Control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Control
I wonder if it is an alcoholic thing or just something with me but I feel like I have issues with control. When I can’t “control” things I get antsy and those feelings of wanting to drink and shut my mind up start to emerge. Granted I have developed the tools not to this past year but the urge is still there. I can’t control things like what people think of me, that some I care about is hurting and I can’t do anything about it, my night courses are overwhelming, work is making cut backs and so forth….... Just wondering if anyone else strugles with control.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Some, yes. I know that in my homegroup at AA there are a few of my friends who constantly talk about how "all alcoholics are control freaks" and I kind of want to say "speak for yourselves." I think I can honestly say I don't have control issues (hundreds of other issues, but not that one.) I think it's one personality type that can lead a person to drink though. I know that when something doesn't go my way and I can't make it otherwise, it's definitely triggered me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7
I had to chuckle as I read your post - Your not alone, in fact, I would say your in perfect company 
I think control could be a prerequisite to being an alcoholic - look at it this way - Alcohol was the one thing we couldn't control and hence why if left unchecked we obsesses over the notion that somehow we could control it given the right circumstance.
Sometimes things don't go our way because they are not supposed to....and sometimes they do. The secrete for me is understanding that I have very limited control when looking at the big picture. It took me a few times of banging my head against the wall, but one time, I decided to do a third step on life - not just alcohol and let me say that I have so much more daily serenity when I let God drive.
I think control could be a prerequisite to being an alcoholic - look at it this way - Alcohol was the one thing we couldn't control and hence why if left unchecked we obsesses over the notion that somehow we could control it given the right circumstance.Sometimes things don't go our way because they are not supposed to....and sometimes they do. The secrete for me is understanding that I have very limited control when looking at the big picture. It took me a few times of banging my head against the wall, but one time, I decided to do a third step on life - not just alcohol and let me say that I have so much more daily serenity when I let God drive.
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
I am definitely a control freak, but I never saw any correlation with drinking...
Drinking for me is just a habit that is starting to wear me down. I never tried hiding from life or anything (not consciously, even though I drank alone). I just like it too damn much...
Drinking for me is just a habit that is starting to wear me down. I never tried hiding from life or anything (not consciously, even though I drank alone). I just like it too damn much...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Sure - but I was scared a lot too and when I felt threatened, I tried to control things I had no business trying to control, like other people, the economic climate, teachers...etc. It's also related to ego, arrogance, and self-centeredness. But mostly fear.
It took me awhile to become comfortable enough with myself and my place to accept everyone else (or everything else) as they are.
It took me awhile to become comfortable enough with myself and my place to accept everyone else (or everything else) as they are.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 27
I am somewhat of a control freak. I am for sure when it comes to my apartment and my personal space. Since I was little I've always tried to be the peacemaker and control confrontations because I couldn't stand tension and fighting. I would get involved in my parents' fights and felt it was my responsibility to make them see each other's sides and make up. To this day they still complain to me when they're mad at each other and it's a huge effort for me to stay uninvolved, and sometimes they don't like it. I don't know if I've created this problem myself, or if they're in the wrong for exposing me to their problems from the time I was young.
But anyways, yes I can say I'm somewhat of a control freak. Alcohol is my way of lightening up since otherwise I'm always tense and stressed. What an adventure this is going to be to find other ways to lighten up.
But anyways, yes I can say I'm somewhat of a control freak. Alcohol is my way of lightening up since otherwise I'm always tense and stressed. What an adventure this is going to be to find other ways to lighten up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Hull, England.
Posts: 169
Yepper, control freak of the highest order.
I know i cant control things but it doesnt stop me trying, constantly have to remind myself that i am not in charge.
I am aware that the best tool i have of influencing things in a positive manner is by setting a positive example. Something for me to continually aim towards.
I know i cant control things but it doesnt stop me trying, constantly have to remind myself that i am not in charge.
I am aware that the best tool i have of influencing things in a positive manner is by setting a positive example. Something for me to continually aim towards.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
It is hard to believe considering the amount of time and effort we spent on trying to control the amount we drunk, the outcoming of our drunken exploits, our time when we were trying to stay dry, our relationships, our jobs etc that any alcoholic can say honestly to theselves that they dont have control issues...most of us even come into sobriety trying to control our progress and the speed of such determined that we are still unique and in control...all of this stems from self centered fear of losing something we already have or not getting something that we think we want (both in our perception at least) but acknowledging control issues is a start IMO:-)
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Yup, control "issues" here too. For a while I thought one reason I drank was because it freed me of the desire to control things, temporarily . . . let me have the oblivion, abandon, and disinhibition that I could not have if I was too busy trying to be perfect. A big part of recovery for me right now, still, is accepting what I can't control.
And yes, what everyone else has said is true too -- I also thought I could control my drinking, and only found peace when I accepted that I couldn't.
And yes, what everyone else has said is true too -- I also thought I could control my drinking, and only found peace when I accepted that I couldn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I've got close to no clue what this topic is really about, because I don't think I can recognize it, feel it. But when I read Hope's reply, that started to get my mind working.
I know that recently I had an issue where I found myself gravitating toward other people's problems at work rather than sticking with my own agenda. I thought it was just my conditioning from previous roles where everyone else's problems were mine and even thought it was the right reaction to have on my part (wouldn't it be leaving someone stranded if I didn't get involved, isn't it being an awful team member not to do what I did?). Somehow the inclination to respond in ways that made sure everyone was okay kept cropping up.
Other than that, I can't think of a struggle with control. Maybe I'll watch for more answers to see if I eventually get it.
I know that recently I had an issue where I found myself gravitating toward other people's problems at work rather than sticking with my own agenda. I thought it was just my conditioning from previous roles where everyone else's problems were mine and even thought it was the right reaction to have on my part (wouldn't it be leaving someone stranded if I didn't get involved, isn't it being an awful team member not to do what I did?). Somehow the inclination to respond in ways that made sure everyone was okay kept cropping up.
Other than that, I can't think of a struggle with control. Maybe I'll watch for more answers to see if I eventually get it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
I am with you Toronto - I am the opposite of a control freak.
My management style is a servant leader and I try to delegate as much as possible out of concern for my direct report's development.
This is just a hunch, but I don't think personality style plays a huge role in alcoholism.
Dave
My management style is a servant leader and I try to delegate as much as possible out of concern for my direct report's development.
This is just a hunch, but I don't think personality style plays a huge role in alcoholism.
Dave
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 65
Like others, I never really thought I had a control problem until I realized that alcohol was controlling my life. Once I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I found myself obsessing over other aspects of my life and trying to control people, places, and things. Obviously that has not gone well. One of my biggest challenges in sobriety is accepting that I have no control over anything besides my attitude and actions. Lately I've been reading page 449 of the Big Book on a daily basis...it's great reminder that I am not in control, and it helps with acceptance.
If you haven't read the passage, I recommend you do so, because I find it very powerful.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity."
If you haven't read the passage, I recommend you do so, because I find it very powerful.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
