Drinking The Feelings Away...Paying The Price
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Drinking The Feelings Away...Paying The Price
I had an ugly split-up with my fiance 9 months ago, she called off the wedding 3 weeks before the wedding date....crushed me. We tried to work things out, but a month or so later she called us off completely.
Fast forward 8 months....because of the split I basically had been drinking the pain away every day. Recently I sobered up, and now I miss her more than ever, she has moved on and with someone else. I know I need to do the same, but because I masked the pain for so long....I now am dealing with the pain.
I even know in my heart she was not the right one for me, she had an ugly side that really showed up near the end of the relationship.
Anyone else ever masked relationship pain with the booze, and later had to deal with it much later?
I want to friggin move on!!!!!!!!!!!
Fast forward 8 months....because of the split I basically had been drinking the pain away every day. Recently I sobered up, and now I miss her more than ever, she has moved on and with someone else. I know I need to do the same, but because I masked the pain for so long....I now am dealing with the pain.
I even know in my heart she was not the right one for me, she had an ugly side that really showed up near the end of the relationship.
Anyone else ever masked relationship pain with the booze, and later had to deal with it much later?
I want to friggin move on!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
I think I'm the queen of masking my relationship pain with booze!! I have pretty much done it my entire adult life...stayed in a bad relationship for 7 years because of it!! As you know drinking the pain away never works...I didnt listen, to me it helped..I just had to stay drinking....until even then the booze just turned on me......I've been sober for almost 11 months, and this still is one struggle I have...learning to get a grip on my emotions...its hard but I'm doing it...meditation helps or anything physical...or maybe try journalling or blogging....I find it helps to write it out....maybe write her a letter..but don't send it....keeping our feelings inside is really not a good thing....
Wishing you well xo
Wishing you well xo
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 59
Honestly, the best way for you to move on is to start hooking up with other chicks and get your mind off her. Once you start finding some other girls you will stop thinking about her. I say forget her. At least you find out who she really is before you got married. It would be way worst if she cheated on you while you were married, then wanted a divorce and took half of your stuff. Unless you had a prenup, the state of california the judge would give her half your stuff, even is she was cheating on you. That would suck much more.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
I think many of us can say that alcohol was the end-all, be-all of feelings suppression and numbing. I know that's how I used it. It's been a rocky road to learn that not only are the feelings still there after the numbing's gone away, but the use of alcohol doesn't fix anything. For me, it prolonged my misery and allowed my problems to snowball.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Yes! I can absolutely relate to drinking away the pain of a relationship. It is a temporary fix and does nothing for moving on in the long run. Yesterday I posted my story and my relationship ended horrifically as well. Drinking all the time did nothing but hurt myself and those that cared about me.
Now that I am sober I work out both my body and mind daily and as a result I am more confident in myself. This confidence is way more attractive to the opposite sex then someone drunk and feeling sorry for themselves. For the longest time I thought that I would never find anyone, I am sure you have heard this before but hang in there man and the right girl will come along when you least expect it…..
Now that I am sober I work out both my body and mind daily and as a result I am more confident in myself. This confidence is way more attractive to the opposite sex then someone drunk and feeling sorry for themselves. For the longest time I thought that I would never find anyone, I am sure you have heard this before but hang in there man and the right girl will come along when you least expect it…..
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
In any brake up, the one that hurts the most is the person that's left hanging with no one while the other one finds someone first. It's normal but it passes.
Start talking to other people, online/off line/wherever. Even if just for conversation. It will beat being alone with madning thoughts of the ex.
Start talking to other people, online/off line/wherever. Even if just for conversation. It will beat being alone with madning thoughts of the ex.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Um yeah. Drank away 8 years of pain. ..about 3 months sober, it all hit me at once. It really sucked. Thankfully, i didn't drink again, but stayed sober. now I am learning to deal with my feelings. You will.
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Thanks for the replies........you are all right, time to move on. It is not really a situation where I have been feeling sorry for myself, I was just blind-sided when I least expected it. I had decided it was time to have fun after the split and it just snowballed.
I am taking a little time for myself, and then I am getting back in the game. Financially I need to get back on my feet and then it is dating time again.
Handling not being with her is tough but I am ok with it........
The thought of her with another guy makes me sick though. Oh well, all normal stuff I suppose.
I am taking a little time for myself, and then I am getting back in the game. Financially I need to get back on my feet and then it is dating time again.
Handling not being with her is tough but I am ok with it........
