sleepie

Well again I drank last night. So day one, day one, day one. Always a day one. I am feeling a bit hopeless. I saw "Rain in Your Heart", and watching the guy who had many years sober die despite all of that work.... well, I feel there's no way I won't end up that way even if I quit so I am almost conceding to the idea of just giving up. Sorry for the bummer of a thread. I feel like there can't be anyone out there like me, I know that's not true but maybe because my meds are half of what they used to be the worry machine and sadness comes back a bit stronger. I don't know. I'm 36, almost 37 and been a near daily binger with just a bit of time and even a few months sober here and there since I was 28. I'm lost.

Dee74

I was a binge drinker for about 14 years then drank daily for 7 years.
I turned it around

Never give up hope Sleepie - if all you've tried so far hasn't worked you need to keep looking.

I hope you find your way soon

D

sleepie

Oh, I start reading about the especially deleterious effects of drinking on women and it all gets started.

Redhead84

what is the rain movie you talked about?

sleepie

Someone posted it via Youtube, it's a documentary about last stage dying alcoholics.

SSIL75

This question used to irritate me because I knew it was important and I didn't want to go there. But I'll ask it anyway. What are you going to do differently this time?

There is always hope! I know it's been mentioned to you before but I do think that working on gratitude would help you a lot. Just a suggestion. You seem very stuck in the pity zone. A tough place to stay sober in, IME.

sleepie

Actually I might misrepresent myself a bit here. If you knew me in person, I guarantee you would not think for one moment that I am self pitying. As a matter of fact my friends think I am quite optimistic, and I am always a shoulder to lean on, the one who freely lends or gives whatever I have... I would never, ever talk to my friends about this stuff the way I do here. I do not want to be a burden to them, I want them to keep me in their lives. I vent a lot here. I guess I could step off for awhile if it's really bothering people- I have before. I don't drag my drinking or issues into the lives of the people I know. So I am sorry if you are getting the short end of the stick, fellow SR members.

I have no idea what to do different. I tried AA several times. Really did not like it, I found it to be very depressing and redundant which was almost worse. SMART recovery folks in my experience have been a little smug... So I'm unsure.

Justfor1

Perhaps not focus so much on counting your days of sobriety. I have been clean for a number of years and look back and don't think I should of ever got all my white chips. I mean after a while what's the point? I believe in your heart you want to stop but the nature of addiction is just evil.

gravity

I've felt that hopelessness. At first, I thought I had no where else to turn to but AA. I got a sponsor, did the steps, meetings. I also got into counseling, talked to my doctor, and opened up to my close friends and family members. The help available is amazing!

Almost 3 years sober and I have honestly never felt better in my life.

fdsajkll

sleepie... its okay to be down. At least you are honest and getting some of those feelings out. Maybe drinking is a release of some kind for you. Just keep writing and eventually something will click and you will begin to understand why you drink. I know drinking will make you even more depressed. It is day 1 again for me too. We shouldn't give up. I know it is depressing. I am a binge drinker too and drinking is sooo cheap in Beijing it helps justify my addiction. I can literally get plastered for a 1.50 USD. it is soo tempting.... don't be too sad.. maybe it is time to lean on those friends of yours and ask them for help?

RunnerMD2be

Hey Sleepie,

I'm certainly new to this territory so I dont have as much experience with alcoholism as many of the people in this forum.

I dont know you, or anything of your history. Just from your previous posts it seems like you tend to attribute certain things to other certain things. For example, in this thread, you seem to be dead set on your medications and how they're affecting you In another post you seemed to attribute the klonopin to other issues.

When I hit my rock-bottom I was on lexapro. I initially attributed the events preceding my rock bottom to the lexapro. I thought IT was making me drink uncontrollably. In the end I realized I needed to focus on ME. Do I want to be sober? Do I want to live my life through a haze? Is EtOH THAT important to me to give up so much?

I'm no doctor and not issuing any medical advice or saying you should stop taking medications etc. I dont want to delve into any of those issues.

I think that you may need to just take a sober step back and think about what you want for your life. Don't think so much about the medications. Don't think so much about the roommate with the alcohol. Just think about you. What do you want for yourself? Step out of the daily routine and the Daily battle versus alcohol. Think about everything that you love, everything you are good at. Everything you want for yourself. Don't think about people who haven't succeeded in this fight. It is about you. You're unique. This time, YOU can do this.

These are easy things to think about and find the answer to. No one wants to end up in jail, jobless or dead. Its really more than that. Alcoholics have difficulty executing these wishes. Alcohol gets in our way. We NEED help.

What you must realize is that someone CAN help you. They WILL help you. You are the only one who can take advantage of that help and you have to. You won't make any of the changes and beat this nonsense that is alcohol until you believe in yourself.

Certainly see your doctor who prescribes these meds to you and talk about what works and doesn't.



Best of luck to you.

DayTrader

What if we look at that guy in the movie from a different direction? ...Go with me on this one for a bit... Let's sat his fate WILL be your and my fate and there's nothing within ourselves to stop it? Sure, we can slow the process down.....maybe drag it out a dozen extra years, perhaps more but, as you said, we're only putting off the inevitable. And lets be honest here, if that's the best we can muster, and a life filled with constant quitting and relapsing is not a vision of happiness on that inevitable path, why wouldn't it make sense to just throw in the towel? From that angle, giving up starts to make sense to me too.

