is there anybody here in the same situation as me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 12
is there anybody here in the same situation as me?
I haven't posted on this site in several months. I have been struggling a fair bit with staying sober, so have kept quiet for a while but have still been checking in and reading other peoples posts. Anyway, something completely unexpected happened to me this morning and I am too shocked to know what to do... i found out that I am pregnant. it's so unexpected because I have been told by doctors that I will be unable to concieve without help because of a medical condition. I am 28 and have for my whole adult life thought that i can not fall pregnant.
Anyway, I know now that I need to stop drinking cold turkey and I am pretty scared. I'm also terrified about telling my partner, we have been together for only 3 months, he is a lot older than me and has grown children and I know he really doesn't want more. And i assured him only last nite that it wont happen with me. He's a decent man but I know he's going to be angry. But my main worry is how I am going to not drink.
Is anybody else out there in a similar situation? Or does anybody have any advice? Thank you nfor listening..
Anyway, I know now that I need to stop drinking cold turkey and I am pretty scared. I'm also terrified about telling my partner, we have been together for only 3 months, he is a lot older than me and has grown children and I know he really doesn't want more. And i assured him only last nite that it wont happen with me. He's a decent man but I know he's going to be angry. But my main worry is how I am going to not drink.
Is anybody else out there in a similar situation? Or does anybody have any advice? Thank you nfor listening..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
I can share my experiences. I found that no matter what I tried or did that I always failed miserably at trying to stay sober. When I asked for help and plenty was there. I chose AA as a recovery program and have been sober since.
Good Luck To You
Good Luck To You
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
My roommate and I were just talking about this. His girlfriend is 8 days late on her period. I have heard the words "I don't want to marry her" come out of his mouth several times, but now I see him entertaining the idea if she does turn out to be pregnant. Some people will be brave and make sacrifices in the face of adversity. If you can be strong and start with making the choice not to drink and carrying that flag where it takes you, you may be surprised by how inspired people will be around you to behave in an uplifting way.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
No experience on the pregnancy front but plenty on the sobriety front.
Do you want to stop drinking, not just for the pregnancy, but would it be nice to never need to drink again? Is that something you'd aspire to be - a non drinker - because you don't "need" to drink anymore?
If yes, can you do it on your own, with the support you think you need? Have you tried? Did it work? (most of us keep hoping that if we juuuuust find the right support group the drinking will take care of itself...... so be realistic here) Have you tried support groups and tried to control/stop your drinking and did it work? Given the past efforts, is it likely to work in the future?
So.....if you want to stop, and past efforts have not worked (which leads to the logical conclusion that future efforts MAY work but you're not likely to stumble upon just the right combination anytime soon), are you willing to try AA's approach - knowing that it guarantees 100% efficacy?
If you're willing, then you have your answer.......and your direction. It DOES work, no question.
Do you want to stop drinking, not just for the pregnancy, but would it be nice to never need to drink again? Is that something you'd aspire to be - a non drinker - because you don't "need" to drink anymore?
If yes, can you do it on your own, with the support you think you need? Have you tried? Did it work? (most of us keep hoping that if we juuuuust find the right support group the drinking will take care of itself...... so be realistic here) Have you tried support groups and tried to control/stop your drinking and did it work? Given the past efforts, is it likely to work in the future?
So.....if you want to stop, and past efforts have not worked (which leads to the logical conclusion that future efforts MAY work but you're not likely to stumble upon just the right combination anytime soon), are you willing to try AA's approach - knowing that it guarantees 100% efficacy?
If you're willing, then you have your answer.......and your direction. It DOES work, no question.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Oh Wow! First off congratulations...a child is such a blessing. Maybe the miracle of this pregnancy will be a saving grace for you.
I had a friend (she never drinks) who was in a bad marriage...she had been told she could not conceive....when she found out she was pregnant it gavecher the strength to get out of the abusive relationship....in your case the abusive relationship is with the alcohol. There are few forces on this planet that come close to a mothers love...I hope it gives you the strength to get and stay sober.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Tina
I had a friend (she never drinks) who was in a bad marriage...she had been told she could not conceive....when she found out she was pregnant it gavecher the strength to get out of the abusive relationship....in your case the abusive relationship is with the alcohol. There are few forces on this planet that come close to a mothers love...I hope it gives you the strength to get and stay sober.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Tina
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Ok...so assuming the fact that you are pregnant isn't magically going to transform you into a new sober person which i think you already know?!
You can reach out for help in how to change enough to live a new sober life for you and your new family to be...there are a lot of women only meetings in AA and i am sure you will be more than welcome, who knows someone might have had very similar life experiences to you too...good luck
You can reach out for help in how to change enough to live a new sober life for you and your new family to be...there are a lot of women only meetings in AA and i am sure you will be more than welcome, who knows someone might have had very similar life experiences to you too...good luck
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am pregnant, too and can think of another member here who is as well.
