notdrunktoday

So about five and half months ago I decided and got the oppurtunity to go to rehab facility and get sober. With this decsion I new my life was about to change completely. I new my relaitonship with my girlfreind of eight years was probably going to end. I new that my freinds would be supportive but that those realtionships would change. I new my family would be too supportive if that makes sense. I am happier and physically feel good. I never had that pink cloud feeling as I think I new that I was about to leave everything I've known my whole adult life. So after four months sober I left my girlfreind and moved in with buddy who doesn't drink. I've been reconnectiong with old freinds who my realationships weren't based off partying and getting f... up. Found some of my old drinking/fishing buddies who I found out are now sober and recently started to go to meetings with. Things are positive in my life. Yet I feel as though the devil in me really wants to come out play. I want that quick self gratification of getting drunk getting laid the way I used to live my life. The life that took so much from me and me and me want to die. I know I won't act on this and like the person that I am and am becoming. I just find it weird that I am missing the misery I think this may be just because I have made so many big changes. Just looking for support or reactions to this. Sorry about the run on sentences and spelling its been few years since I written much.

GreenAces

Being an alcoholic as I am misery is comfort... We feel comfortable in the misery and discontent that we use to live in.. Sobriety is new and unpredictable.. And many of us feel this way.. It is a transition... We aren't use to the new found feelings we experience in sobriety. Just be thankful for what you have... It is great that you have some old buddies who are sober now that you can share your new way of life with.

bellakeller

All my life all I knew was chaos. When I was drinking the chaos just got a billion times worse. But I was used to chaos. Made me feel "alive" I guess.

When I started to get sober, I had these moments where there was no drama, no angst, no anguish, no regret, etc.. It confused me until someone finally pointed out that what I was feeling was serenity. Doh! What do I do with Serenity??? I Never knew that feeling before but gradually, the more I felt, the more I worked to get it.

I guess, like alcohol, misery becomes our comfort zone. It's what we know and what we're used to. When new stuff comes our way as a result of getting sober, sometimes it takes some getting used to.

least

Early on in recovery I missed my usual 'routine', which was drinking whenever I wanted to. The longer I stayed sober, the less I missed it, and now after a year sober I don't miss it at all.

Boleo

Once upon a time, the police would let me go, the employer would take me back and the injuries would heal quickly. I liked the drama and chaos because it made me feel more alive.

Then the police started saying "we can't let you go", the employer said "we have seen too much of this" and the Doctors started saying "this is going to affect you the rest of your life".

I guess it all boils down to consequences.
When is too much of a bad thing good?
When too much suffering causes change!

reggiewayne

I hear ya notdrunktoday. It's funny you bring this up because today I was thinking about how my selfish desires / actions are what led me live in such shame which was a huge feeder into my addiction to booze. Basically, I was always trying to manipulate situations, lie to get my way, work in the grey area to make more money, etc... What I realized is these actions (even though I "got away" with most of them) were the foundation of my sickness. Living "shady" destroys me from the inside out. I know all about the partying lifestyle, the conquring of girls, the chaos of going out and not knowing where the night will end, etc... One thing that I think of is all of those girls I scored when drinking were as sick if not sicker than me. I was simply talking advantage of their terrible decisons... All of the corners I cut, and manipulation were at THE COST OF OTHER PEOPLE. For years I thought I was "getting over" and technically I guess I was. But at the expense OF ME. It was killing me spiritual side or concious, or whatever you want to call the sensor that's in most of us that knows right from wrong.

By doing the right thing, and not trying to be the director in life and playing god, I don't have to deal with all of the fall out. It's such a freeing lifestyle. Having said that, it's not easy. Being sober means, by my old definition, being boring. I don't chose to use that old definition anymore. To me, trying to help others, making good decisions, and participating in life means I can finally step out of the dark and live in a way that doesn't require the lies and deciet, etc...

I totally know where you are coming from, I guess it's all part of growing up. It's taken my over 30 years to grow up and I hope I don't regress...

Best of luck man!

notdrunktoday

reggiewayne thank you, you hit it on the head. I am working and getting that "freeing lifestyle" and trying to grow up. Just some part of me more so lately wants the old life the part that went away years ago before the isolation and depression. The life with excuses and bad decsions, taking advantge of people for my needs. Yea, I know its f...ed, but thats the sickness and manifistation thats been coming up in my head lately. Thank you all for the support and comments more please. I just needed to get this out there as I know it not healthy to keep everything in.

TheEnd

Change is difficult, especially big changes such as this. I don't think you are missing the misery, because if you were, you would have never given up drinking. You just miss drinking and you probably have some good times to remember mixed in with the bad times. What I think is most important is that you think more about the bad times than the good times.

CarolD

Beginning my AA Steps gave me a shift in direction
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.....

I'm glad you are making positive changes..that was necessary
for me too.....
Welcome to SR

notdrunktoday

CarolD thank you, I haven't gone to many meetings since treatment. I like the idea of doing the steps and have nothing against aa just haven't felt connected to it yet. I do read the big book and I have started going to meeting with old freinds more for the social aspect as that is something I am missing in my life. It is a mens group and they read from the twelve steps and twelve traditions so maybe it will rub off me. I am also working on my spritual side and am in search of church that I will regualary attend. Again I find myself doing this more for the social aspect. I don't find my sobreity shakey as the last couple of years I went to a pretty deep dark evil place and I don't want to go back to that. I think these manifistations are just coming from so much change in lifestyle and thinking. I am going to go back to my treatment center tonight where they have aa meeting that I sometimes go to as a reminder of where I was when I first got there. Thanks all I appreciate the comments more please.

CarolD

I too enjoy the AA circle of fellwoship friends...we do all sorts
of activities outside of meetings.....
They are vital and I treasure their understanding and support.

however....the Steps are the solution and the AA program.
I certainly hope you will begin yours soon.

Forward we go...side by side

notdrunktoday

So I went to the meeting. Typical impaitent meeting of how great sobriety is and do the twelve steps and life will be great. But I was right it was exactly what I needed it brought me back to that place of why I am doing this. It brought a calm and actually removed all that noise that was in my head. I don't think it was the meeting but more of being back in that location. Today I was able to do some self reflection of why I am feeling the way I do. It is simply because I am vulnreable. I don't have controle of this problem as I have given it to god. I want to be in controle and I am not. Yes, I choose if I drink or not or what decsions I make but I have chosen to put in someone eleses hands. This part of me is still wanting controle but like I said today I feel more on track again, clear headed no noise. Maybe its serinty who knows but I feel good today.

NYCDoglvr

We're alcoholics and we want to drink, what you're feeling is normal. But being sober and having those desires isn't very comfortable so I suggest going to a meeting and saying "I want to drink". Certainly call another alcoholic and tell him/her. It will pass

notdrunktoday

NYCDoglvr you are right I would like to drink. I would love to drink and have "fun" like I did 5 or 6 years ago. The problem is I know I can't drink like that anymore or that I am unable to drink like that anymore. I know my drinking career is over as if I pick up and start drinking again I know I won't make it out alive. If I hadn't of gotten the oppurtunity to turn things around I don't think I would'ev been walking around much longer and believe I'm not being over dramatic. Mentally I was in a bad way, physically things were starting to go down hill. Mentally where I was at still scares the hell out of me.