Anyone had this kind of Blackout ???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Brit))) - alcohol wasn't my "thing", though I certainly abused it when I was younger. I then went on to opiates, and then found what brought me to my knees...crack.
However, when I was forced to quit it, getting locked up, after having gone from a trauma nurse to waiting tables, I was angry. I was not ready to quit.
I stayed clean for a while...then I smoked one day...then would go a while (a few weeks) and smoke again. It finally culminated in a two-week relapse that cost me almost everything I had gained in that year, which wasn't much, but it meant a lot to me.
I was still angry. I didn't want to accept that I could never smoke crack again..that it would always lead to bad things.
I don't know what you feel about an HP, but I was raised in a church, and even at my worst, I still had just a wee bit of faith. I started out praying "to be willing to be willing to not want crack again". That was the best I could do. I didn't want to give it up, completely. I wanted to do it, on occasion, then get back on with my life. It doesn't work that way, once we've crossed that line.
I don't know how long it was, but I was eventually able to drop one of the "willings"...and I came here, every day. I actually didn't even log in until I had 6 months clean, but I'd been lurking over a year, and the people here were getting through to me.
I'm going on 4 years in recovery. I had to address my codependency, too, as bad relationships (with addicts/alcoholics) were strongly intertwined with my addiction. SR has helped me with both recoveries.
I'm not saying SR will be the one thing that does it for you. I went to AA meetings in the past, had an awesome sponsor, but I just wasn't ready. I still use what I learned in those meetings. I just want you to know that even if you aren't ready to quit, you still can.
I would recommend finding a non-judgemental doctor and getting checked out. I lucked out - told my dr. all about my addiction, the first time I saw him, and he is awesome. He even asks me questions about being an addict, because he wants to understand, as much as someone can, who's not an addict. There are doctors out there, who will not judge you, but will help you.
BTW, if you aren't aware, what (((Laurie))) wrote in her post? The TOD means "Time of death". She survived. Not everyone does. Klonopin and alcohol are a really bad combination.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
However, when I was forced to quit it, getting locked up, after having gone from a trauma nurse to waiting tables, I was angry. I was not ready to quit.
I stayed clean for a while...then I smoked one day...then would go a while (a few weeks) and smoke again. It finally culminated in a two-week relapse that cost me almost everything I had gained in that year, which wasn't much, but it meant a lot to me.
I was still angry. I didn't want to accept that I could never smoke crack again..that it would always lead to bad things.
I don't know what you feel about an HP, but I was raised in a church, and even at my worst, I still had just a wee bit of faith. I started out praying "to be willing to be willing to not want crack again". That was the best I could do. I didn't want to give it up, completely. I wanted to do it, on occasion, then get back on with my life. It doesn't work that way, once we've crossed that line.
I don't know how long it was, but I was eventually able to drop one of the "willings"...and I came here, every day. I actually didn't even log in until I had 6 months clean, but I'd been lurking over a year, and the people here were getting through to me.
I'm going on 4 years in recovery. I had to address my codependency, too, as bad relationships (with addicts/alcoholics) were strongly intertwined with my addiction. SR has helped me with both recoveries.
I'm not saying SR will be the one thing that does it for you. I went to AA meetings in the past, had an awesome sponsor, but I just wasn't ready. I still use what I learned in those meetings. I just want you to know that even if you aren't ready to quit, you still can.
I would recommend finding a non-judgemental doctor and getting checked out. I lucked out - told my dr. all about my addiction, the first time I saw him, and he is awesome. He even asks me questions about being an addict, because he wants to understand, as much as someone can, who's not an addict. There are doctors out there, who will not judge you, but will help you.
BTW, if you aren't aware, what (((Laurie))) wrote in her post? The TOD means "Time of death". She survived. Not everyone does. Klonopin and alcohol are a really bad combination.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sao Paulo Brazil
Posts: 108
Me too. Actually I never had a full blackout but when things began to worse, the small "blank spots" of blackout were dramatically increasing. Used to check the garage every morning to see if my car was damaged/scratched. I must have wasted lots of brain cells.
PS: Used to mix alot sleeping pills/lorazepam and alcohol, it was a time bomb, I'm lucky I didn't die.
PS: Used to mix alot sleeping pills/lorazepam and alcohol, it was a time bomb, I'm lucky I didn't die.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Yeah I've had a few of those. One time I went to a party came home, got pissed at someone, punched a wall that I don't remember punching and breaking my hand, but I remember my friend nursing me, talking to me, and helping me to bed. Oh well, what can you do
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Brit;
you and I are the same age....i never wanted to stop either, but my health told me it was sink or swim last February....and I have never felt better, i didn't know it was possible.
as everyone has said here, the Klonopin and alcohol is like playing roulette...you've just been lucky so far.
you said your Mom depends on you daily, perhaps you could channel this into your recovery....if you check out due to an accidental OD, what will happen for her? she would suffer both emotionally and in her daily living?