I have 2 other children and unfortunately did not stay sober after I had them. This time I have finally admitted that alcohol has no place in my life, ever (unlike the previous times when I would start by thinking I could moderate).
If you feel like you can't stay sober during the pregnancy then be sure to be honest with your doctor. There is help available
I have 2 other children and unfortunately did not stay sober after I had them. This time I have finally admitted that alcohol has no place in my life, ever (unlike the previous times when I would start by thinking I could moderate).
If you feel like you can't stay sober during the pregnancy then be sure to be honest with your doctor. There is help available
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
welcome to SR onehotsummer
I'm a man so I've never faced your situation but I know you'll get a lot of advice from people who have.
Do start off those by seeing your Dr - be honest - make a clean breast of everything. They may be able to offer you some helpful local advice
I'm an Aussie too - here are a few Aus links that might be useful
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689
Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it's the start of a whole new life for you
D
I'm a man so I've never faced your situation but I know you'll get a lot of advice from people who have.
Do start off those by seeing your Dr - be honest - make a clean breast of everything. They may be able to offer you some helpful local advice
I'm an Aussie too - here are a few Aus links that might be useful
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689
Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it's the start of a whole new life for you
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi! I was going to bed last night and thinking about your situation and realized I did know someone in a very similar situation...only difference was she wanted to get pregnant....so she quit after years of trying (she smoked to)....she has about 3 years now....the guy has been better then expected although he is much older and did not really want kids...he does love them.
So there you go....the power opf love
So there you go....the power opf love
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I wasn't told I couldn't conceive, but I was told I wouldn't carry a child to full term.
I have two biological children. I was on "marijuana maintenance" (read: substituting one thing for another) when I found out I was pregnant with the first. My son's father was older, but not a lot older than me. He didn't want children, so I raised him on my own for over half his life (he's now twenty, has had zero contact with his biological father). I took very good care of myself while I was pregnant, continued to remain sober until he was about a year old, then returned to drinking with a vengeance.
My daughter was conceived as I was ending a relationship, though we did limp along until she was two and a half (and, as he was abusive, staying that long wasn't my best decision). I was drinking heavily when I found out I was pregnant, stopped, and followed the same pattern as with my son. I finally got sober when she was nine and her brother was twelve. Her father is the same kind of drinker I was. His contact with her has dwindled to the occasional phone call.
My kids went through a lot because I assumed that my desire to be a good mom would be enough to keep me sober. It wasn't. At the end, when I came perilously close to giving up my life for the bottle, it took help from detox, rehab, and AA to get me sober and a complete psychic change to keep me sober.
If you plan to have this child, with or without the father, and if you have a desire to be a good mother, please -- seek some help beyond.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I have two biological children. I was on "marijuana maintenance" (read: substituting one thing for another) when I found out I was pregnant with the first. My son's father was older, but not a lot older than me. He didn't want children, so I raised him on my own for over half his life (he's now twenty, has had zero contact with his biological father). I took very good care of myself while I was pregnant, continued to remain sober until he was about a year old, then returned to drinking with a vengeance.
My daughter was conceived as I was ending a relationship, though we did limp along until she was two and a half (and, as he was abusive, staying that long wasn't my best decision). I was drinking heavily when I found out I was pregnant, stopped, and followed the same pattern as with my son. I finally got sober when she was nine and her brother was twelve. Her father is the same kind of drinker I was. His contact with her has dwindled to the occasional phone call.
My kids went through a lot because I assumed that my desire to be a good mom would be enough to keep me sober. It wasn't. At the end, when I came perilously close to giving up my life for the bottle, it took help from detox, rehab, and AA to get me sober and a complete psychic change to keep me sober.
If you plan to have this child, with or without the father, and if you have a desire to be a good mother, please -- seek some help beyond.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 12
Thank you so much everyone for your replies and your advice. The good thing is I have managed to abstain from drinking so far. It hasn't been easy, especially as that late afternoon/early evening time hits, but I have managed. My doctor prescribed valium to help with the anxiety and withdrawals.
The not so great part is that, as I suspected my partner was furious and devastated, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me or the child except to help financially, which I know he will do because can afford to and he is that type of person. But he wants nothing to do with either of our lives which I am struggling with. I hate being alone at the best of times, and to have no one throughout the prenancy and for quite some time afterwards absolutely terrifies me. I am not good at being alone. And no, I am positive he wont change his mind.
I don't have many close friends and my only family is my mother. But what I really need is my partner to be close to, and the thought of not having that just leaves me cold.
