".
Change is inevitable. It took me a while to realize my past no longer defines me. I think it's normal to want to just sit still, for a while, and relax. In fact, I think it's pretty darned important. I had to learn that talking about my recovery (other than sharing with other A's/RA's) wasn't necessary. My actions spoke way louder. Don't get me wrong...I talked about it a LOT at first. I think it's just a process we go through.
Give yourself a break. You're human, and you're in recovery. Our feelings are all over the place...feeling stuff we numbed out while we were drinking/using. It gets better, I promise
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I beat myself up, more than anyone ever could. It took a while, in recovery, for me to get past the hurts I had caused while using.
Everyone at work knew I'd been a crack addict (was hired while still in custody...work release program) and was pretty sensitive, at first, but finally got to where I could joke about it. Like, I smoke cigarettes...someone would say "got a lighter?" and I'd say "um, yeah, I'm a former crackhead, I usually have 3 or 4, some habits die hard" and just keep doing my job. By my ACTIONS..showing up to work, doing a good job, doing what I said I'd do, it really became a non-issue.
I now work another job and no one knows my past, but one guy. I also have over 3-1/2 years in recovery.
I won't ever forget where I was. I vividly remember my relapse, and I respect the really, really bad things it caused. However, I don't dwell on it. This took time, though, and I think it was more than 5 months. I thought I was doing great at a year, then my 2nd year, I was like "whoa, I've made some pretty good change since then".
Change is inevitable. It took me a while to realize my past no longer defines me. I think it's normal to want to just sit still, for a while, and relax. In fact, I think it's pretty darned important. I had to learn that talking about my recovery (other than sharing with other A's/RA's) wasn't necessary. My actions spoke way louder. Don't get me wrong...I talked about it a LOT at first. I think it's just a process we go through.
Give yourself a break. You're human, and you're in recovery. Our feelings are all over the place...feeling stuff we numbed out while we were drinking/using. It gets better, I promise
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Bebop... just IMO but it seems like what you're going through is "normal" (whatever THAT is...lol) and certainly common in sobriety. It's a big change.......and big changes "feel" funny, especially to an alkie - we tend to like to think we're in control of EVERYTHING and sobriety brings with it the realization that we're NOT in control of everything.
It's an adjustment and it doesn't always feel "good." In the past, when we didn't feel good, we could always run to the bottle and it would make us feel better - we had an escape hatch. Now that escape is gone....and we have to learn to cope with life. ...and it's unsettling.
I couldn't do it on my own.....I used the experience in AA to teach me how to use the steps to live my life by. Not only did it make the changes bearable, it's brought a whole new (and improved) meaning to my life. If you haven't given it a shot, it might be worth looking into. The program has saved a lot of our lives.
As far as being sick of changing.....heh.....get used to it. Much more is on the way.
I felt JUST like you. I'm a stockbroker and used to say it was all the constant adapting at work that got me sick and tired of adapting. Looking back, I was really just having a bit of an adult temper tantrum. I didn't "feel good" so I kicked, bucked, and complained about everything. ....pretty typical stuff for an alcoholic once the pacifier (booze) goes away.
Make no mistake, you're going to need to find a way to be happy in sobriety.....or you're be on thin ice that get's progressively thinner. I didn't know how to "do" that - be happy and not drink. That's the main reason I stuck with AA in my first year - to figure out how those guys lived sober and (seemingly) happily. Turns out I got a whole lot more from the program than just that.....and it's made a profound impact in my life.
check out the 24Hours A Day reading over in the 12-step forum for today (12/18/2010) (I highly recommend the book too, btw, it's a good one to read each AM in early sobriety). it's on-point for what you typed
It's an adjustment and it doesn't always feel "good." In the past, when we didn't feel good, we could always run to the bottle and it would make us feel better - we had an escape hatch. Now that escape is gone....and we have to learn to cope with life. ...and it's unsettling.
I couldn't do it on my own.....I used the experience in AA to teach me how to use the steps to live my life by. Not only did it make the changes bearable, it's brought a whole new (and improved) meaning to my life. If you haven't given it a shot, it might be worth looking into. The program has saved a lot of our lives.