I hope you find something in you to make you want to stop....for me, i had just had enough and wasn't ready to give up....
you and I are the same age....i never wanted to stop either, but my health told me it was sink or swim last February....and I have never felt better, i didn't know it was possible.
as everyone has said here, the Klonopin and alcohol is like playing roulette...you've just been lucky so far.
you said your Mom depends on you daily, perhaps you could channel this into your recovery....if you check out due to an accidental OD, what will happen for her? she would suffer both emotionally and in her daily living?
I hope you find something in you to make you want to stop....for me, i had just had enough and wasn't ready to give up....
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I did experience the types of blackouts you're referring to. I was the queen of scary blackouts. And like you, they didn't really motivate me to quit...until the last one got me. (That one was where one minute I was talking to my mother on the phone, and the next I was waking up in a pool of urine with my husband and kids staring down at me.)
Anyway...I do not personally have bi-polar disorder but I sponsored a young woman who did, for several years. I stopped sponsoring her only because I decided that AA was no longer a place I wanted to be, but we are still friends, and both still sober--her, 9 years, me, 12. I've since become very active in SMART Recovery and she is still in AA.
One thing I really think you might find useful is a tool of the SMART Recovery program called the cost-benefit analysis (CBA). I will link you to a page explaining how this works and if you want, I will walk you through it. Note that you can use SMART Recovery tools and go to AA at the same time. There is no law that says you have to pick only one program!
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...CBExercise.pdf
Anyway...I do not personally have bi-polar disorder but I sponsored a young woman who did, for several years. I stopped sponsoring her only because I decided that AA was no longer a place I wanted to be, but we are still friends, and both still sober--her, 9 years, me, 12. I've since become very active in SMART Recovery and she is still in AA.
One thing I really think you might find useful is a tool of the SMART Recovery program called the cost-benefit analysis (CBA). I will link you to a page explaining how this works and if you want, I will walk you through it. Note that you can use SMART Recovery tools and go to AA at the same time. There is no law that says you have to pick only one program!
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...CBExercise.pdf
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7
Brit, I have been exactly where you are:
I am now on the "other side" and have been there a little over 3 months.
I made it a little over a year when I first got sober. One day, I convinced myself that just having a 1/2 pint on the way home from a long week of work was OK. After all, it had been such a long time, that it couldn't hurt. That "one drink" lead to another the following week; and then another the week after that; and then.... within a month or two I was drinking the "one drink" every night and more on the weekends. Here's where the insanity began to play out. I knew what was happening and I knew where it was going and I knew it was only a matter of time... During this period I found myself looking for any form of "co-signing" into my drinking. Unfortunately, this lead to an affair. Do you want to talk about really screwing with sanity, try having an affair with a woman that you don't love, but has no problem with you drinking and knowing that your an alcoholic! It finally all came to a halt when I told my wife while I was drunk sitting in my car outside of my "girl friend's" house (I use quotes because she was no friend - she was the devil in disguise). That was two years ago and I have spent the last year and half or so fighting this cunning disease.
This last two two years has been HELL on earth for me. I look back at my first recovery and realize now that it (my recovery) was a relapse in waiting. I was so wrapped up in the AA thing, it was ... looking back... sickening. You might as well just called me "Mr. AA". Don't get me wrong - I'm not bashing AA, but rather my own ego that substituted AA for drinking. And just like alcohol, AA stopped working for me as well. You see, I'm not 100% sure, but I have come to the believe that it is really about getting honest with yourself. I mean REALLY looking in the mirror and seeing the ugly reflection - the real reflection. It's what the Big Book calls a Fourth step. Alcohol is not the enemy - it's the weapon that is used by the enemy and it is a strong weapon.
I can't tell you the number of times I've just wanted a kind person to talk to - someone to listen and understand. The problem is, that often times when I think this way, I don't really do anything about it and then I get into self pitty. I convince myself that nobody cares, which justifies me in staying exactly where I'm at with an excuse to not do anything - and eventually to go back to drinking. Do you see how messed up that is? My own mind it tricking me into blaming others and convinces me to isolate myself which open my susceptibility to drink!
I know now that I can't rely on my ego or my logic to keep me sober - Like it or not - and I sometimes don't - I have to rely on God. Even if at times I have a hard time believing in Him, He hasn't stopped believing in me.
Finding a good meeting these days is hard and if your like me (and I think you are), it only takes a few meeting of unhealthy dry drunks bitching about their problems (read page 52 in the big book) to "rub off" and give me an excuse to not go to meetings (back to isolation). So my advice is don't stop looking for a meeting and if all else fails - start one.
