How do you know if your friend(s) are helping or hindering you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 10
How do you know if your friend(s) are helping or hindering you?
I am wondering about a specific friend but any general advice I am sure would be helpful, if not to me maybe someone else.
One of my closest friends is also the person I have probably had some of my worst experiences with alcohol abuse with. All I am say is that we have both been incredibly lucky.
It is actually something we have talked about a good deal. One of the first clues I had that I might have a drinking problem is that it is much easier to see someone else has a problem then that you do. Then I realized we were drinking the same amount, just as frequently, and I would often continue drinking after getting home.
We both agreed that this chapter in our lives needs to end and we need to get it together. The problem I am facing is that we still get together frequently and we still drink together. We drink dramatically less which I suppose is a good thing, but a bottle of wine always makes an appearance. Considering perviously it would have been a bottle of vodka and a bottle of jager, each of us drinking a bottle of wine with dinner seems pretty appropriate.
Is tapering off with a friend a good idea or not?
I posted perviously I was recently hospitalized due to a mental illness and the new medication I am on now just makes me sleepy when I drink with it unlike what I was previously on which probably could have killed me. So from that standpoint I should be able to taper off instead of just stopping completely all at once. But I am wondering more if this is more likely to be helpful going threw this with someone or harmful that we will fall back into old patterns.
One of my closest friends is also the person I have probably had some of my worst experiences with alcohol abuse with. All I am say is that we have both been incredibly lucky.
It is actually something we have talked about a good deal. One of the first clues I had that I might have a drinking problem is that it is much easier to see someone else has a problem then that you do. Then I realized we were drinking the same amount, just as frequently, and I would often continue drinking after getting home.
We both agreed that this chapter in our lives needs to end and we need to get it together. The problem I am facing is that we still get together frequently and we still drink together. We drink dramatically less which I suppose is a good thing, but a bottle of wine always makes an appearance. Considering perviously it would have been a bottle of vodka and a bottle of jager, each of us drinking a bottle of wine with dinner seems pretty appropriate.
Is tapering off with a friend a good idea or not?
I posted perviously I was recently hospitalized due to a mental illness and the new medication I am on now just makes me sleepy when I drink with it unlike what I was previously on which probably could have killed me. So from that standpoint I should be able to taper off instead of just stopping completely all at once. But I am wondering more if this is more likely to be helpful going threw this with someone or harmful that we will fall back into old patterns.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I can't answer that for you NotAlways...but for me..I am an all or nothing type. It was either never enough..or WAY too much. I didn't have the safe buzz button inside of me. So I had to give it up. I tried the moderation experiment..and within days I think we were drinking even more than before I gave it up. SO I tossed in the towel. I chose nothing. Will NEVER go back to all..and as we talked about..there is no shut off valve for me. Good luck..I think if you are on meds it is a great idea to go with nothing..Good luck..
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
This probably doesn't answer your question, but I feel the need to say that it is not wise to drink while you are on medication. The alcohol can affect the way the medication works. For years I was on anti-depressants, but I was also drinking fairly heavily and was sure that my meds weren't working right. Well, of course they weren't. One cannot take an anti-depressant and then fill the body with a depressant. I wish I had back all the money I spent on the anti-depressants over those years because it would add up to quite a nice bundle of cash that I basically flushed down the toilet.
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
Tapering off for me would not have been a good idea... For me it is better to face the problem at once than to let it continue taking hold while I "moderate" any use of it. To me tapering or moderating the use is just another excuse to keep doing what I am doing and not facing my problems. As for doing it with friends... It is my recovery and not theres.. if they were to slip and pick up a drink again would that than mean that I had to do it as well?? For me I had to work on myself first before trying to help anyone else... Through AA I have found that working on myself and facing all of my problems not just my drinking problem has been a gift... A gift that I am now committed to share with others, thus sharing my experience, strength and hope with others..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 10
It is definably a concern for me that if one of us slips us we will take the other down as well. I have no family in the area and very few close friends (I recently moved) so I really feel I need some type of emotional support through this, I just would hate to mess it all up by turning to the wrong people. But no matter how long I spend on the phone with friends/family its not the same as sitting down and talking with someone in person or going out and doing something.