The thought of her with another guy makes me sick though. Oh well, all normal stuff I suppose.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Good for you for sobering up recently. I don't know about you, but for me being alone during the holidays would be tough, especially if my mind got going about how great her life is now. Self pity and picking up a bottle would cross my mind. What I'm saying is, you should develop a plan for how you are going to get through the holidays. I was at an AA meeting last night, and that was the topic, everyone shared their sober strategies.
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Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
Good for you for sobering up recently. I don't know about you, but for me being alone during the holidays would be tough, especially if my mind got going about how great her life is now. Self pity and picking up a bottle would cross my mind. What I'm saying is, you should develop a plan for how you are going to get through the holidays. I was at an AA meeting last night, and that was the topic, everyone shared their sober strategies.
I do have a plan though....I have some good friends to go to, and church is a thought. Maybe I will go out of town for a change of pace...
Thanks all
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Your emotional pain is extremely difficult to experience. Like you said
"but because I masked the pain for so long....I now am dealing with the pain."
You did what i did what we all do, especially us drinkers: we try to control
our feelings. And one way that worked for a while was drinking.
but now that we have learned the hard way it doesn't work, what can we do?
Well, we can search for a different escape. That's what i do. I drink a lot of coffee,
work out a lot, spend a lot of time alone.
When i get tempted to drink again, i do what NYC suggested:
"...walk through the drink -- you get drunk and possibly sick. Then you have a hangover. And your [problem still exists]"
well, the best thing to do is try to control thinking about the idea that is causing you pain. One trick that works is, each time her painful memory appears, instantly start thinking of something else. Seems weird, but it works, and you have to start somewhere.
Trying to live with uncomfortable feelings, and pain, is truly hard. Yet, luckily, it's something that can be learned. AND, it's something that you can experience results in pretty quickly.
There is a book on amazon.com called "The Happiness Hypothesis" that i learned a lot from.
And this article is pretty good too
For the Time Being - NYTimes.com
Don't turn away, get in front of it.
"but because I masked the pain for so long....I now am dealing with the pain."
You did what i did what we all do, especially us drinkers: we try to control
our feelings. And one way that worked for a while was drinking.
but now that we have learned the hard way it doesn't work, what can we do?
Well, we can search for a different escape. That's what i do. I drink a lot of coffee,
work out a lot, spend a lot of time alone.
When i get tempted to drink again, i do what NYC suggested:
"...walk through the drink -- you get drunk and possibly sick. Then you have a hangover. And your [problem still exists]"
well, the best thing to do is try to control thinking about the idea that is causing you pain. One trick that works is, each time her painful memory appears, instantly start thinking of something else. Seems weird, but it works, and you have to start somewhere.
Trying to live with uncomfortable feelings, and pain, is truly hard. Yet, luckily, it's something that can be learned. AND, it's something that you can experience results in pretty quickly.
There is a book on amazon.com called "The Happiness Hypothesis" that i learned a lot from.
And this article is pretty good too
For the Time Being - NYTimes.com
Don't turn away, get in front of it.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Sometimes..it helps if you can make a list..write out all the good things about the relationship on one side..the bad on the other side. Sometimes..we put people on pedistals.. I think it is something that we do especially if we were not ready for the breakup. I just recently got out of a 25 yr relationship. Lived together..got married..divorced..then got back together. Once we finally tossed in the towel I kicked up the notch drinking BIGTIME. I still coming to terms with that..but I know one thing. It is ALOT easier dealing with this sober than drunk all the time. I really dug into a deep depression. He is at the bar daily now so I don't think he is dealing with it at all. BUT what I found out..the alone time is good. It is TWO major lifestyle changes..not drinking. Being single. And in ending a relationship you really do start to find out more about yourself. I wish you the best. It is a tough deal to go thru.
I am feeling good now..but it has taken ALOT of time and soul searching that is for sure.
I am feeling good now..but it has taken ALOT of time and soul searching that is for sure.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Posts: 214
AcceptingChange and MrsCooterBrown.........
Thanks to both of you....I will take the advice. Just so damn lonely and such a friggin empty feeling. But....I do know if I do the right things that things will get better.
Thanks again
Thanks to both of you....I will take the advice. Just so damn lonely and such a friggin empty feeling. But....I do know if I do the right things that things will get better.
Thanks again
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Hey man,
I can relate to what you're going through. In August I broke up with my gf of three years as part of an effort to get and stay sober. I too used the drink to mask the pain (fortunately only twice after the breakup) and I found that it did much more harm than good. My problem, my pain, and my bad attitude were still there in all their former glory. Oh, and just because God has a sense of humor...she started dating someone new about a month after our breakup.