Life hasn't been fun for a long time, but I have found a meeting that meets once a week. That's not very frequent, but its better than no meetings and it is very spiritually strong. Many years of healthily sobrity to help me understand how to change my way of thinking - how to REALLY do a Fourth step and more importantly, to do a third step on my life.
Good luck to you and God bless you to gain the strength to claw your way out of what I call hell.
"...I KNOW I’m an alcoholic. Admitting it’s never been my problem. ACCEPTING it IS. That’s what sucks. Why was I able to WANT sobriety before but now, with all these facts staring me in the face is it so hard for me to not want to give up drinking? "
I am now on the "other side" and have been there a little over 3 months.
I made it a little over a year when I first got sober. One day, I convinced myself that just having a 1/2 pint on the way home from a long week of work was OK. After all, it had been such a long time, that it couldn't hurt. That "one drink" lead to another the following week; and then another the week after that; and then.... within a month or two I was drinking the "one drink" every night and more on the weekends. Here's where the insanity began to play out. I knew what was happening and I knew where it was going and I knew it was only a matter of time... During this period I found myself looking for any form of "co-signing" into my drinking. Unfortunately, this lead to an affair. Do you want to talk about really screwing with sanity, try having an affair with a woman that you don't love, but has no problem with you drinking and knowing that your an alcoholic! It finally all came to a halt when I told my wife while I was drunk sitting in my car outside of my "girl friend's" house (I use quotes because she was no friend - she was the devil in disguise). That was two years ago and I have spent the last year and half or so fighting this cunning disease.
This last two two years has been HELL on earth for me. I look back at my first recovery and realize now that it (my recovery) was a relapse in waiting. I was so wrapped up in the AA thing, it was ... looking back... sickening. You might as well just called me "Mr. AA". Don't get me wrong - I'm not bashing AA, but rather my own ego that substituted AA for drinking. And just like alcohol, AA stopped working for me as well. You see, I'm not 100% sure, but I have come to the believe that it is really about getting honest with yourself. I mean REALLY looking in the mirror and seeing the ugly reflection - the real reflection. It's what the Big Book calls a Fourth step. Alcohol is not the enemy - it's the weapon that is used by the enemy and it is a strong weapon.
I can't tell you the number of times I've just wanted a kind person to talk to - someone to listen and understand. The problem is, that often times when I think this way, I don't really do anything about it and then I get into self pitty. I convince myself that nobody cares, which justifies me in staying exactly where I'm at with an excuse to not do anything - and eventually to go back to drinking. Do you see how messed up that is? My own mind it tricking me into blaming others and convinces me to isolate myself which open my susceptibility to drink!
I know now that I can't rely on my ego or my logic to keep me sober - Like it or not - and I sometimes don't - I have to rely on God. Even if at times I have a hard time believing in Him, He hasn't stopped believing in me.
Finding a good meeting these days is hard and if your like me (and I think you are), it only takes a few meeting of unhealthy dry drunks bitching about their problems (read page 52 in the big book) to "rub off" and give me an excuse to not go to meetings (back to isolation). So my advice is don't stop looking for a meeting and if all else fails - start one.
Life hasn't been fun for a long time, but I have found a meeting that meets once a week. That's not very frequent, but its better than no meetings and it is very spiritually strong. Many years of healthily sobrity to help me understand how to change my way of thinking - how to REALLY do a Fourth step and more importantly, to do a third step on my life.
Good luck to you and God bless you to gain the strength to claw your way out of what I call hell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
I just woke up (sober) and the first thing I thought about was SR sitting here waiting for me. And how I really didn’t want to face my problem, had already minimized it somewhat by the time I went to bed.
But I knew there were probably more of you sincere, caring people waiting here for me, who’d taken time to reach out and that I NEEDED, whether or not I wanted, to read what you’d said.
And I’m so glad I did. You don’t know how much it touches me to have so many people care. The fellowship I’ve felt here far surpasses anything I’d ever felt at a meeting. It’d take up too much space to respond to everyone personally so thank you all, again. But do want to thank one person especially.
Amy (Impurrrfect), when I read what you shared and got to the word HP and what you wrote about asking to be willing….well, I started to tear up. And still am. Sometimes the simplest of things are the ones we don’t think about. Just ask to be WILLING. I DO need to ask for willingness instead of the periodic cries of “Please God, don’t let me drink tonight.”
I will definitely begin asking for the willingness to not want to drink. I’m not particularly spiritual at this point in my life but there was a time I had a much stronger relationship with my HP and like SSIL75 said about being happier when totally sober -- I was much happier when I was totally in touch with Him on a daily basis.