On the other hand, I saw that movie and it actually reinforces my path in sobriety. I see the folks in that movie as being representations of what WILL happen to me should I decide to I'm going to manage my sobriety and/or put my sobriety in the hands of human power. My life, managed by me (or other people), WILL end up that way. But, in recovery, we know that there are always alternatives. Applying that to this seemingly hopeless situation, I come up with "if dying as a result of this 'disease' is the best I can hope for because no person I know or will find is capable of managing me, then I better look for better management than human management."

In hoping and searching for some power greater than human power (and I wasn't all that sure it even existed.......and even if it did, I wasn't so sure "it" would help me....) I found myself being told to look for a God of my own understanding.....a "custom built God" that IS available and WILL help me. If such a God/Power/Force existed, what would He/She/It say to me? Well, first off He/She/It would reassure me in His/Her/It's existence. Then He/She/It would probably ask me to trust Him/Her/It. Now I don't know how to trust this Power that I just created so, at first, I'm going to practice and I won't be very good at it at first.....but that's OK, it'll be a process I get better at with time and practice - just like anything else.

From there, He/She/It would probably want me to get a handle on what I CAN do on my own and what I CAN'T - and for the times I CAN'T control or manage, those will be the times I know to go to this power for guidance.

.....so on and so forth....that just, in a simplistic way, covered the first 5 steps in a 12Step program like AA.

I can tell ya, at first, it didn't seem like it'd work......or that it even should work.... thankfully, it does and it has.

I keep you in my prayers Sleepie - that you'll find your way.

dubbguy

I don't agree with AA and alot of what it said on this board because to me it makes drinking far too big of a deal and gives alot of self excuses why you can't stop.
It is not a disease, it is a choice.
You are not possessed by some demon, you are just making the choice to drink..
Therefore, all you have to do to stop is make the choice to not drink.
Honestly, I stopped even reading this board for the first month because it felt like I was dwelling on alcohol as opposed to rewire my brain with things to do that have nothing to do with alcohol.

nacona

I thank God that everyone doesn't feel this way or I would be dead right now.

RunnerMD2be

The poster obviously has no idea what alcoholism is. Its not as simple as not eating pickles if you dont like them.

gravity

AA is all about psychic change. Before I became an AA'er I tried changing my thinking on my own but I always ended up on multiple day benders. I needed help and a structured, spiritual program. 3 years sober next week and I don't miss getting hammered one bit! However, I do believe that there are other ways to get sober but I don't know too many people who did it without help.

Lionne

But are you equally considerate, loyal and generous to yourself? Are your need s being met and are you taking enogh care of your own wellbeing?

I can relate to this sleepie, because I have been feeling like this for a very long time. and I can understand your concern. I tend to think that if people will know how messed up I am, or if I look too much like "problems" they will abandon me and yet I needed the acceptance of others so bad.... And wanted them to like me. (Well who doesn't want people to like them?) Building a new sense of self that made me less dependent on that helped me a lot. And I still have friends I even think it made me a better friend for those who a re really important.

For me, part of my recovery was to change it a bit and to look if I was hurting myself by doing too much to get the acceptance from people. I'm still trying. But trust me, real friends will not mind, and the others are "good weather friends" anyway and not the ones you can expect of that they reciprocate a shoulder to learn on.


And people will mind a lot less than you think if you f.e. don't go to a social function because you feel vulnerable because of alcohol being present or if you are not there to help out with something because you felt like you have to take care of yourself first.

You can do this and you are not a lost cause. Hugs,
LS

yeahgr8

Maybe get some CBT counselling, that deals with changing behaviour...good for you, you're obviously not an alcoholic if drinking is a choice...just choose not to drink and have a good life:-)

Bamboozle

Hey, sleepie.

That guy who ended up dying from alcohol related complications, even though he had some good sober time, would not have lived as long as he had if he had not quit drinking when he did. His ending was sad, but he lived some good, quality years sober. He got his life back by making a choice.

I could not stay sober until I got treatment for depression. If your therapist is NOT helping you to get better, find another one. Don't accept someone else's mediocrity. Do everything you can to get well. We all only get this one life, and dang it, I want happiness! I deserve that much.

I realized some time ago that even if all the drinking I did caused enough damage to shorten my life, continuing to drink would only make it far worse and would end my life much sooner. I don't want that.

There is hope sober. I found that sobriety and getting treatment for my mental health issues go hand in hand. I can't have peace with one without the other. This has not been a cakewalk in the least. I've had some really bad times...my mind has gone to a dark (scary) place many times. But I have hope. It's all I got. I want a better life and I'm going to do everything I can to get it because I deserve the best. I stick with being sober even when being sober is the last thing I'd like to do. There are many times I'd like to throw in the towel...but I don't...because that's what I did several times before and it didn't work. Nothing I had done made my life any better...so I made changes to make my life better.

And it is better. It's not bunnies, kittens and flowers, but it's better than it was and I will do everything I can to continue to improve.

There is hope, sleepie. I had to find it within myself and cut out all the negative noise generated by other people and had to fight on a constant basis to cut out the own noise in my mind.

Lean on the people here. Ignore the people who don't help you. If you fall down, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Every day sober is a victory. Major hugs, hon.

Dee74

Welcome back dubbguy.

D