I vehemently disagree with hooking up with other chicks in order to get over one. When I was younger I did this all the time and, like alcohol, it was nothing more than a temporary fix for a longer term problem. It was a nice vacation during the act but afterward, I still missed and loved my ex. Only now I have brought other people into my sad state of affairs. I think it takes a much stronger man to embrace his pain, heal, and reflect than it does to selfishly hook up with women because he hurts. I also somewhat believe that if you date someone while you are getting over your ex, you aren't thinking about that new person in a non-discriminatory way. You compare them to your ex, you overlook flaws and potential red flags of that person, and you settle because you think you have to...you think it's what will bring that reign of pain to an end.
My dad told me this when I went though "the breakup" the one that was really my first love and the one I have learned most of my relationship advice from. He said, "Accept the Pain." So simple, and at the time it pissed me off because I didn't want to accept anything other than my gf either being back with me or being completely miserable without me. Eventually I wrote it down and looked at it, studied it, and embraced it Every. Single. Day. until it stuck. I kid you not, now when my relationships end for whatever reason - I don't look back. The strength I gained from that heartache gave me the tools to handle it in the future. My steel had to be tempered through this trial of fire. I kind of see it as a right of passage to a higher level of manhood. It's the higher path to a higher you and, although not easy, it will help you far more than just using something else (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) to escape from the reality that must be addressed because it's part of your fortification as a man.
That said, I still have times when I miss my most recent ex. Last week was a tough one for me. I got pretty low a couple of nights when I saw this king sized bed completely empty. For the first time in 4 months after the breakup, I cried and I cried hard. I have no shame in saying that whatsoever, my body and my mind were working through those emotions that needed to be processed. My buddy is going through some tough financial times with some properties he owns and he has a newborn (his third) on the way and he shared with me that he broke down those nights too - I told him, "Hey, you didn't break down, you built yourself up."
All the best man,
Untox
I can relate to what you're going through. In August I broke up with my gf of three years as part of an effort to get and stay sober. I too used the drink to mask the pain (fortunately only twice after the breakup) and I found that it did much more harm than good. My problem, my pain, and my bad attitude were still there in all their former glory. Oh, and just because God has a sense of humor...she started dating someone new about a month after our breakup.
I vehemently disagree with hooking up with other chicks in order to get over one. When I was younger I did this all the time and, like alcohol, it was nothing more than a temporary fix for a longer term problem. It was a nice vacation during the act but afterward, I still missed and loved my ex. Only now I have brought other people into my sad state of affairs. I think it takes a much stronger man to embrace his pain, heal, and reflect than it does to selfishly hook up with women because he hurts. I also somewhat believe that if you date someone while you are getting over your ex, you aren't thinking about that new person in a non-discriminatory way. You compare them to your ex, you overlook flaws and potential red flags of that person, and you settle because you think you have to...you think it's what will bring that reign of pain to an end.
My dad told me this when I went though "the breakup" the one that was really my first love and the one I have learned most of my relationship advice from. He said, "Accept the Pain." So simple, and at the time it pissed me off because I didn't want to accept anything other than my gf either being back with me or being completely miserable without me. Eventually I wrote it down and looked at it, studied it, and embraced it Every. Single. Day. until it stuck. I kid you not, now when my relationships end for whatever reason - I don't look back. The strength I gained from that heartache gave me the tools to handle it in the future. My steel had to be tempered through this trial of fire. I kind of see it as a right of passage to a higher level of manhood. It's the higher path to a higher you and, although not easy, it will help you far more than just using something else (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) to escape from the reality that must be addressed because it's part of your fortification as a man.
That said, I still have times when I miss my most recent ex. Last week was a tough one for me. I got pretty low a couple of nights when I saw this king sized bed completely empty. For the first time in 4 months after the breakup, I cried and I cried hard. I have no shame in saying that whatsoever, my body and my mind were working through those emotions that needed to be processed. My buddy is going through some tough financial times with some properties he owns and he has a newborn (his third) on the way and he shared with me that he broke down those nights too - I told him, "Hey, you didn't break down, you built yourself up."
All the best man,
Untox
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Untoxicated,
I agree 100% with not dating someone to get over an ex...it has been 9 months and I have not been on a real date. I did "hook-up" with one girl, but it did not make me feel better. I am taking some time for myself before I get back in the game...who knows how long that will take, but it doesn't matter as long as my next relationship is real and I am ready.
