crzylilmndfreak

this is long, so dont continue, if you are not in the mood to read, lol...ok, I have been in and out of AA for 6 yrs,...4 different programs, two of them twice, and i just dont seem to get it I dont know what my problem is, maybe im one of those that are gravely mentally ill. that is how i feel. I know all hte tools, i know whats right and whats wrong, there is nothing any body could tell me that i dont allready know...but this time feels different. I actually got a sponsor, who at first, this woman, who i actually really could not stand, She was crass and hard, and I just didnt like her,...but one meeting i started crying during the meeting adn she came up to me to console me, surprised the heck outa me, she had never even spoke to me before, but she seemed so nice to me, which i was shocked as ****, but she gave me her # and said she wanted to help me, she said we could be "friends"
this really touched me, and i loved her from that point on. she would get together with me, and really heped me begin working on me steps. she said she loved me, and that we could do this togetehr, she has 20 yrs. it was the most "different" realationshipi have ever been in. I really began to love her in a very different way, nothing sexual ...but she was everythin to me, she was like my God, which now i realize is wrong, but so after she began to be my sponsor, i did at one point crush up one of my meds, and i then did ingest something to get "high" (not gonna say what, dont wanna give out any ideas , lol) anywho, so i relapeds for the 3rd time, and called her, she said she couldnt help me anymore, that she has tried to help me, and i wont take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth, ive heard that before. but i THOUGHT i was listening, and really understanding everything i could, but still just didnt have that "will power" to get myself to stop this insanity. No matter what it is, i want to get out of my own head. , i allways say "you wouldnt want to visit, its a mess up there" So anyway, i found a new sponsor, and a new clean date, and will do all i can fight this overwhelming cravings that come on. It scares me to death. im good "right now' but when that craving begin, which do, completely out odf out of the blue, i am scaared to death. So on Nov. 18 one of those cravings came on, and even though she wasnt my sponsor anymore, i called this woman,(x sponsor) as a friend,(your allways told suppose to call someone, right?) and she proceeds to tell me to go to the store, and go get my beer, i dont care right now, im going to bed. wow. sooo..that is exactly what i did.
now i have this new "clean date" Nov. 18th '10 and i am steppin both feet into this now, wish me luck
crys <3

UniqueNewYork

She was hurt when she found out about your relapse and like a lot of people in AA doesn't know how to react except in the most childish immature possible way.

Don't let the negative nancys and debbie downers of the world drive your behavior.

ANGELINA243

Do you still have any reservations about using? Keep moving forward. Learn from this experience. If you still have reservations about someday being able to use--whether alcohol or another substance--there is little any one else can do to help you. My question--why didn't you call your sponsor before you used? Why did you wait until afterward? Honesty must first begin with you.

DayTrader

Wow, couldn't disagree more. I don't know what she meant nor am I qualified to predict what someone I don't even know was thinking. To do so would be...well...rather presumptuous of me.

Sorry you have some obvious issues with AA UNY, fortunately for you though, our problems ARE of our own making so you should be able to get from from it without AA needing to change at all.

crzylilmndfreak

no, i did "call someone " before hand, , allthough she wasnt my sponsor anymore, i still valued our friendship, and so i called her and told her i was THINKING about going to the store and she told me to go

UniqueNewYork

I realized my response would probably hit a nerve with somebody.

I assume you didn't read the following segment of her story that closely. If you had you would have realized her former sponsor's actions were like telling a suicidal person to jump

MaryAnn100

My counsellor said some sponsors react badly to slips.........I think that is a very sensible comment..........pick yourself up and find more folk to call........all the best

DayTrader

actually, I read that part.... and I stand by my call (sorry crzy) that sometimes.......SOMEtimes.....if we're just not done thinking we're in control of our lives and of our addictions, the best medicine is to hit bottom quickly and move on.

I've heard more stories of what her sponsor did leading to new motivation in the hunt for sobriety than stories with a disastrous ending. That's just my experience though.

ANGELINA243

This is what I was referring to. It seems that this happened at some point before the drinking incident.

It seems that at this point there was still some denial and reservations, which is indeed a form of insanity associated with the disease.

UniqueNewYork

Daytrader I apologize for using language like "a lot of people in AA are ..(immature / childish)". I actually do believe that statement to be true about a chunk of the AAers I know, but its wrong to stereotype a group that numbers in the hundreds of thousands (if not more) like that. I also feel my comment is driven by something I heard today. I don't feel like typing out the whole story so cliff notes: Friend in AA has new girlfriend. Five other people in AA are spreading a rumor shes a ***** that got back to said friend. Irony of the situation is I know that 4 of the 5 have bought sex with money or drugs or performed sex acts for drugs. Conclude its stupid for people in AA to judge each other. Further conclude I am kind of judging by calling a person "(immature and childish)". So I apologize.