I will say with my medication I was very upfront with the doctor about my drinking and told her that I could not honestly promise that I would not drink on it, which is why I am on the particular medication that I am on as a opposed to something that would problem be more affective but drinking on it is far to dangerous. I know that is the lamest excuse ever but just though I would mention I am not keeping the drinking a secret from the MD.
I will say with my medication I was very upfront with the doctor about my drinking and told her that I could not honestly promise that I would not drink on it, which is why I am on the particular medication that I am on as a opposed to something that would problem be more affective but drinking on it is far to dangerous. I know that is the lamest excuse ever but just though I would mention I am not keeping the drinking a secret from the MD.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
I found that in order to stay sober I had to cut ties with the people I used to drink with as they still are drinking. I found new sober friends and support through AA. It made a world of difference.
I tried to stop and taper off unsuccessfully for years as is typical for real alcoholics. In the end it only delayed my recovery. Total abstinence was the only way I could stop.
I tried to stop and taper off unsuccessfully for years as is typical for real alcoholics. In the end it only delayed my recovery. Total abstinence was the only way I could stop.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi notalwaysever - I think if you make your recovery about anyone other than yourself, there's little chance of success.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether you would be able to not drink while sitting there with your friend who happened to bring over a bottle of wine. Even after 7 months sober, I couldn't do it.
I'm glad you've cut down, but I agree with the others that it's impossible to end the addiction cycle by just having a little less. Moderation never lasted for me and wow, it's SOOOO much work.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether you would be able to not drink while sitting there with your friend who happened to bring over a bottle of wine. Even after 7 months sober, I couldn't do it.
I'm glad you've cut down, but I agree with the others that it's impossible to end the addiction cycle by just having a little less. Moderation never lasted for me and wow, it's SOOOO much work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"Moderation never lasted for me and wow, it's SOOOO much work."
True story! NotAlways...the thing about moderation to me (ex-lush/alcoholic) is I found it is constant withdrawal. You may be "in control" but always wanting more. There was no fine line. I have another support group I am in and a twenty something yr old is very sure that I am ALL wrong on this. But yet..every three or so days reports back that she went for 3 or 4 drinks and ended up getting wasted. This is one of the many things we all have to learn on our own. Abstaining for me..only way to go. Just knowing that alcohol is no longer an option ended the inner turmoil.
True story! NotAlways...the thing about moderation to me (ex-lush/alcoholic) is I found it is constant withdrawal. You may be "in control" but always wanting more. There was no fine line. I have another support group I am in and a twenty something yr old is very sure that I am ALL wrong on this. But yet..every three or so days reports back that she went for 3 or 4 drinks and ended up getting wasted. This is one of the many things we all have to learn on our own. Abstaining for me..only way to go. Just knowing that alcohol is no longer an option ended the inner turmoil.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
If you are not addicted to alcohol, you won't have any problem moderating or being around someone who drinks more than you feel comfortable drinking. If you want to try it, then try it. If it works, great. If it doesn't, then maybe you should consider stopping altogether and stay away from people or places that might cause you to relapse.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Please see your doctor and be totally honest about your drinking.
Maaybe listen to a professional opinion on how best to quit...
As for being in a new area....AA meetings are a great way to
meet sober friends to hang out with....and they understand what
you are going thru.
All my best
Maaybe listen to a professional opinion on how best to quit...
As for being in a new area....AA meetings are a great way to
meet sober friends to hang out with....and they understand what
you are going thru.
All my best
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
I was never able to plan my sobriety. Plans don't work for a guy like me. More importantly, I was never able to plan the day I surrendered to the process. At some point in time it just didn't matter what anyone else was doing, I was out of options.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 316
NotAlwaysEver, I had a friend like this in mind when I read your post. I've been sober for 42 days and no matter how many times I tell him, "no, I really am quitting" he keeps telling me I'll find my way back and we'll drink together again, we just won't be so stupid about it. I also recently started a medication for mental illness that doesn't mix terribly with alcohol (as in, most people can still have a drink or two) but since I can't have just a drink or two, it gets me drunk much faster and makes my hangovers so much worse. Plus the medication doesn't work when I'm drinking. I don't know what you should do about the friend, because I don't know what I should do about the friend. But I think that you and I both need to stay sober, whatever that requires.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Bensalem Pa
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by notalwaysever 
Is tapering off with a friend a good idea or not?
