highfunction

From: the gf of a very high functioning alcoholic.

I read the chapter "the wives" of the "Big Book," and I really liked it. It gave me a lot of hope, and kind of a plan, for how to deal with this situation. I feel like I can understand what it might be like to be in those beginning stages of alcoholism, and that all hope is not lost yet.


My main questions is, when you were drinking was there anything your SO did that made things worse or better in terms of you facing your problem?

I know that nagging = bad. (This one is hard, but I'm doing pretty well).

I know he'll only stop when he really wants to, and I see glimpses of concern about his drinking only occasionally. Being as he drinks in the evenings, only at home, and we live close to public transit so there's no need for him to ever drive home, he doesn't engage in risky behavior. He doesn't drink to the point of being hungover. There aren't any real huge negatives for him now, but having our relationship progress to a family...well that doesn't seem possible.

My concerns are for his health drinking a bottle of wine a night, and what kind of a father he'll be able to be like this.

Were you all concerned and hiding it before you became sober?

Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

TheEnd

When my partner used to tell me about all the bad things I did and ignore me, that just fueled my behavior. I figured what's the point, I don't feel like dealing with your negative attitude.

When my partner compliments me on how proud he is of me and how happy he is that makes me feel positive and want to continue working toward my recovery.

So I guess if you can, focus on the positive of when their doing good and make a point of it, it's really easy focus on the negative things in life, but negative + negative = negative, it's just basic arithmetic.

Anyway, hope that helps, but they will only change when they are truly ready.

onlythetruth

The thing my SO did (my first husband) that truly did not help was that he ignored my drinking.

It is true that nagging is bad. But so is ignoring. Looking the other way is just as enabling as buying booze for the drinker.

Finally, although you didn't ask, I want to recommend a book to you. I think you might find it helpful:

Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening.Robert J. Meyers Ph. D., Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D.

OTT, 12 years of abstinent recovery

doggonecarl

My girlfriend knew I drank, but not the amount, as I usually did the majority at home after seeing her in the evening. Figured that when we got married I'd have to cut down or quit. Neither happened. Instead I drank after see went to bed and hid the empties. When drinking late didn't cut it, I hid beer in the garage and drank out there. I might have drank one or two in front of the wife, but four or five behind her back. I didn't like lying about it. If she suspected, she never mentioned it. I quit because she didn't deserve a drunk for a husband.

flutter

No one but me could make me drink, or make me quit.

Focus on YOU, and what YOU want for your future.. you only got one shot at this thing called life!

yeahgr8

No theere is not a thing a SO can do to help an alcoholic other than get help for themselves and leave the alchoholic to get on with it, what an alcoholic says and does and what is going on inside is very different...being an enabler for an alcoholic is the worst thing for them, just putting up with them whilst carrying on their insanity is enough to put the stamp of approval on their behaviour, if the alcholic was that bad the SO would leave them or askthem to leave, when neither happens why should the situation change for long?

As for high funtioning alcoholic, like i have said before, most i have met and myself were in this category, i drove my porche to rehab, yeah gr8! The park bench and paper bag are not what most alcoholics live...so high functioning alcholic doesn't mean anything...they could be king of the world but still just a drunk like the rest of us...hope that helps!

As for contemplating kids?! I really hope you get some help for yourself...because IMO thats as insane thinking as the alcoholics! Ask any child of an alcoholic, there is a group on SR:-)

reggiewayne

I have had two wives in my alcoholic life. The first never nagged. Was very supportive on my roller coaster of I'm an alcoholic, I'm not an alcoholic ride. Some weeks I was an alcoholic which meant no drinking, professing I'm never drinking again, etc.... other weeks I was drinking at night and saying how I had it under control. My 2nd / current wife is supportive as well but toward the end would nag at me for the roller coaster. In other words, I was shining a light on my own problem, she then noticed and thought it would be in my best interest to stop. When I would decide to drink again she's nag (but actually it was just trying to be helpful) at me...

My point is, and the answer to your questions, is NO. It made no difference what they did, I was going to drink. I drank when happy, sad, excited, tired, lonely, cold, hot, sick, well, etc... Their behavior had no impact on me. Now, if my wife would have kicked me out it would have forced me to make a decision, but in the height of my addiction, I probably would have chose the booze.

Just my two cents. I'm glad I don't have to live that way anymore and I can be a better husband / father. I'm grateful for today and this forum. Thanks!

least

My teen age daughter nagged, pleaded, begged me to stop drinking... so I started hiding it from her the best I could (but not well enough - she still knew). I had to want to stop drinking for myself. Nothing she said or did made me want to quit until I wanted to quit for myself.

I certainly wouldn't want to bring any children into such a relationship.

Toronto68

Highfunction, I don't have that much to share on the significant other side of things, since I didn't maintain long-term relationships during my drinking career. All of my relationships have been "sort of" relationships, and one of the earliest ones was with an older alcoholic who was in recovery through AA. That was before I travelled through my own alcoholism. (Maybe I was one technically even then, but it was very early on as far as the "active alcoholism" goes. The Line was a few years away.)

I used to try to find somebody for me, but there came a point when I even stopped looking in the wrong places, and I stuck with the drinking at home I had been doing instead of getting myself out there more in ANY place of any kind. Not the same as being in a relationship with somebody, but the latching on to the addiction is very similar to me. I adapted to what your significant other is doing too. I was highly skilled at not drinking in public, so that I would not have to deal with the drinking/driving problem. So that is the variation on living right on the public transit line. As long as the person can get home and drink, the alcoholic is all set.