Thanks for the advice
I agree 100% with not dating someone to get over an ex...it has been 9 months and I have not been on a real date. I did "hook-up" with one girl, but it did not make me feel better. I am taking some time for myself before I get back in the game...who knows how long that will take, but it doesn't matter as long as my next relationship is real and I am ready.
Thanks for the advice
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I am going to risk being the different one here, and say something that might be uncomfortable.
People don't call off weddings and split up on a whim. As you state you have been actively drinking after the cancelled wedding, maybe you were drinking before it as well?
Is it possible the whole cancellation of the wedding had something to do with your drinking?
If not, then, accept my kindest apologies that you experienced such a sad situation.
But, if you were drinking before the cancelled wedding, and you are honest about drinking after, perhaps your question should be about how we alcoholics mask everything with booze. Not just failed relationships. Our masking of problems pretty much covers the whole map. Don't we generally drink over everything?
Maybe the way to stay sober and prepare for your next relationship, (successfull in a successful sobriety), is to do some deep self examination and ask yourself what you could do differently next time in your next relationship. Where you selfish, self-absorbed, uninterested in your partner's needs? That would be typical alcoholic behavior. How can you change all that?
Best of luck...hope I haven't been too hard on you.
People don't call off weddings and split up on a whim. As you state you have been actively drinking after the cancelled wedding, maybe you were drinking before it as well?
Is it possible the whole cancellation of the wedding had something to do with your drinking?
If not, then, accept my kindest apologies that you experienced such a sad situation.
But, if you were drinking before the cancelled wedding, and you are honest about drinking after, perhaps your question should be about how we alcoholics mask everything with booze. Not just failed relationships. Our masking of problems pretty much covers the whole map. Don't we generally drink over everything?
Maybe the way to stay sober and prepare for your next relationship, (successfull in a successful sobriety), is to do some deep self examination and ask yourself what you could do differently next time in your next relationship. Where you selfish, self-absorbed, uninterested in your partner's needs? That would be typical alcoholic behavior. How can you change all that?
Best of luck...hope I haven't been too hard on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: ca
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by littlefish
I am going to risk being the different one here, and say something that might be uncomfortable.
People don't call off weddings and split up on a whim. As you state you have been actively drinking after the cancelled wedding, maybe you were drinking before it as well?
Is it possible the whole cancellation of the wedding had something to do with your drinking?
If not, then, accept my kindest apologies that you experienced such a sad situation.
But, if you were drinking before the cancelled wedding, and you are honest about drinking after, perhaps your question should be about how we alcoholics mask everything with booze. Not just failed relationships. Our masking of problems pretty much covers the whole map. Don't we generally drink over everything?
Maybe the way to stay sober and prepare for your next relationship, (successfull in a successful sobriety), is to do some deep self examination and ask yourself what you could do differently next time in your next relationship. Where you selfish, self-absorbed, uninterested in your partner's needs? That would be typical alcoholic behavior. How can you change all that?
Best of luck...hope I haven't been too hard on you.
People don't call off weddings and split up on a whim. As you state you have been actively drinking after the cancelled wedding, maybe you were drinking before it as well?
Is it possible the whole cancellation of the wedding had something to do with your drinking?
If not, then, accept my kindest apologies that you experienced such a sad situation.
But, if you were drinking before the cancelled wedding, and you are honest about drinking after, perhaps your question should be about how we alcoholics mask everything with booze. Not just failed relationships. Our masking of problems pretty much covers the whole map. Don't we generally drink over everything?
Maybe the way to stay sober and prepare for your next relationship, (successfull in a successful sobriety), is to do some deep self examination and ask yourself what you could do differently next time in your next relationship. Where you selfish, self-absorbed, uninterested in your partner's needs? That would be typical alcoholic behavior. How can you change all that?
Best of luck...hope I haven't been too hard on you.
I know in my heart of hearts we split because she got spooked as the wedding approached, and then she started looking for a way out. I will never know the real reason (I believe it was a combination of things), and that is hard to take. I do know this.........when I look back now, she was NEVER wrong about anything, and had a very jealous side to her...and I came to find out after the fact that she had mistreated my Mother a few times for no reason.
Things would have been ugly if we actually got married....so I am lucky. She even tried to keep the engagement ring after SHE called it off lol!
That's why I don't understand why I miss her, but I do.......for now.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I lost 18 months of my life drinking over someone I lost - she was a lovely person, but it really wasn't worth it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with the pain now tj, but at least sober you'll actually deal with it and get through it.
I hope something better is in store for you
D
I'm sorry you're dealing with the pain now tj, but at least sober you'll actually deal with it and get through it.
I hope something better is in store for you
D
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