And also what SSIL75 said about the toxins in the body and clouded thinking made sense. Until I let my body get cleaned out, I’m not gonna think straight.
Amy, you made some very good points about using SR for support. Until I’m ready to do what I need to do, it sure can’t hurt me to keep daily contact with you guys. Is there a better way to do so than to continue threads on this post?
And no, I didn’t know what TOD was….hadda go look it up. And I will find a understanding doc. But for now, I’m considering telling my dr. I’ve begun to have urges to drink and to prescribe Antabuse. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I used it in the past until I could get my body cleaned out and a grip on my thinking and it did help me. It stopped the cycle and then once I felt better from being sober, I was more open to staying sober. Right now, it’s all a mind thing. I don’t have a physical dependency, persay. It’s just screwed up thinking.
But I knew there were probably more of you sincere, caring people waiting here for me, who’d taken time to reach out and that I NEEDED, whether or not I wanted, to read what you’d said.
And I’m so glad I did. You don’t know how much it touches me to have so many people care. The fellowship I’ve felt here far surpasses anything I’d ever felt at a meeting. It’d take up too much space to respond to everyone personally so thank you all, again. But do want to thank one person especially.
Amy (Impurrrfect), when I read what you shared and got to the word HP and what you wrote about asking to be willing….well, I started to tear up. And still am. Sometimes the simplest of things are the ones we don’t think about. Just ask to be WILLING. I DO need to ask for willingness instead of the periodic cries of “Please God, don’t let me drink tonight.”
I will definitely begin asking for the willingness to not want to drink. I’m not particularly spiritual at this point in my life but there was a time I had a much stronger relationship with my HP and like SSIL75 said about being happier when totally sober -- I was much happier when I was totally in touch with Him on a daily basis.
And also what SSIL75 said about the toxins in the body and clouded thinking made sense. Until I let my body get cleaned out, I’m not gonna think straight.
Amy, you made some very good points about using SR for support. Until I’m ready to do what I need to do, it sure can’t hurt me to keep daily contact with you guys. Is there a better way to do so than to continue threads on this post?
And no, I didn’t know what TOD was….hadda go look it up. And I will find a understanding doc. But for now, I’m considering telling my dr. I’ve begun to have urges to drink and to prescribe Antabuse. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I used it in the past until I could get my body cleaned out and a grip on my thinking and it did help me. It stopped the cycle and then once I felt better from being sober, I was more open to staying sober. Right now, it’s all a mind thing. I don’t have a physical dependency, persay. It’s just screwed up thinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
I have had many blackouts. Like others..would have to check my bank for debit charges and then go over my text history to see where I had been..even who I was with. I too...would frantically wake up and look outside to see if the Jeep was there. It is bad..I wonder how I escaped getting arrested. So happy to not be drinking. It is another world that is for sure. I don't know what kind of blackouts they were..I don't remember!!I was in a blackout!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Brit))) - I'm glad you've found us. We're pretty much family
I'm glad what I posted has helped you. Back in the day, I used to pray "PLEASE don't let me use tonight" and it never worked. my "please let me be willing to be willing" was a breakthrough. My other trick was when i was craving, I'd tell myself "not an oprtion..next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself with anything I coud think of" and it reallyhelped
I'm so glad you're here! t
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad what I posted has helped you. Back in the day, I used to pray "PLEASE don't let me use tonight" and it never worked. my "please let me be willing to be willing" was a breakthrough. My other trick was when i was craving, I'd tell myself "not an oprtion..next" with "next" being a cue to distract myself with anything I coud think of" and it reallyhelpedI'm so glad you're here! t
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by brit5467 
I am bi-polar and currently see a shrink but for med maintenance only. But here's where it gets sticky. I don't want to be honest with her because one of my meds is Klonapin and as soon as I admit I'm drinking again, I'm sure she will take me off it since she was reluctant to even give it to me (years ago) since alcoholism in on my record and she was concerned about me having an addictive personality.
Sorry if this sounds preachy but I've been in the exact same situation. ETOH and benzos together are like a triple mix of ETOH or a triple mix of benzos. Bad news.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
Yes i have...the body is cutting out brain function, short term memory gets "switched off" and the reason it does this is so you can keep conscious and not get to the coma stage, if this is happening mid session thats not good...so off to the docs for you and then hopefully a program of recovery...i know for me i didn't give a damn about myhealth before sobering up but in sobriety i have seen the mental problems bought on by drinking and these come up in sobriety as the damage was done...friend of mine is going to have a piece of his skull removed in a week to clamp an embolism and the doc said this was a direct result of hos alcohol abuse...hes been sober for years...get some help!
Thanks for your post
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