Hollyanne

Jeeze Crzy,
That was kinda mad!
What a cow! OK, something kind of similar happened me but with different intentions from the 2 people who did it.
I had 28 days and was fantasizing about drink a lot. I came from a meeting on my own where I had shared my obsessing etc. They told me to keep coming back and don't drink. The meeting was very good and people shared about the obsession etc.
I went and bought a bottle of vodka and drank it. I woke the next day and finished it off. I felt AWFUL. Not hungover, just hopeless as all hell. My 2 new friends a guy and a girl were very kind and went to a meeting with me. I sat stonefaced and was a blubbery mess. I actually met one of my past bartenders who has now 7 years!
BUT! They then grilled me until 4am about me not "wanting" to quit etc. Insert all the giving out, uncomfortable stuff here. I was really hurt and angry. I did not drink out of spite. I was very upset and hurt and was really lonely. I was upset because I really was sick of people leaving the minute things got tough. I walked out on them that night and stomped off home.
But they didn't leave and haven't left. I gave out to them and said that that was not fair and that I didn't need that crap! They then told me, "you are never alone in AA and we weren't going anywhere, we just wanted to get to you!" They were talking about me joking and laughing all the time and not letting anyone in etc. (guilty).
I haven't drank since (10/22). I have had an amazing turnaround. The craving is almost gone. I have done a complete 180 degrees since. They continue to support me. I actually have some issues with the lady as she has some jealousy issues. She reckons I am too happy. She never saw someone like me. I have been in a 20yr depression and I ain't going to apologize for being happy. She also is a bit of a control freak and is not very "professional" but I honestly am very fond of her for all she has done. We hang out a lot but I have dropped her in my head as a sponsor but haven't told her yet. I am going to wait until the right person presents herself to me. Continue my program slowly but surely. AA is not about one person as I have been reminded. It is all the people in the rooms. I am doing the "next right thing" and surrendering like never before. It is great because I am tired of running the show and am delighted to hand over the reins. It is the weirdest thing. Life is changing and looking so hopeful.
OK, that is my story. You get sober for you. You do not become dependent on any ONE person. Also, I love this girl as a friend but sometimes a sponsor has to be tough but DETACHED. I might not necessarily be bosom buddies with my sponsor but she needs to be pretty impressive and on top of her program for me to work with her.
I am upset for you, as I think your lady was taking your sobriety as hers and therefore when you drank/used, SHE failed. Wrong and very dangerous as you learned. When things got hairy with my friend, I was already stronger so I was very upset but realized that it really was her issue and not mine. I can take criticism, I do not like it, but I can take it. I will not be treated like sh/t at this stage of my life and I just about held my peace. I was going to discuss it, but decided to leave it. She can talk to someone about it and work it out. I am too new to try fixing her.
Hope this helps and hasn't made you go unconscious with boredom.
Keep up the good work and let the universe help you. There is something out there and I am not going to question it. Talk out loud and concentrate on the positive. I ask to be willing to be willing! That is easy right? I name out all the things I am thankful for, the weather, the phonecall, the nice icecream, the coffee with a friend. I am not great at the morning stuff as I don't talk in the morning to anyone! But I reckon that is ok.
sorry for being long-winded, but I was touched by you and felt I had to share that with you.

yeahgr8

Just get a sponsor and work the steps, from the Big Book, as quickly as possible and to the best of your ability with rigorous honesty and, as a result, recover from alcoholism...

Daytrader summed it up for me:-)

Mark75

I don't know... I have heard people share, here and at meetings, where they were told that they weren't through drinking yet and that they should just go out and get a bottle or whatever... And most of the time, as I have heard it, it p1sses them off so much that they don't pick up just spite the SOB...

Maybe you should look at what happened, closely... Is your sobriety being built on such shaky ground that when someone tells you to go out and by that six pack... you do? What if it was a cliff you were told to jump off? ...Which, for an alcoholic, is potentially no less fatal...

Something's missing crzy, not sure what exactly.... willingness? surrender?

You said...

and a little later...

Hasn't anyone told you that it is exactly NOT about willpower?

Don't blame the sponsor. Her responsibility is to show you the program of AA, the steps, what she did... Not to stop you from buying alcohol when you threaten to do so.

Rigorous Honesty. Personal Responsibility.

Stop fighting crzy, haven't you learned that you'll lose every time? Ask your sponsor about step one, what it means to be powerless over alcohol... and more importantly... how do you find the power you need to recover. That's what your sponsor is there to help you with.

onlythetruth

Crzy: I am sorry that you experienced this reaction from your sponsor/former sponsor. It has always struck me as odd that people in AA (or anywhere!) are shocked, and react badly, when someone relapses. Relapse is a common, although not mandatory, part of recovery. Relapse does not mean that you are "constitutionally incapable" of anything: it simply means you have a severe addiction to alcohol, and it is HARD to quit drinking.