There's nothing "only" about his "only drinking in the evenings," that's comparable to my past drinking only in private for many years, after I was done with the parties and going out. If he is an alcoholic, he is just adapting to the ways he can use.

There's nothing anyone special in his life can do about his addiction. Some people have to lose the relationship and a lot of other things in order to reach the point where they can do something about it. There are plenty of people here who are dealing with problematic or ended relationships who can tell you firsthand.

I can't very well tell you to leave him, but if you have not done a lot of interacting with people who are Friends Of (either in the Friends Of section here or through in-person support groups, like Al-Anon), maybe you can gain a better understanding of what you should be doing. It would be a process though, not an antidote.

David 1

What made things better for me was the threat of getting thrown out of the house and divorce. Call it an ultimatum if you will and it was the only real factor that influenced my desire to stay sober. Oh and during my initial recovery we did not allow any alcohol in the house.

Dave

SSIL75

Wow is that ever relevant to me! When people talk about alcohol being progressive it took me a while to kind of relate because I got REALLY drunk much less frequently. But I totally adapted. My total consumption definitely increased over time. And I drank for more and more hours of the day. Adaptation. I never thought of it like that.

To the OP: I guess my husband getting upset with me contributed to the niggling at the back of my mind that there was something wrong with me but it also made me more secretive. I totally hid my drinking (even in small ways like pouring a HUGE glass of wine in the kitchen, drinking half or it and then walking back into the living room). I also hid it like if he was out of town I would buy, drink and dispose of a bottle. What a 'treat' if he was away for garbage day. I almost always drank box wine because you can't see how much is gone. I would nervously lift the boxes every morning to see if it was obvious how much I drank the night before.

The depressing thing really though (for you) is that he had no power. In fact by the time I quit HE had started to drink more. We had started to drink a lot together (after years of him being the sensible one). So really if anything that should have encouraged me to keep drinking. But he could always stop when I couldn't. And as I say here often: I quit when I wanted to live sober more than I wanted to get drunk. The FEAR of drinking myself to death was never enough to stop me. But the pull towards a life full of joy and vitality was too much to resist. (He no longer drinks very much).

Growing up my dad would often scoff and people who don't drink or smoke. What losers.. what kind of life is that, etc. Powerful message for for a child! Up until this year I felt that quitting alcohol would be a huge sacrifice.

Justfor1

If he doesn't drink to the point of being hungover how do you know he is an alcoholic? If he doesn't think he is an alcoholic why would he even want to stop drinking? I believe the recommended limit for drinks per day for men is 2 or 3 drinks.

joethemechanic

If you drink 3 beers or whatever every day, well,,,,,,,if you are not an alcoholic already, you are on a slippery slope.

Negative consequences = the woman who loves him is concerned and it is hurting their relationship

A bottle of wine a day is a bit much


Alcoholic says I only had 3 beers

3 beers means three 40 oz bottles

1 bottle of wine = 1/2 gallon bottle

1 shot = 1 small water glass full

LawMama

The only thing any SO ever did that helped me was making it very clear that he thought I had a problem, then leaving my drunk a$$. Staying with me was what every other one of them did that didn't help. The one long-term bf I had who was also an alcoholic, well, that was messy lol. Drinking was ultimately my choice and no one made me start or stop, but having someone I love not want to be with me helped me get to my bottom (I was pretty high functioning myself, considering the two bottles+ of wine I drank a day

Dee74

Hi Highfunction

Like most of the others here, I drank until I wanted to quit, and nothing anything anyone could say or do could get me there any quicker, because I knew best and there was no problem, at least one I couldn't solve myself.

I don't know whether your BF has a problem or not - for the record a bottle of wine a day is above recommended levels - most countries now have a measure of between 1 - 3 drinks a day (in my country it's 1 -2) with days of abstinence .

Whether or not it's a problem for him is one thing...I think the really important question here is about you tho - highfunction - you're already worried - how much are you prepared to take? if he's not giving you what you think the relationshop needs, at what point will things become unacceptable for you?

and I read that Get You Loved One sober book btw - save your money IMO.

D

Justfor1

I could be wrong but in the U.S. it's 20 units a week for men and 15 for women. There are always studies on the news that moderate drinking benefits health in a number of ways. Of course for heavy drinkers and alcoholics the health risks go up. I think the term functional alcoholic is an oxymoron. If a person can function in regards to life and drinks 2-3 drinks a day how and why is it a problem? I don't even believe a rehab center would accept you if you only drank a few glasses of wine a day.

joethemechanic

Don't forget criteria for rehab admission is a standard that is set by the entity that is doing the funding. I have seen the same rehab have to apply different standards for government funding depending on where the patient lived.

LawMama

For me, the definition of being an alcoholic has a lot more to do with what happens when I have one drink than how much I drink. I can't predict how many drinks I will have once I start. I can't just have a couple....although sometimes I can, generally if I am in control I am not having fun and if I'm having fun drinking I'm out of control.

LawMama

Also, functional alcoholic, imo, is not an oxymoron. I was a functional drinking alcoholic, and by that I mean I still went to school and did well, went to work and didn't get fired, and didn't have major legal problems. I functioned sub-par, but I functioned. Maybe a better term for functional alcoholic is early stage alcoholic, but we certainly do exist. An even better term might be lucky alcoholic. Lol.

Justfor1

Yes indeed "a lucky alcoholic" indeed. If one needs to stop drinking alcohol you cannot be functioning on some level. Isn't a big decision for a normal drinking to stop completely and not just cut down?