Anyway thank you everyone for your kind advice and thanks for listening. I hope everyone is doing well. x
The not so great part is that, as I suspected my partner was furious and devastated, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me or the child except to help financially, which I know he will do because can afford to and he is that type of person. But he wants nothing to do with either of our lives which I am struggling with. I hate being alone at the best of times, and to have no one throughout the prenancy and for quite some time afterwards absolutely terrifies me. I am not good at being alone. And no, I am positive he wont change his mind.
I don't have many close friends and my only family is my mother. But what I really need is my partner to be close to, and the thought of not having that just leaves me cold.
Anyway thank you everyone for your kind advice and thanks for listening. I hope everyone is doing well. x
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Well, I'm a man and here is my prespective. Having a child is a blessing. Your partner is an immature, self-centered a__hole. He was there at the conception and now the biological consequence of that action is your fault? Good riddance, and yes he needs to provide financial support to his child. And by providing the financial support he is not doing you a favor, or being a "nice" guy, he is fulfilling part of his obligation as the father. The other part, helping to raise the child, I think you are better off without.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I was a single parent for many years and my kids turned out pretty well. I really threw myself into parenting and tho it was lonely sometimes, I really enjoyed their childhoods.
So yes, it has its difficulties but it is possible to be a successful happy single parent.
So yes, it has its difficulties but it is possible to be a successful happy single parent.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I didn't drink while I was pregnant, I got sober a few months before that. I do know there's a handful of girls here that are pregnant, and working on recovery. You might also post in the Women's Forum too.
I think it's critical, right now, to get yourself into some sort of recovery plan. Meetings, counseling, outpatient rehab, something.. because you're going to need some tools on how to live a sober LIFE (not just pregnancy), from here on out. I know I didn't have those tools on my own.. I sure wouldn't have gotten myself in the situation I did if that weren't the case.
I would encourage you to talk to your doctor, honestly... TRUST me they've heard this before, they will not judge you, they are there to help you, and as importantly, that baby growing inside you.
I think it's critical, right now, to get yourself into some sort of recovery plan. Meetings, counseling, outpatient rehab, something.. because you're going to need some tools on how to live a sober LIFE (not just pregnancy), from here on out. I know I didn't have those tools on my own.. I sure wouldn't have gotten myself in the situation I did if that weren't the case.
I would encourage you to talk to your doctor, honestly... TRUST me they've heard this before, they will not judge you, they are there to help you, and as importantly, that baby growing inside you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: northern ireland
Posts: 83
Stay sober and give all your love to the child. I dont understand how a man can not want his child. I have no kids and would give all my love to one if i had one. Keep you mind clean and try focus on positive things in your life that way positive things will happen. I hope things pan out well for you and come here for support or even just a rant...always someone to help you out mate
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Welcome to SR and congratulations on your pregnancy. I got unexpectedly pregnant as well, and it was about three months into a relationship with a much older guy, so I do relate to that. I didn't drink while I was pregnant but started right back up afterward. However, the love I have for my child really motivated me to get sober when I did (he was 18 months when I got sober).
From the single mom perspective....I was single very soon after I found out I was pregnant and I know it is very, very scary and lonely. I know I felt shame even though I am relatively progressive in my beliefs. I wanted a partner to share it with and was very jealous of other moms who had that.....but having a child has been the most amazing blessing I have ever been given in my life. It is hard to adequately describe that but you will start to feel that as your child grows inside you. Your body is doing something SO amazing right now and you have been given a really great reason not to drink.
Getting a good support system in place is vital....from the perspective of a recovering alcoholic, AA has been the single most important tool in my recovery and I don't think I would be sober without it. Through AA I am not only staying sober, but learning how to live life.....as a bonus, I found a lot of really supportive women who actually care about me and my kid!
It could be that the two most amazing things that ever happened to you are happening right now: sobriety and motherhood. I know they are the two most amazing things that have ever happened to me
From the single mom perspective....I was single very soon after I found out I was pregnant and I know it is very, very scary and lonely. I know I felt shame even though I am relatively progressive in my beliefs. I wanted a partner to share it with and was very jealous of other moms who had that.....but having a child has been the most amazing blessing I have ever been given in my life. It is hard to adequately describe that but you will start to feel that as your child grows inside you. Your body is doing something SO amazing right now and you have been given a really great reason not to drink.
Getting a good support system in place is vital....from the perspective of a recovering alcoholic, AA has been the single most important tool in my recovery and I don't think I would be sober without it. Through AA I am not only staying sober, but learning how to live life.....as a bonus, I found a lot of really supportive women who actually care about me and my kid!
It could be that the two most amazing things that ever happened to you are happening right now: sobriety and motherhood. I know they are the two most amazing things that have ever happened to me
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