As others here have pointed out, though, it's critical to remember that YOU are the one in charge of your behavior, not your sponsor and not anyone else.

One thing to consider is whether you might benefit from looking into other recovery paths, such as SMART Recovery. Sometimes, people don't "get" AA because AA simply is not the right fit. But whatever path you choose, remember: it's YOUR path.

skg

There's a pattern here that may help in identifying where to start to look. Having all the answers may seem wonderfully vindicating, but if they're not put into practice, what good is the knowledge?

There was a drunk man who'd dropped his keys in the parking lot of a nightclub and a police officer walked up to him and said, "Did you lose something?" The drunk replied, "Yes, I've dropped my keys over there." The police officer replied, "Then why are you looking for them over here in the light?" The drunk replied, "Because I can see." We often look everywhere but where we need to when seeking change.

UniqueNewYork

Being in and out of AA a couple of times now I have been through some of the emotions you guys are talking about where you feel defensive etc. You know me personally as a human being I have to find things in common with people to create a connection. Anyway to make a long story short, if you are struggling with AA I would find someone who "has what you want" and latch on. For some people, that strictly means sobriety and the related elements.

For me it meant someone I could really see myself spending time with, that I admired and has traits that I want in myself. I am really close with one person in AA I guess they are my best friend although I don't like to give "best friend" tags to people these days, and we can do anything together. Its the most easy going friendly relationship I have had in over a decade with anyone but whoever I was dating. We go to the gym together, we go out to eat together, we hang out and just talk or watch movies, we schedule double dates and we make plans for the future together and talk about our goals.

It took me a long time to be someone who can be a friend to someone. I work towards being a "giver" rather than a "taker", and I look for that trait in people I hang out with. I am not some great giver of a person so I don't want to give the wrong impression, especially being unemployed, but I work on it. I truly care about my friends, I believe in them and I support them in their endeavors. In short, I want them to be a success in every avenue of life whether romantic, as a parent, financially, spiritually, physically, etc. By making this feeling true and real, not faked but really feeling this way, I have made some of the best absolute best relationships this year. People who I can say "I love you" and they know I mean it as a bro to bro thing. But you know the people pushing sobriety first and foremost are right. If you don't have the sobriety then you can't get your crazy brain back on the tracks to making good stuff in your life.

TwelveSteps

I also had trouble with lack of support from my first sponsor when I relapsed early on. Her responses ranged from "Well I don't think you really want to be sober" to "call me when you're ready to get serious about the program (click)".

Luckily I had friends in the program who welcomed me back with open arms, were supportive, and encouraged me to keep coming back Amd working the steps. One of them became my new sponsor, and the effect has been phenomenal.

Our sponsors are not responsible for whether we drink or stay sober, but they can be a strong influence. I haven't relapsed since I've been working with my new sponsor. Maybe it's a good thing that your sponsor dropped you -- it will free you up to find the person who is a better fit for you.

GG

keithj

crzylilmndfreak,

My experience of working with others has been that if you are capable of writing your original post, then you are probably capable of taking the 12 Steps and getting sober. I've seen some real, hard core, scary, mentally ill, delusional people recover through the 12 Steps.

It's tough to be in the position you are in. Some sponsors just don't know what to do with the chronic relapser, and that's why they drop you. Nothing personal, they are just out of ideas. Or, if you are unwilling to follow their directions, there just isn't much they can do for you. Look at it as a blessing that they aren't going to keep wasting your time, and maybe you can find another person to help you.

There were a coupe of phrases in your post that jumped out at me as perhaps making it difficult for that sponsor to continue working with you.
I just don't know what 'working on steps' really means. The starting point for AA is an understanding of the problem and a surrender. Without that, that's not much AA can do for you. As long as you cling to the idea that your will power is sufficient to stop the insanity, you're kind of stuck in that place of working the steps, instead of actually taking the Steps and recovering.

So what is the problem, really? My problem was that once I started drinking, I had very little control over how much I drank. I was along for the ride, and that ride took me to all sorts of places I didn't want to go. OK, that's all good and well. I'm one of those folks that shouldn't ever drink at all. But, I'm also one of those folks that can't keep from drinking. So now I'm really screwed. I can't drink, and I can't not drink.

It's a Catch-22, and despite my best efforts, and sincere desire, I could not get myself out of that trap. It seemed like there was no way out. But, there they were, a bunch of people who had been in that same trap, and they had found a way out.

It came down to this. Was I willing to do what those people had done to get out of that trap? It went against everything I believed or wanted at the time. It challenged who I thought I was, and it flew in the face of my core beliefs. In fact, it only had one thing going for it that I could see. It worked. They were sober and I was still stuck in that trap.

My repeated failures led to desperation which led to willingness to do the things that I did not believe in. That led to recovery.