NO this whole train of thought sucks.
I have yet to see anyone taper off for any kind of significant time. And it just kinda flies in the face of the whole "people places and things" thing
But hey, maybe you'll be the first to make it work, keep us posted on how it's playing out. Really how bad could it turn out if you fail? Jails, institutions and death?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Tapering off assumes you plan to stop alltogether at some point. Is that your goal?
I tried to slow it down, get it under control, quit for a period of time (NEVER made it the amount of time I'd decided upon though) and a bunch of other "tricks." Each one of them worked for a couple days, at most, then I'd be wasted..... AGAIN! --and after that, well......screw it, might as well keep getting wasted in the name of "getting it out of my system."
After DUI #3, I tried to control my drinking, moderate my drinking, drink only at home, drink only at the bar, tell the bartenders I can only have 4 (quadruples) then cut me off, switched what I was drinking, etc etc etc for about 10 months. It led to DUI #3 before I'd even been to court for #2.
Tapering off and/or slowing down might work for the moderate drinker, might even work for the hard drinker and could possibly even work for the "acute alcoholic" (the person "alcoholic" who still has the power to control their drinking with their own willpower). For a real alcoholic like me, a chronic alcoholic, any drinking = me getting loaded.... repetitively..... with no control over when I drink or how much I drink (unless the stars line up perfectly one day and I do manage a little control - those days got fewer and further between though).
Try it out though. If you can taper off and stop altogether or just manage your consumption and keep it to moderate levels, you're in good shape - problem solved. If you're a real alcoholic though, it won't work.
I tried to slow it down, get it under control, quit for a period of time (NEVER made it the amount of time I'd decided upon though) and a bunch of other "tricks." Each one of them worked for a couple days, at most, then I'd be wasted..... AGAIN! --and after that, well......screw it, might as well keep getting wasted in the name of "getting it out of my system."
After DUI #3, I tried to control my drinking, moderate my drinking, drink only at home, drink only at the bar, tell the bartenders I can only have 4 (quadruples) then cut me off, switched what I was drinking, etc etc etc for about 10 months. It led to DUI #3 before I'd even been to court for #2.
Tapering off and/or slowing down might work for the moderate drinker, might even work for the hard drinker and could possibly even work for the "acute alcoholic" (the person "alcoholic" who still has the power to control their drinking with their own willpower). For a real alcoholic like me, a chronic alcoholic, any drinking = me getting loaded.... repetitively..... with no control over when I drink or how much I drink (unless the stars line up perfectly one day and I do manage a little control - those days got fewer and further between though).
Try it out though. If you can taper off and stop altogether or just manage your consumption and keep it to moderate levels, you're in good shape - problem solved. If you're a real alcoholic though, it won't work.
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
I feel that if the IDEA of tapering off with a friend is stopping you from getting help now, then yes, he is hindering you.
It's not like having a weight loss buddy... this is much more serious. If you feel you have a problem, get help today. Tell your friend; offer for him to come along. See a doctor. But- should he fail to quit at the same time you do, it'll be like the person eating chocolate cake in front of the dieter.
I used to play with cutting down/tapering off ideas... I know now that for me, it was a way to avoid the truth: stopping was the ultimate answer.
It's not like having a weight loss buddy... this is much more serious. If you feel you have a problem, get help today. Tell your friend; offer for him to come along. See a doctor. But- should he fail to quit at the same time you do, it'll be like the person eating chocolate cake in front of the dieter.
I used to play with cutting down/tapering off ideas... I know now that for me, it was a way to avoid the truth: stopping was the ultimate answer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 81
I was able to keep my friends, who drink, in my life. However, I pick and choose how I spend my time with them. For example, If my friends are going to a bar and grill to watch a hockey game, than I might go because I can order food and watch the game, instead of drinking. But, if my friends are going to a bar, and the sole purpose is to drink, than I stay home or make other plans. I know some people would prefer to drop their old friends and make new ones, but I think as long as your friends don't push alcohol on you, than you can make new friends and also keep old ones.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If your friend was your drinking buddy, it's natural that she will feel threatened. You are changing the dynamics of the friendship, as you must. What you should do is agree to see her but with no alcohol present. I think you'll learn how good a friend she is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