As far as being sick of changing.....heh.....get used to it. Much more is on the way.
I felt JUST like you. I'm a stockbroker and used to say it was all the constant adapting at work that got me sick and tired of adapting. Looking back, I was really just having a bit of an adult temper tantrum. I didn't "feel good" so I kicked, bucked, and complained about everything. ....pretty typical stuff for an alcoholic once the pacifier (booze) goes away. Make no mistake, you're going to need to find a way to be happy in sobriety.....or you're be on thin ice that get's progressively thinner. I didn't know how to "do" that - be happy and not drink. That's the main reason I stuck with AA in my first year - to figure out how those guys lived sober and (seemingly) happily. Turns out I got a whole lot more from the program than just that.....and it's made a profound impact in my life.
check out the 24Hours A Day reading over in the 12-step forum for today (12/18/2010) (I highly recommend the book too, btw, it's a good one to read each AM in early sobriety). it's on-point for what you typed
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
when i read your post bebop21, the anxiety and stress didn't really associate so much with the changes that were happening or the speed in which you feel they are being applied to your life.....it just sounds like you're screaming for a break.
honestly, it just read like you're a bit "burned out" on everything. constantly working on yourself can be exhausting. take a break....go do something fun. go to an amusement park, or a football game, a vacation, to the beach....whatever. just try to relax for awhile and enjoy the outcome of your recent choices.
honestly, it just read like you're a bit "burned out" on everything. constantly working on yourself can be exhausting. take a break....go do something fun. go to an amusement park, or a football game, a vacation, to the beach....whatever. just try to relax for awhile and enjoy the outcome of your recent choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bham, al
Posts: 6
thanks everyone for the responses... tornto.. anxiety is a word that barely describes how i feel. i used to be on meds for anxiety when i started getting sober january this year. they ran out and the doc's pissed me off about calling me in (missing work) to see a thearapist that was never there that day. when she called i cussed her for 2 hours lol... anyways i was blackballed from the place and everyother one in town... told me i had to go to hospital for 48 min (yeah!). so... anyways i'm on nothing for anxiety. i've told myself i've got to slow down a little bit and let christmas slide though and see what's up for next year. that's what i tell myself today. thanks everyone for the support and advice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi bebop! Congrats on 5 months
Just today I was getting off the train after a long days work and I was stressing about all the stuff I had to do tonight: walk the dogs, workout, wrap presents, clean, pack for christmas, do laundry....this after a full day at work, where I spent my lunch break working on a self improvement project. The thing is I realized I was taking the advice 'work on recovery as hard as you did your drinking' too much to heart. All these things I was doing were my 'changing' myself. I want to fix all the broken bits and I want to do it right now!
I got off the train and realized I need to pull back...give myself a little space to enjoy where I am....not push myself so hard. So I picked up some prepared salmon and salad for dinner, came home and let the dogs out in the back instead of walking them and got into bed early. Being easy on myself is the next thing for me to change...could be the hardest too
Good luck!
P.s. I'm 5 months too
Just today I was getting off the train after a long days work and I was stressing about all the stuff I had to do tonight: walk the dogs, workout, wrap presents, clean, pack for christmas, do laundry....this after a full day at work, where I spent my lunch break working on a self improvement project. The thing is I realized I was taking the advice 'work on recovery as hard as you did your drinking' too much to heart. All these things I was doing were my 'changing' myself. I want to fix all the broken bits and I want to do it right now!
I got off the train and realized I need to pull back...give myself a little space to enjoy where I am....not push myself so hard. So I picked up some prepared salmon and salad for dinner, came home and let the dogs out in the back instead of walking them and got into bed early. Being easy on myself is the next thing for me to change...could be the hardest too
Good luck!
P.s. I'm 5 months too
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bham, al
Posts: 6
great advice everyone... i've been slowing down a lot lately and coming home earlier. i've made it a point to slow down and not concentrate on myself like lafemme said. it's been helping a lot. thanks everyone! congrats too lafemme!
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